When We Were Saints (28 page)

"No!" Clare said, struggling to get away from Archie. "That's not true!"

Archie gripped her wrists harder and continued. "And—and I'm angry. I'm angry because you chose me to help you do it—to help you kill yourself. All this time I felt so special because you—beautiful, wonderful, perfect Clare—chose me as your partner your soul mate. But now I see what I have really been chosen for and it makes me angry. This isn't God. This is you, Clare, desperate for a way out—and so was I. Now, I don't know what will happen to me if my grandmama dies; all I know is I need to have faith in God—leave it to God. You showed me that. But, Clare, you need that faith, too. You need to go back home, not starve to death up here."

Clare sunk to her knees and bowed her head. Archie let go of her wrists, and she looked up at him and said, "Don't you see, even if I die God is with me. Death is the ultimate union with the Lord. We become perfect in death. We are united forever with God—just like Jesus. Didn't you say you wanted to become just like Jesus?"

"This isn't what I meant!" Archie said. "You just said that even if you die God will be with you, and yeah, I know, you said that before, when I fought those guys in the woods. You thought I was wrong to protect you. Well, okay, the violence was wrong. Like you said back then, God's will is never violence. But, Clare, starving yourself is violence against your own body, and God wouldn't will that, either You know it. And okay, if you die, God will be with you—great. But does that mean I'm supposed to let you starve yourself and do nothing about it? Is that really faith in God? I think faith is trusting in God to help you. It's acting in faith, but in order to do that you have to
act,
Clare. That's God's will for us, I think. We act, we step out in faith, and then, like you said, God is with us all the way."

Clare closed her eyes and lowered her head. She hummed. Archie felt she was trying to block out his words, but he continued, talking above her humming.

"I don't know, maybe you don't realize what you're doing. Maybe you're—I don't know. You hear voices and have visions and that stigmata thing. I don't get what that's all about, whether it's for real or if you're..." Archie crouched down in front of Clare. "Look, all I know is that I don't have what it takes to figure it out, okay? I don't know. Maybe nobody does. Who can judge? Am I crazy? Are you? Who isn't? I don't know, and I don't have to. I just think that if we stay here, you'll die, and I can't lose you—I won't. I love you, Clare."

Clare looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "God is the only one who loves me."

"Everybody loves you," Archie said, surprised by the conviction in her voice. "Everybody adores you. You know that. Now, come on." Archie reached under Clare's arms and lifted her up again. "We're leaving. We're going home."

Clare squirmed in his arms and with desperation in her voice said, "No, Francis! No! If you love me, then leave me here. Just trust in the Lord and leave me here. Why is that so hard for you?"

"Loving you shouldn't mean that I have to do everything your way and give you everything you want. Especially not when I know it hurts you. God doesn't love you that way and neither will I."

Archie let go of her and stood back with his hands on his hips. He didn't know what to do. Clare lay down on the floor and began humming again. He needed help. He thought about the guards who kept watch over the museum at night. They were still on duty. He could go down and get them. He wondered what they would do when they discovered he and Clare had been sleeping in the tower. He decided not to think about it. He walked over to the door and looked back at Clare, expecting her to call out to him and stop him, but she didn't. She just kept praying.

Archie headed down the steps, his legs shaking from the fear of going against Clare's wishes. He prayed to God for help, reciting to himself, "Be still and know that I am God." The words comforted him and he knew God was with him. It wasn't an ecstatic thing, just a certain knowing feeling in his gut, right where the pressure in his stomach used to be.

Archie reached the third floor and stopped. A new idea had come to him. It scared him even more than his first idea of getting the guards, but he believed it was the right thing to do. He stepped out into the room on the third floor and went over to the phone on one of the desks. With his hands trembling, he picked it up and made a collect call to Scott Simpson.

"Mr, Simpson, this is Archie, Archie Caswell," he said after the operator told him to go ahead.

"Archie? Where are you? Do you realize the manhunt that's been going on around here? Is Clare with you? Where are you, Archie?" Mr. Simpson's voice sounded alarmed.

"Yes, she's here. We're in New York. I'm sorry." He tried not to cry over the phone. He swallowed hard and said, "Could you—could you get up here? Clare's in trouble. I'm scared she's..." Archie couldn't finish the sentence.

Mr. Simpson asked, "Where in New York are you?" and before Archie could answer him, he heard a woman's angry voice saying, "Let me talk to him.

"Hello. This is Mildred Simpson, Clare's mother What's going on? What's happened to Clare? Tell us where you are."

"Yes, I—I was just saying—we're in New York, at the Cloisters, a museum, and Clare—she isn't eating and she's seeing things, having visions, I mean, and I—I don't know, but I think she needs to go to a hospital. I think you need to come up here."

"We'll take the next flight out. Where will you be? Will you stay there?"

Archie swallowed again and said, "I'm—I'm going to try to get her to a friend's house—Irving's. You could meet us there."

Archie gave her the address, and Clare's mother told him again that they would take the next flight out. Then she said that he had done a very foolish and dangerous thing and hung up.

Archie put down the receiver and stared at the phone a long time. He wanted to call the hospital and talk to his grandmother but he was afraid. What if she was dead? How could he stand it? How would he live with his guilt? Again he prayed for God's help. He took a deep breath and picked up the receiver. Then he heard a noise behind him. He whipped around and saw three people stepping out of the elevator: the strange man from the parking lot, Lizzie Alward, and one of the night guards.

A
RCHIE DIDN'T WASTE MUCH
time with explanations, nor did he ask for any. He hung up the phone without making the second call and told them Clare was up on the top floor and he needed their help to get her to go with him to Irving's home. He told them he had called Clare's parents.

When the four of them arrived by elevator on the top floor Clare was just as Archie had left her lying on the floor humming. When Lizzie spoke to her Clare lifted her head and smiled as if she had been expecting her all along. Lizzie suggested that Clare come with them to Irving's house for a visit, and Clare nodded and got willingly to her feet. She looked at Archie and said, "I'm glad we're staying, Francis. You'll see; everything will be all right."

Archie couldn't look her in the eyes. He felt guilty for deceiving her but he said nothing to correct her impression that they were just going to Irving's for a visit and would return to the Cloisters in the afternoon.

It felt like a party when Archie, Clare, Lizzie, and the man who had introduced himself as Albert Winkler arrived at Irving's house. Irving was so happy to see everyone, and his pleasure made Archie feel welcome and safe. Lizzie's two boys, dressed in pieces of Irving's old army uniform, were running around the living room playing soldiers. It reminded Archie of the days when he and Armory used to play like that, and he thought maybe he would join them for a while, just to keep his mind off Clare and what was going to happen when her parents arrived. Before he could join them, though, Lizzie asked him if he would help her fix sodas and coffee for everyone.

Archie followed Lizzie into the kitchen, happy to have something to do and anxious to find out about that morning. He dug a tray out of a cabinet beneath the sink and asked Lizzie, "So what happened? I mean, why were y'all at the Cloisters? How did you know? And what's that Albert guy doing here? I thought he was trying to kidnap Clare or something. He kept hanging around us at the Cloisters."

Lizzie put on water for the coffee, then turned around to face Archie. "You promised Irving that you and Clare would come spend the night with him. You never showed up and he got worried. In the morning he called me to say you still hadn't showed up and that you had told him you had been staying in the to wen" Lizzie placed a sugar and creamer set on the tray and continued, "I thought maybe Irving had gotten things mixed up. I didn't believe it was possible for you two to stay in the tower without getting caught. So I called Albert, and he said he thought it was likely because he never saw you two come out at closing.
Then we went over to the Cloisters and talked to the night guard, Johnson, and he let us go up."

Archie asked, "So is Albert a policeman or detective, or something?"

Lizzie grinned. "He's a friend of mine. He lives right near the Cloisters, so I asked him if he would keep an eye on you two. I knew you were runaways, and I was worried about Clare. I had a sister with anorexia, so I know the signs."

"'Anorexia'?" Archie said.

Lizzie nodded. "Starving herself, no desire for food, hiding her body in that big old robe."

"But she isn't trying to get thin because she thinks she's fat; she's trying to..." Archie couldn't finish the sentence, so he let it drop and stared down at the wood floor.

"It doesn't matter what her reasons are," Lizzie said, "the results are the same, aren't they? Anyway, I was worried, so I told Albert to keep an eye on you two."

Archie nodded, and they both grew silent for a couple of minutes while they put ice in some glasses and poured the Cokes. Then Albert came into the kitchen, asking if he could help.

Archie went over to him and held out his hand. "Sorry, about everything," he said.

Albert shook his hand. "Hey, I should have done something sooner but I didn't know where you two were staying until Lizzie told me what Irving had said."

"Sorry I didn't trust you. You were creepy with all your questions, though, and watching Clare the way you did. I thought you wanted to hurt her"

Albert nodded. "You took good care of her."

"Not really," Archie said. "Not good enough. I thought she knew what she was doing. Actually, maybe she did. I was the one who didn't know."

All morning long the group of them sat in Irving's living room and talked. Everyone but Clare knew that her parents were coming to get her and the conversation sounded forced and Archie grew more and more uncomfortable. There were frequent lulls during which everyone sat trying not to appear to be listening for the buzzer or watching the door. Archie sat in a chair across from Clare and watched her. He didn't know what to think. She seemed almost like her old self again. Her voice was animated and all the things she said made sense. She had sipped her cup of coffee with sugar, and a bit of color had returned to her cheeks. Watching her made him feel so sad and sorry for what he had done. He still believed it had been the right thing to do, but he knew, too, that he had betrayed Clare.

At noon Albert went out for pizza and brought it back for everyone to eat. Clare said she couldn't eat a bite, and Archie felt too nervous to eat. He knew her parents could arrive at any minute, but he took a slice and set it on his plate. They were still in the kitchen when the buzzer sounded and everyone but Clare jumped up. Clare looked at them all, surprised, and asked what was going on. Then Irving answered the buzzer and Mildred Simpson's voice came over the speaker Clare heard it and stood up. She looked at Archie and, with her hands gripping the back of her chair said, "I put all my trust in you, dear Francis, my soul mate, and you betrayed me."

"Clare, I had to. I couldn't let you starve yourself."

Clare and Archie stood facing each other across the table, both of them blinking back tears.

The others left them alone, leaving the kitchen to go wait for Clare's parents.

"You promised no hospitals," Clare said when the others had gone.

"But, Clare, look at you." Archie pointed at her.

"I was just trying to be like Christ," she said. "The only problem is, no one will let me. No one trusts it."

Archie lowered his head. "I'm sorry, Clare."

Clare let out a sob. "I want love, not hospitals."

Archie stepped forward and held out his hand toward Clare. "I'm sorry. I do love you. It's because I love you that..."

Clare's face twisted up and tears spilled from her eyes. She blurted out, "Why won't they love me?" She looked at Archie with pleading in her eyes. "Why won't they love me?"

Archie stood with his mouth open, trying to understand what she was asking. Her parents burst into the room, and Mrs. Simpson rushed over to Clare and hugged her. Then Mn Simpson hugged her while Mrs. Simpson began examining her lifting her eyelids, checking her fingernails, and examining the palms of her hands. Both parents were talking at once, asking her how it had happened and what did she think she was doing. Then Mrs. Simpson raised her voice and said they needed to get Clare to a hospital immediately, and she pulled her out of the kitchen toward the door to the apartment.

Clare didn't say anything or show any emotion during all of it. She allowed herself to be examined and then led by the hand through the living room. And after the Simpsons' brief expressions of gratitude to everyone for looking after Clare, the three of them left for the hospital, and Irving closed the door behind them.

Archie stood in the center of the living room and stared at the closed door Everyone had gone silent. Archie waited, expecting to feel a wave of sadness wash over him, or to feel lost or empty, but he felt none of those things. He stood facing the door and from deep within him he heard the words
Be still and know that I am God,
and he felt comforted.

A
RCHIE TRIED SEVERAL
times to call home, trying first his own house, in case his grandmother had gone home, and then Clyde's and Nattie Lynn's homes, but no one answered. He sat at the desk in Irving's study, the same room where he had slept just a couple of nights before, and made his calls. When he failed to get anyone at home, he wondered if they were all at the hospital visiting his grandmother. He thought about calling the hospital, but then he had the dreadful thought that perhaps they were at her funeral. Archie didn't know how he would ever forgive himself if his grandmother had died while he was gone. He had thought he couldn't face her death, especially after losing his grandfather but he realized sitting there in Irving's study that running away from it and abandoning her when she needed him most was going to be even harder to face and live with, especially if she had died.