Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (18 page)

Angergasms, crygasms, and gigglegasms may appear to be the spontaneous result of a powerful emotion we are feeling at the moment. But emotion is not the only source of an emotiongasm. Allow me to get technical for a moment, please.

The physiological ingredients of an emotiongasm are the same as a genital orgasm. A buildup of life force or sexual energy is brought about by a combination of breath, movement, sound, and muscular contractions and is followed by a release. This buildup and subsequent orgasmic release of life/sex energy doesn’t necessarily depend on genital stimulation. Emotiongasms don’t even depend on any particular emotion. In the course of a single breath and energy orgasm session (such as a Firebreath Orgasm or a Clench and Hold, which we will practice in
chapter 9
, “Breath and Energy Orgasms”), you could even have a gigglegasm, followed by a crygasm, followed by an angergasm, followed by another gigglegasm.

Not all energy orgasms are earth-shattering emotional catharses. Some of my favorite orgasms are tiny, fairy-like blissgasms. These are the little bites of bliss that start at your tailbone and wiggle their way up your spine until they explode like little sparklers in your brain. They usually happen when you are very quiet, perhaps just sitting looking out upon the ocean waves or at a sunset. But not always.

One particularly delightful blissgasm sneaked up on me one stunningly beautiful morning in Sydney, Australia. I was out for a stroll in the city, breathing in the clean, cool air, feeling the intense, hot sun on my skin, and being so grateful to be alive and in
that beautiful city on that beautiful day. I’ve always subscribed to the theory that if you make love to the universe, the universe will make love to you, so I began using several of my favorite Tantric techniques to circulate sexual energy between me and Sydney. Nothing I was doing was obvious to anyone on the street; I’m sure I appeared to be nothing more than a smiling, happier-than-usual woman on her way to the post office. I had no big expectation of any particular climax as a result of my lovemaking with the city of Sydney. I most surely had no expectation of any particular physical sensation. But before I knew it, a little blissgasm shivered up my spine, followed by an actual clitoral orgasm that washed up the front of my body. These two waves crashed together in my head. I was so amazed, I had to stop and lean against a wall—I’d had a walking orgasm!

So, which was better, the blissgasm or the clitgasm? Is an energy orgasm better than a genital orgasm? No, they are simply different. But is an energy orgasm combined with a genital orgasm better than either one separately? You bet!

It may be hard to believe that a good cry or laugh can be an orgasm. It may be even harder to believe that you can have an orgasm simply walking down the street. But it is important that we accept these ecstatic states as a kind of orgasm. When we limit the possibilities of our orgasms, we limit our energy, which can limit all our possibilities.

But Wait, There’s More!

All too often, women tell me that they have never had an orgasm. Understandably, they often have feelings of deep shame, grief, failure, and anger. Before we talk about how she might become orgasmic, I always ask a woman if she has experienced any gigglegasms, crygasms, or angergasms. Invariably she will say that she has, even if only as a child. There are no inorgasmic women; there are simply some women who have not yet experienced a genital orgasm. The moment an “inorgasmic” woman realizes that she is capable of orgasm—that she in fact has already had orgasms—she can open up to the possibilities of more, expanded genital orgasms.

I often ask workshop participants, “What would make your orgasms better?” The most popular answer is this: “I know there is something more out there and I would like to be able to let go and find it.” I have heard this from both women and men (and from those creative beings who are somehow neither or both). People of vastly varied sexual experience all seem to know that there is something more. Whether your “something more” orgasm is a bigger, better physical orgasm, or you’re longing for a rendezvous with your higher power, your desire for “something more” is your divinely legitimate right.

Before I move on to energetic techniques to expand your orgasmic possibilities, I want to give you some nuts-and-bolts tips on good old-fashioned physical orgasms. According to the principles of Taoism, yang energy builds quickly and dissipates quickly; yin energy builds slowly and dissipates slowly. Traditionally, it has been thought that men are more yang and women are more yin. However, today there are many transgender people who are neither one gender nor another. Yin and yang can no longer be assigned according to the shape of one’s genitals. However, yin and yang can be closely aligned with the hormones that predominate in the body. People with testosterone-based bodies (whether they were born male or take testosterone as a supplement) tend to be more yang. People with estrogen-based bodies (whether they were born female or take estrogen as a supplement) are typically more yin.

The most common questions I hear from people on their way to those “something more” orgasms are these:

From people with estrogen-based bodies:
How do I have an orgasm? How do I have an orgasm more easily?

From people with testosterone-based bodies:
How can I delay orgasm? Can I really orgasm without ejaculating? And if I don’t ejaculate, can I really have multiple orgasms?

Given the role of hormones, it makes perfect sense that people with estrogen-based bodies would want to heat up more quickly, and people with testosterone-based bodies might wish to cool down. Each of us is intuitively searching for balance. Whether you identify with (or your desires lean toward) the yin or the yang, when you strive for a balance of the two, you can create the orgasmic experience you desire.

Braingasms

Did you know that people who have no feeling at all below the waist—people with spinal cord injuries, for example—can still have orgasms? It’s true. My friend Alison Partridge, a paraplegic sex therapist in Adelaide, Australia, has physical sensations only in her hands and arms, breasts (one has less feeling than the other), neck, and head. Yet, when her clitoris is stimulated, she can have an orgasm. Where does she feel her orgasm to be located? Well, sometimes she orgasms in her nipples, sometimes inside her head. She reports that there is a distinct difference between nipple orgasms and the ones inside her head, but that both are wonderful. She has even discovered that by changing positions during sex she can have multiple orgasms. Alison’s experience illuminates the presence of numerous previously undiscovered neural pathways by which orgasmic energy can travel through the body to the brain. The more I study orgasm, the more convinced I am that orgasm “happens” primarily in the brain and that the intensely pleasurable feeling in our genitals—the kind that usually accompanies most of our orgasms—is only one of the many pleasures possible with orgasm.

For purposes of the following instruction only, I will presume that people with estrogen-based bodies have a vulva, clitoris, and vagina, and I will occasionally refer to them as women. I will also presume that people with testosterone-based bodies have a penis and testicles, and I will occasionally refer to them as men. I am well-aware that this is not the case for everyone. I trust that if you
are clever enough to create your own gender, you are certainly creative enough to adapt these tips for your own magnificently unique body.

Orgasm Tips for Estrogen-Based Bodies

The most effective I have for you is,
practice, practice, practice
. The best tip to find your orgasm is to look for it on a regular basis—by yourself. When you are alone, you can give yourself permission to take as long as you like and try anything you like. There is no one, surefire way to orgasm, but with practice and patience, you will develop a collection of techniques, toys, and fantasies that work for you. Here are some techniques to help you on your path.

Relax
. Take a bath. Wrap your legs up around the faucet and let the water rush onto your clitoris. Or use a detachable shower head and adjust the spray to the most pleasurable pressure and speed. If you have access to a hot tub, position yourself over one of the jets.

Look and explore
. Lie back and relax. Play some sexy music. Caress yourself all over; get into the mood. Use a mirror and your fingers to explore your vulva and clitoris. Find out where your sensitive spots are. Apply a water-based lube and try a variety of strokes. Concentrate primarily, but not entirely, on your clitoris.

Think sexy thoughts
. Get creative and get explicit. Political correctness has no place here. Your fantasy may have a detailed plotline or may just be a series of erotic images. Challenge yourself to create something new and hotter than before. Or, watch an erotic video or read an erotic story.

Breathe and rock
. As you breathe, rock your pelvis as though you are fucking (or being fucked by) someone. Don’t hold your breath! No matter what, keep breathing. You may feel that you’ll “lose” the orgasm when you breathe, but you won’t; you’ll just build up more and more sexual energy, which will create a better orgasm.

Vibrate
. I have never understood how some women can tell me that they are desperate to have an orgasm, yet they don’t want to use a vibrator. Good goddess, that’s like saying you want to go to the moon but don’t want to use a rocket to get there. Buy a vibrator! Using a vibrator will not desensitize your clitoris. If that were true, mine would be absolutely numb by now. If you use your vibrator for several minutes and then go back to using your fingers, you may not feel enough stimulation to bring yourself to orgasm with your fingers—but hey, that’s not a problem unless the electricity fails. Of the many kinds of vibrators on the market, I prefer electric ones, particularly the Hitachi Magic Wand. Of the battery-operated types, my favorite is the Natural Contours line, developed by Candida Royalle (see the resources section at the end of the book).

Press, release, press, release
. The key to orgasm for most people is a steady, repeated motion. However, varying the pressure on the clitoris is more effective than hard pressure alone. Pretend your clit is a doorbell: press, release, press, release. Try this with long, slow presses and releases, and then short, fast ones.

Add penetration
. A dildo may dramatically increase your orgasmic ability by providing a feeling of fullness in the vagina and by stimulating your G-spot. For extra fun, place your vibrator on the end of the dildo.

If you get tired and nothing seems to be working, change your breathing or your fantasy, or take a short break. You’ll shake off the numbness and feel a fresh surge of energy.

Continue the stimulation when you feel the beginnings of an orgasm. Lighten up during the first extremely sensitive moment, but keep the stimulation going to enjoy all the possible aftershocks.

The G-Spot

WHAT ABOUT G-SPOT ORGASMS?

Is there such a thing as a G-spot orgasm? Sure there is. Women who enjoy G-spot orgasms describe them as feeling deeper and more diffuse than clitoral orgasms. The G-spot was named for Ernst Gräfenberg, the doctor credited with “discovering” this area on a woman’s urethral sponge that, thousands of years before, had been named the Black Pearl by the Taoists.

The urethral sponge is the tissue that surrounds the urethra on the front wall of the vagina. Technically, the entire urethral sponge is the G-spot; however, many women do have a “spot” of erectile tissue (usually the size of a dime or a quarter, depending on the woman and how aroused she is) that has a slightly rougher—some might say ribbed—texture. The G-spot is most easily found by inserting a finger (palm up) into the vagina and making a “come here” gesture toward the front wall.

The tissue of the urethral sponge is actually an internal extension of the clitoris; however, there is a distinction between the two in that the sensations from the clitoris
travel on the pudendal nerve, while sensations from the G-spot travel on the pelvic nerve, which also transmits sensations from the bladder. This would explain why stimulation of the G-spot often produces the feeling of needing to urinate.

Some women love having their G-spot stimulated; others feel it is too intense. Approach the G-spot gently. This area tends to hold any sexual trauma that a woman has experienced; intense feelings and even pain can be triggered if the G-spot is handled too roughly. Some women ejaculate when their G-spot is stimulated; others may ejaculate when their clitoris is stimulated. Many women do not ejaculate; although with practice, many can and do ejaculate copiously and blissfully.

Orgasm Tips For Testosterone-Based Bodies

Orgasm and ejaculation are two different physical processes. The Taoists knew this 3,000 years ago, but we in the West are only now beginning to acknowledge the difference. Those clever Taoists discovered that if you can delay or withhold your ejaculation, you can experience multiple orgasms. In addition, according to Taoist sexuality (which began as a branch of Chinese medicine), men can live longer and increase their vitality by avoiding the exhaustion and loss of energy that follow ejaculation. According to the Tao, the body will use the energy it saves by not having to replenish sperm to nourish the mind, body, and spirit.