What About Charlie? (14 page)

Evan felt like he’d been stabbed. Had they drifted so far apart from each other that it had come to this? Charlie looking at him like he was going to rape her?

****

Charlie stood staring at him in stony silence. What was he doing here? Why did he bother coming now? She felt her anger slip. She couldn’t help it. Seeing him felt so good. He was so handsome and the look on his face was so endearing. He was unsure of himself, she thought. But she couldn’t forget what he said to her, how he’d made her feel so cheap and tawdry.

“Charlie…”

She didn’t want to hear any regrets or apologies for what had happened between them. She wouldn’t be able to take it. Her heart was already in shreds. She couldn’t take any more.

Without a word, she slammed the door in his face, quickly locking it behind her. Leaning her back against it, she closed her eyes, willing tears not to come.

Evan banged on the door. “Charlie…Charlie…please let me talk to you.

“Charlie, I need to talk to you,” he pled through the thick door. “I…I…I can’t say how sorry I am that I hurt you. I acted was low, just loud enough for Charlie to hear.

Should she let him in? Should she forgive him?

This is what I wanted. He’s come to me and apologized.

With the pain in his voice echoing in her head, she could only imagine the hurt in his heart. They were friends, best friends. They could get over this. Charlie knew they could.

He wrapped his arms around her as tears slipped down her cheeks and she nuzzled against his strong shoulder. It felt so good to have Evan hold her again, to smell his cologne, to feel his hands caress her back, to feel his strength.

After several moments, he moved, forcing Charlie to move with him into her apartment, closing the door behind them. Though he didn’t seem to want to, he took a step back from her.

“We need to talk, Charlie.”

She nodded, though she wished Evan could just hold her forever. She didn’t want to face reality right now. All she wanted was to be in his arms.

Wiping her eyes, Charlie followed Evan into the living room. He sat across from her in a chair while she sat on the sofa.

Amazingly, Evan, who was the epitome of calm, looked as nervous as she felt. Her palms were sweating. Her stomach was doing flip-flops. Evan didn’t look much better. It amused her. Here was a man who dealt with life and death situations on a daily basis, but when it came to talking about personal feelings, revealing himself to someone, he was a miserable wreck.

He looked up to find Charlie staring at him, her eyes still red from her tears. Her expression was guarded and apprehensive like she was expecting the worse.

“Charlie,” he began, then paused seeming to try and gather his thoughts, to find the appropriate words. “I…I want to preface by saying I’m not too good at this type of thing. This kind of situation is all new to me.”

She nodded, her eyes and mouth unsmiling, her hands twisted in her lap. What was he going to say? Was he going to say that what happened between them couldn’t be repeated, but they could still be friends? Or would he say there was no way they could go back neither could they go forward – it was all over? The thought frightened her. For the past five years, Evan had been an integral part of her life. These past weeks without him had been torture. What would the rest of her life be like without his companionship, his smile, his deep, wonderful laugh?

He leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. He rubbed his hands together; he looked at her, then looked away, then once again looked back at her. “I’m sorry, Charlie, for ruining your first time like I did.” He felt his cheeks grow hot. “I was just shocked that you were a…a virgin. Especially after seeing how you were so smooth and shaved…”

Blushing, Charlie looked away for a moment, then turned her eyes back to his. She didn’t want to talk about this. A lady didn’t talk about these kinds of things! But Evan needed an explanation; he deserved one. Besides it seemed silly to all at once become shy and embarrassed. He’d seen and done things to her that no one ever had.

She looked at him shyly. “Evan, I keep myself shaved there to feel sexy.” A smile spread across her lips. “Plus, I’ve read men really like that. I…I wanted to be sexy when I finally made love with a man. I wanted to be able to please you.”

Evan felt his body tighten. Charlie was so beautiful and innocent. It drove him crazy. “Charlie, you pleased me more than you’ll every know. You shocked the hell out of me and made me crazy. I didn’t think you were a virgin, so I wasn’t being very gentle.” His brows suddenly furrowed and his voice filled with concern. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”

Smiling, she shook her head. “No, Evan. It was wonderful. That is until you found out I was more innocent than you had previously thought.”

“I’m glad, Charlie. I was afraid I hurt you.” He cleared his throat. “Charlie, obviously you’d been saving yourself for the man you wanted to marry for a long time and I took that away from you. Why did you let me?”

She looked up at him, green eyes fixed on him. “Evan, I never slept with anyone before because I never wanted to. You’re the first person I ever wanted to make love with. You didn’t take anything from me. Instead, you gave me a wonderful gift.” A worried look passed over her face. “What now, Evan? What will happen to our friendship?”

He reached for her hand and held it tightly in his. Looking at her squarely in the eyes, he gave her a sad smile. “You do realize Charlie that we can’t go back. What’s happened between us has changed our relationship forever.”

Charlie’s heart dipped. She couldn’t allow him to say anymore. She didn’t want to hear that it was over – even their friendship. “Evan, if we tried, I mean really tried, we could work this out, we could put this all behind us so we can have our friendship back.”

His eyes widened in surprise. “Is that what you really want, Charlie? Do you want to ignore what happened between us?”

Searching his leaf green eyes, she shook her head, battling with herself about whether or not to tell him how she truly felt. One part of her was afraid of loosing his friendship forever if they continued. The other part of her longed for him to be a part of her life, not just as friend but as lover and beyond. The thought excited and terrified her just the same. To tell him such a thing would be a huge gamble.

What did he want to do?

Looking at him tenderly, her mind made up, she said, “Evan, we have a special friendship and always will. But I’m afraid of what will happen if we don’t ignore these feelings between us. What type of relationship will we have? How far do you want it to go? What will happen to our friendship if it doesn’t work out? There are so many questions.”

He nodded. “But you didn’t say what you wanted. Do you want to ignore it, Charlie?” he pressed. He had to know.

Looking up into his eyes, defying logic and her fears, she shook her head. “It’s too strong, Evan. Too strong for me to deny,” she said in a low, husky voice.

Suddenly a growing panic enveloped her. What if he didn’t feel the same way?

“It’s too strong for me, too, Charlie. Honestly, I’ve never felt this way before. It’s incredible and it scares the hell out of me.”

Charlie rosy lips formed a smile, her heart hammered in her chest with excitement. “I’ve never felt this way before either, Evan.” Her voice had a breathless sound to it and she scolded herself for it. She wanted to be as sophisticated as the other women Evan had dated. Evan was a sophisticated man.

“Charlie, I want to explore this. I feel this great need to do so.”

Her eyes lit up. “Me too,” she said eagerly. “Evan, do…do…do you want this to be just sexual? Or something more?” She nervously looked away from him hoping to God he would say what she wanted to hear. It would kill her if he said just sex.

His eyes turned tender. Cupping her cheek he said the only thing he could say, “Charlie, you deserve so much more than a brief affair.”

Her skin tingled from his gentle touch. Without thinking, she nuzzled her cheek deeper into his warm palm, enjoying the feel of his skin against hers. She didn’t even realize that Evan never did answer her question.

***

Life was good, Charlie thought, as she stepped out of her bathtub. Wonderful, in fact. Her lips still tingled from Evan’s kisses last night; her breasts felt heavy from the memory of his lightly running his tongue over her nipples and suckling them. And then while doing that, he put his finger inside her…

Feeling heat and moisture between her thighs, Charlie blushed. Their lovemaking had been uninhibited, each time Charlie learning something new, soaring higher and higher with each climax. With Evan, she had discovered a whole new aspect of herself, a sensual, physical side. She’d discovered secrets about her body that she never knew existed. It was an awakening, and she couldn’t be happier that Evan was the man to awaken her, to teach her, to caress her body with his eyes, hands, tongue.

Grabbing a towel off the top of the wicker clothes hamper, she smiled and thought of her father. He had always said when something bad happened, God would send along something good to make up for it. She smiled, thinking he certainly did. She’d lost her father, but on the other side of that sorrow, she’d found happiness and a wonderfully close and intimate relationship with Evan, something she would never have thought possible.

What would her father think of this? She wondered if he would have approved of Evan now since they were dating. Of course, she would have never told her father they were sleeping together. She would have always maintained her claim of virginity. If he ever had any evidence that she was sleeping with a man, he would definitely have forced them to marry, making her keep up her end of the bargain. The bargain was a promise she made to him when she was about to leave for college. She’d promised that she would only sleep with the man she was going to marry. And she kept that promise. Until now. She had no idea where this relationship with Evan was headed.

Sadness filled her heart. Of course, it was silly to even think like this. Her father wasn’t here, but she wished he were. More than anything, she wanted his acceptance of Evan, his acknowledgement that Evan was a good, honorable man. Thinking back to the bitter argument they’d had before he died, what hurt the most was her father’s attack against Evan. Evan was her best friend, the most important person in her life besides her father. Her father had wanted her to choose between he and Evan, and in a way she did. She’d chosen St. Louis, Evan being among one of the many reasons. She’d chosen happiness, and she knew she would never have had it living at home with her father.

She wasn’t going to allow herself to feel guilty about doing what she thought was right. Her only regret was that her father refused to try to look at the situation from her point of view.

Knowing her father was looking down upon her now, she hoped he wasn’t too disappointed with her. Surely he could see how happy she was, how special Evan was to her, how she loved him.

Love?

Suddenly she looked up into the mirror into her reflection.

Did she truly love Evan? To be honest, she supposed she had always loved him – first as a friend, now as a man with whom she was having an intimate relationship.

Charlie felt elation, like a heavy weight had been lifted off her chest. She loved Evan. She supposed it had been there all along but it took something like this to realize it.

But did he love her?

The thought stuck in her mind like a small thorn in her foot, and the joy she was feeling diminished.

He must certainly feel something for her. The past two weeks had been wonderful between them. They’d talked to each other often, met at a nice downtown restaurant on their lunch days, and spent the weekends together either at her apartment or at his townhouse. On the weekends not only did they make love when they were together, but they went to the movies and watched baseball games on TV. However, they never stayed the night together. Why Charlie didn’t know, but it seemed important somehow for them to sleep in their own beds at night, to keep some separation. That he cared for her she was certain. Love her? She didn’t know.

Charlie suddenly wondered where all this was headed. What if he never grew to love her? She knew she couldn’t remain in a relationship without love being a part of it. Without love a relationship could not survive. And they could never go back to their friendship. Never. There would be too much hurt.

Evan never did answer her question, she realized.

“Evan, do you want this to be just sexual? Or something more?”

He never did answer it. Did he deliberately not do so? Thinking back to that night, Charlie decided he’d merely forgotten about it just as she had. She certainly hoped so. Too much was at stake. For both of them.

Looking up at the clock on the wall, Charlie pushed the worry from her mind. Evan was taking her out tonight, and she was running late.

Sweat trickled down Evan’s forehead into his eyes. His lungs felt like they were on fire. The hard muscles in his thighs burned with every lunge he took.

“Ha! I have you this time!”

“Not yet!” Evan gritted his teeth and used all the strength he had to hit the small ball that was heading towards him. He watched with satisfaction as the ball bounced off the wall at an angle and speed that made it impossible for Alan to hit.

Alan dropped his racquet to his side and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. “Jesus. Where’d you get all that energy? I’ve never seen you play so well.”