When You Make It Home (7 page)

“Be nice!” I resisted the urge to be hurt by her words. Chelsea tended to be dramatic.

“You have what we’re all looking for, and you walk away?” She rolled her eyes at me. “You don’t even know for sure there’s someone else.”

“But isn’t it enough that I don’t trust him when he’s gone?” I thought my question was reasonable and expected her to admit I had a point.

She turned her back to me and went back to stuffing a mannequin into a black leather dress.

I considered reminding her that there would be other men; I could still end up married one day. But I didn’t. She’d think I was only being flippant.

“Come on, give me a break,” I pleaded. My friends would have liked a group discussion on whether I should leave Bradley. I wondered whose side they were really on.

Chelsea came over and gave me a hug. With Chelsea, every argument was really about her, so I couldn’t take it personally. Her truce came as predicted: She’d find a pair of guys we could double date. She had made her threat almost five months earlier; fortunately, I’d dodged that bullet.

Only two people had known I was planning to leave Bradley. Ellie had returned from her honeymoon a few months before my crisis, and she was still in the throes of newlywed bliss. She was as familiar with my past as her own, and because of that, she knew how sacred trust was for me. She knew I couldn’t live with doubts. So she did what Ellie always did—she got out the paper and made two columns. On one side she wrote
Reasons To Marry Bradley
and, on the other,
Reasons To Break Up
. Sure, her method seemed trivial, but filling out the columns reinforced what I was prepared to accept: I was ready to move on.

The other person I confided in was Steve. His first comment after learning I was about to halt my future with Bradley was similar to my father’s. “If that’s what you want, Meg. Are you sure you’re not panicking? You’re going to miss him.”

“He’s never home. And anyway, something’s not right.”

“So you’re not even going to try to work it out?”

“He had a girl in his hotel room in China. I’m not there and I can’t sit here and wonder what’s going on.”

My brother’s eyes softened. “I know. You deserve someone you can count on.” He wrapped his big arms around me. “I’ll miss him on the golf course though.” Steve and I both laughed.

Although having the coolest brother in the world and a best friend who always knew what I needed didn’t replace romantic love, it certainly eased my desperation for companionship. I knew leaving Bradley was the right choice when I moved back to my condo, because in my own place, I felt less alone.

The afternoon after our visit to the doctor, I sat with Ellie while she waited on a bench out front for Jake to pick her up.

“We’re clearing out the spare bedroom this weekend, so I can do the baby’s room after we find out what it is.” Her hands traveled around her belly as if she were peering into a crystal ball.

“I can’t believe it’s time to do that already.”

“Our twenty-week ultrasound is next Wednesday, and we want you and Steve to come over for dinner, so we can announce the baby’s gender.” The more real her baby became, the more real mine was, too. Ellie was so excited that I forced myself to perk up for her sake.

“I can’t wait,” I said. “I hope we both have girls, so they can be best friends like we are.”

The desire sounded juvenile, but Ellie cheered. “We’re going to have so much fun. You’ve got to tell everyone, so I don’t have to keep quiet anymore. You promised—”

“Okay.” I held my hand up. “I’ll tell Steve this weekend, and then we’ll go from there.”

Ellie threw her arms around me, and I watched over her shoulder as Jake pulled up. Theo stepped out of the truck, and I was hopeful for a moment. He shot a glance my way, did a half wave, and took off on his crutches across the street to The Tavern. My heart sank as I watched him go.

“Don’t worry, it will work out,” Ellie said, referring to my talk with Steve.

Jake stepped out of the truck and headed straight for Ellie, his handsome face aglow.

“See ya later.” Ellie was lucky she never had to go home alone.

After they drove away, I turned my attention to the door of The Tavern.

I wondered if Theo was hanging out with the carefree brunette. He’d probably take her back to his mom’s place and feed her Mac and Cheese Hot Dog Surprise. Then, instead of watching old movies on TV, they’d have hot sex all night and sleep in each other’s arms till the sun came up. And since I was torturing myself, I allowed myself to remember how I put my hand in his and he held it for a minute before he pushed it gently, but firmly, away. I thought about how he touched my belly. I had wanted him to kiss me, and I was sure he could tell I wanted him to, but he hadn’t. I’d been completely foolish. He’d declared in the beginning that he wasn’t about to hit on a pregnant chick.

I went to Steve and told him I was leaving for the day.

“Yeah, you’re looking a little rough. You want to hang out later?” He peered at me with concern. For a beat I thought about telling him everything, but then my old friend Fear rushed back in, and I wanted to get away to worry alone.

The baby’s father is not who you think…

“No, I only need to catch up on sleep.”

He looked as though he would hug me, and I stepped out of reach. I didn’t want him to meet my bulging stomach.

For three days, I hid in my condo trying to get the courage to tell my brother what happened. Every time Theo drifted into my thoughts, I pushed him out. Ellie was right; I didn’t need the distraction. My life was about to change, and I needed to focus.

On Tuesday, when I called in sick for the fourth day in a row, Steve expressed worry. I told him we should talk and asked him to come by when he got the chance.

I crawled back in bed and tried to lose myself in a Gillian Flynn novel. Ten minutes later, I was still on the same page when someone knocked on the front door.

“That was fast.” I stepped aside to let Steve in.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he demanded, looking me over. I’d pulled my hair into a sloppy ponytail and was wearing baggy sweats. I slouched against the door with my hands stuffed in the front pocket of my hoodie. I’d grown enough that he should have been able to see my condition without me telling him.

“I’m pregnant,” I blurted.

His gaze dropped to my belly and snapped back to my face. To make it easier for him, I pulled off my hoodie. Underneath, I wore my old Dave Matthews shirt that failed to cover my bump.

“Oh shit—you’re big!” He swiped his hand over his mouth, his eyes wide.

“Thanks a lot.”

“How long have you known?”

I looked away and tugged on the hem of my shirt. “Over two months.”

He staggered back, jamming his fists into his pockets. At once, I took in that I had done everything wrong. My sweet brother was devastated I’d left him out of my life. I read the anguish on his face as he turned away and searched the room. I stood there wishing my condo looked more together; the lack of order added to the evidence that my life was a mess.

“Steve, I should’ve told you sooner. Ellie wanted me to—”

“Ellie knows?” His head jerked up. “What about Jake—does he know too?”

I nodded slowly.

“But you couldn’t tell me? Unbelievable.” In three long strides, he was at the door.

“Wait, Steve… I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.” I followed after him. “Please don’t go.”

He yanked the front door open and turned to me with troubled eyes. “We had a pact to always be honest with each other.” My little brother by minutes stood all grown up, towering over me. His pain from my betrayal left him visibly vulnerable. “I have to digest this.”

He turned and walked away.

When Steve and I were kids we rarely fought. Maybe that was abnormal, but the truth was that Dad and Nina worked long hours, and Steve and I needed each other. We couldn’t afford to be disconnected because that meant being alone. At times we did get mad. We’d call each other names and shove one another, but soon we’d give in to laughter. And with laughter came forgiveness. But Steve didn’t return my calls that night, and he didn’t come in to work the next day. No one was laughing.

Ellie could have gotten him to see the light, but she was at her ultrasound appointment. Steve and I were supposed to go to her house for dinner to find out if Jake and Ellie were having a girl or a boy. I worried he might skip the dinner.

Busy with the morning shipment of inventory, I moved about the store, checking on employees who were going through the boxes. When I overheard my name spoken in a hushed tone, I stopped to listen.

“It’s break-up weight. She doesn’t need to worry about being seen naked, so she’s hitting the pizza,” one of the college girls on our staff said, twisting her glossy hair around her finger. She had her back to me, as did Hazel, our oldest staff member. Grandpa had hired her ages ago. She didn’t have any family of her own, and even though she couldn’t manage to do anything right, Steve and I didn’t have the heart to let her go.

“I don’t know,” Hazel said. “I’m thinking she looks pregnant. When someone’s growing a baby they start looking fat, but only in the middle—like Meg.”

I stepped behind a bookcase. I still heard them chatting from my new position, but I couldn’t make out the words over the pounding of my heart. I was exposed. Ellie was right: they were onto me. I spent the rest of my day hiding in the back storeroom, cowering in my office if anyone came near.

At the end of the day, I slipped out back. I escaped into the rain and climbed into my car. I had to undo my pants. I was trapped with the truth. My body wasn’t going to let me be in denial anymore. Had my mother felt trapped when Steve and I took over her body? I pushed the thought away. I didn’t want to think of her.

Tonight was Ellie’s night. Steve had better be there. He had to forgive me. The grip of regret weighed me down because I knew I’d been wrong for shutting him out. I wanted to take away the pain I had caused. No secrets ever again.

Ellie practically vibrated with anticipation, flinging her door open before I rang the bell.

“Look at your belly. You look great!” Ellie patted my bump. “We had the doctor write the sex of the baby on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope, so we could all find out together, but I can’t wait. I wish Steve would hurry up and get here.”

“Oh Ellie, he might not come. I told him yesterday I’m pregnant, and I haven’t heard from him since.”

“Come on.” Ellie took my hand, leading me down the hall. “I spoke with Steve, and he’s okay. He just feels left out, and he doesn’t understand why you didn’t want to tell him.” She leaned in close, her voice hushed. “You need to talk to him. Get him excited about the baby, and he’ll get over it.”

The second we stepped across the threshold to the living room, I saw Theo. He sat in the middle of the sofa with glasses on, reading the e. e. cummings book. I stopped walking so my brain could catch up with the situation.

“Hey there.” He peered over the rim of his glasses.

My words dried up in my throat so I gave a little nod.

I should have assumed he would be there, but I’d been wrapped up in my own drama. I recovered and followed Ellie to the kitchen.

“Ellie,” I whispered, “you didn’t tell me he’d be here.”

“I thought you’d know.” She tilted her head. “You’re a wreck. What is it with you? Are you sure there is nothing going on with you and Theo?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He likes to irritate me.”

“Then ignore him. Can you help me with the salad? I want to go check on Jake—I’m afraid he’s going to peek in the envelope.” Ellie glowed in her emerald-green maternity top, with hair piled atop her head. She slipped out the back door to where Jake was grilling burgers in the drizzle. Unlike the last time I was at Jake and Ellie’s house, the pleasant smell of mesquite and cooking cow made my mouth water and my stomach rumble.

I was at the sink washing lettuce when the swinging kitchen door flew open, and Steve and Theo walked in. I dried my hands, and Steve embraced me. My body settled into the comfort of his warmth.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” My voice wavered.

He stepped back an arm’s length and looked me over. “I can’t believe you and Ellie are both having babies.” He tentatively touched my bump. “Honestly, I know you two insist on doing everything together, but this is ridiculous.”

Theo leaned against the counter on the other side of the kitchen, watching my exchange with Steve.

“Well, there you go, Meg—I told you keeping secrets was stupid,” Theo said, and Steve’s body tensed as he looked from Theo to me.

“He knew?” Steve asked jerking his thumb in Theo’s direction. I didn’t move, but Steve read the answer on my face.

“I didn’t tell him.”

Steve’s eyebrows pulled together.

“He figured it out on his own.” I pointed at Theo accusingly.

My brother shook his head in disgust and stormed out to the backyard.

“Gee, thanks a lot.” I turned from Theo, trying to focus on making the salad, but couldn’t resist casting sidelong glances his way.