Read What to Expect the First Year Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the First Year (65 page)
Would you be happy being left alone to spend the day with a perfect stranger? Probably not. And the same could likely be said about your baby, too (less so in the early months, when any loving pair of arms will doâmore so once baby becomes more parent-centric). To ease the transition to a new care provider, make sure she's no stranger (no matter how perfect) to baby. Before you leave them alone together for the first time, introduce baby and babysitter so they can get to know each other.
Your prospective care provider should spend at least a full paid day with you and your baby, getting to know him or her, but also becoming familiar with your home, your parenting style, and your household routines. That will give you a chance to make suggestions, and her a chance to ask questions.
It will also give you a chance to see the care provider providing careâand a chance to change your mind about her if you don't like what you see. Just be careful about judging the babysitter on your baby's initial reaction to the caregiverâat least early on, when, depending on his or her stage of development, a strong preference for you (especially when you're around) is normal. Instead, look to the sitter's reaction to your baby's reaction. (Is she patient, calm, and cajoling while trying to win over baby's affectionsâor does she seem stressed and spooked?) It's also a good idea to leave the sitter with your baby for a short time that first dayâand if your schedule is flexible, to leave for a half day next time or at least before you leave for a full day.
Your baby will probably adjust to a new care provider most easily when he or she is under 6 months old, and may take much longer once stranger anxiety appears on the scene (usually sometime between 6 and 9 months;
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If it's true what they say (and it is) that there's nothing that a mom can do that a dad can't do equally well if not better (besides breastfeed, that is), then it's also true that there's nothing that a female nanny can do that a male nanny can't do equally well if not better. Which is why more and more men are signing up to provide childcareâand why more and more parents are hiring them as nannies. In fact, this newer breed of childcare providers even has a name: manny. Though still a minority in the childcare business, the ranks of qualified mannies are growing fast. Who says a good manny is hard to find?
It's always smart to hire a childcare provider on a trial basis so that you can evaluate her performance before committing for the long termâand not to keep this arrangement to yourself. It's fairer to her and to you if you make clear in advance that the first 2 weeks or month on the job (or any specified period) will be provisional. During this time, observe your baby. Does he or she seem happy, clean, and alert when you come home? Or more tired than usual, and more cranky? Does it seem a diaper change has been made fairly recently? Important, too, is the care provider's frame of mind at day's end. Is she relaxed and comfortable? Or tense and irritable, obviously eager to hand back your bundle? Is she quick to tell you about her day with the baby, reporting achievements as well as any problems she's notedâor does she routinely tell you only how long the baby slept and how many ounces of the bottle were emptied, or, worse, how long the baby cried? Does she seem mindful of whose baby she's caring for, respectful of your decisions, and accepting of your feedback (and constructive criticism, if any, of her care)? Or does she seem to feel that she's in charge now? Does it appear that she ignored basic safety protocol (you instructed her that there be nothing in the crib but your babyâbut you returned home to find a rolled blanket on each side of your sweet bundle ⦠and a plush toy, too)?
If you're not happy with the new caregiver (or if she's clearly not happy with the job), start a new search. If your evaluation leaves you uncertain, you might try arriving home early and unannounced to get a look at what's really happening in your absence. Or you could ask friends or neighbors who might see the babysitter in the park, at the supermarket, or walking down the street how she seems to be doing. If a neighbor reports your usually happy baby is doing a lot of crying while you're away, that should be a red flag. Another option: Consider video surveillance with a “nanny cam” (see
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If everything and everyone seems to be fine except you (you're anxious every time you leave your baby, you're miserable while you're away, you keep looking for fault in a babysitter who's doing a good job), it's possible that it's the childcare arrangement, not the childcare provider, that isn't working out. Maybe you can find an alternative to full-time outside-the-home work or school that allows you to stay at home with your baby part or all of the dayâor maybe a group care situation will actually suit you and your baby best.
Hiring a nanny comes with its share of paperwork. By law, you are required to apply for federal and state household employment tax ID numbers and to pay half of your nanny's Social Security and Medicare payments, as well as her unemployment taxes. Make sure, too, that the person you hire is legally allowed to work in this country (hiring an illegal immigrant is against the law)âthere's a form to complete to verify employment eligibility. A lot of trouble, true, but there are perks for abiding by the law (besides avoiding hassles with the IRS for noncompliance). If your company offers a flexible spending account, you may be able to get a tax break on the money you use to pay for childcare.
Do you ever wonder what really goes on when you're not at home? Does the nanny spend all day providing your baby with loving, nurturing care ⦠or texting and watching TV? Does she coo, cuddle, and dote on your infant, or leave him or her strapped in an infant seat or crying in the crib? Does she follow your instructions to the letter, or throw them out the window the moment you're out the door? Is she the Mary Poppins you hoped you hired, or the nanny that nightmares are made ofâor more likely someone in between?
To make sure the babysitter they've chosen is close to everything they think she is, or to determine if she's far from it (especially if some red flags have been raised), more and more parents are turning to so-called “nanny cams”âhidden video surveillance to watch those who are watching their children. If you're considering installing such a system, consider the following first:
The equipment.
You can either buy or rent cameras, or hire a service that will set up an elaborate surveillance system throughout your home (you can also ask your home security company if they can set it up for you). The least expensive optionâa single camera hidden in a room your baby and the babysitter are likely to spend the most time inâcan provide you with a glimpse of what goes on while you're away, but it won't give you a full picture (abuse or neglect might be occurring in a different room, for instance). A wireless camera hidden inside a stuffed animal is more expensive but is also more inconspicuous, and since it can be moved from room to room, you'll be able to view different rooms on different days. A system that monitors the entire home will obviously offer the clearest picture of your baby's care but is much more expensive.
Keep in mind, too, that how well the surveillance works will depend on how well you survey it. You'll need to be committed to recording at least several days a week (daily would be best) and watching the video recordings regularly, or monitoring baby and caregiver in real time on your desktop at work or by using an app. Otherwise you might not catch abuse or neglect until days after it occurs.
Your rightsâand your nanny's.
Laws regarding covert video recording vary from state to state, though in most cases it's considered legal to videotape a care provider at work in your own home without her knowledge. Your equipment supplier should be able to inform you about the legal considerations in your state. The ethical issues are another matterâand very much open for debate. Some parents believe that a nanny cam is necessary for their child's safety, and that outweighs any ethical concerns. Other parents feel that nanny cams are an invasion of the sitter's privacy, and that introducing one implies a fundamental lack of trust. Of course, you can make surveillance a condition of the job, and you can inform the nanny ahead of time that your security system records your home at all times, so it's likely she'll be watched as well. This way, if she accepts the job, she's also accepting the video monitoring.
Your motivation.
If you're just eager for some peace of mind, a nanny cam might just buy it. On the other hand, if you're already feeling uncomfortable enough about the childcare provider you've hired that you're compelled to spy on her with a nanny cam, perhaps that person shouldn't be in your home at all. In that case, you might be wiser to trust your instincts, save your money, and find your baby a sitter you have confidence in.
If you do decide to install a nanny cam, don't use it as a way of screening prospective childcare providers. Any babysitter should be thoroughly screened before she's left home alone with your baby.
A good daycare program can offer some significant advantages. In the best of them, trained personnel provide a well-organized program specifically geared to a baby's development and growth, as well as opportunities for play and learning with other babies and children. Because such facilities are not dependent on a single provider, as in-home care is, there is generally no crisis if a teacher is sick or leaves, though your baby may have to adjust to a new one. And when the daycare is licensed, there may be safety, health, and in some cases even educational monitoring of the program. It is also usually more affordable than in-home care, making it not only the best option but also the only option for many parents.
The potential disadvantages for babies, however, can also be significant. First of all, not all programs are equally good. Even in a good one, care is less individualized than it is in a baby's own home, there are more children per caregiver, and teacher turnover may be high. There is less flexibility in scheduling than in a more informal setting, and if the center follows a public school
calendar, it may be closed on holidays when you're working. The cost, though typically less expensive than good in-home care, is still usually fairly high, unless subsidized by government or private sources (as in corporate daycare). Possibly the greatest disadvantage is the germ spreading that goes on in daycare centers. Since many employed parents don't have another option when their children have colds and other minor ills, they often send them to the center anywayâwhich is why babies who attend them end up with more than their share of ear infections and other bugs. The unexpected upside to all this early extra germ exposure: often, a toughened immune system (and fewer colds and infections) later on in childhood.
Certainly, there are some excellent daycare facilitiesâthe trick may be finding such a facility in your area that you can afford and that has space for your baby.
You can get the names of local daycare facilities (which may be nonprofit, cooperative, or for profit) through recommendations from friends and local message board buddies whose parenting style is similar to yours, by searching online resources for lists of childcare referrals or referral services, by checking with the state regulatory agency (the state health or education department should be able to refer you), or by asking around at work. You can also ask your baby's doctor for suggestions. Once you have a few possibilities, you'll need to start evaluating them.
Daycare centers range in quality from top-of-the-line to bottom-of-the-barrel, with most falling in the middle range. Online reviews from other parents may give you some clues to the quality of a particular facility, but you'll also want to dig deeper. To best evaluate a center you're considering, look for the following:
Licensing.
Most states license daycare facilities, checking them for sanitation and safety but not for the quality of care. Some states, however, don't even have adequate fire and sanitation regulations. (Check with your local fire and health departments if you have any questions.) Still, a license does provide some safeguardsâand is always preferable to unlicensed care.
A trained and experienced staff.
The head teachers, at least, should have degrees in early childhood education, and the entire staff should be trained and experienced in caring for infants, as well as trained in first aid and rescue techniques (such as CPR). The staff turnover should be lowâif there are several new teachers each year, beware.
A healthy and safe staff.
Ask if (or ask to see proof that) all caregivers are up-to-date on immunizations and have had complete medical checkups, including a TB test, and thorough background checks.
A good teacher-to-baby ratio.
There should be at least 1 staff person for every 3 infants. If there are fewer, a crying baby may have to wait until someone is free to offer comfort.
Moderate size.
A huge daycare facility might be less well supervised and operated than a smaller oneâthough there are exceptions to this rule. Also, the more children, the more chance for the spread of illnesses. Whatever the size of the facility, there should be adequate space for each child and no overcrowding.
Separation of age groups.
Infants younger than 1 year should not be mixed with toddlers and older children, for safety, health, attention, and development reasons.
A loving atmosphere.
The staff should seem to genuinely like little ones and enjoy caring for them. Children should look happy, alert, and clean. Be sure to visit the facility unannounced in the middle or toward the end of the day, when you will get a more accurate picture of what the center is like than you would first thing in the morning. And be wary of any program that does not allow unannounced parent visits.