When All Hell Breaks Loose (57 page)

Just like the family camping trip, you will want to reemphasize the importance of hand washing and keep things and people as clean as possible. When the modern conveniences that we take for granted are gone, people tend to get lazy about proper sanitation. DO NOT let your family become complacent about their sanitation practices or you will all suffer the consequences.

Safely Storing Scat

There may be times when the little man in the truck doesn't show up to take away your waste products for some while. You will be left holding the bag, so to speak, of your family's (and neighborhood's) health and safety. If you have the space or the land to dig a hole, bury your waste. Read the other sections on where and how to do so safely. Be mindful that local authorities might discourage you from burying human waste. If you don't have the space, you'll have to store it aboveground. Many people talk about burning their waste. While most of your toilet paper will burn, have you ever tried to burn a fresh turd, or even one that's a few weeks old? OK then. . .this is where having a couple of extra-large garbage cans with tight-fitting lids will come in handy. These should be lined with paper and/or plastic trash bags. Even if the lid is already a tight fit, anchor it down with ropes or bungee cords and stake the entire garbage can to the ground or tie it off to a tree or shrub so it can't be knocked over. Arizona has white-collared peccaries—wild piglike creatures—that love to push over people's trash cans and eat the contents. Roaming dogs can manage just as well, and you can imagine the result. Add a small amount of household disinfectant, a thin layer of quicklime, or wood ashes between each "deposit" from your emergency toilet until the garbage can is reasonably full. These cans can be stored if need be until the public sewage system is up and running or emptied into safe ground pits if they become available. Insecticides and deodorants can be used to control odors and bugs breeding in storage containers that can't be immediately emptied.

What about Apartment and Office Building Poopers?

Instead of using large garbage cans to store poop, apartment dwellers can use smaller covered pails or whatever sealable containers are available. As mentioned, sealable five-gallon buckets can be double-lined with garbage bags and used as an emergency potty as is. Sprinkle or spray your fresh deposit with a disinfectant before sealing up the bucket for the next user. You can also add shredded newspaper as described below between the garbage bags before putting them in the five-gallon bucket.

Waterproof paper containers, similar to barf bags on airlines, should be kept as portable, disposable potties in places where yards and conventional toilets are not an option. After spraying bleach disinfectant on the contents, seal the bags individually and store them in doubled- or tripled-up large-capacity garbage bags (if pails or other sealable containers are not available) until an opportunity to properly dispose of them arises. You're not living in ancient Rome, so don't throw these parcels out the window to help start a disease epidemic. What comes around goes around, so take responsibility for your poop and pee. You can make your own portable potty bags by putting a large grocery bag inside another with a layer of shredded newspaper or some other absorbent material between the bags. Keep a good supply of grocery bags, large-capacity trash bags, old newspapers, and a gallon of 5.25 or 6 percent household bleach around the apartment or office for just such emergencies.

No Toilet Paper? No Problem!

"I'
VE LEARNED. . .THAT LIFE IS LIKE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER
. T
HE CLOSER IT GETS TO THE END, THE FASTER IT GOES
."

—A
NDY
R
OONEY

 

Toilet paper is a recent phenomenon. My own grandparents wiped their butts with corncobs and the good ol' Sears and Roebuck catalog. Some corncobs were softened in water before use and even dyed pretty colors to spiffy up the outhouse decor. Royalty of days past, believing their butts more sensitive than those of the working class, used strips of silk and goose feathers, still attached to the dead goose's skinned neck for maximum wipability.

I don't allow students to take toilet paper into the field on my survival classes. As I prepare them with this reality, I have seen many eyes go wide and faces turn white. God only knows what they're thinking. Some sit uncomfortably while others rage and protest as if their lives depended on the stuff. I have several reasons why I don't allow toilet paper during field courses, and the main one is simple. The last thing that should stress you out during a survival situation is what you're wiping your butt with. Once I instruct students how to go potty without using toilet paper, and they experiment with the information outdoors, the mystery is gone. It's no longer an "unknown variable" to place something other than Mr. Whipple's recommendation in contact with their backsides, and they are free from one more self-imposed limitation.

Cool Things to Wipe Your Butt with

Over the years my profession has led me to wipe with almost anything you can imagine that's not still moving, thorny, or has spines. In my more naïve years, I once wiped my butt with poison ivy on the third day of a month-long backpacking adventure, so I'm able to empathize with you about any non-toilet paper scenario your might find yourself facing. Below are a few of the safer items you have in your backyard, back lot, or in the garage. It's your job to identify any noxious plants particular to your area or personal sensitivities you may have.

Rocks
. Rocks are a favorite of mine as there seems to be a shape and size for every orifice, but watch out for the sharp parts. Note: If it's too hot to pick up, it's too hot to wipe with. Watch for critters such as scorpions or fire ants in the Southwest.

Sticks
. Be careful of sharp broken ends.

Grass. I like long grass. Pull up enough grass to create, when folded over onto itself, a thickly padded spoon-shaped utensil.

Leaves
. Beware of poisonous plants. Use several at a time, overlapped, or your fingers will bust through.

Snow
. An invigorating "wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee" experience that wipes and cleans at the same time.

Tree branches and shrubs
. You will quickly learn that some are "directional." Identify whether a plant might irritate (before using on your buttocks!) by rubbing some of the plant on your wrist or some other area less sensitive and critical to your comfort.

Rags
. There are dozens of uses for rags and this is one of them. Use them sparingly due to the other choices you have.

Newspaper
. Crumple it up a few times beforehand and the paper will become softer and more absorbent. It also works great for cleaning your windows; something about the printer's ink.

Magazines
. While somewhat slippery and oily feeling, crumpling up the pages can improve its wiping abilities. What better way to honor yet another enlightening article about Paris Hilton?