Vicious Circles (26 page)

I sighed and let my right hand float in the breeze the speed of his car was creating. “There is always that little voice in the back of my head telling me to drown my sorrows, but I feel good. Work is going great.”
 

Chris glanced at me over the top of his sunglasses. “But…”
 

“I’m not so sure I really want to stay with acting. It pays the mortgage on the house but it’s the part of me that disappeared with Mason.”
 

“Hey,” he said tapping the steering wheel to the song on the radio, “you are free of all that shit that was dragging you down. I say do whatever makes you happy.”
 

“Yeah,” I said, concentrating on the ocean as we passed it in a blur.

***

I hadn’t been out and about much since my discharge from
rehab and for good reason. Photographers followed me for a week straight afterwards until they realized Mason was nowhere to be seen. Then, the couple of times I’d been brave enough to go out with Lynn or Chris those bastards descended like wolves. Honestly, I could deal with the cameras in my face. It was the mentions of Mason and our split that caused me pain.
 

Chris pulled up in front of Pink’s and I eyed the huge line wearily. “Chris, I am not melting in this heat for a hot dog. This is my only day off.”
 

“You are absolutely no fun, Fallyn.” He put the car in drive and turned the corner. “We’ll go sit and eat.”
 

I smiled, happy about getting my way. We rode silently to the small café that Lynn and I frequented so often. They had the best French toast and it was also the place Mason and I had lunch together for the very first time. Chris threw his arm around me and propelled me toward the entrance. The valet sped off in his car and it was a damn good thing. Sitting across the patio was Dave and Mason. Dave and I had noticed one another almost immediately but Mason had yet to see me.
 Chris was oblivious and headed into the restaurant.
 

The sun was shining on his hair, which he’d cut since I’d seen him last. It felt like my chest was caving in on itself and I wondered if I was really strong enough. I wanted to run away.
 

Dave, being the super polite guy I knew him to be stood and walked over right away. He grabbed me and pulled me to him before I could object. When he let go, my eyes met Mason’s and the world stopped. There was no question at all…I was not over him. I expected the tears to start but instead rage balled up in my stomach. Chris reappeared from God knows where just as I stalked across the small patio and right up to Mason.
 

“What happened to you?” I asked in the nicest voice I could muster. I didn’t want to be angry, but I was.
 

“I…” He faltered and was at a loss for what to say. It was clear that he was shocked to see me. He did the thing where he opened and closed his mouth a few times. “It was just better this way.”
 

I took a deep breath and pushed him backwards with all the strength I had. He stumbled backwards and caught himself on the railing that surrounded the small patio. Chris and Dave had moved forward in a half assed attempt to stop me, but I suspect they were only keeping up appearance.
 

“You left me when I needed you the most. You
left
me. I laid in a hospital bed for days waiting for you. I cried myself fucking silly for months over
you
.”
 

“Fallyn, I-“
 

“No,” I said pointing an index finger at him. “You don’t get to talk, it’s my turn. I loved you…I love you.”
 

“Maybe we should go,” Chris stated before grabbing me by the elbow.
 

Mason glared at him. “Let her talk.”
 

I shook out of Chris’s grip. “You don’t bail on the people you love, Mason. You stand beside them and help shoulder whatever it is they’re going through.”
 

He flexed his hands in and out of a fist. “Don’t you think I wanted to stay? I fucking wanted to be there but I couldn’t.”
 

I looked at him in disbelief and realized I was getting nowhere with him. “Well, have a nice life Mason.” I turned and pushed through that wall that was Dave and Chris. I ignored the small audience that had gathered and exited the restaurant.
 

There was a searing pain in my chest but the adrenaline that was coursing through my body was keeping the hurt at bay. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry until I passed out. I wanted to down pills with Vodka and sleep until the memory of his face was erased from my mind. I half ran down the sidewalk not caring about anyone or anything. I could hear Chris coming up the concrete behind me so I crossed the road and started walking in the opposite side. He gave up his pursuit when I hailed a cab.
 

I kept replaying the scene over and over in my mind. He looked so good and I was pissed because he looked better than I’d ever seen him look. Maybe he was better off without me after all. The thought made me sick and more than ever I wanted to make it all go away. It would only take me ten minutes to find Tony and buy something off of him to make me happy again.
 

When the taxi dropped me off, I threw him some cash and ran into my house. I dropped all of my shit on the floor by the front door.
 

“Deep breaths.
Deep breaths.” I chanted the words over and over to myself.
 

My skin was on fire and I could feel sweat forming on my face as I made my way into the master bathroom. I splashed some water on my face. When that didn’t help, I turned the shower on and got in, clothes and all.

***

July 2010
 

Life had been much harder since getting clean. I expected it to be vastly different, but I didn’t expect everything to be twice as hard as before. I had to work extra hard on my lines and keeping up with normal things sometimes proved too much.
 

“I think this was a really good idea,” Lynn informed me as she walked through the glass doors at the back of my house. “Everyone loves a good Fourth of July party.”
 

“You seem to have forgotten what happened last time I had a party, Lynn.” I poked the charcoal in my grill and frowned. “I have never cooked on a grill before.”
 

“Move.”
She pushed me out of the way with her hip.
 

“Hey, watch it.” I handed her the tongs. “Fine you be meat master. I’ll make lemonade.”
 

“Meat master?
Really?” She giggled.
 

I laughed to myself and made my way inside to do something that didn’t require using fire and metal utensils. I’d recently mastered the art of lemonade so I grabbed what I needed for the job and got to work. My mind wandered, as it did in those days. It had been a month since the confrontation with Mason in Hollywood. He never called to apologize though Dave sent me a text. Chris felt like shit about the whole thing, but it wasn’t his fault.
 

“Hey you,” Chris announced his presence. He kissed me quickly on the top of my head on his way through my kitchen and his girlfriend waved,
then kept right on walking.
 

“Yeah, yeah.
I’ll make the lemonade by hand. Keep on walking! Slackers.”
 

In my mind, a party meant lots of people, but in Lynn’s mind it meant a small gathering of people who wouldn’t mind not drinking on such
a booze driven holiday. Of course, Lynn was my miracle worker and she made shit happen. One by one I watched my backyard fill with people I knew and some that I didn’t. I made myself available to each and every one of my guests like a good little host. The more I mingled the less I thought about the things that had been haunting me for months. The pull between my head and my heart for Mason was still there but muted by the fact that I wouldn’t allow myself to go under for a man. Not many people got second chances after the things that I’d done to myself and those around me. Hell, my sister never took another breath.
 

It hit me that night as I watched the fireworks, tucked under Lynn’s right arm; I was in control of my life for once. I looked at Chris, who was wrapped around his girlfriend and back to Lynn who looked back at me questioningly.
 

“You OK?”
 

I turned my head back to the colors exploding in the sky but I still answered. “I’m fantastic.”
She smiled and I smiled. We broke into giggles that couldn’t be heard over the fireworks.
 

“I think we’ll all be just fine,” Lynn said trying to calm her laughter.
 

Someone tossed a random noise maker at our feet and Lynn squealed in response. She ran off looking for the culprit leaving me to admire the night sky alone.
 

Eventually, people started to disperse. I suspected that they were off to a place that wasn’t dry as a bone, but I couldn’t really blame them. I thanked everyone, shocked at my sweet host skills.

Lynn tried to stay and help clean but I forced her to leave. She walked out with Chris’s girlfriend still complaining about not being able to help. Chris was hugging me goodbye when Dave stepped through the front door that I was holding open.
 

“Hey man,” he gave Chris a wave and smiled at me. He stood, twisting his feet back and forth like he was nervous.
 

“Well, I’m headed into the night. Who knows where it might lead me.” Chris hugged me, kissed my forehead and left.
 

“So, I know I wasn’t invited-“
 

“Dave, you’re always welcome…you know that.” I interrupted him.
 

He grinned and shoved both hands in the pockets of his sweat jacket. “Listen, I want to talk to you about Mason. I…I know this is none of my business but I’ve watched him mope around for fucking months.”
 

“I don’t want you to be mixed up in all of this.” I sighed and leaned against the door that I had yet to close.
 

“I know, I know. It’s just he had some fucked up reasons for leaving you, Fallyn. You two were…are perfect for each other and believe me I wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t worth saying.”
 

Dave looked around at the house and laughed. “I heard you were having a kick ass party tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.”
 

I rubbed my face with both hands. “You know that all of this could have been avoided if he’d just had the balls enough to stick around. I could have moved on with a reason…all I ever wanted was a reason.”
 

“He’s in the car.”
 

My head shot to the right and I stared intently into the dark driveway. I left Dave standing in the doorway and walked hesitantly to his car. I opened the driver door and slid in. Mason was leaning against the dash, his head in his hands.
 

“I’ve really fucked up,” he mumbled. “Dave made me come, but he shouldn’t have to make me do anything.”
 

“Mason, you’ve missed so much. I understand why you left but I need to hear it from your own mouth. I can’t keep pretending like you disappearing into thin air didn’t affect me.” My voice was firm and, though tears lingered at the corners of my eyes, I was certain I could have the conversation that should have happened months before.
 

The dark prevented me from seeing his face as he leaned back against the seat, but his voice gave away the fact that he was just as emotional as I was. “Fallyn, there are some things I need to say and it probably won’t change anything but it’s only fair to you.”
 

“I’m listening.”
 

He sighed. “I really needed you to be my safe place. For some reason, without realizing it, I pushed you to be what I needed.” He yanked at his hair in frustration. “You melted away right in front of me, baby…and I’m sorry I didn’t stop it. I figured if I stepped away quietly that you would get better.”
 

“You left me half dead in a hospital, Mason.”
 

“Do you have any idea what it was like finding you lying on the floor like that? I thought you were dead.” His shoulders shuddered slightly and I felt for him.
 

“There is no way for me to explain that away. All I can offer is my apology and my thanks. You did save my life. You gave me a second chance.” I smiled through my tears and placed a trembling hand on his trembling shoulders.
 

He turned to look me in the eye for the first time since I’d gotten in the car. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered.
 

“Mason, I really miss you. Why are we here right now?”
 

“Because I am an asshole who has far too much guilt sitting on my shoulders.”
 

I turned my body toward him. He looked down, so I placed my left hand against his right cheek. I could feel the damp skin there. “We’re too far gone to walk away now. Everyone deserves a second chance.”