What About Charlie? (16 page)

She then screamed, “Evan…!” as wave after wave of convulsions began to rack her body.

Evan began to move faster, his rhythm meeting hers. Suddenly he groaned, his seed spilling inside her.

Smiling at the thought of their love making, Charlie tilted her head and lightly kissed Evan’s shoulder. That she loved him there was no doubt.

She never knew love could be so gloriously wonderful or so horribly scary. It was a mixture of emotion that she’d never felt before, never thought could coexist. One minute she felt secure, feeling like she’d done the right thing by furthering her relationship with him. The next minute she was worried sick that perhaps she shouldn’t have given in to her feelings. She knew beyond a doubt that Evan had feelings for her, but how deep they were she didn’t know. Would he ever grow to love her? That question haunted her.

If it didn’t work out between them there was no way they could go back to their old platonic relationship. Her broken heart would never allow that. Where was all this headed? How would it end? Or would it ever end?

“Was I?” she asked with a breathless laugh. She could never tell Evan how she felt. Never. She didn’t want him to think she doubted him.

Pulling her closer to him, he placed a light kiss atop her head. “Yes. I don’t like to see you frowning.”

Her worries momentarily forgotten, Charlie smiled. “The frown is gone now.”

“I’ve had a great evening, Charlie. Wonderful dinner, beautiful view and atmosphere. But the best part was the company. Nothing could eclipse that.”

Looking up at him, eyeing the tenseness around his eyes she said, “You don’t have to tell me, Evan, if you’re uncomfortable with it.”

“I need to tell you, Charlie. I tend to keep things to myself when I should be sharing them. This is something I need to do.”

Charlie sat up and crossed her legs Indian style. Evan got up out of the bed, opened a dresser drawer and pulled out a t-shirt, throwing it to Charlie to put on. Then he pulled out a pair of his silk boxers and pulled them up his legs. He plopped down across from her on the bed.

“You’re not cold, are you?”

Charlie shook her head. Even though it was spring, the nights were still cool sometimes. “I’m fine, Evan.”

“Charlie, I’ve never talked very much about my family to you. You know my father is a doctor, so is my younger brother. My father and I are not terribly close like you were with your father, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other any less. We’re just not close.

“While I was in medical school at Harvard I met Elena. During that period in my life, my father was footing the bills. I had a really nice car, a fashionable apartment. I didn’t have to work to eat like many of my fellow classmates. I guess you could say I was one of those spoiled rich kids.

“That all changed when I decided to go to St. Louis for my residency. It didn’t matter to my father that there are excellent teaching hospitals here. He wanted me to do my residency back east, but I didn’t want to. I had decided that long before I even graduated from medical school. To make a long story short, he cut me off financially.”

“That’s awful, Evan.”

He shook his head. “Nope. Actually, that was the best thing that could have happened. It turned out that Elena was ready to move with me to St. Louis but when she found out that the money was gone and we were going to be living off love for a while, well, that was another matter. She wanted no part of it. At one time I thought she was the one, but that all quickly changed. Since then, I’ve avoided any type of serious relationship. Just too much, you know what I mean? What topped it all off, she started seeing a good friend of mine right after we broke up. Apparently they’d been seeing each other for some time without my knowledge. At that point, I was too numb to be angry and so very relieved that I’d gotten rid of her. I never did tell my father how much of a favor he did for me.”

“Why?”

“I guess I didn’t want him to know what a failure I’d been with the relationship. I’m supposed to succeed at everything I do.”

Charlie’s heart ached for Evan. “Relationships are very difficult to cultivate. It takes both sides. You can’t control what the other person does. All you can do is do your best and hope they do too.”

“You’re the only person who can answer that. I can’t look into your heart and know your feelings. I can’t read your mind.” When he didn’t reply, she asked, “Do you think you can ever get beyond Elena? Do you think you can ever love again?”

Charlie hadn’t wanted to ask those questions but she needed to hear the answers because her own future, their future rested on what he said.

Evan looked away from her, hating himself for his weakness. He was the master of his own destiny; he was a decisive man. Yet, he couldn’t answer such seemingly simple questions, at least not in the way Charlie wanted them answered.

“I don’t know, Charlie.”

Looking away from him, she blinked her eyes, trying to control the rush of emotion – hurt, disappointment, anger – running through her. Well, what did she expect? Declarations of undying love? Declarations that she’d turned his life around and made him not afraid to love again?

Keeping her eyes glued to the flickering television, though not seeing anything, she forced out, “What about us? Is this another one of your affairs?”

“Is that what you think, Charlie?” he asked harshly.

She whipped her head around and met his angry eyes, her own eyes flashing daggers. “What do you expect me to think? You admitted that you didn’t know if you could ever fall in love with a woman. Where does that leave us, Evan?”

“I don’t know.”

Charlie jumped up from the bed, staring down at him. She knew she should keep her mouth shut, but what she wanted to say needed to be said. The words seem to bubble forth from her mouth. “Jesus, Evan, what do you know? I need to know what you expect from this relationship.”

“What do you expect, Charlie?”

“I expect an exploration of our feelings. I expect the consideration of a long-term relationship that might end in marriage.”

Evan stood, suddenly feeling very shaky, like everything was tumbling out of control. He ran a hand through his hair. “At the onset of this nothing was ever said about marriage.”

Charlie sighed. “I know, Evan. And I don’t expect after two weeks or a month that you suddenly realize you love me and propose. What I do want is the possibility that what we have may lead to that point.”

He looked away from her, unable to meet her eyes. “I can’t promise you anything, Charlie.”

“I’m not asking for promises, Evan. I’m just asking you to try. That is if you want to.”

Running his hand through his hair again, he turned his back towards her and walked to a nearby window, gazing through the Venetian blinds.

“For what this is worth, I want you to know you mean more to me than anyone I’ve ever dated, including Elena.” He turned around and captured her eyes with his. “You’re special Charlie. Very special. Please understand that I am scared, though I hate to admit it. These feelings that I have for you have me twisted in knots, and I don’t know how to proceed. More accurately, I’m too scared to proceed. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Please give me a chance. Us a chance. I can’t rush into anything, but I will try my best to really work on this relationship. What we have is unique. You can feel it too. I don’t want to lose that.”

Charlie wanted to run to Evan and throw her arms around him and reassure him, ease his pain, but she remained where she stood. She felt like she needed the physical distance between them to think objectively.

“Evan, you have been my best friend for five years. Five wonderful years. I don’t want to lose what we have between us. I love you, Evan. I probably shouldn’t even say it, but I do. I know you’ve been hurt, that you’re afraid to love, but I need to know whether you are capable of letting yourself love, that there’s that chance.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling as if his whole future depended on what he was about to say. “I’ll try my damnedest. That’s all I can do. Will you accept that?”

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

What was he going to do about Charlie?

She’d been occupying his mind all week. A bevy of emotion had been running rampant through him, swinging from guilt to despair to lust. The actual depth of feeling he was experiencing surprised him. He’d never felt this way about anyone; never had he cared so much about a woman.

The guilt he felt had been present almost immediately after Charlie said she’d give him time to sort out his feelings. Though he’d known she wanted him to say something more definitive, to say in fact that he loved her, he could offer her no more than he already had. It was frustrating, but he couldn’t force himself to say something he didn’t mean, and Charlie didn’t deserve to be lied to. Still it didn’t assuage his conscience that he was somehow doing her a great disservice.

The feeling he finally recognized as despair sort of snuck up on him out of nowhere. At first, he felt elated that they both had stated their feelings about what they wanted out of their relationship, that they finally had come to an understanding. But after he took her home and he came back to his glaringly empty townhouse (Charlie seemed to fill a room with her smile and laughter), he started to ponder what had been said, how inadequate it had really been, how Charlie wanted much more than what they had now.

It quickly caused him to wonder how long would she stay in their relationship. How long would she settle for a loveless affair? The thought of her leaving caused an odd ache in his heart, a sick feeling in his gut.

From the beginning, he’d known Charlie had been brought up to believe in love and marriage and happily ever after, and had lived her life in that vein. But somehow, in the heat of what was going on between them, that very important point got sidetracked, purposefully ignored. He wanted her so much that he didn’t want to face reality.

Well, reality was now here. It was no surprise that she wanted love and marriage. Secretly, he wanted that, too. Charlie was a special woman – funny, warm, loving, beautiful – everything he could want in a woman with whom to share his life. And if he were to marry anyone, Charlie would be the one. But he couldn’t tell her that. She deserved love, and right now, he couldn’t honestly say that he did love her. He cared for her – yes. But love? He couldn’t say. He berated himself for that. He just hoped to God she would give him enough time to figure himself out.

The lust he’d been feeling for her didn’t help. It had been with him 24 - 7 since he and Charlie had innocently slept together in Iowa. It occupied his mind during his waking moments and filled his dreams at night. It just seemed to confuse the issue, making it hard to differentiate between his emotions caused by physical need and emotions caused by his heart.

It had been a week since they’d made love, the last time being after their dinner in the restaurant overlooking St. Louis. Since then they’d both had hectic weeks – he’d had several emergency surgeries while she had to work on a new software project - working late every night of the week. They had kept in touch via the telephone and e-mail and saw each other only once – when they had their weekly Friday lunch. When she got up to leave, he didn’t want to let her go. He wanted to grab her hand and have her stay there with him forever.

Now it was Saturday morning, and though it was past nine am, he was still in bed. He needed to get up, but his whole body ached and his temples pounded in pain. He tried to sit up, but the pounding had only become worse, so he lay back down.

He needed to get up. They planned to catch an early matinee and then have a cookout at his place. The house needed to be cleaned, two loads of laundry needed to be washed.

Closing his eyes and pulling the comforter over his head, he thought just one more hour, and then he’d get up.

****

“Evan? Evan?” Charlie called after unlocking and entering his front door. Closing the door behind her, she stepped further into the foyer. It was oddly quiet. There weren’t any lights on; the TV in the living room, which was always on, was dark. A clock on the mantle above the fireplace ticked loudly.

Charlie quickly made her way to Evan’s room, alarm filling her. Something was wrong. He was always ready when they had an appointed meeting time. Always.

Opening his bedroom door, Charlie peeked in, eyeing the rumpled covers and the lump underneath that was obviously Evan underneath them. At the foot of the bed, only his feet stuck out from the covers.