Vanished (2 page)

“Nice pup.” Beth flopped on my bed and tossed my stuffed dog in the air, catching him.

I fought the urge to grab Roogs from her and chuck him into the closet and out of sight. “I don't even know why I still have that thing,” I said, trying to laugh him off. His worn brown fuzz suddenly looked less well loved and more grungy and pathetic.

Beth held Roogs close to her face. “Aw, he's a cutie. I like him.” She kissed him where his nose used to be and I felt a ridiculous flash of jealousy for my own stuffed animal. “You're going to hurt his feelings.” Beth made a pout.

I sighed. I'd betrayed my trusty stuffed dog and misjudged completely how Beth would feel about him. There
were times when I was so certain that I knew Beth better than I even knew myself, and other times when I felt like I didn't know her at all. We were still so new together. I almost wanted to fast-forward to the time when we would know everything about each other already. I wanted more inside jokes and shared history. Nothing felt better than those moments when we'd look at each other and start laughing because we knew what the other was thinking. “Do you still have any stuffed animals from when you were a kid?” I asked. I didn't remember seeing any in her room.

“Used to. My mom decided one day that it was time for me to grow up and stop acting like a kid. She bagged up a bunch of things while I was at school and chucked them. Even my favorite that I'd had forever, this stuffed giraffe named Max.”

The unfairness of it made me suck in a breath.

Beth laughed at my expression. “It's not that bad. I mean, she's right: at some point you have to leave that stuff behind. You can't stay a kid forever. Except my brother, of course, but since he's dead, he traded life for being eternally thought of as young, so he gets a pass.”

I never knew what to say when Beth brought up her brother. He'd died six years ago and as far as I could tell her family had been pretty screwed up since then. “It still sucks she threw away your stuff without even asking,” I said. “Especially Max.”

“What gets me, even though it's totally stupid because
they were stuffed animals, is that I didn't get to say good-bye. What's the term? I didn't have
closure
. I knew I'd get rid of them someday, but I wanted to pass them on or something. It's dumb because not even some Salvation Army kid was going to want my giraffe. Max was well past his sell-by date.”

“But Max still deserved better,” I said.

Beth stopped tossing Roogs in the air and looked straight at me. “Exactly.” I flushed, feeling the snap of our connection. She scootched over to make room for me on the bed. My heart skipped a beat.

I sat down, but my butt was so close to the edge that I slid off the comforter and thumped onto the floor.

Beth looked over the side. “Are you okay?”

“I meant to do that,” I said, scrambling back up. If it had been anyone else I would have been mortified, but with her even when I did something stupid it felt okay. Like being safe at home.

I lay down next to her and listened to her talk about field hockey and how she thought I could lead our team all the way to the championships next year. I knew she wanted to pump me up for the idea, but I had a hard time imagining what next year would be like when both she and Britney would be gone. Whenever I even thought about it, it felt like the floor was disappearing out from under me and I was going into free fall.

“You must be excited to play for Ohio State,” I said. It
seemed safer to say this than to ask how often I would see her. I wouldn't mind making the seven-hour drive, but she might not want me hanging around a lot once she was in college.

Beth shrugged. “Sure. If it works out.”

“Why wouldn't it? You got the scholarship.” I didn't look at her face. Our arms were almost touching. If I lifted my pinky finger just slightly it would brush against hers. I wanted to touch her, but even more, I wanted her to reach over to touch me first.

“Yeah, but I'll still need money to cover room and board, and books and—” Her breath blew out in a rush. “And everything else.”

“Oh.” I hated how my voice came out flat. I hadn't even thought about all the extra costs. It made me feel young and stupid. The fact that her parents weren't going to help went unsaid. “Maybe there's some other kind of grant you could apply for.”

“I wish it were that easy.” She lifted Roogs's ears. “Never fear, if it doesn't work out I can always go full-time at the diner. It's been my lifelong dream to spend my career asking people if they want a top-off on their coffee or another slice of Maureen's awful pie.”

I didn't say anything. Everything I could think of seemed like bullshit. I wanted to have something real to offer her.

“Things are so messed up,” she said after a beat. “I used to think I had it all figured out, but I'm not sure anymore.
Sometimes I don't even know what I should do next.”

“Dharma,” I said without thinking.

“What?”

I flushed. “It's what my grandma would say.
Dharma
means that the universe will work itself out, like cosmic order, if you do the right thing.”

“What if you don't know what the right thing is anymore?”

I paused, hearing the echo of Britney's rant. She was so, so wrong about Beth.

“Ask me, maybe I can help,” I said.

Beth opened her mouth, but then shut it. I waited. “You ever want to disappear?” Beth said after a while, her words in Roogs's ear, as if she were asking him instead of me.

“Like, put on an invisibility cloak?” I tried to joke. She didn't laugh.

“No, like disappearing. Taking off. Not worrying about anyone else, but just breaking free. Flying away to where no one knows you. Leaving the bullshit behind and starting over.”

“I'd miss you if you left,” I said. I meant for it to come out lightly, but it didn't.

Beth propped herself up on her elbow. “Come with me.”

“What?” I was so shocked that I swallowed the saliva in my mouth the wrong way and started coughing. My own body fluids were turning on me. I got it under control. “You want me to come? Do you—I mean, are we . . .” I tried to form
words my brain hadn't even come up with yet to explain what was happening between us. “My parents would never let me.” As the words came out I wanted to push them back in. I didn't have permission from my mommy and daddy to run away? Next I'd be asking her if it was okay if I packed Roogs and a night-light. “I mean, they would freak out. And there's your scholarship. . . .”

Beth tapped me on the nose and flopped back down on the bed. The spell was broken.

“Chill, Kalah. I wasn't really asking you to grab your suitcase and bust out the piggy bank so we could hit the road. Just daydreaming out loud, no big deal.” Her voice had closed back down. She was back to being Public Beth, Northside High's Favorite Girl. Popular, Pretty, and Impossible to Know. I'd blown it. “You have to learn not to take me seriously,” she said.

“But I do take you seriously,” I said softly.

Beth rolled over quickly, pinning me down. The heat of her body pressed into mine. Her hair fell to either side of my face, making a tent that contained just the two of us. My heart stuttered in my chest.

Beth stared into my eyes with an intensity that matched everything I felt. She slowly lowered her face until her mouth floated above mine, her breath brushing my lips. She pressed her mouth to mine. My mind went completely blank, everything whiting out as if I'd stared directly into a flash.

I was so consumed by the kiss I didn't even register for a second that it had stopped. By the time my brain caught up, Beth was already standing and pulling on her fleece. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and sat up quickly. I felt light-headed.

It was always like this with her. Hot and cold. Kisses and then confusion. It had been weeks since our first kiss, and despite everything we'd done and what we felt for each other, I still didn't even know what it was that we were doing. Or if she thought we were doing anything. Maybe she was just fooling around. I didn't believe that, though. Beth had a reputation for collecting hearts left and right while never falling in love herself, but things between us were different. I was sure of it.

Maybe Beth was waiting for me to say what I wanted from the relationship. Maybe she thought I was the one who was just playing around. After all, I had a boyfriend. Maybe that was what she'd meant when she said things were messed up.

“You don't have to go,” I said. My brain was spinning in all directions. It felt like I'd just gotten off the Tilt-A-Whirl. “We could talk.”

“But I do.” She grabbed her bag off the floor. “I picked up a shift at the diner tonight,” she explained. Beth bent over and scooped Roogs from the floor where he'd fallen. She tossed him to me. I didn't react fast enough and he bounced off my face and into my lap. “See, there are some benefits to
keeping him around,” Beth said. “It means you'll never be alone.” She fished through her bag and pulled out her copy of
Alice in Wonderland
. “Here, you can borrow this. It's like letting you into my head. Now you won't have to miss me when I'm gone.” She kissed the tip of my nose and left.

Friday night I tried on at least sixteen different outfits
before I finally decided on what to wear for Beth's birthday. I wanted to look hot but not desperate, sexy but not slutty. What I needed was Britney's closet. She always seemed to find that perfect balance. It was one of her superpowers. Whatever she wore always looked flawless.

Even with all the outfit changes I was still ready long before it was time for Britney and Beth to arrive, but now they were almost thirty minutes late and I was starting to rethink my outfit all over again. I heard a car turn down our street and shot over to the window, but it wasn't them. I tapped the side of the window six times for luck, but the next car wasn't theirs either.

I considered waiting downstairs, but my mom was down there reading. I didn't feel up to tolerating her silent judgment. She would never say anything, but I could tell she wasn't crazy about Brit and Beth. I didn't know if she didn't like that they were seniors, a year above me, or if it was because they were popular, or if she could tell on some level that I was different since we'd started hanging out. Or maybe she was just still protective of me because of everything that had happened at my old school. But that had been years ago, and Beth and Brit were nothing like other girls. She didn't need to be wary of them.

What I couldn't explain to Mom was that it was impossible for me not to be different now. Being let into Brit and Beth's circle had been like discovering a portal to Narnia in the back of the closet. Once you know the world is a magical place, you can't unknow it.

I truly didn't care about popularity—if anything, I'd been avoiding it ever since I transferred to Northside—but I was still flattered when the Bs turned their attention to me. To my surprise, some of their sparkle seemed to rub off on me. I was still myself, but a better, funnier, sharper version. I could feel myself transforming. People noticed me when I was with them. At first I wasn't sure I liked the attention, but then it became addictive.

And that was even before Beth and I got so close. Having Beth in my life was like putting together the border of a puzzle. The whole picture isn't complete, but you get
a sense of what it will be, and the confidence that you'll figure out the rest. The first time she kissed me it felt like things clicked, like
we
clicked, two pieces fitting together perfectly.

Still, I didn't know what to make of what was happening between us. To be honest, I wasn't even sure what I wanted it to be. I felt cautious. I'd seen enough people fall head over heels with Beth only to have her spin off in another direction. Commitment wasn't exactly her thing. And I'd never liked a girl before. Even the idea of it made me uneasy. Plus, there was Zach. We'd been together for almost a year, and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Our relationship wasn't electric—more like summer heat, warm and safe. Necessary. The idea of hurting him or losing him made me feel sick. But there was just something about Beth. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Part of me knew I should end it with her, but I couldn't.

Last night I'd decided I couldn't keep the two versions of my life in motion, one public and one private. At first it had felt intimate and intense, keeping the secret of us, but now I was tired of the sneaking and the lies. Too many things were going unspoken, including between the two of us. Beth had given me the chance yesterday to say what I wanted and I'd missed my opportunity. I wouldn't make the same mistake tonight.

Besides Zach, the person it would most probably be hardest on was Britney. I knew she'd be supportive,
especially once she saw how good we were together, but it would definitely be weird for her, having her two best friends become a couple. It would change everything in our group, but things had already changed. Britney might feel awkward about it, but it wouldn't be nearly as bad as if Britney found out that we'd kept everything hidden from her.

I bounced on the balls of my feet. Now that I'd decided to tell Beth how I felt, I wanted to do it immediately. The waiting was killing me. I'd wanted to talk to her at school, but I barely saw her in the morning and she'd skipped out at lunch. It was just as well—even I knew school wasn't the place to have a romantic conversation. Maybe Beth would drop Brit off first after dinner and we'd have some time on our own. My stomach spun itself in a circle at the thought.

I picked up Beth's copy of
Alice in Wonderland
and flipped through it, trying to distract myself. My phone buzzed and I dove over the bed to pick it up. I didn't have a chance to say anything before Britney started talking.

“You will never guess who's bailing on tonight.” Her voice was sharp.

I felt the bubble of excitement that had been in my chest all day pop. “Wait, what?” I said. “What happened?”

“Who knows? Maybe she's getting laid, or she got a better offer, or she randomly decided to stay home and do nothing. I'm sick of trying to understand that girl. All I know is she canceled.”

“But we've been planning this all week,” I said, hating how whiny my voice was. “It's her birthday.”

Britney sounded suddenly exhausted. “Listen, Kalah, I don't know what you want me to say. You're a sweetie, but you have to get used to the idea that you can't count on Beth.”

“That's not true.” I shoved a pile of clothing onto the floor and plopped down on the bed. Beth was spontaneous and hard to understand, but not flaky.

Britney sniffed. “Well, excuse me, I'm sure you know better. I've only been her best friend since junior high. It's great that you've got her all figured out in the six months we've been hanging out.”

I winced. “That's not what I meant.” Upsetting Britney was not going to make this better. “What did Beth say?”

“She didn't say anything. She texted that she's not coming. Just between you and me, I'm done with it. You'd never see me letting her or you down, but Beth feels she's above the rest of us.”

I was only half listening to Britney's rant. I wasn't surprised that she sounded so furious. Britney had almost a military precision to everything she did, and god help you if you upset her carefully laid plans. But something was going on between the two of them, well beyond tonight's dinner falling through. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I wondered if it could have anything to do with the secret Beth was keeping—the secret about her and me. Maybe Brit could sense that Beth was holding back something
important, and it was causing more strain between them. Hopefully, things would get better once it was all out in the open.

“You guys can't be mad at each other,” I said, less because I was worried and more because I knew it was what I was expected to say. It was my part in the drama.

“Whatever,” Britney said. “Anyway, I thought I better let you know so we both weren't sitting around waiting for her highness.”

I could hear the disappointment in her voice. “We could still go,” I said. She and I had never hung out alone, but it seemed I should offer.

Britney paused. “Not tonight. To be honest, I'm not feeling that great. Some other time, though, okay?”

“Sure,” I said. “Talk soon.”

I clicked off the phone with Britney. A shiver of hope ran up my spine. Maybe Beth had ditched Brit but still planned to get together with me. Just the two of us. If she didn't want to see me, wouldn't she have let me know that she was bailing?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I glanced at my screen. There were no alerts.

I chewed the inside of my cheek. Maybe Beth and her mom had had another fight. I fired off a text.

U ok? Want to talk?

I stared at the phone, willing her to text me back right away, but she didn't.

I shouldn't call. If she wanted to reach me she could. She had my number. I bounced the phone in my hand for a beat.

I hit
CALL
, holding my breath. It rang and rang. When the line clicked, a jolt ran through me, anticipating her voice, but it was just her voice mail picking up.

“You've reached Beth. I'm off believing in the impossible, so leave a message.”

When the phone beeped I didn't know what to say. I'd already sent a text. At this rate, I was going to start looking like a stalker. I hung up quickly and flopped back on the bed. My number was going to show up on her screen. Why couldn't I have just left a message like a normal person? I wanted to call back and explain, but that would make me look even more insane.

A few minutes later, my phone rang and I shot straight up, fumbling to find it. I fished through a pile of shirts and tank tops until it was in my hand.

“I'm so glad you called,” I said, the words rushing out.

“Of course you are. I'm irresistible.”

The hope whooshed out of me. It wasn't Beth; it was my boyfriend, Zach.

“Irresistible, huh? You think pretty highly of yourself,” I teased. I pushed away a stab of guilt that I hadn't wanted it to be him on the phone. Pushing away guilt about Zach was a pretty regular thing for me these days. I was practically a pro. Another reason I needed to sort out what was
happening with Beth. What I was doing to him was horrible and he didn't deserve it.

“I'd never say something like that about myself,” he said. “I'm too humble. That's just what I hear.”

I played along. “You hear that from the voices in your head?”

“Nah. It's the hordes of women who follow me around. I tell you, I'm like a one-man boy band. I have to beat them off with a stick. However, despite the legions of women who would gladly sacrifice a kidney to have me merely glance in their direction, I'm happy that you're glad I called.”

“I thought you were Beth,” I confessed.

Zach let out a groan, like I'd punched him in the nuts. “Wounded! Man down.”

“I would never hurt you on purpose,” I said, sounding more serious than I'd meant to. But it was true. The problem was that when I was with Zach it also felt right—not the same as with Beth, but there was a part of me that was a fit with Zach. It would be easier if I could split myself in two.

“No worries, I'll be all right. Just a flesh wound,” Zach said. “I'm happy I caught you before you headed out. I wanted to hear your voice.”

I couldn't bring myself to say it, but it was good to hear his too. Zach would never no-show on me when we had plans. He was rock steady. I felt a fresh stab of guilt, this time for thinking badly of Beth. I couldn't win. “Beth
bailed,” I explained. “Our plans are canceled.”

Zach hesitated. “This is where I'm supposed to say, ‘that's terrible,' but to tell you the truth, all I'm thinking is maybe you'll want to save me from a fate worse than death.” I heard Zach's sister, Maddy, yell something in the background. “Ow! No hitting,” he said.

“Are you getting beat up by an eleven-year-old?” I asked.

“Who knew when someone says ‘You hit like a girl' they mean you give a ninja-like ass-kicking? Clearly, what I meant to say is that I would love to invite you to share the joy that is spending Friday night hanging out with me and my little sister, watching movies.” There was another mumble in the background. “I'm also instructed to add that she doesn't need a babysitter, no matter what our parents say.”

“I suspect your parents think she's babysitting you,” I said.

“I'm retracting my invitation if the two of you are going to gang up on me.”

“I'll be over in a few minutes. Try and behave for Maddy until I get there.”

We hung up and I stood still holding the phone, just waiting for Beth to call. Isn't that the way it always happens? As soon as you make a new plan, the other person finally calls. I watched the clock on my dresser click over two more minutes. Apparently Beth didn't know that rule.

I'd been so sure she would call. I wanted to kick something in frustration. I'd finally worked myself up to talk to
her and now it wasn't going to happen.

I guessed I should be grateful that she was sparing me the humiliation.

My eyes popped
open far too early for a Saturday. It took me a second to realize what had woken me up. My phone gave another buzz from where I'd dropped it on the floor after getting back from Zach's the night before.

Beth
. My chest fluttered with hope. I reminded myself that I was supposed to be annoyed with her for ditching me. I reached down and picked up the phone, mentally crossing my fingers for luck.

The texts were from Zach. My heart hit the ground with a thunk.

Good Morning, Beautiful
.

And,

Is it wrong I miss you already?

I sighed and tapped a quick reply.
Yes. But I like you anyway
. My fingers hovered over the keyboard. It felt like I should add something flirtatious, or at least acknowledge that we'd spent hours making out on the sofa after his sister went to bed. But I just couldn't do it. I hit
SEND
.