What Endures (20 page)

“Well I hope that answer is ‘no’ then” she said lightly.

“You don’t have to lie, Megan.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I remember what I was like as a teenager.”

“You are not like that! How could you think that?”

“How could I not?” He indicated the house. “Those people raised me! That’s what I come from!” He looked back at her. “Besides, look how I was with you after the press conference. Seek and destroy.”

“Jason! You were mad. And you had the right to be. That. . .that wasn’t. . .” She stopped and looked at him. “You can’t really believe that you’re like that. I mean we all have our ugly moments, but they don’t define who we are. Not unless we let them.”

“That’s just it!” he cried. “I don’t know! I can’t remember! I don’t remember all these things. I don’t remember how I’m supposed to feel about anyone or anything! I could have been the biggest ass in the world and I wouldn’t know because I don’t remember!”

Her heart contracted at the sound of the sheer frustration in his voice. And she felt the anger well up inside her again. But this wasn’t anger directed at the Kincaids, but at herself. She had forgotten, selfishly, that Jason was having just as hard a time of this as she was.

Because he usually appeared, at least outwardly, so calm and confident, it was easy to forget just how hard it must be for him to deal with losing such a large part of his life. And she had forgotten. She had forgotten how hard it must be for him to be around people who knew him, yet he didn’t know in return. She had forgotten that as hard as it was for her to look at him and remember, it must be equally hard for him to look at her and not be able to remember.

She had spent so much time considering how hard it was for her that she had forgotten that they were just two sides of the same coin.  Only Jason seemed to have it worse. He didn’t have the same comforting memories to draw from. There was nothing but a void there for him.

“Hey,” she said, drawing his attention back to her. “In the spirit of our compromise, I will honestly say that you are a sweet, kind, generous and loving person. You’re one of the best people I know.” She smiled. “I mean yes, you have your moments where you’re a world class jerk but you know, I have my bitchy moments too so it all balances out.”

The corners of his mouth lifted slightly. “I can’t see you being bitchy.”

She grinned. “Wait until next week rolls around and my monthly cycle hits.”

He chuckled then sank down on the bench. “I knew about my mom’s affair?”

“You found out in college.” She reached for his hand and squeezed. “You were pissed for a while but you guys have worked through it.”

He dropped his head back against the bench, staring up at the darkened sky. “I just. . .I only remember how horrible that summer was. She just took off, leaving me with my dad and he was. . .” Jason closed his eyes. “I was so scared and alone that summer and my dad kept bullying me about baseball and the relentless drills and. . .” He shook his head. “That’s what I remember and it’s probably unfair to get mad at her for that but. . .”

“Jason, it’s okay,” she soothed. “You’re allowed to feel whatever you want. There’s no fair way to deal with this remember?”

He expelled a loud breath. “You were right.”

“I was?”

“When you said that no one can deal with 15 years worth of memories all at once.” He rubbed his temples. “’Cause I’m dealing with what? A few years worth and it’s. . .”

“You don’t have to deal with it all at once.”

“But I do!” he protested. “I’m tired of playing catch-up Megan!”

“Catch-up?” she repeated, confused.

“That’s what I feel like I’ve been doing these last few months. Ever since I woke up in that hospital, I’ve been trying to catch up with everyone else. Trying to catch up on the current news. . .the current music. . .movies. . .TV shows. The current sports statistics. I didn’t even know my batting average until I was prepping for the press conference.”

He scrubbed his hand down his face. “Trying to catch-up on who I know, how I know them. Trying to catch up to what people are talking about.” He gestured toward the house. “Like tonight. I mean when the foundation came up I was actually happy for a second there because it was finally something I did know about. But then the very next instant, I was back trying to catch up again.”

“I need to remember things. I have to. So I have to deal with it all.” He sighed. “But after tonight, it’s starting to scare me. What else am I going to find out?” He looked at her intently. “Am I going to find out that I cheated on you? Or you cheated on me? Is that why we divorced? Or was it something even worse? Were we like my parents? Because if we were then-”

“No,” she cut in firmly. “No. We didn’t cheat on each other. That wasn’t why.”

He stared at her before he sighed tiredly, looking away. “See? You just gave me the perfect opening. I could ask and I know you’d tell me, but I don’t know if I want to know. It scares me ‘cause I don’t know if I can deal with it. How am I supposed to feel about things? I mean I worked through the issues I had with my parents right?”

“Jason you don’t-“

“But I don’t remember working through that. So how am I supposed to feel about them? The memories I have of my mom, she was miserable most of the time and then she was just gone. And my Dad?” He shook his head. “So how do I feel about them now? How do I connect my feelings? How do I connect what I know, what people tell me, to what I feel? How do I feel what I’m supposed to feel?” He sighed in frustration. “Sometimes I think I’m going to spend the rest of my life playing catch up and that scares the hell out of me.”

“You don’t have to feel anything that you don’t,” she said quietly. And the instant the words were out of her mouth, she had a revelation. Wasn’t that what her internal discord was about? What she felt and what she was or wasn’t supposed to feel? That constant tug-of-war between her head and her heart?

She never realized until then that he had been going through the same struggle. What his head told him and what he just felt. Two sides of the same coin. Just then, she had what she had been searching for since Jason’s accident. A moment of clarity.

She expelled a breath and grabbed his hand, pulling him up with her. ‘Come on.”

“Megan, what-“

“We’re escaping.”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“That should do it.” Jason stood and brushed the sand from his hands.

Megan smiled and handed him a lighter. “You do the honors.”

He flicked the lighter and the small flame appeared instantly. He held the flame under the crumpled wad of newspaper until the paper caught fire. Once the flame had started to eat through the paper, he tossed it down onto the small campfire that he had just finished constructing. It took several minutes but the fire finally caught and soon, it was burning brightly as the firewood crackled and sent sparks shooting up into the dark night sky.

“You sure we’re allowed to do this?” he asked her once again.

She was kneeling, straightening a blanket against the sand. She shrugged. “Not entirely.”

“Megan?”

She smiled. “Trust me.”

He chuckled and shook his head. An hour ago he was having the most miserable birthday ever. Granted, he didn’t remember all his birthdays but he would have bet any sum of money that the dinner with his parents and grandparents would have ranked at the top of his ‘worst birthdays ever’ list.

He stared at the flames, still not believing what he had learned at his birthday dinner. If he was having trouble dealing with his family, what had happened tonight wasn’t going to help much.

His mother had abandoned him for her lover. His father seemed to have only grown more vindictive with the passing years. His grandparents were still together but he hadn’t sensed much love between them. Just resentment and bitterness.

“Hey.” Her soft voice behind him startled him, causing him to jump slightly. “Sorry.” He turned to find her smiling at him.

Jason returned her smile, gazing at her, transfixed. He had been staring at her a lot in the past hour.  She was as gorgeous as ever, even more so in the dim light of the fire. Her hair loose and blowing gently with the breeze, her hazel eyes seemed lighter in the darkness, her skin glowing.  But something about her was different. Since she had grabbed his hand to lead him away, something about her actions, about her, was completely different. But he didn’t know what.

“All ready,” she said, gesturing for him to join her on the blanket. There was a bottle of champagne, two glasses and the cake box that she had picked up at bakery on their way here. Here being on the beach outside the beach house. As far as escapes went, this was pretty good. The beach house was far enough away from the neighboring houses so that this stretch of beach was private and isolated. At night, that feeling was heightened. The lights from their next door neighbor were but a dim flickering in the distance.

The night air was cool and dry and carried the faintest scent of the Chesapeake Bay. He could hear the gentle lapping of the water against the shore, and there was a hypnotic musicality to it. The sand was cool and soft beneath his feet and comfortingly oozed between his toes with each step he took. It felt as if they were in a completely different world here.

“Think you can get this open?” she asked, holding out the champagne bottle. She gave him a warning look. “Be careful though. I think I shook it up a little carrying it down from the house.”

He took the bottle from her and began to open it. It was weird. There were things he just knew how to do, yet if he thought about it, he couldn’t really remember learning how to do them. Shaving. Programming his entertainment center. Opening champagne bottles.

Pop!

“Whoa!” he said as the champagne came surging up and began to run down the side of the bottle.

Megan laughed and quickly held out the glasses for him to pour the bubbling liquid into. She waited until he had planted the champagne bottle in the sand before she handed him one of the glasses.

“I guess your idea of always having a champagne bottle chilled finally paid off, hmm?” she asked with a smile.

“My idea?”

Her eyes flashed briefly with an emotion he couldn’t read in the dimness of the firelight. Her expression remained the same though, relaxed and smiling. She raised her glass. “This calls for a toast. To your 28th birthday.” She looked him in the eyes and said quietly. “May all your wishes come true.”

She clinked her glass against his and took a big swallow. She looked at him, still holding his glass and smiled teasingly. “The toast is no good unless you take a sip too you know.”

“I just. . .” He sighed. It would be easy to just go along he knew. But he didn’t even know what he was going along with here.

“You just what?”

“What’s going on Megan?”

“What are you talking about?”

He made a sweeping gesture around the beach. “This. All of this. I mean it’s great. Don’t get me wrong but. . . what. . .what is this supposed to be? I mean. . .”

“I would have thought that’d be obvious by now.” She smiled. “We’re celebrating your birthday.”

“I get that. I just. . .it just seems. . .sudden.”

She looked at him for a beat before she took another big gulp of the champagne. “Remember what you said on the field when you came out here?”

“I said a lot of things,” he hedged.

“That’s true,” she conceded. “One of the things you said was that it, you know, it being this whole situation with you. . .with me. . .us. . .whatever, it felt like we were both being punished for something that neither one of us was responsible for. And you know what occurred to me tonight?” He shook his head. “That you were right. It has felt like we’ve been. . .that we are being punished. . .for something that isn’t our fault. And I don’t know about you but these last few months have been, well depressing doesn’t quite sum it up. I mean don’t get me wrong, there have been a few nice moments here and there but overall it’s been kind of a downer don’t you think?”

He was about to agree but she pressed on. “So that’s what occurred to me tonight. That and the fact that your father was right.” She gave him a knowing look. “You know how scary that is, especially after what happened at dinner? Realizing that Bruce Kincaid is actually right about something? But he is. Today’s your birthday and this one we should definitely celebrate. You know I’ve been so caught up in the depressing side of all of this, you know with what I lost. . .what you lost. . .we lost. . .that I forgot that I didn’t lose one very important thing.” She smiled. “You.”

“So tonight, we’re gonna celebrate. Your birthday. You surviving the accident. Us. . . .” She stopped and considered it. “Well, us trying to figure out how to deal with this all. We’re gonna stop being so miserable because miserable has been like my default setting for last three months or so and quite frankly that’s a sucky default setting. So I’m changing it.”

He stared at her, trying to process everything she had said. He knew Megan well enough by now to know that she tended to ramble at times. Oddly though, he understood. It was exactly what drove him. If he focused too much on what he lost, he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed most days. So he told himself to focus on getting better, on getting his life back. It was just, when things like tonight’s dinner with his family happened, he became unsure of whether trying to get his life back would really be better.          

She was looking at him questioningly, as if expecting an answer. He sighed. “I get what you’re saying Megan, but. . .”

She held her hand up, stopping him. “But you need to deal with things?” He nodded. “So deal with it tomorrow.” She smiled. “Come on, Jason. Just for tonight, let’s just forget all about the real world and how
hard
it is. Can’t we forget all those problems. . .issues. . .whatever and just have fun? One night of celebrating?” She stretched her arms out to her side and leaned her head back slightly, looking up at the night sky. “Don’t you think the Gods. . .fate. . .whoever. . .owes us that much?” She looked back at him. “That we owe ourselves that much?” She leaned down and picked up the champagne bottle to pour herself more champagne. “Besides, those same problems and issues are still going to be there tomorrow. One night ignoring them isn’t going to change that.” She finished refilling her glass and turned back to him. “Are you really that eager to deal with all of that?”