What About Charlie? (32 page)

Intellectually, it had been staring her in the face for a long time. But only within the last few days had she come to accept it as truth. She was still doing her exercises, but was no longer spending hours each day doing them. Now it was only thirty minutes – just enough to keep her hip strong and flexible.

With that realization, Charlie felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She was finally accepting herself for who she was. It felt good. It was a relief. Only now had she realized how much precious time she had wasted obsessing about her hip. It had done her no good but make her miserable from worry and fear, taking her focus away from what truly mattered: her happiness and the happiness of those around her. Looking back over the past several months, she felt ashamed at the extent of her self-absorption and dependence upon Evan.

She had become so caught up in herself that she hadn’t noticed how unhappy Evan had become until now. She’d just noticed this morning the dark circles under his eyes, the same eyes that had once sparkled were now dull. He wouldn’t look at her or speak to her unless he had to. He was rarely ever home. He did his thing; she did hers. Their marriage, if one could call it that, was in a shambles. The Boston trip had only succeeded in exposing new issues for them to overcome. She’d tried to talk to him about Elena, to really gauge his feelings for her, but he resisted, becoming angry with her for bringing it up. So it ended at a stalemate, a simmering anger between them that seemed to grow a little more each day, bringing them to the point where they were now - separate lives.

Charlie knew some major decisions had to be made. First of all, she needed to discover who she was because she was no longer the same person before the accident. She’d become negative and self-centered. She’d lost the very independence that she had so prided herself in having. In order to move on with her life, she had to once again reclaim the Charlie she once had been. Would she be able to do it? What worried her most was what would Evan say when she told him her plan.

Later that night, when Evan arrived home, Charlie went to look for him in his study. He’d already eaten at the hospital, as usual, and had instantly retreated to his study when he arrived home.

She knocked on the closed door.

“Come in.”

She hesitantly opened the door, her stomach rolling. No longer could she talk to him like she once used to. Those days of openness and frankness between them were long gone. How was he going to react to what she was going to say? With anger? Resignation? Relief?

She hoped not relief.

“Do you have a minute?”

He looked up at her from behind his desk and leaned back in his chair, a wary look crossing his face as he motioned for her to sit down in the chair in front of his desk. Instead of sitting there, letting him be in the position of power, looking across the desk at her, she took one of the chairs in front of the fireplace, forcing him to be on the same level as her. It was important that they be on equal footing.

“What is this about, Charlie?” he asked, coming to sit across from her, looking irritated that she forced him to come sit across from her in front of the fireplace.

Charlie folded her hands on her lap and seemed to study them for several long seconds before looking back up at him. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, Evan. I look at myself and don’t like what I see.”

He raised his right eyebrow. “And what do you see?”

“I see a person who has lost herself. I’ve lost the independence I once held so dear; I’ve lost my zeal for life. I’ve lost my happiness. It seems like I’m spiraling down lower and lower, loosing a little more each day. I can’t go on like this. I have to regain what I’ve lost, Evan. I have to get it back if I ever want to really live again.”

His features didn’t change. He remained as stoic and guarded of his feelings as usual. “Is this where you tell me you want a divorce?”

“No!”

Did she see a flicker of relief cross his face?

Leaning forward, he rested his forearms on his thighs. “Then how do you plan on living again?” He kept his voice even, calm, as his eyes bored into hers.

She hated it when he looked at her like that. It was intimidating and very sexy at the same time. He was not going to intimidate her. “I’ve thought about this and think it would be best if I went up to the farm for a while.”

Evan felt his guts roll. That was all she needed to say, meaning she needed to get away from him. She may say she wasn’t leaving him’, but she was. It was like a knife in his chest. “I see.”

“Do you?”

Evan gave a sigh of defeat. He’d had a feeling this was coming but he’d hoped that somehow they could make it work. Of course, it was his fault. Perhaps if he’d only told her how he felt, things would be different. But he hadn’t let himself trust her with his heart. Now he was paying the price. He put his hand on his forehead then roughly raked his fingers through his hair. “I can’t make you happy, Charlie,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve tried though I think I’ve done a piss poor job of doing so. I’ve given you everything I can.”

Except love she wanted to shout. What about love?

“Have I treated you so badly?”

She shook her head. He’d given her every kind of material thing that she needed, but the thing she needed most, love, was absent. But how could she blame him? One can’t force oneself to love another. It has to come naturally. How can she fault him for something beyond his control?

“You need to figure out what you want,” he added. “You have to find the peace within yourself before you can find it in your life. Go, Charlie. Go and do what you need to do.”

Then he stood up and left the study, leaving her there feeling cold and alone.

The next afternoon Evan’s heart hung in his throat as he pulled into a parking space in front of his townhouse. All day long he’d wondered if she would really leave. He’d picked up the phone several times to call, but had put it down before he could dial the number. No, he would not call. She wanted her time alone, and he would grant her that request though it was killing him to let her go.

Now as he parked in front of the townhouse, his fears seemed to have come true. The red Volvo he’d bought Charlie only a few months earlier was not in its usual space. It was nowhere in sight. She could be running an errand, he thought hopefully, though he knew he was only kidding himself. Rushing into the townhouse, he raced to Charlie’s room. Checking her bathroom, he found her toothbrush and makeup gone. Jerking her closet door open, he saw that some of her clothes were gone, large gaping wholes where the clothes once hung.

****

”So,” Alan asked Evan as they sat across from each other in the hospital cafeteria eating lunch, “have you heard from Charlie since she’s been gone?”

Evan shook his head, hurt filling him that she had not called. How had their once close friendship deteriorate to this? “She left a voice mail letting me know she made it to the farm ok, but other than that I haven’t heard anything.”

“And you haven’t tried contacting her?”

“No. God knows I want to. But I want to give her the time to herself that she requested. She is right in a way. There are some major decisions to be made and I don’t want to unduly influence her. I’ve been thinking, trying to see things from her perspective. When I proposed she had no real choice. She was basically forced into marrying me. And to tell the truth I would have never proposed to her if it hadn’t been for her accident. She needs to make sense of everything and decide what she wants to do. And I suppose that applies to me, too.”

“And what do you want to do?”

“I’ve made it perfectly clear that I want a real marriage, a family. What she wants, I don’t really know. I’ve tried my best to give her what she needs, but I guess it’s not been good enough.”

“How’s your family taking the news?”

“I haven’t told them anything. I’m not until I know what’s going to happen. My mom called last night asking if we have any “news” for her – namely if she’s going to be a grandmother. She wanted to speak to Charlie. I had to make an excuse that Charlie was at the store. It was damned uncomfortable not being totally truthful with her, but Mom would be devastated if I told her we were separated though Charlie insisted this was not a separation.” Evan shook his head. “It’s a damn mess, Alan. A damn mess. One that I walked into with open eyes and a heart full of hope.”

That night Evan could not get Charlie out of his mind. Wherever he looked, there were vivid reminders of her, from the sports memorabilia she’d purchased for him that was now in a glass cabinet to the pinball machine he had in the corner of his study. Charlie had been especially good at playing pinball. Funny to think that he’d never realized until now that after she moved in with him, he’d never once witnessed her playing pinball. How come he had never noticed? Had he been so self-absorbed that he’d never noticed something as obvious as that?

He had a burning desire to call her, but had made a firm resolve not to, to leave her be. But he kept staring at the phone, thinking about Charlie, about how somewhere along the line he’d failed them both. He could call just to make sure she was all right, he told himself. It wasn’t good for her to be all by herself at the farm in the middle of nowhere. But Evan knew that was only an excuse. As silly and sentimental as it sounded, he simply longed to hear her sweet, husky voice even if it was only the word hello before she discovered that it was him on the other end of the line, hanging up on him. It was pathetic of him to be so weak. But was weakness always so bad?

Finally giving in, he picked up the phone and dialed her number, his heart thumping harder after each subsequent ring. She finally answered the phone after the fifth one.

“Charlie.”

The line was silent for a moment. “Evan.” Her voice was cool, guarded.

“I…uh…was calling to see if everything was going ok, to see if you needed anything. I hope I’m not bothering you,” he added feeling like a chump for not thinking of anything better to say.

“No. No, you’re not bothering me,” she said, her voice warming with each word. “I’m glad you called. It’s good to hear your voice.”

She let his last comment slide. There was no point in revisiting that horrible episode when she first met his mother. “So, do you have any plans for your birthday?”

“I haven’t thought about it. I suppose I’ll go play racquetball with Alan.”

“That’s no way to spend a birthday. Did you notice your birthday falls on the same weekend as Fourth of July this year? Why don’t you come up to the farm and celebrate your birthday here? We could have a nice dinner and then go up town and watch the fireworks show. It’s not as extravagant as St. Louis’ show, but it’s nice just the same.”

Was he hearing her right? She was inviting him there? Hope soared in his heart that perhaps there was hope, but he quickly squelched the euphoria. He should read no more into it other than a friendly invitation.

“That sounds good, Charlie. I should be able to arrange my schedule to take a few days off.”

Had she made up her mind? he wondered. If so, what had she decided? He badly wanted to ask her. He opened his mouth but quickly clamped it tightly shut before he could utter a word. No, he wouldn’t ask. He wouldn’t press her. To tell the truth, he was fearful of what her answer would be.

****

Charlie hummed to herself as she grated cheese for the macaroni and cheese she was making for lunch. Evan was coming today. He was due to arrive sometime late morning or early afternoon according to an email he sent her. He didn’t give a specific time.