Vicious Circles (25 page)

I nodded and gave Lynn a hug goodbye.

***

Dear Mason,
 

The moon was full last night and as much as I wanted to ignore the thought of you, I couldn’t. The pain in my chest was the same but I didn’t have the urge to run away from it like I did before. Maybe I’m getting better. Everyone says I look amazing and some days I feel amazing but it’s so hard to believe them. There is no way I deserved a second chance after what I put you and everyone else through, but I got one anyway. I’m still here.
 

I weighed myself this morning and I’ve gained ten pounds. Lynn bought me some new clothes and hung them in my closet at the house so they would be there when I got home. Chris brought me an ID bracelet with my name engraved on the top side. I think I’ll have my release date engraved on the underside.
 

Fallyn

***

Mason,
 

Today was the worst so far. I survived the withdrawal and the constant inner struggle, but those things are nothing compared to the knot in my stomach when I signed onto the internet for the first time in two and a half months. I saw your name and I clicked the link without thinking the decision through the whole way. I’d never seen the picture before. We looked tired and I looked sick. You looked sick. It opened my eyes.
 

Love,
 

Fallyn

***

“How are you feeling today?” my Doctor questioned me as I sat in his overstuffed arm chair.
 

“I am really good today.” I smiled, despite myself. It felt foreign to me still; to smile and actually have my feelings on the inside match.
 

“No more night terrors?” He scrawled noisily on my chart after every answer.
 

I drew my bare feet up under me. “I haven’t had one in three weeks. Can I ask you a question, Dr. Long?”
 

He shifted behind his desk before dropping his very expensive pen back into his pocket. “Of course, Fallyn.”
 

“I feel different today…I…I don’t know how to explain it but I feel lighter somehow.” I stood and paced a little. “You see, I’ve never felt so unrestrained before and it’s truly frightening.”
 

The Doctor stood and strode around to meet me. He placed a calm hand on my shoulder and smiled. “Fallyn, you have a remarkable mind. You, my dear will be just fine and in my line of work…I’m thrilled to say that I’ll probably never see you again.”
 

I laughed. “That’s a damn good compliment.”
 

“That should be enough for today then,” he said returning to his seat at the desk.
 

I waved and left his office with a slight bounce in my step. My meetings were becoming easier and easier. I said whatever was on my mind and I didn’t ever feel the need to censor myself. I’d beaten the night terrors which rode my shoulder like a demon all fucking day long. I lived knowing that they could come back at any time but, if they did, I would be ready for them.

***

Mom,
 

I didn’t get to say goodbye. I lost you as a mother so long ago and then I lost myself. It doesn’t really feel like you’re gone because I’d given up on you loving me. Do you know I walked the same path as you and London? The drugs pulled me down until I wasn’t even a person anymore. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ll always blame you for that deep down.
 I’ll always blame you for taking my sister from me except I can live with that now.
 

You were good to me once and that is how I think about you now. You pushed me on the swing in the park near our house at least once a week. You made the best homemade ice cream on our front porch. Those things were misplaced in all my hate for you, Mom. I’m letting the hate go today.
 

RIP,
 

Your daughter…

***

London,
 

We were best friends, you know? I didn’t know what to do when you died. I won’t ever forget the way you looked at me that day. For so long I saw it every time I closed my eyes. I knew you were out of control. I knew that things were very, very fucked up and I didn’t do anything. I pretended it was fine. Even now I have a very hard time thinking of your face the day you lost your battle to drugs.
 

They say everyone has a rock bottom and I know what mine was. I looked in the mirror the day Mason found me half dead on the floor of that house and saw you. My reflection was yours.
 

I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without you. I’m still grieving for you and that may never stop.
 

I love you.

***

I stood and walked to the front of the room. I hadn’t been in front of such a large group of people in a long time, but I felt ready. I scanned the crowd and recognized the usual faces: Lynn and Chris. They’d both been such a support system for me. I would thank them the best way I knew how. I’d stay clean and move on with my life.
 

When I reached the front of the room, I stopped and cleared my throat.
 

“So, I’m
breakin’ out of this joint tomorrow.”
 

There was a slight chuckle throughout the small room.
 

“My name is Fallyn Michaels and I’m an addict. I’ve spent countless hours sabotaging my life even though I had what most people wanted.” I paused as Mason’s face entered my mind. “I’ll never stop thinking about taking the easy way out. There will always be temptations and this fight…well, I’m fighting it for life but there’s something different about me now.”
 

Lynn and I locked eyes. She was doing her best not to cry.
 

“I know who I am and I like the person I found hiding inside. I’m caring and intelligent. I’m a really good actress and I make damn good sugar cookies.”
 

I looked down at my hands as they trembled. My lip followed and I cried. “I slept in homeless shelters and against dumpsters in Hollywood. I hopped from house to house and let myself slip away. Then…I met someone, and he was so good to me. He turned my life upside down and damn if he didn’t try to fix what was broken. I broke him in the process.”
 

I wiped the tears from my cheeks and stood a little straighter.
 

“Tomorrow is going to be a better day and I’m ready to get back to life.”

***

Dear Mason,
 

Tomorrow I leave rehab for good. It’s been three long months and I’m ready to learn to live all over again. I can’t say that I don’t miss you still, but as long as you’re out there somewhere happy, I will be OK. No one had ever loved me the way you loved me and for that I thank you.

Everyone said, you weren’t that type…that you couldn’t fall in love, but you did and it was with me. With me, the broken girl from Pensacola with no home and no hope.
 

We may cross paths one day and I’m ready for that. I’m also getting used to the idea of never seeing you again. Either way, you were in my life when it counted and I’m alive today because of you. I forgive you for leaving and maybe one day you’ll forgive me for everything that happened between us.
 

I know you’ll never see any of these letters but just knowing that they exist makes me smile.

These random pieces of paper know exactly how I feel about you. They’ve been along this journey with me.
 

So, be happy. That’s what is important, after all.
 

I will always love you,
 

Fallyn
 

Chapter 23

It took all of my strength to live in that damned house. Of course, day after day it started to feel like home until I opened the closet and pulled out the painting of the crying girl. She represented who I was and who I never wanted to be again, so I hung her over my bed.
 

June
2010
 

The early morning sun beat down on my
bare arms and legs. I stretched my limbs before falling into the closest chaise lounge. It was my first day off in weeks and I couldn’t wait to do absolutely nothing. I kept weekly appointments with my therapist which kept me sane, if I were to be honest. I’d developed the habit of keeping myself super busy to keep the thoughts of using away. It worked, except I was tired as shit all the time.
 

Mason hadn’t called, emailed,
sent a smoke signal…nothing. I missed him so much and my heart ached at night when I laid in bed alone. Lynn and I had gathered everything that reminded me of him that would fit in a scrapbook and had craft hour. I looked at it often. Mason Jennings was harder to get over than my drug addiction.
 

“Good morning!” Chris called from the front of the house.
 

“I’m out here on the deck.”
 

He strolled through the sliding doors in a pair of shorts and a salmon pink polo. I waved at him from my chair. “Sorry if I don’t get up. This is my lazy day.”
 

“
How’s things?” He asked and took a seat at the end of my lounge chair.
 

“Fabulous,
dahling.” I waved my arm around in an exaggerated way. “The sun is bright and the stars are tanning here in Malibu.”
 

Chris laughed. “Let’s go get some lunch.”
 

“Mr.
Lennon, it’s not lunch time yet.”
 

“Then let’s get some brunch.”
 

He
grinned a toothy grin and I gave him the finger. “Last time we went out, they accused us of having sex. Your girlfriend and I had a good laugh over that one.”
 

“Well, I’m headed to Hollywood anyway. We’ll stand in line for Pink’s if you want.” Chris stood and pulled his sunglasses down over his eyes.
 

“Hot dogs?
Really?”
 

“
Don’t talk shit about Pink’s, Fallyn. I’ll wait in the car for you.”
 

“Way to let me make my own decision,” I yelled as he walked away. I heard his laughter as he closed the front door. “Make me stand in line for a
stinkin’ hot dog…” I mumbled as I jogged up the stairs to change.
 

I always gave him a hard time, but the truth was Chris had stepped up big time in my life. We’d gone from barely knowing one another to really good friends in a matter of months. It was a platonic relationship, of course.
 

I threw on the first outfit I came to in the closet and hopped back down the stairs with one shoe in my hand. Chris waited patiently with the engine running as I set the alarm and locked the front door.
 

“How are things on set since you got out?” Chris asked as he pulled off down my street.
 

“Christ, Chris…you make it sound like I was in jail.”
 

He laughed and turned onto Pacific Coast Highway. “Hey, some people see it like that. Either way, you didn’t answer my question.”