Unsettled (17 page)

12

I
found myself lying in bed Wednesday night flipping through the hundreds of cable channels I didn’t watch. I blew past ESPN and the Fox Sports Network, trying to find something to occupy my attention.

I jumped when my phone started belting out “Melt My Heart to Stone” by Adele. Her song had been his new ringtone since we kissed. We hadn’t spoken since the night and I was fine with that. I had enough on my plate trying to successfully avoid Damon. I didn’t need any more aggravation.

“Hello?” I said into the phone.

“Hey,” Logan’s voice was all smiles.

“Hey yourself. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you,” I replied, muting the infomercial for the next miracle knife playing in the background.

“Why not?” he asked, sounding confused. I had put my foot in my mouth. Not wanting to sound indignant or needy, I played down the way he had made me feel the last time we saw each other. On some level I had gotten used to playing down my feelings to save face.

I allowed my thoughts to settle and said, “No reason, I just know you’re a busy person.” My vague answer seemed sufficient.

“What are you up to? You sound bored,” Logan said, chuckling a little bit.

“I was just letting my brain go to mush watching the latest infomercial for Samurai Knives.”

“Well that does sound pretty boring,” Logan chuckled again. I liked hearing the easiness of his voice.
Stop—you already know where you stand!
I reminded myself.

“Yeah, I’m trying to decide if I want to order sushi or drag myself into the kitchen to prepare a salad masterpiece,” I exhaled. It’s been a long day, so I just want to relax.”

“I didn’t know you liked sushi.”

“Well, I’m no connoisseur,” I responded. “I really only like California rolls and baked salmon rolls…I haven’t ventured out into the raw stuff.”

“Wow…you’re such a daredevil,” Logan teased. “Hey, can you hold on for a second?”

“Sure,” I answered, propping my phone to my ear with my shoulder.

I sighed into the phone. As much as I’d enjoyed talking to Logan over the last couple of weeks, I couldn’t shake how he’d disregarded our chemistry the night we kissed. I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one that felt the spark between us.

I could have tried to be logical about the situation and ask him what his response was all about, but I didn’t want to risk him telling me something that I really didn’t want to hear. Just then Logan came back on the line.

“I was about to start snoring over here,” I said, only half-joking. Having Logan on the brain had tired me out.

“Sorry about that; I didn’t expect that call to take so long. Anyway, where were we?” he asked.

“Pondering my not-so-daring personality,” I offered.

“That sounds about right,” he laughed. “But would a person of your cautious nature consider having dinner with me tomorrow night?”
Dinner?

Without answering his question I jumped headlong into what I had to say. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable.

“There is something I’ve been wanting to tell you…” I said, taking a breath.

“Okay, what’s going on?” He sounded calmer than I felt.

“The other night—the kiss—that was a mistake. I think it’s best if we go our separate ways while we can still tolerate one another. So dinner wouldn’t be a good idea. There is a high probability that we’ll run into one another at Copple, and I don’t want that to be awkward. You’re a nice person—much more personable than most CEOs I’ve had the displeasure of meeting, but the reality is we’re from different realms. You’re smart, successful, and career driven…and I don’t want to kid myself into thinking that someone like you could ever fall for someone like me.”
Great.
I had inadvertently done exactly what I hadn’t wanted to do—bared my insecurity for him to see.

Both ends of the phone were quiet. I didn’t want our phone conversation to turn into an emotional dumpster dive. Irritating thoughts of Damon funneled through my head and I remembered why I’d befriended my battery-operated companion. The lyrics to B.O.B. popped into my head. —damn Damon for ruining me.

“Brook—”

I interrupted before he could finish his sentence,

“Logan, I’m sorry. I need to go. Have a safe remainder of your trip.”

I ended the call and tossed my cell phone onto my mattress. My subconscious rooted me on from her tiny cheering section, assuring me that I’d done the right thing. I followed my cell phone, falling into the bank of pillows on my bed.

Logan was a really nice guy, and I could definitely see myself falling for him, but I wanted to avoid being hurt again at all cost. I was wallowing in my sour thoughts when the doorbell rang.

“Who is it?” I asked, turning on the porch light and looking through the peephole. There was a man standing in an apron and jacket looking back at me.

“I have a sushi delivery for Brooklyn.”

Confused, I cracked open the front door. “I didn’t order any food.”

“We received a phone order from a…” the delivery man thumbed through his order pad, “from a Logan. Do you want the food or not? It’s already paid for.”

I accepted the food and tipped the delivery guy. I was stunned.

I sullenly unwrapped my sushi—California and baked salmon rolls stared back at me. I sunk into my bed to lifelessly chew my special delivery. As I replayed the conversation over in my head I lost my appetite. Had I misjudged the situation?

I picked up my cell and dialed the number to the one person I knew would understand. She picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, are you busy?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t interrupting her too much.

“Just reviewing a case, what’s up?” Alex asked. Alex had been working late nights since she accepted a position as a junior associate.

“Sabotage…maybe,” I exhaled into the phone.

“What happened?” Alex asked inquisitively.

“I told him the truth…or at least what I thought was the truth.”

“Why?” Alex groaned. I could tell she already knew where our conversation was going.

“I am asking myself the same thing…trust me. What made it worse was that I told him that I liked sushi and he sneakily placed a call on his other line to order me some for dinner. My surprise dinner arrived right after I abruptly hung up the phone with him.” I slammed my head into my pillow, wishing I could press rewind on the last thirty minutes.

“Brooklyn, I’m your best friend...and I need to be honest with you.”

“Aren’t you always?” I knew a lecture was coming.

“Not necessarily…” she responded.

“Well, I guess it’s time then…”

“Although you think you’re good at hiding your true feelings behind the wall you’ve built, you really aren’t doing a bang-up job. Can’t you see that you’re letting your past hurt screw up your other chances for happiness? Ever since Damon, you won’t allow yourself to get close to anyone. You loved Damon, but now knowing what I do about your miscarriage and his cheating, I loathe him even more. I’m glad you two are over. You are too good of a person to play second fiddle in someone else’s life. Damon was an idiot for letting you go. We both know you would have stood by him throughout all his endeavors, but he didn’t want to see that, and ultimately that was his loss.”

“I would have—I was the one who stupidly pushed him to apply for that internship in New York in the first place,” I said.

“Exactly! That’s why he’s an idiot!” she huffed.

“I assumed that we’d work through all the little stumbling blocks to reach the bright light at the end of our tunnel because I was willing to do that for him.”

“Right, and that’s what two people in a committed relationship do. A lot of times it seemed like Damon was in a relationship with himself.” A small laugh escaped as the image of two Damons talking to one another like boyfriend and girlfriend popped into my mind.

“I just want you to be happy Brooklyn, and you can’t do that if you constantly push away anyone who tries to get close to you. I’m afraid that at some point you’re going to shove the one person who deserves you right out the door. Let your hurt go and move on with your life. There is no way Damon was the only man on Earth who could make you immensely happy.”

“It’s not just about my history with Damon, though. The night Logan and I hung out things were going well, we were just hanging out like normal people— with security. He’d opened up to me about things he went through and on some level, I felt like we were closer to knowing one another better. But then we kissed and everything just kind of fell apart.”

“You did?” I could hear the giddiness in her voice. “Was it good?”

“That’s beside the point, Alex,” I groaned. “Like I was saying—I could tell something was on his mind, but he wouldn’t say what. You know I can’t deal with secrecy. Maybe my imagination spiraled out of control slightly.”

“You can’t run away all the time. I learned that lesson when Jay and I split up.”

“Alex, you can’t compare your three-day split to the four years of purgatory I’ve been in,” I scolded.

“I’m not,” she replied evenly.

“Then what are you talking about?” I asked, perplexed. There was a pregnant pause on the line.

“Jay and I separated for a year at one point.”

“What? When did that happen?”

“The year before he moved out here.”

“Oh my gosh! How come you didn’t tell me? I noticed that you weren’t spending much time with him. I just figured he was getting on your nerves and you needed a break.”

“It was too hard to talk about…he didn’t cheat, but he looked…and I was embarrassed. The reality of starting over after all those years was staring me in the face, and I just couldn’t deal.”

“I had no idea,” I replied sullenly. I felt horrible. I wondered if I had been so self-absorbed that I neglected to see the pain she was in.

“Well unlike you, I can hide things pretty well…I guess that’s a good attribute to have when you’re a lawyer, huh?” she joked. “The minute you asked me to move to D.C. I started packing. Of course Jay tried to get back into my good graces and begged me not to leave, but I needed a break. So like you, I ran to the East Coast to escape the things I didn’t want to deal with.”

“Was it that obvious—why I moved to D.C., I mean?” I asked. I didn’t realize I was so transparent.

“Remember who you’re talking to, please.”

“I guess you’re right—but back to you. You guys seem fine now. I mean every time I see Damon I want to slap the shit out of him again.”

“Honestly, I was just as surprised as you when Jay showed up at the airport that night. He begged me to take him back…but I didn’t. I told him we had to start fresh because he had to prove to me that I was what he wanted, not the other way around. I was tired of bending over backwards for him and getting burned.”

“I’m having a hard time picturing you wavering on anything,” I chided. Alex wasn’t exactly known for her compromising demeanor.

“Believe it—I turned down admission to Cornell to attend UCLA Law at his request. He said he couldn’t handle us being that far apart…”

“Are you kidding me? Why would you do that? Had you learned nothing from my experience with Damon?” I chastened.

“Yeah I know. UCLA wasn’t all that bad,” she joked.

“Well, what changed? You guys seem good now,” I asked, still reeling over her confessions.

“A fresh start. I feel like we love one another more now than we ever did, but I made sure that he knew if he
ever
pulled some shit like that again there was absolutely no coming back. Honestly I think that’s what you need to give yourself—one well overdue clean slate and see where it takes you.”

“Man, I had no idea… but I’m glad you guys worked it out because I honestly can’t see you with anyone else,” I said, adjusting myself on my pillow.

“Me too girl, me too. But enough about me. What are you going to do about le CEO?” she asked in a naughty voice.

“I guess I should apologize?” I asked aloud, even though I knew the answer.

“Maybe… I think that depends,” Alex countered.

“Depends on what?”

“It depends on whether or not you’re really willing to give him a true chance to get to know you. Don’t pursue the situation if you can’t; it wouldn’t be fair to either of you. But I’m not blind, and I can tell he’s caught up in you.” There was a pause on both our ends.

You know what else?” she asked.

“What?” I questioned, intrigued.

“I know I’m not getting paid overtime to play matchmaker,” she giggled.

I laughed too. “Well, I’ll see you when you get home.”

13