When It Rains: The Umbrella Collection (14 page)

“I’m Gloria.
  She is leaving.  If you need anything here is the call button,” and she threw the white cord with a red button on the end over the back of my bed and it hung just next to my ear.  As she walked past me her personal scent hit my nose and it wasn’t pleasant.  As fast as she walked in, the faster she walked out taking the odor with her.  Macy looked at me with her eyebrows raised in shock, but followed it up with a shrug of her shoulders and continued on with her medication distribution.

“Gloria is like that with everyone.
  Don’t take it personal.  Oh, and just between you and me, she doesn’t understand mental health, so you probably won’t be seeing her much,” Macy informed me when she was all finished.

“Gotcha.
  I don’t really want her around after what I smelled.”

“Yeah, we ALL feel that way,” she laughingly replied, “If you don’t
get moved, I’m back tonight. I’ll see if I can get you as my patient again.  Take care,” and she left closing the door slightly.

Not really knowing what to do with myself, I flipped on the TV and got sucked into a rerun of ‘Rosanne’.
  As Becky and Darlene fought on the screen I saw two head peek in through the door just beyond the television set and Skylar and Scott walked in.  They had been waiting out in the waiting area until the nurses left. 

“Who was that first nurse to leave?
  Ugh!” Scott muttered.

“Tell me about it.
  She is a fucking beast!” I said back.

“How are you feeling?”
 Skylar asked as she headed over to the windowsill and placed a vase full of my favorite blush-colored peonies down, then came over to me and gave me a hug, “Why didn’t you call me?” Skylar questioned.  Then, I told her that I thought about it, but I didn’t have my phone on me at that point, then I was so clouded in my own mess to think about doing it when I got home.

“So, are you going to tell us wh
at happened or what?” Scott asked after a few minutes of beating around the bush.  So, very much like I did with Dr. Gable, I spilled my guts and secrets to them.  Skylar knew most, but not about the
voice
.  My fears of no one understanding where not upheld when I was finished.  They sympathized and said that they would always be there for me for any help that I needed. 

After the seriousness had ended, Scott looked perplexed and looked like he needed to ask me a question. “What?” I asked

“Well, I’m not trying to be funny, but last night you kept calling me ‘Scoot’, was that the
voice
making fun of me or something?”

“What?!”

“Last night, you asked where Sky and Scoot were.  Who the hell is Scoot?”

“I have no recollection of that happening, unfortunately.
  I would love to remember that,” I laughingly said.

They sat with me for awhile, just chit chatting about things.
  Scott had to get going; he had a meeting to go to for his charity.  “See you later, Scoot,” I yelled as they walked out of the room.  Skylar said she was going to walk Scott down to his car and be back in a few.  I sat alone thinking my own thoughts, wondering how I ended up here when the door once again opened.  I didn’t think too much about it, I figured it was Skylar, so I didn’t even look away from Dan Conner being arrested for beating Fisher on TV.

“Hey,” I heard, but it wasn’t Skylar’s voice and my eyes ventured over to the silhouette that I saw out of the corner of my eye.
  It was Lauren standing there in the shadows the closed blinds on the windows formed.  I didn’t say anything to her I just looked at her in disbelief.  She hesitated in speaking and she stood there rubbing her hands together.  She does that when she is nervous.

“I heard that there were ambulances at your house and I couldn’t get a hold of anyone until I ran into Evan at Marty’s.
  He said that you were in the hospital, but wouldn’t tell me anything else.” she began,

I didn’t say anything
in response.  I didn’t know what to say.  Here before me, stood someone that I considered a friend, someone that I would have stepped in front of a bullet for.  That same person went behind my back and screwed a guy that I cared for.  She completely overlooked my feelings and our bond to do what she wanted to.  She didn’t respect our friendship. 

“I can’t even tell you how sorry I am.
  I doubt you will believe me,” she said and she was right.  She had a tendency to lie to everyone about everything, but I thought I was an exception.  I stood by her side in disbelief as lies flowed from her mouth.  I would confront her about it when we were alone and she was proud of the fact that they believed her. This time, I didn’t believe her and that was solidified when I asked her one question.

“Are you still seeing him?”
 

“Well, yeah.
  But,” she began to answer, but I cut her off.

“Then our relationship was a joke to you.
  This has nothing to do with Adam.  I liked him, a lot, but I know now he was a piece of shit and I’ll get over him.  But, you are a whole different story.  You betrayed me and you didn’t even have enough guts to tell me.  If Skylar and Scott didn’t catch you, I would still be in the dark.  You can over look our friendship, but I can’t and I’m done.  I can’t have you in my life anymore, Lauren.  I need people with me that love me and care for me.  I don’t think that you are capable doing that.  You are toxic, purely self-involved and I’m finished,” I said as if I had rehearsed it.  It came out with such conviction and honesty that I actually surprised myself. 

“So, you never want to talk to me again?”

“If I was you I would forget I exist.  There is no way I will be able to trust you again,” I said, but it was a bit of a lie. I wouldn’t slam the door in her face if she needed to talk.  Her friends consisted of Skylar and I mixed in with a bunch of guys.  Now, that I’m gone and I don’t believe Skylar is too happy about it, either, who else does she have to go to.  The bones within my body are not mean enough to turn my back on her completely, but at this point she doesn’t need to know that.

Her face was angry and I didn’t care.
  I told her my true feelings, feelings that she helped me feel.  Her arms rose in the air as she said, “I don’t know what to do?!”  She said just as Skylar returned through the door. 

The
voice
voiced its opinion, “Perhaps, keep your vagina in your pants.” The
voice
tortures me, haunts me every day, makes me cry, scream and fight against it, but at that moment it made me laugh for the first time.

“What are you doing here?” Skylar immediately said upon entering the room and she didn’t look happy saying it. She didn’t stop there, though, “You didn’t care about her as you where all over Adam, why would you care about her now?”

Lauren stormed out of the room.  Trying to add some oomph to her exit, she tried slamming the door.  It didn’t work though because it had a device on there that wouldn’t allow her to do so.  Made me chuckle a bit. 

“What was that about?”
 Skylar asked.

“She’s sorry…blah, blah, blah.
  I told her I was done with her.”

“Good, for you,”
 Skylar said with a smile.

The rest of the day, she and I hung out while Gloria the Beast walking in and out of my room only when it was med time. That evening, Macy came back as my nurse and the guys visited again.
  So, we all sat around the small hospital room watching a baseball game on the small cubed TV.    

I ended up being in the
hospital for almost a week.  Along with visitation from my family and friends, I also had consultations with a bunch of doctors who asked the same questions over and over again.  Each time I sat with one of them I had to relive the moments of my life that I would like to forget.  One evening, Dr Gable walked in and planted himself in a chair by the window next to me.  We talked about everything; from the weather to a ballgame, to his family, to the
voice
.  He was easy to talk to and I felt no judgment from him. 

He asked if I was hearing the
voice
at all and I let him know that his presence was still lurking around.  I heard it mostly when I would try to fall asleep urging me to pick up some sharp object that was lying around so I could stab myself or slit my wrists.  I would also hear it when other people were around telling me to lie about my feelings and emotions to get out of the hospital sooner.  I’m sure it didn’t enjoy the fact that in here it didn’t have much control over me like the way it did when I was home. 

Dr. Gable felt I would soon be discharged from the hospital and that I should deeply consider admitting myself into a controlled environment as my medications start to kick in.

“Can I call Pops, as you call him, and see what his opinion is?” he asked as I nodded in agreement.  After a few more verbal exchanges, he walked out of the room to do just that. 

I laid there trying to think of Pops choice.
  He will probably say that I need to go into an asylum somewhere and once I push aside how scared I am, I have to agree with him.  The
voice
needs to go and if that’s going to help me in that endeavor that I will do it.

A half hour later Dr. Gable walked back in and sat down in the same chair that he was in before.
  “Well, your Pops has an incredible amount of love for you,” he began and I smiled because that was the one thing I already knew, “Along with Pops’ thoughts, he also voiced your uncles’ opinions, and combined with my assessment, I think that we should begin looking for an impatient facility for you to stay.”

I knew it was coming, but it didn’t stop my heartbeat from amping up and feel like it wanted to jump out of my chest.
  But, I knew to be surrounded by medical professionals was the necessary option to take.  Dr. Gable saw my frightened face and reassured me that things will be alright and that they would try their hardest to find me a spot in one of the facilities that he makes rounds at which brought comfort to me. 

11

Ashford

   
One day, I got up out of bed and realized my body was still not accustomed to the pills that I was medically obligated to shove down my throat.  It took me three tries to stand up; the room spun and I promptly landed right where I was before.  My steps were as wobbly as a drunk taking a sobriety test, as I made my way to the window and opened its blinds.  I knew it was raining by the sounds mimicking itself off the walls of the room.  I wanted to test myself to see if I could handle seeing the rain.  After opening, I immediately shut them.  Maybe the fact that I was emotionally naked for all to see right now made me more vulnerable to it.  I tightly closed them back up and wobbled back to my bed where I sat on the edge of the bed. 

Macy walked in.
  She has been my nurse for most of my stay, thankfully.  Glad she works all the time because every other nurse that walked in, including Gloria, was a bitch.  She came carrying the usual things within her hands; pills and water. 

“Hey, you know the drill,” she said as she handed me a white cup with a pill in it and a small cup of water.
  One by one, we did this regimen until they were all gone.  There was about eight in all, but Dr. Gable said I would be able to stop some once I got on my feet mentally.  They made me feel groggy and physically unstable, but I’m hoping those side effects will pass. 

Macy left and returned a half hour later followed by a smiling Dr. Gable.
  “Why the cheesy grin?” I asked

“Well, girly we found an answer,” he said as he took at seat on the reclining chair and Macy sat beside me on the bed.
  There was a knock on the door and it opened slightly with Pops making his entrance, “Oh, good.  You’re here.  We were just about to go over some things.”

Pops said hello to everyone and remained standing with his hands in his pockets waiting to hear the news.
  Dr. Gable went on to tell us that he found a open bed that is ready and waiting for me to come claim at Ashford Mental Hospital a half hour away if I was ready to go.  He went on to tell us that he does rotations there.  He said there is also a psychologist there, Dr. Rosenberg that he feels I would get along with.  After he was finished explaining everything about the facility, everyone looked at me in anticipation to see what my response will be. I think they were all scared about whether or not I would go and get help.  I won’t lie and say that there haven’t been times within the last two weeks that I didn’t want to get up and run out of this hospital to go right back to my life the way it has been with my feelings steaming to their brink and the
voice
playing me like a Marionette.  But, I want to live in peace and control my own actions.  I promised Pops and myself that this was it; I’m getting help.

“I’m ready when you are,”
 I said and everyone smiled.  After Pops’ grin faded, he still had a look of relief written on his face.  Dr. Gable handed me a few forms I needed to sign and brochures of Ashford.