What a Wicked Earl Wants (27 page)

When the maid woke her in the morning, Laura sat up and a wave of nausea gripped her. She thought it must be all of the emotional turmoil from last night. The maid brought a clean chamber pot and promised to bring a cup of tea to settle her stomach.

She was starting to feel better after sitting still when she realized that she needed the chamber pot for the second time this morning. When she pushed the pot under the bed, she nearly retched. She stood, wondering if she was ill. Then her skin prickled all over.

The day she’d gone to Rachel’s house and confessed she might be increasing, her sister had asked her if she’d found herself needing the necessary more often than usual. It was the first suspicion she’d had that she might be wrong about a pregnancy.

Laura sat on the edge of the bed and covered her mouth. She told herself it couldn’t be true. In the first five months of marriage, she had never conceived. After that, her husband had grown too ill to lie with her.

But how could she be pregnant? There had been only that one night with Bell. Was it possible? Her eyes smarted with tears. She’d wanted a babe so badly and thought it would never happen. Laura set her hands on her flat belly and hope blossomed in her heart.

Her happiness fled quickly as she realized the enormity of what had happened. The night they’d made love, she’d told him that she’d never conceived during her marriage. He’d looked relieved.

Last night, he’d told her in no uncertain terms that there would never be a family or an heir of his body. She couldn’t tell him her suspicion, but if it was true, she would have to tell him. The babe would be his child, too.

But if she told him, he would feel trapped.

He didn’t love her, and he didn’t want a family. He was willing to let his property go back to the Crown because he believed himself incapable of being a husband and father.

She mustn’t panic. There was no certainty. But if she was carrying his child, she would be in terrible trouble. She would be an unwed mother with a bastard child. Her child and her family would all suffer.

“Oh, God, help me.”

Bell felt like an ogre. She’d said very little at breakfast and had looked away each time he tried to catch her eyes. Now she focused all of her attention on embroidering that scrap of a gown for her sister’s babe. She was probably very sad about her sisters having children while her womb remained empty. Bell wondered if the problem had been with her elderly husband. Then it struck him if that was the case, he might have impregnated Laura. He told himself that was far-fetched. He’d known men whose wives didn’t conceive for months after marriage.

A memory jolted him. He could almost feel how hot his face had gotten as his father rebuked him for kissing that tavern girl.
It only takes once, and then you’ve created a bastard child.

He silently chided himself for letting his thoughts run to a nonexistent disaster. The only reason he’d thought about it was because she was embroidering that infant gown. What he ought to be worried about was his ill treatment of her last night. He’d gotten his back up because she’d poked and prodded a little too far. He’d known all along that Laura was the sort of woman who doted on others. She probably thought she could patch him up. Perhaps this evening when they stopped at the White Dove, he would ask her to walk with him so that he could make amends.

T
he moment they arrived at the White Dove, Laura applied to the innkeeper’s wife. She was embarrassed by the number of times she’d had to find the necessary. Now as she emerged into the entrance, she felt conspicuous. She knew it was ridiculous. Bell didn’t suspect a thing. She told herself a bachelor wouldn’t know the early signs of pregnancy. Of course, she wouldn’t be in this dilemma if her courses were regular—or if she’d not gone to his bed. But she didn’t want to regret that night or him.

The porter took the bags upstairs as Laura approached Bell and Lady Atherton.

“Well, I’m going upstairs to wash and read my book of poetry now that I’m not in a rocking carriage,” Lady Atherton said. “Laura, you were wise to bring embroidery for the journey. Will you accompany me upstairs?”

Bell met her gaze, and Laura realized he wished to speak to her. She turned to Lady Atherton. “Actually, I wish to stretch my legs. Lord Bellingham, would you accompany me?” she asked.

“Yes, a walk would be nice.”

“Well, we’ll all meet in the dining parlor later,” Lady Atherton said.

Laura took Bell’s arm. The inn yard was noisy and full of travelers. He led her past a group of children who were playing. When he stopped by an oak tree, he took a deep breath. “Laura, I’m sorry for my harsh words last night. I was uncivil, presumptuous, and unkind—to you, my dear friend.”

Her eyes welled. “Forgive me.”

He reached for her hand. “You have done nothing wrong. I think I have a fair idea about the kind of woman you are. Your role in life as a caretaker started early, and you’re very good at it. You are very aware of others’ feelings, and you want to help. Given the decisions I’ve made, I understand why you want to help me come to terms with the death of my family.”

“You never mourned them.”

“I failed them,” he gritted out.

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t want to talk about the details. I was tried, and I failed.”

Laura thought of the child that might be growing in her belly and wondered how she would fare if she failed with this trial. She squeezed his hand. “You know I’m tempted to offer to help, but I will respect your wishes and privacy.”

“I was out of my head when I realized I was too late. I had the perfect family, and I lost them all. If not for my friends, I don’t know what would have happened. Those four years that I traveled, I knew that I could never make up for that failure. There is no resolution. I can’t bring them back, and I can’t make it better by creating another family.”

“Are you being too hard on yourself? You were younger and tested in one of the worst possible ways.”

“I decided years ago that I would never be a family man. It’s not who I am. I’m not going to marry just to pass on an estate and a title. It won’t bring back my family, and it won’t absolve me.”

He was afraid of letting himself love again because he couldn’t bear to lose those he loved.

He was relieved by the jovial atmosphere at dinner. Laura was primarily responsible for the lighthearted evening. She told them funny stories about the more interesting people in her father’s parish, and she also regaled them with stories of some of the local folks who put on airs.

Bell laughed. “How does your father give a sermon with a straight face when one of the parishioners snores so loud no one can hear him?”

She smiled. “Papa says it saves him time as he can easily repeat any sermon with no fear of anyone having heard the entire thing.”

The innkeeper’s wife brought a bottle of wine and three glasses. Laura begged off. “I would prefer tea this evening.”

“You don’t wish to have wine?” Lady Atherton said.

“My tastes must be changing,” she said. “At any rate, a cup of hot tea is always invigorating.”

Lady Atherton regarded her with an enigmatic expression. Laura knew her friend was too astute not to miss the signs.

Laura sat in a chair in Lady Atherton’s room. “Well, we have one more day of the journey, and then I will see Justin again.”

Lady Atherton finished her glass of sherry. “I’m certain the boy is enjoying his time gallivanting about Thornhill Park, especially with those scamps Harry and Colin.”

“I fear we will not be able to keep Montclief from taking Justin,” Laura said.

“Mark my words, Bellingham will not allow that to happen,” Lady Atherton said.

“The courts are likely to let Montclief’s guardianship stand, unless Lord Bellingham can produce evidence that Montclief is unsuitable. Thus far, the investigator has not uncovered anything substantial, other than my brother-in-law is bleeding his tenants dry.”

“Bellingham’s influence and his knowledge of the courts will win the day.” Lady Atherton patted her hand. “I know that is probably not comforting at this moment, but I urge you to have faith in him.”

“I have faith in Bellingham,” Laura said, “but I would be lying if I did not admit I’m frightened that the courts will not rule in our favor.”

“Be patient,” Lady Atherton said. “Bellingham will save the day. Mark my words.”

Laura knew he would do everything possible, but unless incontrovertible evidence of Montclief’s bad character was found, she stood to lose her son.

Later that evening

Laura was scared, more scared than she’d ever been in her life. More scared than when her son had caroused with friends on the dangerous streets of London. More scared than when Phillip’s doctor had confided his condition was fatal. More scared than when Montclief had threatened to take her son.

She had to make a decision, one that no mother should ever have to face, and she would have to cover up her actions every step of the way to protect all those she loved.

In the near future, she would have to leave Hampshire and invent a story for her absence. She would have to prepare in advance because her family would question her, and she must never, ever let them know.

She would apply to Lady Atherton for assistance. It was imperative that she conceal her secret, and that meant the most heart-wrenching decision any woman could ever make.

She could no longer avoid the truth. There were too many signs.

She was carrying Bell’s babe.

Laura’s eyes welled as she laid her hand on her flat belly, as if she could protect her unborn child. She had lain awake most of last night, wrestling with a decision that offered nothing but heartache and, worse, a life as an orphan for her child.

How could she do it? How could she give away her own child? What kind of mother would leave her child in an orphanage? The thought alone made her so sick she could hardly eat.

But the babe was Bell’s as well. Did he not deserve to know that he was to be a father? Did he not deserve to have a say in the decision? Yet his words echoed in her mind.
I know what I’m capable of and what I’m not. There will never be a little family. There will never be an heir of my body. There will never be another Lady Bellingham.

She didn’t know what to do. He’d suffered so much already, and he did not want a family. If she told him, he would do his duty and marry her, but she feared it would never be a real marriage. Bellingham was not one to let the proprieties govern his life. He would ensure that she and the child had every comfort, but she suspected he would live apart from them. There would never be harmony between them, and their child would suffer for it.

If she didn’t tell him, their child would suffer in far worse ways. She pictured a little boy with blue eyes asking for his mother, and her face crumpled. She knew with every ounce of her being that she could never leave her baby, but she had to find a way to protect her child and all of her family from ruin.

Laura had no answers, but her father had taught her to trust in prayer. She knelt on the hard wooden floor, bowed her head, and prayed for an answer. “Lord, I cannot do this alone.” As she strained to listen, she knew a moment of doubt, but she would not forsake her child. She waited, counseling herself to be patient as her father had taught her.

Laura waited a long time, and then the answer came. Tears rolled down her face. She wrapped her arms around her belly. “I love you,” she said.

The maid had braided Laura’s hair and put a hot brick in the sheets. Laura washed her face and donned a fresh nightgown. Tomorrow she would see her son again. She’d missed him so much and hoped that he’d barely thought of her as he explored Thornhill Park with Harry and Colin.

A measure of peace stole over her. She knew that in the months to come she would face unimaginable difficulties, but she had faced difficulties before, and she knew that no matter what came, she would find a way to do what was best for the baby growing inside of her and for Bell.

She laid the voluminous shawl across the foot of the bed and meant to retire when a knock sounded at the door. She cracked the door open to find Bell. “Come in,” she said softly.

“I can hear Lady Atherton’s snores through the adjacent wall,” he said. “You will not be able to sleep with that racket.”

“It’s late, and I doubt there are any available rooms left.”

“Laura, this is the last night before we arrive at Thornhill Park. We will be surrounded by others.” He looked directly into her eyes.

She wasn’t surprised. He was a direct sort of man. “You wish for more privacy?” she asked.

“Yes, I wish to talk to you, but you know me well. We need to talk, and there will be more discussions when we arrive at Thornhill Park. But for your sake we must observe the proprieties when we arrive there. The truth is I can no more get you out of my head than I could the day I brought Justin’s flask to you.”

“What are you saying?” she said.

“I want to discuss what is between us. Will you come to my room? The walls are paper thin, and I want to speak frankly.”

She retrieved her shawl and wrapped it around her. Then she followed him across the hall. A tiny spark of hope lit within her, but she mentally chided herself. Nothing had changed for him, and everything had changed for her.

He had made it clear that permanency was not an option.

When she entered his room, they sat on the bed, facing each other.

He captured her hands. “I know we live far apart, but I don’t want distance to stand in the way of our friendship. I hope you will agree to correspond.”

She studied his face, realizing that for him this was probably a big step. “You will travel this summer. It may be difficult.”

“Colin holds an annual hunting party in the fall. You could attend and bring Justin.”

By fall, her condition would be difficult to hide. “Perhaps.”

“When I return from the Continent, I will send you a letter, and we will make plans. Justin will help me persuade you.”

“Let us wait until the time grows closer to tell him. Otherwise he will be constantly asking me about the plans.” She looked at their joined hands. He’d invited her to his room, and now she had the opportunity to tell him that he would be a father by next winter. But she had not planned how to tell him, and there would be plenty of opportunities when they reached Thornhill Park. She just needed time to consider the best way to tell him, and she must, no matter how much she dreaded giving him news he would not welcome.

“It occurs to me that you’ve told me very little about your family,” he said. “Is your father stern?”

“Only when he needs to be. My brothers got caned more than once.”

“Let me guess. Spare the rod, spoil the child.”

“Yes. Phillip did not believe in caning a child. I was glad. What about your father?”

“He knew that a caning would end too quickly. He made us muck out the barn.”

“Your brother got in trouble, too?”

He only then realized he’d used the word
us
. “Yes, all boys are bad.”

She laughed. “Sometimes girls are bad, too.”

“Now this is interesting. Did you do bad things, Laura?” he said in a low voice.

“Yes. I was jealous that my brothers got to swim in the stream, but the girls were forbidden. Adam and Caleb were always lording it over me. One time I stole their breeches. They had to run home naked.”

His shoulders shook with laughter. “Tell me about your first kiss,” he said.

“Ugh,” she said. “I was ten. Robert Bayer caught me by a tree and mashed his mouth to mine. I kicked him in the shin.”

“Oh, so you’re not so different from Angeline,” he said.

She doubted Angeline had taken care of siblings as a child, but she kept that to herself.

“Did your family ever travel?” he asked.

“No, I lived all my life in Hampshire,” she said. “London was the first place I ever journeyed to.”

His parents had taken Steven and him to Brighton for sea bathing. They had gone to see Stonehenge. Every spring they had gone to London. “I saw the Tower of London when I was a boy. You took Justin, did you not?”

“I did. He liked it because it was ghoulish.”

Bell smiled. “You’re a good mother to him. It cannot have been easy to be the only parent.”

“My parents helped when they could. So did my brothers and sisters. But they all have children of their own. I didn’t want to impose on them.”

He cupped her cheek. “Laura, you’re a special woman. Don’t ever forget it.”

“I think you are the most remarkable man I’ve ever met,” she said.

He laughed. “We have admired each other and can now declare we are perfect together.”

With all of her heart, she wished it could be so.

“Why are you so solemn?” he asked.

“I find myself a little reluctant for tomorrow.”

“Why?” he said.

“Because I don’t want tonight to end.”

“Laura?”

She’d fallen in love with him, and in years to come, she did not want to look back with regrets. “I want one last night with you.”

Bell searched her eyes. “Are you sure?”

She answered him with a deep, hungry kiss.

Oh, God. He removed his boots, trousers, and stockings. When he looked at her, she gave him a sultry look. He wrapped his arms around her. When their lips met, he teased his tongue along the seam of her mouth until she opened for him. The kiss was deep and hot. He wanted her so badly, but he would not rush her.