Vanished (3 page)

Any normal person would be thrilled to get this kind of attention from the guy she was dating. A normal person would text him back how she missed him too and mean it. Of course, it was already clear I'd left normal behind some time ago. And I did miss him; I just missed Beth more. Even
texting Zach made me feel like I was cheating on Beth, even though everything I was doing with Beth was cheating on Zach. I couldn't go on like this. It was time to settle things, one way or the other.

I felt a ripple of unease.

I rolled back over and burrowed under the covers. I told myself it didn't mean anything that Beth hadn't been in touch. She wasn't the kind of person who liked to be pinned down. She needed space, that's all. I got that. Beth had enough people wanting things from her—Britney, the team, her family—everyone. I wanted to be that person who wasn't asking more of her. I wanted to give her everything.

I pulled my extra pillow close and inhaled the scent of rosemary and mint still lingering from Beth's shampoo. Even sheets didn't forget her.

I curled around Roogs and hoped he would chase away a sinking fear. Maybe she hadn't blown off Brit and me last night. Maybe she'd just been blowing off me.

On Monday I stopped at Starbucks on the way to
school. Normally, I'd pick up an espresso for Beth and some kind of candy coffee drink for Britney, but I didn't today. I wasn't their waitress.

I'd finally sent Beth another message on Sunday and got nothing back, not even a text telling me she was too busy to talk. Britney hadn't bothered to get in touch either. For all I knew the two of them had spent all weekend together and they didn't even think how I'd still be waiting to hear from them. It wouldn't be the first time they'd treated me less like a friend and more like their pet.

I kicked an empty McDonald's cup across the school parking lot. They could get their own damn coffee.

I felt like an idiot for not seeing this coming. People who I'd thought were my friends had treated me badly before. I'd sworn when I left my old school that I'd never get myself in that situation again, and this time things would be different. Well, they would be. I'd learned my lesson. I wasn't going to let the Bs walk all over me.

I grabbed my stuff out of my locker and went down the D wing so I'd pass Beth's locker on my way to homeroom. I wanted to give her back her copy of
Alice
. I planned to play it cool and icy so the both of them would know I was annoyed. For once they could make it up to me—let them get
me
coffee for a change. And Beth owed me most of all. If I was going to risk everything for her by giving up Zach, she was also going to need to step up.

As I came around the corner, Britney practically tackled me. My chai latte sloshed onto my sweater sleeve.

“There you are.” Britney held my arm in a death grip. “I can't believe this is happening.”

I almost rolled my eyes in her face. Was she really that ticked that I hadn't brought her coffee? Then I registered that Britney was surrounded by a pack of girls. There was a low-grade hum of excitement, but I couldn't make out what anyone was saying. No one, not even Britney, got this worked up over coffee. “What's going on?” I asked.

Brit stared at me. “Beth's gone,” she said.

I pulled my arm back. The tea in my stomach iced over. I looked up and down the hall as if I expected Beth to pop
up from behind a garbage can. “What do you mean, gone?”

“I mean she took off. Disappeared. Nobody's seen her since Friday when she left school. Her parents figured she was out partying for her birthday, so they didn't think anything of it, but when she wasn't back by Sunday they started calling around.” I squinted, like better focus would help turn Brit's words into something that made sense. She kept talking. “She's used her ATM card and she sent them a text Sunday night saying she's fine but she needs some space.” Britney made air quotes around the last three words. “I can't believe she really left.” Another senior from our field hockey team rubbed Brit's back, trying to soothe her.

“Did she call you?” I asked.

Britney jumped. “What? No. I told you, she didn't say a word.”

“She left without telling
anybody
?” I wanted to ask why she hadn't called me, but I couldn't. Clearly this was Britney's show.

“Apparently.” Brit sounded annoyed.

I should have gotten coffee instead of tea. I needed more caffeine to get my brain up to speed. The milk from my chai latte was leaving a sour slick in my mouth. It tasted like rejection.

“Hamstead wants to talk to us,” Brit added.

“Me?” I squeaked. Hamstead was our principal. I'd never been called to his office for anything, good or bad. I felt my anxiety ratchet up a notch.

“I told him how Beth canceled on us Friday night. We might have been the last ones to hear from her before she ran off.”

“I didn't hear from her. She called you,” I reminded her. My chest felt tight. I'd known something was off when she hadn't called me to cancel. Maybe she'd known I would have been able to tell from her voice that she was planning something. Or maybe she didn't want me to say I'd go with her.

I felt everyone clustered around us moving closer, hanging on our every word. I wanted to swing my bag around and clear some space. They were making me feel claustrophobic.

“Just tell Hamstead what you know.” Britney steered me down the hall, her shoes clicking with every step. She glanced over her shoulder at the audience that was trailing us. “Don't worry, guys, I'll keep you all posted. I'm sure I'll hear from her soon.” She gave a brave smile.

My stomach clenched like a fist. I dropped what was left of my chai into the nearest trash can. “I hope she's okay,” I said.

Britney stopped short. “Beth is fine.” Her voice was clipped. “Don't be overdramatic.” I almost laughed. Britney was the very definition of
drama queen
.

“How do you know?” I wanted her to reassure me. To tell me that this was Beth just being impulsive and not her running away from me. I bit down on my lip to ground
myself. It felt like because I had been mad at Beth, the universe was teaching me a lesson.

Britney rolled her eyes. “Please. Beth's been talking about taking off for months. You know that. Part of me isn't even surprised that she did it the second she turned eighteen, when no one could force her to come back. I guess I'm just shocked that she actually had the balls to do it.”

My heart stuttered to a stop. “Wait. You don't think she's taken off for good, do you? What about school? What about . . . you know,
everything
? She can't just leave.” My voice was getting shrill and people were turning to look. I wanted to grab Britney and shake her, make her promise me that Beth was just trying to make a point. To make me realize how I would miss her if we weren't together. But of course Brit couldn't tell me that. She didn't even know about Beth and me.

“Take it easy. I'm not saying she's gone for good, just that she's talked about it before. She could be back home right now for all we know.”

Another possibility occurred to me and I spoke without thinking. “Do you think it had anything to do with what's going on between you two?”

Brit's eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

It was too late to backtrack. “I can tell you guys have been fighting about something,” I said.

She crossed her arms. “What did Beth tell you?”

“She didn't tell me anything.” Which was the whole
problem as far as I was concerned. “All I know is what I heard from you. And what I've seen.”

“Well, don't go making things up. That's all I need—people thinking this is my fault. We fight all the time, but it doesn't mean anything. You know that better than anyone.” Britney shook her head, looking almost sad. “I don't know what she's trying to pull with this stunt.”

My brain wouldn't stop running through worst-case scenarios. “What if she took off because something bad happened?” I was almost pleading.

Brit sighed. “Don't waste your time thinking about her, because she sure as hell isn't thinking about you. After all, she didn't call you, swear you to secrecy, and tell you where she was going, did she?” Britney gave me a pointed look.

Her words hit me like a punch in the gut. Beth had told Britney where she was going. Of course. They
were
best friends. And if Beth had sworn Britney to secrecy, pretending she didn't know anything was exactly what Britney would do. Brit was undeniably loyal like that, and there's nothing she would like more than having a major role to play in the drama. I searched her face for answers.

The hard glint to Brit's eyes suddenly melted to water, as if the fact Beth had left us was fully sinking in and she didn't want to carry the secret alone.

“It'll be okay.” I started to comfort her, but Britney was looking right through me. She stepped away from me and practically collapsed into her boyfriend's arms.

Britney buried her face in Jason's shirt. He wrapped his arms around her and looked at me with his eyebrows raised. I mouthed, “Beth.” He still looked confused, and slightly alarmed. “You got my text?” Britney mumbled into his chest.

“Yeah, but ‘nine-one-one, I'm freaking out,' didn't really tell me much,” he said. “You okay, babe?” He rubbed Brit's back while she sniffed loudly.

“Beth's missing,” I explained. His eyes widened.

Brit pulled back and looked into Jason's face. There was no sign of her tears. “She's not
missing
. She took off. No one's seen her since Friday morning.” She cocked her head and stared at him. “I mean, unless you saw her somewhere? You were gone Friday afternoon too.”

“What? Me? I didn't see her. I had a dentist appointment.” Jason looked vaguely nervous, like he thought Britney might blame him for masterminding Beth's escape plans. He wasn't totally paranoid; with Britney anything was possible.

Britney shrugged, but didn't break eye contact with him. “I don't know, I just thought there was a chance you two might have bumped into each other.”

The bell rang and Jason's head snapped up. “Shit, I have to go. I can't be late again. Ms. Henderson would love to give me a detention and Coach would kill me.”

Britney kissed him quickly and smacked him on the ass. “Run along, then. Coach Pitt is right. No one likes a guy they can't count on.”

Jason took a few steps away. “You gonna be okay?”

Britney broke into a smile. “I'll be fine. You know me, I always come out on top.” She watched him jog down the hall. “I really love him, you know,” she said to me. “There isn't much I wouldn't do for him.”

“I know,” I said. Following Britney's mood swings was like trying to read a book while on a roller coaster.

“Let's go see Hamstead. Get it over with.” She hooked her arm through mine.

I rested my head on her shoulder and swallowed hard. Beth was gone. She finally did it. She took off. And she didn't tell me a thing.

I guess Britney could tell how upset I was because she enveloped me in a hug. Being hugged by Britney was like being dropped face-first into a bouquet. I inhaled deeply, trying to push aside all the negative thoughts swirling inside me. I squeezed Brit a bit tighter, grateful she was someone I could count on. I knew I was lucky to have her as a friend.

“Don't be sad. I'm sure Beth is fine. It sucks that she ditched us, but that's who she is. You know what she's like, always chasing after the next new shiny thing.” She patted my hair. “With friends you have to accept the good with the bad. Beth is wild and fun, but she's unreliable. Leaving was her choice. Kah-bear, you have to not take the world so seriously. And certainly don't take Beth so seriously.”

“Sometimes it is serious,” I pointed out, but I could hear the echo of when Beth had told me the same thing.

“You don't have to worry. If something were really wrong, she would have told me. We tell each other everything,” Britney said.

I nodded and forced myself to smile.
Not everything
, I thought.
She didn't tell you about me
.

There's a special level of hell that is a field hockey
scrimmage on a cold wet day. Normally I have no tolerance for people who whine about getting chilly. Today I was ready to quit before I even laced up my shoes.

The season was long over, but since we'd lost the state championship by a single point, we'd all agreed to run extra unofficial practices throughout the spring to make sure next year we kicked ass. Even the seniors stuck around to help. In theory the practices were voluntary, but we all knew Beth and Britney as co-captains were keeping track of who showed up. Unless players were being actively struck by lightning, the field was on fire, or Armageddon was going down, we were on the field on Mondays.

I'd suggested to Britney that we call off practice since Beth was gone, but she'd said keeping up the schedule was important for the team. I couldn't shake the idea that she also wanted Coach to find out that she'd stepped up when Beth flaked out. Britney had never been happy that Beth got co-captain. Brit had been lobbying to be captain for years, while Beth didn't really care, but everyone knew Beth was the better player. Now Britney could finally prove that she was the right woman for the job after all. It wasn't just about talent, it was about dedication.

All day, I'd kept waiting for the world to stop. It seemed like classes should be canceled so that we could wait by the phone, or form search teams, or do something. Instead we all went on with our regular schedules. There were pop quizzes, boring presentations, and more homework assigned. The cafeteria stuck to the same hot lunch menu. The hallways had the same smells. Zach walked me to class like usual, and Britney held court on the senior benches. Life went on like normal, except for the fact that Beth wasn't there.

I'd heard her name all day long, though, in whispers in the halls, echoing off the lockers, on everyone's lips. It was as if she was haunting me.

“Pick it up, Haggerty! That was supposed to be a three at the back formation!” Britney yelled at Stacy. She tapped my stick with hers as she ran by. “Stay close, go right side.”

I picked up speed and ran down the field, my muscles
burning with the effort. My feet slid on the wet grass, mud squelching under my turf shoes and splattering up my calves. Britney dodged left to avoid a tackle and sprinted upfield. I knew what she was planning. It was a move she and Beth had perfected, a blind back pass. Beth's absence wasn't throwing off her game at all.

There were all sorts of rumors flying around school about what Beth was doing. The leading theory was that she'd taken off for New York City to live with some ex-boyfriend or to become a model, or possibly both. No one seemed to think it was weird that she'd left. It was like they had been waiting for her to do something like this and were thrilled she'd finally provided some excitement. I was the only one who was shell-shocked.

Every time a new rumor popped up, Britney would oscillate between acting totally mystified and responding with a half smile that hinted she knew more than she was letting on. The only time she lost it was when some varsity jerk made a crack about how Beth had to move on to fresh pastures since she'd already dated every guy on the basketball team and half the cheerleaders too. I was grateful Brit threw a fit about that, so I wouldn't be the only one looking like I wanted to scream.

My mind snapped back to the game when the ball hit my stick, more by luck than any skill. I didn't think. I reacted. I struck the ball with all the pent-up anger I'd had building all day. My shot was hard and fast and it went high, hitting
Amy Chan in the shoulder. She fell to the turf, grabbing her arm. I dropped my stick, shocked at what I'd done.

Britney stopped short and blew her whistle.

“Are you okay?” I asked Amy. She got up slowly, rubbing her shoulder and glaring at me.

“What were you thinking?” Britney yelled. “Are you trying to take her head off?”

I stood there with my mouth open. I didn't know how to explain I hadn't been thinking about the game at all. My shot was illegal. If it had been in a match, I would have gotten a red card for sure.

My lower lip started to shake. I could have really hurt Amy. Everything in my life was fraying apart, and I couldn't stand Brit being mad at me too. She and Zach were all I had left. My eyes started filling with tears.

“Hey, it's okay.” Britney lowered her voice as she stepped closer. “You didn't mean it. You just clipped her. She's going to be fine.”

“I—I don't know how it happened,” I stammered. My jersey was clammy and stuck to my skin, making me shiver.

Britney offered me an out. “Tell you what, why don't you gather up the extra gear and put it away. Call it a day.”

Even though a minute ago all I'd wanted was to get out of practice, now I didn't want to be separated from the rest of the team. “I'm sorry. Don't pull me. I want to keep playing.”

Brit put her hands on her hips. “Your head isn't in the
game, so the rest of you shouldn't be either.”

“I can play,” I insisted.

Britney's lips pressed into a line. “Next year you can call the shots, but for now it's still me, and I'm saying you're done.” She clapped her hands together. “Keep it moving, everyone. O'Neil, you're taking Richards's spot.”

I wanted to argue with her. Technically, I had just as much right to run these practices as she did. I was going to be captain next year. Coach had announced it at our end-of-season banquet. Beth had even put her whistle around my neck like it was a gold medal. But as usual with Britney, it wasn't worth the fight.

Clare O'Neil bounced past me, thrilled with the call-up. My face felt red hot, even in the cold drizzle. I was too embarrassed to demand to stay. It was a stupid mistake. I deserved to be sent off the field. I was one of the best players on the team, maybe the best when Beth wasn't there, but today it was like I'd forgotten even the basics.

“No hard feelings, okay?” Brit gave me a quick squeeze. “I'm doing what I think is right. It's the same call Beth would have made.”

I nodded because if I opened my mouth to talk I was pretty sure I'd start crying. I picked up the extra balls and the plastic cones we'd used for drills and dragged them back toward the gym.

As I walked inside, Chester, our school janitor, waved and smiled like she was thrilled to see me. Chester isn't her
real name. I'm not sure any of us know what it is. We call her that because she likes to wear her dad's work shirts. He works at an auto repair place and his name, Chester, is embroidered over the pockets. Chester doesn't have it easy at our school. A mentally slow, chubby janitor is easy prey in a high school, but it never stops her from being incredibly positive about everything. I always try to be nice to her. As Beth once said, it seems like the least a person can do is be nice to the people who really deserve it. It's being nice to the questionable ones that's hard.

“You need help?” Chester asked. “I have lots to do, but I don't mind helping.” Something about her being so kind made me want to throw myself into her arms and let her tell me everything was going to be fine. Then I could add “freaking out the school janitor” to the list of things I'd screwed up.

“No, thanks. I just need you to let me into the equipment room, if you don't mind.”

“Okey-dokey.” She pulled her elastic key ring from her belt and let it snap back before walking over to unlock the storage room.

I pulled an old towel off the hook and started to dry the balls off. Having a mindless task to focus on helped me calm my racing thoughts, until I realized I was giving each ball six wipes. When I was stressed I tended to fall into these patterns. I'd have to do everything six times or in a certain order. If I didn't, I'd get more anxious and have to start all over again.

I made myself stop and take a deep breath. My hands were shaking. Chester patted me on the back.

“You sad 'cause your friend is gone?” Her face wrinkled up in concern.

I dropped a ball and picked it back up. “What do you know about Beth?” I said.

Chester blushed and looked away. “I know you're special friends.”

I watched her carefully, trying to figure out what she meant, or if she meant anything at all. Had she seen us together? Noticed the spark between the two of us? Sometimes when I walked down the hall with Beth it seemed like everyone must be able to tell that we were falling in love. That neon hearts floated above us and trailed in our wake like bubbles in a cartoon. Of course, maybe all Chester had seen was me mooning over Beth in a delusional love cloud. “Yep, I miss her,” I said, my voice catching in my throat. I put the dry ball in the rack.

“Maybe she went down the rabbit hole,” Chester said.

I stared at her. Rabbit hole? “Where did you hear that?”

Chester shrugged and pushed her mop and bucket toward the bathroom. “Dunno. Something she said once.”

I felt a stab of jealousy. I hated that Beth had shared her love for
Alice
with anyone else. I hated that she'd asked me to disappear with her and instead of just saying yes, I'd given her every reason why I couldn't. If I'd said the right thing maybe she would still be here, or have taken me with
her, or at the very least told me where she'd gone.

I shivered as I watched Chester walk away. I was still wet from the rain, and grass was stuck to my calves. With my luck I'd get sick and die before Beth came back, or bothered to send me a text. I tossed the remaining balls into the rack. I didn't care if they were wiped down anymore. I reminded myself that doing something any particular way wasn't making things better, or safer, it was just an obsession. A stupid obsession. It did nothing but waste my time.

The last ball hit the metal rack and knocked a spider onto my arm. The spider skittered across my sleeve.

I stumbled out of the equipment room, shaking my arm and spinning around, trying to get it off me. I whirled into Zach.

“Interpretive dance!” Zach called out. His shoes squeaked on the wood floor as he jerked around, copying my moves.

“There's a spider on me.” I whipped around and saw something dark move up my shoulder. “Oh god, don't let it get in my hair.”

“Hold still,” Zach said. I froze. Zach moved behind me and lightly brushed my back.

“Did you get it?” My heart started to slow down. Zach could always calm me. He's like Valium in a sweatshirt that smells like clean laundry mixed with cedar trees.

Zach showed me his cupped hands. “Got him.” He opened his hands slightly so he could peek inside. “Good
thing I was here. He looks like a killer.”

I shuddered. “Why are you holding him?”

“If I leave him on the floor, he'll get squished.” Zach loped over to put his new eight-legged bestie down under the bleachers. He brushed his hands off on his jeans and held them up for me. “Look, no spider cooties.”

“Thanks.” I shivered again and Zach yanked off his hoodie and wrapped it around me, pulling me into a hug. I let myself melt into him. His hoodie was still warm, like he'd just pulled it out of the dryer. Zach was always warm.

“I went to watch your scrimmage, but Brit said you were in here.”

I wondered if she had told him I'd nearly decapitated Amy Chan. Zach wasn't an athlete and couldn't care less how I played, but I still didn't want anyone to know. Field hockey was one of the few things that I knew I did really well. At least, I used to do it well. “I couldn't focus on the game. I keep thinking about Beth.”

He wrapped his arms tighter around me. I pressed my lips together, afraid I might spill everything. I needed him to comfort me, even though it was totally unfair.

“It'll turn out okay. She'll come home when she's ready,” Zach said.

“So in the meantime I'm not allowed to be sad?” I snapped. No one got it. They didn't know what had really happened: she'd left me. “Everyone needs to stop telling me to chill out.”

Zach took a step back at my harsh tone. I winced.

“Sorry,” I said. I opened my mouth to try to explain, but I couldn't. Not without crushing him too.

Zach kissed me gently. “It's okay. Of course you're worried. I love that you're such a good friend.”

Shame flooded through me. Zach was one of the best people on the planet. The guy saved spiders, for crying out loud. He didn't deserve my lies. I didn't deserve him.

“Hey, come here.” Zach pulled me close again. “This sucks. I'm sorry. But I'm sure you'll hear from her soon.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled. I tilted my face up to kiss him. I meant it to be a quick kiss, but it turned into something else. Hotter. Needier. I pressed against him, wanting his warmth to touch every part of me. I felt Zach respond and Beth's face flashed in my brain. I pulled back quickly. A couple freshmen coming out of the boys' locker room whistled.