Welcome to My Jungle (15 page)

Evil, I know.

After a few more days I actually went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of bananas, and had one of the guys in the entourage walk through the hotel lobby carrying a grocery bag with the bananas sticking out of the top, calling over to Robert to say, “Hi,” while Robert was at the hotel’s front desk. Robert saw the bag and the bananas and, I assume, went into internal panic mode.

Later that afternoon, Robert sat at the lobby bar, probably trying to get drunk to dull the pain of what he thought was going to happen that night. Another member of our entourage sat next to him and started taking the cherries from the bar and putting them in a plastic bag.

Classic.

Robert just got up and left. The timing was perfect. Robert was freaking out because there was a show that night.

Robert was very elusive at the concert that night, looking behind him every second, and on edge every time someone walked near him.

But Robert also knew that he had to be on the side of the stage during the show, because he had to be near me, just in case I needed his help.

So at the show, guys from the entourage would convene around Robert, as if something was about to happen. Robert would either run away to the other side of the stage, or run backstage as if he had to get something for Axl. It was a very stressful night for Robert, and a very hysterical night for us.

But nothing happened that night. In fact nothing happened for a long time, but every once in a while we would allude that “it was going to happen tonight.”

Until …

PRETTY TIED UP

We were in Italy on Wednesday, June 30, 1993, coming to the end of the tour. Only a few months left. My wedding date was in September, and at that point I was really tired of traveling to a different city every other day. I think we all were.

It was the Skin N’ Bones part of the world tour, where during the middle of the set, the band paused the show, and the crew brought out a couch, a few comfy chairs, and a lamp or two, creating a living-room kind of feel. It was all brought onstage, right onto the apron where the front row was only about ten feet away from the entire band.

From the couches and the chairs, Guns N’ Roses then performed a small acoustic set—songs like “Patience,” “Used to Love Her,” and so on.

That night, because it was near the end of the tour, and we were all mentally fried, it was time to do something different at the show. Something really fun. Something outside the box. So we decided to tie up Robert and bring him onto the stage, right in the middle of a song.

We took a real chance with this because we didn’t tell the band that this was going to happen. But we knew the band loved practical jokes, and we thought they’d be okay with it. Plus, there was only a month left on the tour, and if they fired the four of us at that point, it would take them a month, at least, to find replacements, and we were overseas. We knew we were safe, which made it a lot more fun.

The whole banana split joke never happened, and everyone had forgotten about it. Even Robert. But when we decided to tie Robert up, I also decided that I would tell him that while it might have taken awhile, we never forgot the banana split initiation.

I told Robert that I would run the teleprompter that night, and he was really happy about that. But, again, he still had to be stationed next to me just in case Axl or I needed him to do something, because I couldn’t leave the teleprompter.

The band was playing “Used to Love Her,” and we had decided that that would be our cue. We chose that song because it wasn’t a major hit song, and it was a fun song. I know you wouldn’t know it from the title or the lyrics (“I used to love her, but I had to kill her”), but from the stage it’s a very fun song, and Axl seemed to enjoy “playing” during it. So we figured, if we’re going to dump someone on the stage in the middle of a song in front of 80,000 people, the band better be having fun, or we’d be in serious trouble.

Earl was usually stationed in Axl’s onstage dressing room, but it wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to come out to say hi to me or Robert. Doug and John usually hung around the area behind me as well.

I did not witness this part, but I assume that Earl engaged Robert in a discussion while Truck and Ronnie (Slash’s security guy) came over from their side of the stage to get ready to pounce. Everyone was in place as Robert stood enjoying the show, not knowing what was about to take place.

Andy Warhol once said that everyone, at one time or another, will get their fifteen minutes of fame—fifteen minutes where you are the star, the center of attention. Although Robert was an actor who had appeared on a few television shows and onstage, being in front of 80,000 people live was going to be something new for him. It would be something he would never forget.

And neither would we.

About a quarter of the way into “Used to Love Her,” it happened. Poor Robert, poor innocent Robert, who was standing on the side of the stage, minding his own business, enjoying the show he had seen a hundred times, was jumped by four huge men, each from different angles.

Because I was running the teleprompter, I couldn’t get up to help, but it happened literally two feet behind me.

It was Earl, Truck, Ronnie, and I think John was in there, too. They brought Robert to the ground, gently. Well, as gently as four very large men can bring someone down.

At that point Robert wasn’t putting up too much of a fight. He probably needed a second or two to comprehend what was happening, and since he had no idea of what was
about
to happen, he didn’t feel he had anything to panic about.

That was until I spoke.

“Looks like it’s banana split night, Robert.”

And Robert went crazy. He started swinging his arms and kicking his legs, desperately trying to break the hold of four very strong men.

It’s amazing what adrenaline can do. Robert suddenly had the strength of ten men.

Robert was always in great shape. But if I had to guess he probably topped out at about 180 pounds. And although he worked out, what I witnessed was truly superhuman strength.

The four guys had him held pretty well, but the idea was that two of them would hold him down, and the other two would tie his legs together, and tie his hands behind his back.

That wasn’t going to happen. All four were needed just to hold him down. As soon as one of the four let go for a second, Robert was able to wriggle away. This went on for about two minutes, which just so you know, is an eternity when you’re trying to tie someone up.

I had to scrap the teleprompter for a few seconds to help out. Axl knew this song inside and out, so I figured he could wing it with the words for a minute or two.

I jumped in to help my four huge friends hold down the 180-pound ex-actor, and we were finally able to tie him up.

We were all sweating profusely. Robert laid on the ground all tied up, catching his breath as well.

But we weren’t finished yet.

Earl grabbed one end, Ronnie grabbed the other, and they lifted Robert up. At that point there was nothing Robert could do, and he had no energy left, so there was no struggle when they lifted him up.

While the band was in the middle of their song, and Axl was singing his heart out, Earl and Ronnie carried Robert onstage.

The band continued to play while this happened, but they were cracking up.

Earl and Ronnie carried Robert right in front of Axl, right on the edge of the front of the stage. They placed him down and left. Robert lay there, the band continued to play, and Axl continued to sing.

And there began Robert’s fifteen minutes of fame, onstage with Guns N’ Roses, in front of 80,000 screaming fans.

After a minute or two of watching Robert try to break free from the ropes, Axl decided to take it to the next level. While singing, Axl started hopping back and forth over Robert as if jumping rope.

On the side of the stage we were all relieved because we knew we wouldn’t get fired. By the way things looked onstage, we thought we might actually get raises.

The band finished the song, and Axl didn’t tell us to get Robert. Instead they broke into their next song, and left him there.

During this song Axl put the microphone in front of Robert during parts of the chorus so Robert could sing along. Think of it. Yes, Robert was still trying to get loose because he still thought that he was going to get a banana shoved up his ass, but he’s singing a duet with Axl Rose. This was a story he could tell for generations.

This continued for a few more songs, all the time Robert wriggling around trying to get loose. Every once in a while, Axl would grab a towel from the stage and wipe Robert’s brow because he was sweating so much. And every once in a while Axl would notice that Robert was loosening the ropes and have one of the guys come back onstage to tighten the knot.

It was brutal, but it was one of the funniest fifteen minutes I have ever experienced in my life.

The band started yet another song, and again, Robert was left out there. About halfway through the song, though, Axl looked at Robert and stopped the song.

“Hold it, hold it,” Axl yelled in his mic for everyone to hear.

The band stopped playing.

“He’s got a knife,” Axl added.

Robert had managed to get one of his hands into his front pocket, pull out a small pocket knife, and slowly cut the thick rope. Axl was so into Robert being onstage that he called Earl and had him take the knife away from Robert.

Then, the band picked up the song right where they left off.

At that point Robert must have thought that this was never going to end, and the fight in him left, like a fish out of water.

It actually looked like Robert started enjoying the experience because I think he realized that there would be no banana split that night.

In fact, no one had ever had the banana split.

Robert was eventually released, and lived to tell the story of his fifteen minutes of fame with Guns N’ Roses in Italy.

It might have been hell that night, but today it’s one hell of a story.

THE DOMINO’S PIZZA GUY

Imagine this. You get a call to deliver a pizza and the address happens to be backstage at the local concert arena, and you deliver the pizza. The next thing you know you’re playing bongos onstage with Guns N’ Roses.

The acoustic set during the Skin N’ Bones tour was unique, and it happened to be one of my favorite parts of the tour. Slash played acoustic guitar, and Matt played bongos instead of his usual drum set.

Stage pranks were a recurring theme on tour. I’m not sure who started this, but I’m guessing it was either Doug or Dale “Opie” Skeirseth, the production manager. Opie was basically in charge of the stage, the crew, and the equipment. He ran the whole show.

One night someone ordered a bunch of pizza from Domino’s and had it delivered backstage of an arena. On this night the Domino’s deliveryman arrived backstage, and someone instructed him to take the pizza out to Axl, who was in the middle of performing a song. And much to Axl’s credit, he did what every red-blooded rock star would do. He stopped the song, took the box of pizza, placed it on the cocktail table, took a slice out, and started eating it. And so the rest of the band joined in for a slice of pizza.

The face on the Domino’s deliveryman was priceless. I think he was in shock. He stood there frozen in front of about 18,000 screaming fans.

With that, Axl walked the Domino’s pizza guy over to the bongos, and told him to play the bongos during their next song. Matt grabbed the cymbals or maracas and played those.

Without missing a beat they went into “Used to Love Her,” and there he was in all his glory, the Domino’s pizza guy playing bongos onstage with the biggest rock band in the world at the time.

I would love to know what that kid is doing now. So if you’re out there, Domino’s pizza guy, please contact me. I want you to play bongos at my next RockStar Marketing BootCamp seminar in Los Angeles where I teach regular businesspeople how to become “RockStars” in their industry.
www.CraigDuswalt.com
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After the song, the pizza guy left the stage to a standing ovation. But one of our guys made sure to “buy” his Domino’s shirt, because we were going to use that for the rest of the Skin N’ Bones Tour.

I’m sure he had a lot of explaining to do to his boss when he got back to the store without a shirt. But I’m also sure when the boss heard the reason he didn’t have his shirt anymore, he was the talk of the town.

For most of the rest of the shows in the Skin N’ Bones tour, the band did something really cool. They would choose someone from either the crew or the entourage to come onstage, wearing the Domino’s pizza shirt, to play bongos with the band. The audience thought it was a pizza delivery guy, but it was just one of us.

I was blessed to play bongos during the second-to-last show of the tour in Buenos Aires.

I think there were about 80,000 people in the audience that day, and there I was, playing “Used to Love Her” with Guns N’ Roses.

There is no feeling in the world that compares to playing a song in front of that many people. This is the reason that just about everyone in the world, at one time or another, wants to be a rock star.

JAMES ON FIRE

I am married to Natasha because James Hetfield, the lead singer/guitarist of Metallica, stood on top of a flash pot during their set and suffered second-degree burns on his arms and hands on August 8, 1994, in Montreal, Canada.

On one of the legs of the Guns N’ Roses World Tour was a three-month stint when Guns N’ Roses and Metallica shared the stage in large stadiums all across North America. We played Arrowhead Stadium (my favorite, being a Chiefs fan), Giants Stadium, Texas Stadium, the Superdome in Louisiana, and the Houston Astrodome just to name a few. I had personally never seen anything like it.

The lineup that night in Montreal was Faith No More, then Metallica, and then Guns N’ Roses closing the show.

Everything started out great. Faith No More’s set was awesome, and Metallica took the stage pretty much on time.