Unsuitable (38 page)

“I
loved him so much but he was away most of the time, driving that damn truck and
then he got sick and he died so young. You were just babies, all of you, and I
wish you could’ve known him properly.”

Gin
was closest to Charlie. She leaned into her and put her head on Mum’s shoulder.
“Is that why you’ve never had a boyfriend?”

Charlie
nodded. “And I was busy. I had Bruce for six years and it was wonderful, it was
better to love him and lose him than not have him at all. I’ve been very
greatly loved and I have all of you to show for it, and no one can ever change
that.”

“Jesus—”
said Etta.

“Etta,”
said Charlie, but without rancour.

“—You’re
going to make us all cry.”

Dinner
broke up. Neev had homework. Etta’s phone rang. Flip went to watch TV. Gin
disappeared. Reece cleared the table and Charlie stacked the dishwasher. He
found Gin on the back steps watching next door’s cat torture a lizard in the
yard.

He
sat above her and she leaned back on his shin. He tugged her ponytail. “Did Charlie
upset you?”

She
shook her head.

“Something
upset you.”

The
cat picked up the lizard in its mouth and brought it closer to them, dropped it
and sat over it. The lizard was foxing, like Gin. “Are you going to tell me or
play dead?”

She
turned sideways so she could look at him. “You upset me.”

“Me?
What did I do?” He laughed, he sounded like Flip, and Gin gave him the evil
eye.

“I
saw your face, but there’s no point talking to you because you’ll make it a
joke.”

Shit.
“What did my face do, Gin, baby? I won’t joke, I promise.”

“You’re
sad inside out and all the way through, and I can’t stand it.”

Ah.
“I’m—” Fuck, what could he say, she’d nailed him with a combination punch. “I’m—”

“You
might not josh but you’ll lie.”

He
grabbed her and pulled her up onto the step beside him. “I am sad. I miss
Audrey and Mia badly, but it’s not the end of the world. You heard Charlie. Audrey
loved me and I have that.”

“But
she’s not dead. I don’t get why she doesn’t love you anymore but you still love
her.”

There
was a thump from above. Neev stood on the top step. “Love sux. I’m not doing it.”

“What
do you mean you’re not doing it?” said Gin. “You’re already doing it. It’s not
like you can avoid it.”

“Family
and stuff’s okay, I have to love them, but I don’t have to do the lovey-dovey,
kissy-kissy crap, it’s naff.”

“Do
you think Polly is a dork to love Les?” said Gin.

Neev
sat. “Don’t care, not my problem, not doing it.”

Reece
could see Gin’s face, she was upset, she wasn’t foxing now. None of them needed
any further aggravation. He put his arm around her narrow shoulders. “Okay, Neev.”

Neev
prodded him in the back. “Okay what?”

“You
don’t have to do it. It’s one of those things you get lucky with, but it’s not
a rule like no knees or elbows, no kicking or head butting.”

“No
what?”

“Never
mind.”

“He’s
talking about boxing,” said Gin.

Neev
said, “I’m not doing that either
.” Smartarse.

“Shut
up, Neev. I was talking to Reece about Audrey.”

“Oh,
keep your twisted knickers on.”

Down
on the path, the lizard twitched and flipped over. The cat was watching them
and didn’t see it.

Reece
sighed. The lizard could make a run for it; he was trapped. “I don’t know what
you want me to say.”

“Why
did you have to break up?” said Gin.

“Because.”
He sighed again and the cat put its paw on the lizard. Neev wrapped her arms
and legs around him from the step above.

“If
you say it’s complicated Neev will bite your ear,” said Gin.

Neev
tried to get her mouth near his neck. “Which part about me being five times
stronger than both of you on a sugar high don’t you get?”

Neev
poked him in the eye.

“Jesus.”
Both eyes went to water. “All right, all right. Audrey didn’t have a great
family life. Her mother is a piece of work and her father didn’t bother to see
her when she was sick and hasn’t spoken to her since Mia was born.”

“Wow,
way go Audrey’s dad,” said Neev.

“She
wanted to have a kid, but hadn’t met anyone she loved. She made a plan to have
Mia with donor sperm.”

“Ew,”
said Neev.

“Do
you want to hear this or not?”

“She’ll
be good. Go on,” said Gin.

“She
convinced her uni friend Barrett to father Mia.”

“So
they had sex?” Gin asked.

“They
didn’t. They used a lab, doctors. Artificial insemination.”

“Ew!”
said Neev. “What’s this got to do with why you broke up?”

“Everything.
Audrey planned her life so she didn’t have to rely on anyone except her close
friends like Les and her nanny.”

“You,”
said Gin.

“Me.”

“But
you fell in love,” she said.

“We
did.”

“But
it’s not her plan.”

“It’s
not.”

“Oh.”

“But
you can change her mind about that—make a new plan.”

The
lizard made a run for it. The cat pounced, picked the lizard up in its mouth
and carried it off into the dark edges of the garden.

“I
thought I could, but Audrey found out about how I used to fight, how I hurt people
and it frightened her. She remembered I didn’t fit in her plan.”

“A
plan is more important than love?” said Neev. All the mucking about had dropped
out of her.

“For
Audrey it is.”

“For
Mum too. She had a plan after Dad died,” said Gin. “I don’t remember him at
all, except the house smelled of sick all the time.”

“That’s
what I’m going to do, have a plan,” said Neev.

“I’m
not. I want to fall in love,” said Gin.

“And
get hurt and sad like Reece.”

“I’m
not,” he protested, but it sounded weak to him, no way the twins were buying.

“You
are. You even smell sad.”

He
turned his head to look at Neev and she bit his ear.

He
had to rumble her then. He stood, lifted her on his back and she shrieked, but
she hung on for fear she’d fall. Gin scrambled out of their way and he took Neev
down the steps and threw her onto the old trampoline, all the better that there
was water from the sprinklers lying on its surface. Neev bellowed and Gin took
off before he could come for her.

As
different as they were, of all the family the twins had a head start on working
out what love meant because they loved each other fiercely. They fought and
bitched and Gin went quiet while Neev played the clown, but they knew each
other’s thoughts and they had each other’s backs.

When
the house was quiet and they were all in bed, Reece made up the sofa bed in the
lounge room. He’d no sooner lay his aching body on it than Flip climbed in with
him.

“Can
we talk?”

He
set his alarm. He had to be on the building site by 6am. “You should be asleep.”

“Not
sleepy.”

“What
do you want to talk about?” He reached over and turned the floor lamp off. Someone
had left the bathroom light on down the hall. When their eyes adjusted they’d
have enough light to see each other.

“When
should I kiss a boy?”

“Oh.”
He laughed, regretted it and tried to choke it back. “Um. Not yet.”

“When?”

“Why
are you asking me this, Flipper?”

“You’re
a boy.”

“This
is true.”

“Der.”

“What
does Etta say?”

“That
I’ll be called a slut if I do it too soon. What’s the boy word for slut?”

“Ah.”
It wasn’t obvious, and Flip shouldn’t have to know here was a difference. “Dog,
I guess.”

“That’s
not bad. Not as bad as slut.”

“Ah
Flipper, can’t you just be ten and not worry about kissing?”

“I’m
almost eleven but okay.”

“Okay,
good. That was easy.”

“That
was an excuse to get you talking. My real question is, are you sad?”

“Did
Gin tell you I was?”

“No,
your eyes are sad.”

“Ah
Flip, it’s okay to be sad sometimes.”

“But
I don’t want you to be. It’s about that night we babysat, isn’t it. Audrey got
scared.”

He
nodded and she’d have felt it, she lay half across him, her head on his
shoulder.

“But
you saved her from being attacked.”

“I
scared her while I did it.”

“That’s
not fair. I could talk to her; tell her how you’re not mean and nasty. Like
when we went to your interview.”

“It’s
a bit more serious than that.” He tangled his hand in her hair, halfway down
her back and full of knots she never brushed out.

“Oh.
So how can I help?”

Etta
was his nemesis, Neev his sparring partner, Gin his conscience, but Flip was
the timing device in his heart. “You’re already helping.”

“No
I’m not. Don’t rumour me.”

He
smiled. “Humour you.”

“Yeah,
that’s it.”

“Give
me a hug, Flipper, that will make me feel better.”

She
wrapped her flyweight arms around him and Reece gave her a happy groan and
hugged her heavyweight to make her squirm.

“Pippa,
bed.”

He
let go at Charlie’s words and Flip sprung away and raced past Mum for her
bedroom.

“Are
you all right there, Reece? Warm enough?”

She
was backlit by the light in the hall. “Yeah, Charlie.”

There
was a pause and then she said softly, “What do you remember about Bruce?”

The
memory came clear. It was more than Wrestlemania. “He taught me to fight.”

“He
did.” Mum’s body sagged. “I’m so glad you remember that. We knew you’d get big
and he knew you’d get picked on for being gentle. He wanted you to be prepared.
I thought you only remembered being angry with Bruce because he died. You
idolised him at first. You followed him everywhere and he tried hard to teach
you how to be a good man. I see him in you every day. The part of you that
knows how to make people feel safe, that’s Bruce. If Audrey can’t love you for
who you are, you’re better off without her.”

Reece
groaned. “Now I remember why I come home, so you can all pick on me.”

“We
love you.”

Charlie
did that singsong, like Neeva would’ve. That’s where the smartarse in Neev came
from. He grinned at the ceiling. “This much love a fella could rust.”

“Goodnight,
my baby boy.”

“Gawd.
Night, Charlie.”

The
light went out, but he had to know. “Mum.” He heard her come back down the
hall. “How did you do it?”

“Do
what?”

He
could never have asked her this is the daylight. “How did you go on without
him? They didn’t think he was going to die. I remember everyone thought he’d
pull through. You had four kids, one on the way, no job, rent to pay, no other
family left to help.”

She
sighed. It sounded ancient to him. “I almost didn’t, honey. I’ve never stopped
missing him. But I had no option. You do what you have to do. You do it better
when it’s for people you love. And don’t forget I had you. I could never have
done it without you.”

She
came across the room and laid her hand on his chest. “It will pass. You’ll
absorb the loss and you’ll move forward. But I’m not going to lie to you and
tell you time heals, it just dulls, and I won’t belittle what you had with
Audrey. I can see what it’s done to you. I wish you weren’t a giant so I could
gather you up again and kiss it better, but I can’t and you’d be embarrassed
and I’m so proud of who you grew up to be, baby.”

“Jesus,
Mum.”

She
took his jaw between her fingers and shook his head. And they both knew it
wasn’t for the swearing.

26:     Suitable

Dr
Barber held Audrey’s file in her hands. “I know why you’re feeling unwell and
it’s not an effect of the meningitis, but this might be a shock to you.”

“I’m
pregnant.”

“Yes.”
Dr Barber sat back in surprise. “Did you guess?”

Audrey
didn’t feel shock. She felt resolved. This was how it would be now. Mia was
getting a sibling. “I took a test.”

“I
hope this is good news, if unexpected. There are no complications from the meningitis
and you’re otherwise healthy. I can recommend you to a gynaecologist if you
don’t have your own. But there is something else. Do twins run in your family? You
tested high for hCG, human chorionic gonadotropin, which is often an indicator
of twins, but it’s not strong enough on its own to tell us anything conclusive.
But along with the excessive fatigue, it’s worth considering. It’s a little
soon for an ultrasound and it may not be conclusive, but it can’t hurt.”

Twins.
Twins
. Two babies
. At the same time
. Impossible.

That
was why she was exhausted. Why her body felt as if it belonged to someone else.
If she’d thought one baby would change everything two was going to—

“Audrey,
are you okay?” Dr Barber put a glass of water in front of her. “This is a shock,
I am sorry. It’s quite a miracle pregnancy given you weren’t ovulating. It may,
of course, not be twins.”

“The
baby’s father has twin sisters.”

“Hmm
well, then, hmm, it’s not my area of expertise. Try to get that ultrasound next
week. It’s early but you might get lucky.”

Lucky
.
Is this what lucky felt like? This was as far removed a feeling from winning
the lottery as Audrey could fathom. She supposed she felt stunned, because she
didn’t feel anything else; not panic, certainly not excitement, just tired and
concerned this blanket of exhaustion would go on forever. She’d get as big as a
watermelon, as the back of a bus and she’d have no energy to drag herself
around.

She
paid for her appointment, made a new one with her gynaecologist and drove to
work. She would’ve taken a nap in the car but she had deadlines waiting. She
took a long conference call, proofed a proposal, and attended two meetings, one
annoyingly unnecessary, and the other brain numbingly long. She could barely
keep her eyes open and her feet moving. She tried not to think about the baby,
or the possibility there was more than one. She was fifteen weeks pregnant. She
had twenty-eight weeks to get used to the idea, maybe less. This was her new
reality and all she wanted to do was lie down behind her desk and not get up
for the rest of the year.

She
already couldn’t do this alone, and if it was twins, she wasn’t going to make
it.

“Aud,
hey, oh God. Wow, are you all right? You look dreadful?”

She
blinked at Les standing in the doorway of her office. She couldn’t talk to
Merrill about this. There was no point doing anything other than informing her
parents. Barrett was in Africa. He’d come back if she asked him too, but these
were another man’s babies.

Babies.
Plural. She was already thinking about them as two.

“Close
the door.”

“If
you’re sick again I should be calling an ambulance.”

“I’m
not sick.”

Les
closed the door. “You’ve seen a ghost then. Oh heck, what have you found under
the photocopier? Don’t tell me they’re cleaning out legal and I don’t know
about it.” She sat with exaggerated heft. “You know what, doesn’t matter. I’m
in love and I’m loved by the sexiest man I’ve ever seen, and there are other
jobs. Hit me with it.”

“I’m
pregnant.”

Les
stood. She walked around the chair and sat down again, like a cat trying to
settle. “And you don’t want to be.”

“I
don’t want to be.” But was that still true? “I didn’t.” She shook her head. She
wouldn’t mention the twins until she knew for sure. She was confusing Les. “It’s
a shock.” She’d gone from wanting to avoid this any way possible, to resolved
to having the baby and back around to stunned by the idea of twins. Her head
was in a worse place than when she had meningitis.

“Aud,
what can I do?”

She
could hug Les. “I needed to tell someone.”

“You
need to tell him. No matter what you decide to do, Reece needs to be part of
it.”

She
closed her eyes and her lids were so heavy she felt their weight in her chest.

“Oh
Audrey, why aren’t you trying to get him back? That man is pining for you and
it’s hard to watch. He thinks he ruined it. He thinks he made you frightened
and if you really think he’s not up to being with you and Mia, being a father to
this baby, then I’ll shut my big gob, but if this is just pride, get the hell
over yourself and go get him.”

She
spread her hands in appeal. “How can I do that now? He didn’t ask for this.”

“You
didn’t make a baby on your own.”

“It
was an accident.” Though Merrill would call it a wonder. “And I know how to
raise one on my own.” One, not one plus one, plus Mia.
Dear God
.

Les
plucked at the arm of the chair. “Well, now you are being selfish. Never thought
you were by having Marvellous. I might’ve followed your example if things hadn’t
turned out for me, like I think they might. But if you have this baby without
Reece being involved, I think that’s it for us. I don’t think we can be friends
anymore.”

She
rested her head on her hand, elbow on the desk. She was too tired to be hurt by
Les’ words. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t involve him. I haven’t shut Barrett out of
Mia’s life. I won’t shut Reece out, but it’ll be formalised. I won’t expect anything
from him and I’ll know where I stand.”

“He
never let you down. He is not your father. And you’re going to punish him all
over again.”

“I’m
going to organise things so they’re best for everyone.”

“This
is not work, Aud, it’s life. It gets messy. It doesn’t run on a project plan.”

“It
runs best that way—fewer surprises.”

Until
one shows up at your door, a man with a woman’s name, who challenged your very
idea of gender roles, when that shouldn’t have been possible, a giant with a
ballerina’s grace and the heart of a whole football team.

“Thank
God for surprises because I would never have found Polly.”

“I’m
happy for you.”

“No
you’re not. You’re being a miserable bitch. What is wrong with you?”

Audrey
stood, using the desk to heave herself up as though she was already toting that
watermelon. She had no energy to make Les understand.

“I’m
sorry you don’t approve, but I’m doing the best I can. I’ve just got this job. You
can imagine how much harder it’s going to be to hold on to it when I have to
take leave again.” How much leave did you need to take for twins? Would Cameron
sign up for a new baby, for two?

Les
stayed seated, stubbornly unmoved. “I’m not writing an agreement with Reece up
for you. I can’t stand to see you throw your relationship with him away.”

“He
is twenty-seven years old. I would be trapping him with a family, another man’s
child.”

“How
do you not get that man has, ‘trap me, Audrey’, written all over him.”

“It
would be wrong.”

“Sit
down. We’ll work it out. It the most right thing I’ve seen.”

Audrey
sat with a thump. She put her hand over her mouth. She couldn’t do this without
help. She couldn’t do this without Reece. She didn’t want to be without his
love. But if she went to him now he’d think she only wanted him as a carer not
a lover, as a father not as her heart’s desire.

“Oh
my God. I don’t know how to get him back.”

Les
deflated into the chair. “You hurt him. But he’s not going to reject you.”

“But
if he only takes me back because there’s a baby, that’s not going to work.”

“Worry
about that when you know it’s an issue.”

“How
can it not be an issue already? Is he still at Polly’s? I could go to him now. I
need to grovel so hard. I need to give him the chance to decide what to do.”

“He’s
still at Polly’s but they’re on a job, some country estate Pollidore’s are
building, he won’t be home till the end of next week. Polly drives to the top
of some mountain every night to call me because they’re out of phone coverage
range. He’ll wait, Audrey. This is not news for the phone.”

Les
was right. And by the time Reece was back, she’d know more, she’d have a chance
to put her pitch to him together.

It’d
be the pitch of her life.

She
made it through the rest of the week without falling asleep in front of anyone.
She was calmer, after her meltdown with Les, though she had no reason to feel
that way. All the certainty she’d strived to build around her had turned to
cloud and burned away in the bright sunlight of happenstance.

She
didn’t know if she was having one baby or two, if she could get Reece’s love
back, if he’d want her for family. She didn’t know how Mia would manage siblings,
how Barrett would react. How to break this news to Merrill or whether this
would deliver the fatal heart attack her father had been courting with his
anger issues for years. She didn’t know if Cameron would stay. She didn’t know
how best to manage this pregnancy and keep her commitment to work through the
absence it would require.

Her
boss, Jonathan came back from sabbatical and promptly quit. He was moving to a
monastery in Nepal. Her probation in the new role came to an unscheduled end
and Chris wanted to see her. He had to get in line, she had an appointment with
her gynaecologist the same day.

Doc
Ling confirmed what Doc Barber and the internet hinted at. Extreme fatigue was
normal for twins and it might not pass. She should expect a very different
pregnancy to Mia’s and she might need bed rest prior the birth. They could plan
more when they knew for sure after the ultrasound. More complexity, more
unknowns should’ve rocked her, but sometime between her argument with Les and approaching
date of Reece’s return, she’d changed.

Instead
of being weary and worried, eaten up with denial and indecision she was
excited. Not jump all over the place, make a noise like Mia, but quietly
humming with the thrill and joy of it.

It
had started as tiny spot of warmth and light inside the core of her body when
she let herself wonder what the new babies might look like, if they’d have
Reece’s jade green eyes, if they’d have his nature, what sex they’d be. And it
grew, fanned out and flamed inside her as authentic happiness and delight.

She
didn’t need to be frightened of this. She was entirely capable of doing this, with
or without Reece, and she didn’t let herself think about without.

She
would have a family made with her own determination and the DNA of men she’d
loved. It was more than she’d thought she could manage at first and it might’ve
been purely chemical, a hormonal sleight of hand, but she wanted it, all of it,
with every breath she took, and she’d fight for it with every wit she had.

She
sat outside Chris’ office waiting for him to call her in. The battle of wits
would start here and finish when she had Reece back in her life.

He
poked his head out and called her in. “Good to see you.” He waved at his lounge
and she took a seat gratefully. He looked tired, greyer around the hairline. “I
want you on a special project.”

Not
what she’d expected. She’d figured she’d end up with more of Jonathon’s
responsibilities on a permanent basis. Chris outlined the project, a
partnership with the Chinese Government. She’d need to be in Shanghai for weeks
at a time.

Sixteen
weeks ago she’d have given blood to be on that project team, and success would
have set her career up for bigger things.

“Yes
or no, Audrey.” It’s what Chris would’ve said to any of his senior leaders,
male, female, single, or married with kids. He accorded her the same respect. “I
need to know at the end of next week. Your current job holds if you decide you
don’t want the project leader role.”

Sixteen
weeks ago, she’d have been renewing her passport. She looked out Chris’ glass
wall at the city. Her timing was lousy, but she couldn’t find a place inside
her for disappointment.

“I
can tell you now.”

He
sat forward. “Good. I’m excited to have you aboard.”

“Oh,
Chris, I’m sorry. I can’t do it.”

He
frowned. “How can we help you manage it?”

She
frowned back at him. “I don’t understand the question. It’s not something you
can do. My circumstances make it impossible.”

“Yes,
there is. Mia’s not in school yet, she can travel with you. We’ll provide a
full-time nanny or accommodate yours with help at the other end in Shanghai.”

Audrey
laughed. Sixteen weeks ago, this would’ve been a kind of miracle. “Why would
you do that?”