Where I Found You (31 page)

As soon as they found a patch of clear ground Maggie issued the command so he would do his business and he dutifully obliged. Maggie insisted on cleaning up after him but gave in when the over-eager stewardess asked to take Harvey for a quick walk to stretch his legs. If nothing else, it gave Maggie time to do the one thing she had put off for as long as she could. For two whole weeks there had been no calls home. She had made it known to her friends that she didn’t want to hear any bad news while she was too far away to help, and although she had told Ted to phone if he needed her, he hadn’t. She could only hope that his silence was a good sign.

Frustratingly, Jenny’s phone rang out and with a sinking heart Maggie cut the call. Undeterred, she tried Kathy. Saturday afternoon was always busy at the salon so she was relieved when her friend answered the call so quickly.

‘Hi, Maggie, home already?’ In the background, the incessant, high-pitched buzz of hairdryers was somehow soothing.

‘Still at the airport but we’ll be back soon.’

‘How was the holiday?’

‘Lovely, thanks. The weather was glorious, a bit too hot for me sometimes but James and the boys loved it. They went on long walks roaming the countryside while I stayed at home with my feet up.’

‘That’s exactly as it should be – enjoy it while you can. I take it there were no problems with the farmhouse, then?’

‘It was perfect – and you might get a pleasant surprise when you go there next. I put James to good use and even Sam and Liam helped out.’

‘Now you know I wasn’t expecting you to earn your keep,’ Kathy said before quickly adding, ‘So what did he do?’

‘Don’t get too excited, it was nothing major. Just the odd fence mended and he’s re-plastered the wall in front bedroom.’

‘Nothing major? Maggie, it would have taken Joe years before he got around to repairing that wall.’

‘It was the least we could do or should I say, the least James could do. I barely moved. I think I’ve doubled in size since I left – and before you say anything, it’s not because I’ve been gorging myself.’ Maggie was smiling as she gave Kathy the obligatory update about her holiday but at the back of her mind she was rushing towards the real reason she had phoned. ‘Now, enough about me; what have I been missing? Do you know how Mrs Milton’s doing?’

‘She’s fine.’

Goose bumps confirmed what Maggie had been expecting to hear. ‘Something’s happened, hasn’t it?’

‘I’m sorry, Maggie, she’s been moved into a care home but it’s a pretty good one by all accounts.’

Kathy had tried to sound upbeat but Maggie’s heart sank. ‘So Yvonne got her way, then?’ she said.

‘It’s for the best, everyone agrees, even Elsie.’

‘I bet Ted doesn’t.’

‘Oh, he’ll come around to the idea. Look, we can talk more when you’re back in Sedgefield,’ Kathy said above the tinkling of a bell in the background that announced the arrival of a customer. ‘Maggie, I’m really sorry but I have to go. Call me later.’

‘I have to go too,’ Maggie added solemnly. She had heard the sound of claws scraping against tarmac. ‘But I’ll phone you the minute I get back.’

Maggie was guided through the arrivals gate and reunited with James who was too busy keeping Sam from wandering off to notice that the curve of her smile had a distinct quiver at its edges.

‘Mark said he’d text me when he got here but so far nothing,’ he told her.

‘Hello, son.’ Ken’s voice came from behind them and, as he approached, he reached out and gave Maggie a quick squeeze. ‘Wow,
you’ve
grown.’

Maggie felt a glow rise in her cheeks, but it wasn’t the comment about her size that made her blush, Liam and Sam had said far worse. She was wondering where Judith was and by the tone of James’s response, so was he. ‘What are you doing here, Dad?’

‘I told Mark I didn’t mind picking you up.’

A host of questions flooded Maggie’s mind, including how Ken had managed to coordinate arrangements with Mark when they barely knew each other. Maggie clearly wasn’t the only one growing impatient to mend bridges.

‘Don’t worry, I’m on my own,’ Ken said to fill the awkward silence and answer one of the unspoken questions. ‘I am allowed to see you, aren’t I?’

‘Of course you are, Dad,’ James said. He sounded sad and Maggie was glad of it.

There was a chorus of hellos from the boys and then everyone was talking at once. Liam and Sam were eager to tell their granddad all about their holiday and how Maggie had been teaching them the way to train their puppy. As Maggie listened, she couldn’t ignore the persistent pull of home. ‘Do you mind if we catch up properly when we’re in the car? The flight has tired me out.’

Her pretence at exhaustion gave Maggie a good excuse to withdraw from the chatter on the journey home and there were no arguments when she suggested going straight to bed for a little nap. But sleep was the last thing on her mind and by the time she heard James saying goodbye to his dad and closing the front door, Maggie had finished the call to Kathy. She remained where she was, lying on top of the quilt with Harvey by her side. She didn’t know what else to do.

James crept upstairs as quietly as he could which, for a man with giant-sized feet, wasn’t quiet at all. He struggled as he tried to find room next to her on the other side of the bed from Harvey who wasn’t about to surrender space for anyone, not even his master. James balanced precariously on the edge of the bed and, despite herself, Maggie smiled.

‘Sorry, I thought you were asleep,’ he whispered.

‘Even if I was, I wouldn’t be now,’ she countered as she tried to nudge Harvey over to give James more room.

James let a finger trace the side of Maggie’s face. He had found the damp trail of tears that lined her cheeks from the corner of her eyes to the back of her ears. ‘What’s happened?’

‘Elsie’s been moved into a care home. She left a message for me not to worry.’ Maggie was trying to sound strong but her voice cracked at the last.

James rested his head on the pillow next to her, his nose brushing the side of her face, his breath evaporating her tears as he spoke. ‘So don’t worry, Maggie, she wants what’s best for Ted and you knew there was a possibility this would happen.’

His words were meant to reassure Maggie but had the opposite effect. ‘Of course I knew! That was why I didn’t want to go to France,’ she barked.

James didn’t reply and regretting her sharpness she forced her voice to soften. ‘I know that if I’d been thinking objectively then I would have been the first to admit that Ted couldn’t manage on his own any more. I had been hoping that maybe Yvonne would move in with them for a while and let Elsie stay at home that little bit longer, long enough for us to find out more about Tess.’

‘Yvonne lives in Scotland, doesn’t she?’ The question was also an answer.

Maggie sighed and tried to let go of her anger. ‘According to Kathy, she’s not the ogre I thought she was. Ted had been telling her everything was fine, so it came as a massive shock for her to see how much Elsie had deteriorated. And apparently her daughter is expecting a baby soon, so now Yvonne’s torn between the two. The last thing she’ll need is someone like me judging her. Apparently she’s already wracked with guilt – but then so is Ted for letting her take over.’

‘He’d still feel like a failure no matter who took the decision.’ James buried his head into the curve of her neck. Big as he was, he felt impossibly vulnerable. ‘It’s his responsibility to look after his wife. Always was, always will be.’ When he kissed her bare neck it sent a shiver down her spine.

There were shouts from downstairs as the boys demanded attention. Harvey jumped up and, as he bounded off the bed, the aftershock almost knocked James off too. Maggie grabbed hold of him.

‘I’d better go,’ he said, kissing her neck one last time. ‘Try not to worry. At least Mrs Milton’s not going to stumble around the park any more.’

When Maggie was alone again, she wrapped her mother’s quilt around her and let her thoughts lead her to the old park bench. Another empty space had opened up in her life. She had lost a dear friend and could only imagine how keenly Ted would be grieving the loss of his wife who had left him in more ways than one. Tears trickled down the side of her face with renewed force.

22

Elsa’s body heaved as yet another heart-rending sob tore from her lungs and burned the back of her throat. She couldn’t live with the pain and resisted the urge to breathe in again. She was going to drown in her own tears.

Her arms were aching as she wrapped them tightly around the pillow in a futile attempt to fill the crushing void. For purchase, her fingers were digging into her flesh but she welcomed the pain. She deserved no less. With a reflexive gasp of unwelcomed air she breathed in the scent of fresh laundry. Her nose was blocked so it was more a sense of taste than smell, clinical and sterile. Every shred of her baby’s existence had been erased.

A memory flashed before her eyes and she lost herself to it. Instinctively she loosened her grip and began to cradle the pillow. She was in her bedroom at Flo Jackson’s house. The towels that had been laid on the bed as she gave birth lay crumpled in a corner of the room and the smell of her exertions lingered in the air. She had been lucky to get back in time: the urge to push had overpowered her as soon as she had raised the alarm and Tess had been born within minutes.

With the baby’s arrival had come less welcome guests. Anne and the doctor had been called as soon as Aunt Flo had noticed Elsa was missing and they had appeared like spectres at the side of her bed even as her body was recovering from the throes of childbirth. When Aunt Flo cut the cord, Elsa had held out her arms to comfort her baby girl but Anne was reaching out for her too.

‘She deserves to hold her child! Don’t you dare deny her that,’ Flo had growled to her niece.

‘You know you have to give her up, don’t you?’ Anne had said. ‘You know it’s for the best.’

Elsa ignored her. She couldn’t take her eyes from the baby as Flo quickly bathed her with warm water and a damp cloth before swaddling her in a cotton sheet. She watched unblinking as Tess was placed in her arms, her tiny hands pulling free of her swaddling, her long, pink fingers grasping for purchase as she cried.

Gently rocking her baby, Elsa could feel her breasts tingle as they began to produce milk, her body’s response a contradiction to everything she had been told of her ability to be a mother. But when she asked to feed her, Flo had simply shaken her head, letting loose a single tear that slipped down her cheek. Elsa began to stroke her daughter’s face to soothe her cries and the baby sought out her finger and suckled hungrily. It was Elsa’s turn to cry and her vision blurred as she looked into her daughter’s bright blue eyes and silently begged her forgiveness.

At Anne’s insistence, her husband wrote up the medical notes that would describe another version of events, while Elsa held on to the living proof that Freddie had loved her once. She hadn’t needed Anne reminding her what must be done, she already knew. She wanted to hate the woman who would take her place in Tess’s life but Elsa knew, deep down, it was the right thing to do and she had no one to blame but herself. Anne wasn’t a bad person and she would be the better mother but when the time came, she couldn’t let go and her tears fell on the baby’s face as she grappled with Flo in a desperate tug-of-war.

‘Please, Flo, I can’t do this. I’ll do anything you ask, just don’t take her from me,’ Elsa begged. ‘Please, please, I can’t do it, don’t make me.’

‘You love your daughter, I know that,’ Aunt Flo answered softly as she forced her hands between Elsa’s arms and the baby to prise her free. ‘Love her enough to let her go.’

‘I can’t … I can’t … I can’t …’ Elsa repeated between desolate sobs. But she did love Tess enough, and with more strength than she imagined she could ever possess, she leant forward and rested her lips on her daughter’s forehead. The baby’s downy soft skin was wet and Elsa tasted the saltiness of her own tears. Her nose was completely blocked but she could still smell that unique mix of scents that was and always would be Tess. ‘I will never forget you,’ she whispered, ‘not ever.’ Her grip on her daughter had loosened just enough for Flo to take the baby from her and there had been a physical wrench in her chest as she felt her heart break.

The memory sent a shudder down Elsa’s spine. Even now she could hear herself and the baby wailing in perfect synchronicity. She buried her head deeper into the pillow and inhaled slowly, searching out even the subtlest scent of her baby’s wet skin or the lilac-scented water Flo Jackson had used to bathe her.

‘Will you describe every single detail to me? I want to know what the home looks like and if it looks well maintained. I want to know how many staff there are and what they’re wearing and how clean the place is. And tell me about the residents, do they look cared for, do they look happy?’ Maggie instructed.

‘I’ll describe everything,’ confirmed Jenny.

‘And be honest.’

‘Maggie, please …’ Jenny said. She had fifteen years’ experience of being Maggie’s eyes and she was losing patience. ‘I’ve never been able to pull the wool over your eyes before and I’m not about to start now.’

‘Sorry.’ Maggie leant back against the headrest. She was grateful that Jenny had sacrificed a precious Sunday afternoon to take her to the care home. James had offered but he had to take the boys home and she wasn’t prepared to wait another day.

‘How was the holiday?’

‘Fine, everything was fine. How’s Mark getting on?’

‘The holiday was
that
good?’ Jenny remarked with more than a hint of sarcasm.

‘Sorry, Jen, I promise I’ll tell you all about France when my mind’s settled. Now, back to you and Mark.’

Jenny didn’t argue, there was still plenty of other news to catch up on. ‘I got the job.’

‘No!’ Maggie said. ‘Really?’

Jenny had the good grace to laugh at her friend’s disbelief. ‘Yes, that seems to be the general reaction I’m getting from people. I’m not sure I can believe it myself. I don’t start until October, which gives Mark plenty of time to get settled with his own career, or should I say careers.’