When It Rains: The Umbrella Collection (12 page)

In the middle of my rant, I heard a strange sound exuding from Evan
.  It sounded as if some form of food was spit out across the room and as I stormed away I noticed half regurgitated pieces of corn dripping down the corning ware.  I guess my assessment of Alex’s sexual orientation wasn’t as obvious as it seemed to me because the evidence has shown that Evan didn’t have a clue about his father’s same gender loving.

I hurried myself back up the steps and collapsed onto the ever present safe haven of my bed.
  I laid there sprawled out with my arms open at my sides and legs dangling over the edge.  I could feel the tears begin to well up. I was embarrassed and ashamed that my family noticed my failures and pointed them out to me.  I thought I was hiding my feelings from everyone and disguising my hurt but, I thought wrong.

“Way to go,” the
voice
said to me. 

There was a knock at my door, “Nor, Come out, please.
  We just want to talk to you,” it was Brian and I didn’t answer.

“Can you let me in, then?” he asked, but I still didn’t answer.
 

“Are you going to let him in you crybaby?” the
voice
added.

“No!”
 I cried out, both in answer to Brian and in response to the
voice
.

I need to get out of here.
  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I ran around my room collecting various things along the way: My socks, sneakers, jacket and put them all on.  My hand grabbed my purse and I unlocked the door.  Brian was leaning on my door from the outside so he stumbled in as I opened it.

“Nor?” he said as I flew past him in an effort to get away.
  I descended those steps on a mission to release myself of this intervention and feelings.  As I jumped over Diablo and was mid air Mike and John came down the hall screaming my name trying to get me to stop, but I didn’t listen.   

I ran out the front door, I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. I had no direction. I just wanted to be as far away from that house and those people
as I could. I knew in my heart they spoke truth, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. I wasn’t ready to believe that I was that far down the wrong path. I felt bombarded. I felt like they all piled on me, suffocating my existence and my will to breathe. 

My feet eventually stopped at the lake, a lake that I so often took long walks with Mom to talk about what was going on in school or what boy I liked. Dad took me here, too, to fish and there he would ask me the same questions as Mom, but when the boy question popped up I would deny, deny, deny. He probably wouldn’t like that back then I had a crush on his best friend’s son who would come over all the time to play with me as our fathers played poker outback on the porch.

I was succumbing to my feeling inside. I have never hated myself so much. My mind was twisting my thoughts rapidly; thoughts of Lauren screwing me over and being hurt by her and Adam, thoughts that Adam didn’t love me, Darren walking around Marty’s, Darren’s peach room, the gun in my mouth.   I felt I couldn’t breathe any longer and in doing so I conjured up a desire to die, to end it all without a second thought about life. I didn’t care about living, breathing, caring, touching, smelling, singing, or smiling. All I cared about was stopping; Stopping my heart, Stopping my breath, Stopping my blood from flowing, Stopping my life.  Hatred devoured my inner self and I no longer existed.  I was a shell of a person in desperate need to leave this earth.  Maybe, I should call Skylar.  Skylar will listen, she will come here.  I reached for my purse but realized I didn’t grab it and I felt my pockets and nothing. 

I kneeled on the ground at the water’s edge and cried deep painful wails.
  Out of the corner of my eye, a few tiny red flashing lights caught my attention.  It was the Washington Bridge, a bridge that I have driven across so often.  As the cool air caressed my wet face, a deep desire to be closer to that bridge poured over me.  I wanted to stand on the ledge and without hesitation jump to my death. I knew from the pit of my black soul that I would have leaped. I could see the whole picture from inside my head as if I was standing there on the ledge with the wind blowing through my hair. I’m looking down and I see the rushing water beneath me, then I jump and that same water getting closer and closer until SPLASH. I’m now, floating on top of the cold dark water with my face down, lying on my stomach, with no breath in my lungs, no blood being pumped through my veins, not a beat within my aching heart. I tried to get that video being played within my mind to stop, but it just wouldn’t.

The feelings and tension were piling up inside and I needed a release because I was spiraling farther down.
  I spotted a ragged old stone and picked it up.

“Do it,” whispered the
voice
.

I placed it on my forearm and scraped it across my skin as I rocked back and forth with intensity.
  It didn’t cut into my skin though, it just made it swell a bit and yes, I was disappointed with that. I felt nothing.  I was numb, my senses were gone.  I craved for it to break my skin as I continued to try and cut through my skin.

My attention went once again to the bridge and I contemplated walking there and then eyes settled onto the lake.
  The lake was right in front of me.  The wind was blowing slightly making the bed of water sway in the moonlight that shone down upon it.  Without thinking I stood up and methodically walked towards the cold water. 

“Get in the lake,” it spoke.
  I’m going to drown myself.  I was a puppet to the
voice
’s orders walking like a zombie into my death like it wanted me to.  As I stepped farther in, the water seeped into my shoes and socks then up my legs, waist and then my breasts.  I was now chin deep and was about to go deeper when I suddenly halted. I don’t know what made me.  My senses came back. I felt the sharp coldness of the water and smelled the fresh scent that radiated off the pine trees and overheard the sounds of owls making their presence known.  My vision and thinking was slightly clearer. 

I spun around and climbed out of their as fast as I could.
 

“What are you doing?
  Get back in there!” it yelled at me.  

I ran faster with urgency, pushing the water away with my calves and it splashing everywhere
.  I fell on the earth’s surface; with most of my stomach sprawled out in the dirt and legs curled up to the side. The dirt was filled with pebbles as I dug my fingers into it grabbing fists full of mud and grasping tight as I screamed “Ahhhhhhhh!” and cried endlessly.  “Help me,” I managed to get out between gut wrenching sobs.  My mouth was gaped opened as the wails exited my body and dirt was mixed in with my saliva and tears.

“No one is going to help you. You should have just killed yourself,” said the
voice.

I laid there for what seemed like hours and then I struggled to get up from my position to stand.
  My body was being weighed down by the saturated clothes that my body wore, the body that wasn’t strong enough to carry the weight of them and my emotions. 

“I couldn’t do it,” I said aloud to no one, but the
voice
.

“You have to do it.
  I can’t go on dealing with you.  Find an easier way, then.” 

Mike’s blue backpack and Pops’
 medicine cabinet became visions in my head, “I’ll just go to sleep and not wake up.”

It was a twenty min
ute walk back to the house.  As I began my trek back, the sounds of my soggy steps and the trail of water that I left behind as I walked made me feel even more pitiful.  I’m glad I didn’t run into anyone because I don’t know what I would have told them.  How would I explain being soaking wet and crying? Plus, I didn’t want anyone to stop my delusional path of destruction.

I was on our street when the pace of my steps began to get steadier knowing that the “easier way”
 is getting closer.  I turned into our winding driveway and walked up the front walkway that was etched in planted flowers.  They were Snowdrops, my mom’s favorite.  Still dripping, I quickly opened the front door and I heard the voice of Alex on the phone.

“If you see her, tell her to call us, alright, Sky?
  Bye.”

Then I heard John, “Hey man, have you seen Nor anywhere?
  No?  Alright, if you do can you let me know? See ya.”

As they were talking, I was bent down at Mike’s bag, reaching in to grab whatever bottle I could before I was caught.
  I silently ran up the steps and into my room.  I tiptoed around as to not make a sound and alert anyone I was home.  My clothes were suctioned to my skin due to their aqueous state.   I finally managed to achieve freedom from them and throw on a dry t-shirt and lounge pants. I sat at the edge of my bed and filled up my hand with pills that I dumped from the bottle labeled ‘Sleep’ and retrieved a few straggler pills from my draw along with what was left in the “Anxiety” bottle and held them, too.

“Take them all!” the
voice
chanted.

I placed a few in my mouth and they slid down my throat and I continued to do that until none remained.
 

After a few minutes, my mouth began to dry up, my body felt weightless and yet heavy at the same time.
  I began to feel lightheaded and weak.  I tried to lift my right arm to brush away a few hairs that fell in my eyes, but it fell half way there.  My head limply fell backwards and I would pull it back up, but that only made it roll around to the front.  I felt like I was about to throw up and I instinctively stood up to go into the bathroom, but my knees buckled by the weight and my dilapidated body hit the floor with a loud thud. 

9

Shackles

     The room was spinning as I lay on the floor with my left cheek against the cold hardwood floor.  I could hear myself moaning out loud as I kept opening and closing my eyes.  When they were opened, I noticed the chipping paint on the corner of my dresser and remembered how I sat there just the other day doing this same thing and admiring the disgusting paint color. 

“Stop fighting it,” I heard in my head.

I also could hear the sounds of rapid footsteps running up the stairs and Diablo screeching as pressure was pushed against it. 

“Nora! Nora!”
 I heard being screamed from the other side as they pounded on the door. 

“Nora, open the door!” Mike ordered and a second later the door busted open.
 

“What did you take?
  Nora?” Alex eagerly asked as he slapped my face to keep my eyes open. 

“Stay with us, sweetie,” Brian added as John held my head with one hand and brushed away the hairs that were still annoying in my eyes.

“Dads on the phone with 911,” Mike said as he rushed over by my side. 

I was in and out of consciousness, unable to speak coherently or able to move.
  Every time I opened my eyes, there was someone different holding my hands; Mike, Brian, Alex, John, Pops all took turns.  At that moment, I didn’t want to die or leave them. 
What did I do
?

My vision became fuzzy and I could barely see anything or make out complete faces anymore.
  My stomach flip flopped once again and I tried to get up and I began fighting the hands that were holding me down.  I cried as I fussed around trying to rid myself of whoever was touching me.  They seemed to notice what I was trying to do so they put me on my side and I vomited all over the floor.  My retching felt endless as my stomach contents exited my body. 

I heard voices that I couldn’t make out anymore, they were just muffled sounds echoing around me along with sirens that were getting louder and louder.
  Next thing I knew, there were these people wearing blue shirts asking me questions.

“What is your name?”

“Nomorda,” I incoherently mumbled.

“Don’t let them fix you!” the
voice
shouted.

“What did you take?” they asked as my head fumbled around in circles.

“Mike,” my voice was eventually able to respond.

There were fast paced footsteps down the steps and Mike yelled up, “Sleeping pills.
  My sleeping pills are missing.”

After they poked and prodded me, they lifted me onto a stretcher and rolled me out the door.
  Once out, I spotted Pops who grabbed my hand and kissed my forehead as they pulled up the wheels on the stretcher to carry me down the steps. 

I didn’t have the strength to fight the
voice
nor to listen as it laughed and screamed at me.  The noise was outrageous and I could barely hear anything else. As we got outside, it was raining and someone held a yellow umbrella above my face to block the raindrops from hitting me. I heard the voices of my cousins yelling at whoever would listen.

“What happened?”
 Evan bellowed as he ran up to my stretcher.

“Nora!” Drew cried out.