Unsuitable (33 page)

“I
don’t get it.”

Like
the seagulls that queued patiently in front of them weren’t getting chips but
hung around just in case.

“Are
you doing anything tonight?”

She
made a face and shook her head.

“Come
have dinner with Charlie and the girls and me tonight.”

“Ah.”
Another face. “I don’t think so.”

“That’s
what you don’t get. I love my family. You like them in small, controlled doses.
You loved me, but you wanted me to be different, more ambitious. Louder, more
dominant. That’s why we were never going to work.”

“That’s
not fair, Reece. I only wanted you to be the best you could.”

“I’m
my best me when I’m with Audrey and Mia.”

Sky
made a gagging sound.

He
lifted his arm to pat her on the back and realised she wasn’t choking, she was
mocking him. “Nice.”

“It’s
the best I can do. I’m not going to get a second chance with you and I’m pissed
off.”

He
opened his mouth to answer and his phone rang. Audrey. He showed Sky the screen
as he stood, moved away to answer. “Hi.”

“Hi.
Can you talk?”

She
was brisk. “Sure, everything okay?”

“Barrett’s
here. He’s going to stay with us for a couple of weeks.

“Oh,
okay.” What did that mean? Barrett would be in the guest room, his room. “How do
I handle that with Mia Monday?” There was a long silence and he thought the
call had dropped. “Audrey?”

“I
don’t want you to come on Monday.”

“What?”
He wrapped his free hand around railing on the walkway.

“Listen,
Reece. We got too close too fast. I was so sick and you were wonderful, but I
didn’t know everything I needed to know about you and what I saw last night changed
the way I feel.”

The
sun blazed and he felt cold. He held onto the guardrail because it wasn’t
moving and everything else in his life was. “You’re breaking up with me?”

“Yes.”

“Because
I beat some guys up before they beat me?”

“Say
it, Reece. That you saved me again. You did. I’m grateful. But I think I should’ve
known about that part of you, and that part of you isn’t compatible with
someone I want caring for Mia.”

The
scab on his middle knuckle split, but he didn’t le the railing go. There had to
be a way to fix this. “So we cool it and take a breather. We can go back to—”

“No.”

“You’re
sacking me.”

“I’ll
provide severance. I’ll be generous, Reece. I’ll ever forget what we owe you,
Mia and me.”

“Fuck,
Audrey. Fuck.” No, no, no. This wasn’t how it should be.

“That’s
not helping.”

“Last
night was an accident. If it hadn’t happened—”

“But
it did. If it hadn’t, were you ever going to tell me about that part of your
life?”

He
took a lungful of breath and tried to hold it, tried to calm down. “I’m not that
man anymore. Fuck. Give me a chance to explain. Let me see you.”

“No.”

“Audrey.”
He might’ve plucked that railing from its cement footing, like it was made of
Lego.

“I’ll
bank your severance Monday. I’ll have Les drop a bag of things you left at the
house to Polly. She’ll ask Polly for your house keys.”

“That’s
it. I don’t get to say good bye to Mia?”

“It’s
better this way. It will upset her.”

“Fuck.”

She
disconnected.

He
pounded the hand holding his phone into the guardrail once, twice, till the
phone shattered. He opened the cuts on his knuckles and blood dripped down his
hand.

Sky
stopped him doing any further damage, freaking out any more people on the promenade.
She came to dinner that night. He sat at the head of the table with six women
he cared about, who still cared about him.

22:     Losing
Control

Barrett
had a broken heart. That’s why he was back. Nothing to do with hunting for new
stock, like he’d told Audrey, and everything to do with avoiding Jeremy, his partner
of three years. He was basically hiding out, though he could certainly afford
to stay anywhere he wanted, so behind that was his genuine concern about what
would be done for Mia if anything terminal did happen to Audrey.

He
looked miserable and he meant well. And he noticed she was miserable too. That
was the thing with Barrett, he came off like he drifted above ordinary mortals,
that he was bored by everyday life, but he didn’t miss a trick while his head
was stuck in
Antique Trader
.

He
told her to cry and she did. Again. Enormous ugly-making, snot projecting tears.
It had been a year of loss and shock and feeling out of control. She’d cried
more this year than in her whole adult life. She wished she’d never met Reece, never
invited him into her home, never been stupid enough to sleep with him because
he was beautiful and she was shaken and lonely, or fall in love with him because
he saved her life and made her feel cared for and cherished.

It
was out of character for her to be so wild. She was not right in the head after
the meningitis, that’s why it happened. And she should’ve known that and not
made any decisions that would muck with her plans. The best she could do now was
move on as fast as possible, get back with the program, be better organised for
Mia, focus on work and pull her life together.

And
Barrett agreed, because that’s what Barrett generally did, until the point
where he didn’t.

They
spent the first night together with wine and take out, with Mia alternatively
shy with Barrett and a rampaging monkey who wanted to hang off him like she did
Reece.

Barrett
tolerated her sticky fingers and sharp elbows, her loud bellowing and chewed
bottom lip with gritted teeth and humour that went over her head, but at the
same time registered with her as an insult. She might only be a little kid, but
she knew Barrett was being an irritable pompous twit.

They
took turns putting Mia back to bed, drank too much wine and cried into their tiger
prawns. Jeremy had been covertly unfaithful. Reece had a secret violent streak.
Jeremy was an ungrateful deceiver. Reece was a flagrant liar. Jeremy was a
bitch. Reece was a bastard. Jeremy was the best lay Barrett ever had, and the most
outstanding business partner. Audrey would never find a man who’d give her more
physical pleasure or more warmth and consideration than Reece. Barrett would
take Jeremy back in a heartbeat, if the devil would grovel. Audrey would go
after Reece if she could first buy a time machine and wipe out his vicious
past.

It
was a good thing they were shot of them.

Barrett
said he’d take over as nanny until Audrey could find a new one. Audrey planned
to ring around the local kindys and see if she could bribe her way to a place
for Mia. She was sure Merrill would take her for the occasional overnights. It
was a good plan, it would work.

It
worked for one and a half days. Because that’s the other thing about Barrett. He
wasn’t good with compromise. Or children. Mia had an epic tantrum when Barrett wouldn’t
dance with her on Tuesday and Audrey had to come home from work.

Cameron
arrived Wednesday morning to save them all from killing each other.

Reece
arrived Friday morning to make Audrey wish they had.

He
knocked on the door and Mia got there first. By the time Audrey appeared,
dressed for work but shoeless, without having done her hair or make-up, Mia was
in Reece’s arms whispering jokes and lies in his ear.

She
stood inside the house. He stood in the driveway. “What are you doing here,
Reece?”

He
jogged Mia on his hip, looked Audrey straight in the eye. “I need to see you.”

He
looked perfect, standing there with Mia, watching her as though his happiness
depended on the next thing she said. “This is not a good time.”

“It’s
a good time, Mum. It is.”

If
she was weak, she’d forget about the fact Reece had an extraordinary capacity
to be brutally aggressive and he’d kept that information from her. “Reece, put
Mia down please.”

He
tried, but Mia screamed and clutched tight around his neck. Audrey felt
nauseous.

“Audrey,
please talk to me,” he said, before Cameron appeared in the doorway and his
eyes shifted to her.

Cameron
smiled then frowned, her eyes hopping from Reece and Mia to Audrey. “Can I help?”

“Hey,
Cameron.” Reece looked confused too. Pleased to see Cameron till the second he
figured out why she was there and his shoulders sagged.

Cameron
went down the steps into the driveway. She reached for Mia. “Come on, you need
to have your breakfast before we go to the park.”

“Nooo.”

“Please,
Mia,” Cameron said.

Audrey
said, “Mia,” a little sharper than she’d intended, but this had to stop.

“Fuck,”
said Mia.

She
created the kind of silence that followed a catastrophic event, the precise
moment before all hell broke loose. Audrey and Cameron spoke at once. Reece
said something she didn’t hear. Barrett appeared in the hall and Mia started
wailing. She pushed her face into Reece’s neck and howled as if she was on
fire.

He
held her, his eyes lowered. He stroked her back and spoke softly to her till
she grew quieter. Then he crouched to put her feet to the ground. “What are you
having for breakfast?”

She
sniffed. “I don’t want it.” The register of her voice was high-pitched wobble.

Cameron
put a hand to Mia’s hair. “Egg with toast soldiers.” She and Reece exchanged a sympathetic
look.

Reece
manoeuvred Mia to a standing position. “I wish that was my breakfast. Do you
know what I had for breakfast?”

Mia
shook her head. He leaned in and whispered in her ear.

“Did
you?” She was red faced, tear streaked and sniffing. She looked slightly
horrified, but she was standing by herself without him propping her up. He
nodded and she laughed.

“Yuck.
You can share my breakfast.”

He
stood, his hand on her head. “You go eat first with Cameron.”

Mia
tipped her head back to look up at him. “But you’ll come?”

He
looked across at Audrey and she saw all the reasons she loved him, his
gentleness and thoughtfulness, and then she remembered the blood and the shouts
of pain, the crunch of bone, the matter of fact checking of pulses, and the way
he could wield viciousness with the same ease he cracked jokes about breakfast.

“Go
with Cameron, Mia,” she said.

Mia
and Cameron came up the stairs. Barrett coughed, though he already had Reece’s
attention. “I’m Barrett. Should I be throwing my weight around?”

“I’m
not here to cause trouble. I need five minutes with Audrey,” said Reece.

She
held a hand up to Barrett and stepped back into her bedroom for shoes. She was
going to be late for work. Mia had been asking about Reece and so far had been
easily fobbed off by the excitement of Barrett and Cameron, but that was over.

She
heard Barrett say, “I don’t think she wants two minutes with you. Don’t make
this harder than it needs to be,” and stepped back into the hallway in her
heels.

Reece
was watching for her. “I’ll make it as easy as she wants. I’ll swap my severance
payment for five minutes with her.”

Barrett
was amused by that. Audrey was wrecked. The severance was the least she owed
him and in five minutes he could unwind her resolve as easy as the sight of his
distress was unravelling her emotions. “You need to go, Reece.”

“Five
minutes.”

Barrett
intervened. “You trained as a boxer?”

Reece’s
chin came up, his glance switched to Barrett. “I trained as a street fighter. Mixed
martial arts. No rules, open combat. But that was years ago.”

“And
you didn’t think to tell Audrey about it. Didn’t think that was pertinent?”

Reece’s
hands came together, his fingers interlocking. His knuckles were scabbed and
bruised. This was a street fight too and Audrey wanted it over before anyone
got more hurt.

“What’s
your role here?” he said to Barrett.

Barrett
held his hand out to her and she took it. “I’m Audrey’s friend and Mia’s
father, what’s yours?”

The
expression on Reece’s face caught her full force in the chest and ripped her
open. She had stripped him of his meaning in this. Was she wrong? Was she
panicking again, like she’d done recovering from meningitis? Did she really
want to be without Reece? He’d lied. He’d told her she knew everything there
was to know about him. What other secrets did he have that could hurt Mia?

She
took her hand from Barrett. “It’s okay.” She owed Reece this.

She
went out the door and down the steps. She stood in front of Reece and viewed
the wreckage of him up close. It wasn’t that he looked any different, but he
was. She saw him as she’d done that very first day, a hulking, beautiful man,
surprising for his softness, out of place and time with his skills and chosen
career.

He
was inconsistent, he was too young, they wanted different things, were in different
places in their lives. And yet, he would bend for her beyond all that was best
for him. He was simply unsuitable, and she couldn’t bear for this to hurt him
anymore.

“You
can’t come here like this.” If he fought her she’d cut him off quickly. But
they didn’t need an audience. She gave Barrett a wave. He nodded and moved out
of the doorway into the house.

Reece
folded his arms and she knew that was to prevent reaching for her. “Let me
explain.”

She
had to furl her own fists to stop from doing the same to him. “No, it’s done. There
is nothing for you to say and this is upsetting for all of us.”

“You’re
very pale, baby. No dizziness. No tingles or headaches.”

“Reece.
Stop.”
Please, please stop, please go, please don’t make this harder.

“Don’t
cut me off like this.”

“What
do you want me to say that I haven’t already? It was a mistake to get involved.
I made a bad decision and you kept your secrets and there’s no going back.”

“I
don’t believe that for a second. Tell me you don’t love me.”

It
was easier if she looked at his big boat-like shoes than his wonderful face and
those eyes gone dark. “It’s not as easy as that.”

“Yeah,
it is. I love you and Mia and I want to be with you both.”

She
shook her head. She couldn’t be his family. She knew how to do self-reliance,
not the muck of needing people you couldn’t control with a salary, with a
position. Family in the traditional sense had never worked well for her like it
did for others and she couldn’t be the reason Reece didn’t get to have one of
his own.

“I
need you to leave.”

He
didn’t move. He was a fortress. He would protect her and Mia till the day he
died and she’d never wanted anyone’s protection till she wanted it to save
herself from him. She could feel him watching her, but she wasn’t ready for him
to move. He cupped the back of her neck and put his lips to her forehead, so
infinitesimally slowly and tenderly she wasn’t ready to catch her sob either.

“Your
temperature is up. I need to know you’ll look after yourself,” he said, his
breath in her hair.

She
wanted to twist her hands in his shirt, hook them into the waistband of his jeans
and hold him to her. Her temperature was up because that’s what happens when
you break your own heart. “Please go.”

He
stepped back and broke her imaginary grip, broke her all over like she was one
of Mia’s toys stepped on and busted open.

“You
asked what it would take to make me lose control, fall apart.”

His
voice wavered and that all by itself, that hesitancy and hurt, almost made her
stagger.

“This
is how you do it to me, Audrey. It’s not six guys threatening me, menacing you
in an alley. It’s not having you learn the worst of me. It’s not even the idea
of having to share you with Barrett. It’s this. Knowing you don’t love me like
I do you and sending me away.”

She
didn’t see him go. She couldn’t see anything, only a dirty, gritty film over
the world, like he’d taken her sight when he took his leave. She heard his car start.
She felt Barrett’s arm around her. She stumbled on the stairs and nearly fell. She
has no feeling in her body. But she’d done it. She’d freed Reece. She’d
restored her own independence. She was back in control.

It
was all mechanical then. Eating the bacon sandwich Cameron pressed on her,
doing her hair, putting on lipstick. She drove to work and parked. She bought
coffee on the way to her desk. She had back to back meetings on new projects
she was keenly interested in. And the memo about her promotion went live, her
inbox filling with congratulatory notes.