Wanted Always (Xander Barns) (12 page)

Oh dear.

Chapter
Eight
  

*Marisa*

The party
clearly hasn’t died; dance music blasts loudly from behind the closed doors of
the party room. I can’t go in just yet. For some reason, I have this sinking
feeling in the pit of my stomach that as soon as I walk in, I’ll be charged by
two very angry bulls.

Meaning: Mom
and Gwen, who must have known where Ben and I were. They probably had planned
that little rendezvous out in the hall as well.

Their plans
failed.

So far.

The stubborn
fairy on my left shoulder won’t let me give in. Maybe the old me would have
given in just to appease a whole group of people. It would have been easy to concede,
also to be cared for. Ben would have been caring and forgiving in the
beginning, but after a while, things would have just returned to the way they
were before.

I’m not the
girl for him, clearly, and that kills me to admit; because every time I see his
face in my head, or think I hear his voice, especially since coming back, has
been difficult.

I take a
last minute deep breath as my hand cradles the doorknob. I only open it wide
enough to fit my body through - to the inch. I don’t want to cause a stir
opening the door widely, dramatically announcing my return from the failed
attempt of a reconciliation that went about the worst way possible.

There wasn’t
a heartfelt, deep-down-in-his-bones apology. And I need that; especially after
five years of being supposedly the love of his life, just as he had been (and
maybe still could be) mine. It is as clear as daylight; he doesn’t believe he
is responsible for the demise of our relationship, that the ‘simple’ kiss last
Halloween was nothing more than a blip in our relationship radar, and that
I
needed to get over it.

Well, I
can’t!

I slide
through the doorway, the loud blast of dance music circling me; and if it
wasn’t for the unfortunate circumstances that consume me, I would gladly let
myself go and succumb to the beat of the song.

Things like
five years of supposedly being in love with the man you wanted to spend the
rest of your life with and he cheats on you, kind of ruin any chance of letting
go and forgetting your worries. You can’t forget this shit; it follows you
until something better comes along and takes over.

And from
what I can see, it’ll be awhile before I trust anyone (Xander does not count. I
was weak!) ever again. So, I guess I’m going to have to prepare myself for a
few years of misery and self-pity.

I don’t want
that. I want be happy and carefree. I want to be that girl who doesn’t give a
shit, like it’s his loss and I’m so over him; because if that ass can’t see the
love of a good woman, (I’m not perfect, but who is) then fuck him. I’m going to
find someone who’ll appreciate me.

The smart
side would have said that. I want to find someone that would like me for me,
all faults included, who will cast aside all judgment, only to be discussed if
absolutely necessary. And if it is discussed, it’s only in the most respectful
way possible.

Because, if
the one person you love doesn’t speak to you with anything but respect, what’s
the fucking point of being in a relationship? I’m so sick of getting shit on
all the time, and just taking it without being able to defend myself because of
the worries of being further persecuted. I’m so tired of not being appreciated
and loved the way I deserve. I want to not be scared that if I ever make a
mistake, that a cloud of shit won’t come charging (i.e. Mom, Ben, or Gwen) at
me, ready and salivating at the chance to lecture me on all the things I’m
doing wrong.

I’m so
tired.

I glance
around the entire lively room, filled with happy guests dancing, enjoying the
evening that Mom probably spent a few months planning. But of course, she sent
me an email for it last minute, yet all these people are happy.

I want in.

I also want
to get out of here. I don’t even want be here anymore. Everything I hate about
my old life is in this room. My gaze stops at a small huddle on the other side
of the dance floor, where Mom, Gwen, and the dads are in deep discussion. At
the same time, by my amazing luck, they take notice right away and catch me
looking. Perfect timing! Their disgruntled defeated expressions tell me enough
about what they were discussing.

Me. Ben. Our
failed relationship. Me. Ben. Stubborn me, who doesn’t know a good thing when
she sees it. Well, I’m not one of those women who accepts cheating just because
she’s scared of losing her special man.

Fuck him.
Fuck them all.

I stride
over to my table where Darcy and Cameron are sitting with the rest of the kids;
they’re all playing with their phones.

“Hey,
Darcy,” I whisper into her ear as soon as I get to the table. She looks up from
her phone. “I’m leaving, okay?” I quickly tell her; she puts her phone on the
table and twists her body around to face me.

“Why? The
party isn’t over yet,” Darcy says loudly. Cameron looks up from his phone
confused.

“Where are
you going?” Cameron asks and gets up from his seat to come stand beside us.

“You guys,”
I whisper to them, my eyes pleading, hoping they’ll understand the situation.
“I can’t be here anymore; you know how it is. They won’t leave me alone.”

Cameron
looks at Darcy worriedly, then back at me. “Is it Ben? Is he bothering you?”
Cameron asks. “Because if it is, I’ll kick his ass for you.”

Johnny looks
up at the sound of his brother’s name, looking at us confused. I shake my head
and fake laugh at Johnny, hoping he won’t take anything from our conversation
too seriously. I look back at my brother and give him a small smile as my hand
squeezes his shoulder. “Little bro, don’t worry. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just
can’t be here anymore,” I tell him reassuringly.

“But we
haven’t seen you for months,” Darcy whispers. “When are we going to see you
again? It’s going to be our birthday in July.”

“I’m not
going to miss your birthday for anything in the world. I’m going to go back –
well, okay, I live in Toronto now, and I have job – please don’t tell anyone.
I’m just going to go back tomorrow, work, save up, and gotta buy you guys some
awesome presents. You only turn fourteen once,” I explain as their eyes widen
when I mention I now live in Toronto.

“You live in
T.O.?” Cameron gasps excitedly.

“Can we come
and visit?” Darcy asks right after.

“You guys, come on. You think Mom’s going
to let you visit me? And speaking of Mom, don’t tell her where I live, okay?
This is between you guys and me, got it?” I look at the both of them, then
behind them to see if Jennifer and Johnny heard. Their heads are down, so I’m
guessing no, but it could be a front.

We’ll see. God knows that those two kids
tell their mother everything, especially if they’ve heard any of the gossip
from my house via the twins.

Usually about me and the problems I’d
cause daily. I was top news.

“I’m coming back for your birthdays. Mom’s
having a huge party, right?” I ask them.

“Duh!” the twins say at the same time.

I look away, chuckling. My siblings are
funny, especially when they say what they are thinking at the same time.

God, I missed them. I turn back to them
and give them both hugs at the same time, because that’s how we do it. “I’ll
send an email tomorrow, okay?”

They both nod and return back to playing
on their phones. I nod goodbye to Jennifer and Johnny and leave the table,
heading toward Dad who is back with his friends again. Thank God, because I
didn’t want to say goodbye with Mom lurking in the background, making stupid
remarks about how selfish I am for leaving so early, especially in light of my
absence.

In her eyes, I probably owe time.

Not gonna happen.

Dad looks up as I walk up to him. “Dad,
having fun?”

“I’m having a great time. Are you having a
good time, dear?” he asks me, putting his drink down.

“Um, it’s been interesting, but that
doesn’t matter. This is your day; the only person who should be having fun here
is you!”

Dad holds out his arms and I go in for a
hug. “I’ve missed you, Marisa. Things aren’t the same here without you. You
know that, right?”

I tuck my face into my dad’s neck, taking
a giant whiff of his cologne; it instantly calms a bit of my nerves. “I know,
Dad.”

“You know you can come home anytime you
want. Don’t worry about your mother; she may not be showing it, but these last
five months, they haven’t been easy for her either,” Dad explains, releasing me
from the hug. I lean back, tucking the clutch underneath my arm, fixing loose
strands of hair, and tucking them back to the side just like Gustavo created.

“Dad, come on. You know that’s never going
to happen,” I tell him, cocking an eyebrow.

“Seriously, she’s been in pain, I know
she’d love it if you came back home,” Dad said. “And wait a minute, I don’t
even know where you’re living now. Where are you living now?”

I look at him, contemplating whether I
should tell him or not. Considering I just told the twins, and the chances that
Johnny and Jennifer heard were more than likely, it is bound to come out
anyway.

“Toronto,” I tell him, and his eyes widen
in an instant.

“Toronto!” Dad repeats, obviously
flabbergasted that I moved a good four-hours away. “Why? How?”

“My car and my savings from Dairy Queen.
I’ve got a job now, but I had to sell my car a little while ago. Things are
expensive down there,” I explain to him as the shock of me moving to Toronto
wears down.

“Wow,” Dad says, still shocked.

“Yeah, um, I’m going back tomorrow,” I
tell him, which shocks him yet again. “I’ve got to go to work on Monday.”

“You’re leaving tomorrow?” Dad asks in a
panic. “But you just came back after months of being away. We haven’t even been
able to sit down and talk. We need to talk.”

“Well, actually, speaking of leaving, um…I
kind of have to leave right now.”

Dad opens his mouth to object, but I beat
him to it. “But my train doesn’t leave until 1:30; maybe we can have coffee
tomorrow?”

Dad calms down. “I’d love that. Is that my
birthday present?”

“No! I have your birthday present right
here,” I open my clutch, pull out the Canadian Tire gift card, and give it to
him.

“A gift card, for me? Marisa you shouldn’t
have spent money on me; especially with moving to an expensive city like
Toronto,” Dad says, opening the envelope the card came in. “Wow, this is a lot.
You should have saved your money,” Dad says, not looking away from the gift
card.

Success.

And just like my special luck, Mom chooses
to come over and investigate what I’m up to. “What’s going on here?” she
announces, then tucks herself right beside Dad as if they are a package deal.

Well, they are because they’re married;
but she knows that Dad and I, our relationship, is much better then hers and
mine. It kills her to know that not everyone finds me annoying and troublesome.

Maybe it’s just her and Gwen that are
actually a package deal.

Whatever.

“I just came to give Dad his gift,” I
explain nonchalantly.

Don’t lose it; keep calm. Don’t let her
affect you; ignore any jabs.

“Oh really, what did you buy?” Mom asks,
peering over Dad to trying to get a good look at my present. “A Canadian Tire
gift card.”

The knowing smile struggles to break free
at the sound of Mom’s annoyed voice. She hates Canadian Tire; especially when
Dad comes home with things they didn’t need.

Special sponges anyone?

“Yeah, Dad loves Canadian Tire. What
better gift is there?” I tell her, smiling brightly. “I hope he buys some good
stuff from there – oooh, maybe you two can go together one night next week. You
can have a date night! They don’t close ‘til nine, so it’s all good; and get
some hotdogs afterward at the little food hut they have out front. There’s a
special on Wednesdays. I think. Two can eat for five dollars– it’s uh-mazing.”

What a great idea! I come up with all the
fun stuff.

Mom clearly disagrees.

Her eyes bulge in disgust. That would be
her worst nightmare; especially wasting one of their precious date nights at
Canadian Tire, scouring the aisles for cleaning supplies and cutting boards in
every size known to man.

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Mom snaps
disgustedly, her eyes flaming, obviously trying to keep it in for the sake of
Dad. But if he wasn’t next to us right now, I’d be getting more than an eye
roll and a silent fuck you.

I can read her mind right now.
Don’t
you dare try to ruin my date night! Gwen does not want to go to Canadian Tire
on date night.

Yeah. I’m a mind reader now. All I have to
do is look deep into her eyes and it just comes to me.

I’m a genius like that.

Back to business. I’m leaving the party. I
snap back to what I’m supposed to be doing.

“Anyway, it was just a suggestion. I
actually came to also say I have to go,” I explain as Mom stops in mid-eye
roll, jerking her face back to me, looking panicked and horrified.

“What?” she screeches.