Where I Found You (27 page)

Maggie scrambled out of the living room, pulling the door half closed before picking up the phone in the hallway. ‘Hello?’ she whispered.

‘Hi, Maggie – it’s Mel. I’m not disturbing you, am I?’

A frown furrowed Maggie’s brow and her anxiety returned with renewed force. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Before I tell you, I need you to understand that it’s nothing to worry about,’ Mel explained carefully.

Maggie wasn’t reassured. ‘Is there something wrong with the baby?’

‘No, Maggie, nothing like that. Is James with you?’

‘No.’ Her voice was quivering now. ‘Mel, please, you’re scaring me.’

Her midwife began to explain, taking her time to go through what had happened. Maggie had the presence of mind to ask some pertinent questions but once she knew all there was to tell, she stopped listening to Mel’s continued assurances and focused instead on her growing anger and the voice inside her head repeatedly telling her that this wasn’t happening; it
couldn’t
be happening. Maggie’s ears pricked to Lily waking up in the next room, reminding her of the simple joys of motherhood that seemed more out of reach than ever. No longer able to deny what she was being told, Maggie was filled with such a feeling of cold dread that by the time she ended the call with Mel, Lily wasn’t the only one crying.

Lily was sitting in her baby recliner, kicking her legs as she drank her juice. She was old enough to hold her bottle by herself but kept dropping it onto the floor deliberately to make her new babysitter gasp. It might have entertained Lily but Maggie’s smile was forced, the curve of her mouth catching the tears slipping silently down her face.

Moving towards the window, she checked her watch. It was almost ten o’clock and her ears strained for the sound of a car pulling up. It was only when she heard the knock on the door she realised Kathy had chosen to walk the short distance between the salon and the house.

‘Sorry, Maggie, I tried to get away as soon as I could.’

The call she had received half an hour earlier had been fraught. Maggie had barely been able to speak but it hadn’t been the sobbing that had frightened Kathy most, it had been the anger in her voice.

‘So what exactly happened?’ Kathy asked once they were sitting in the living room where Lily had been waiting noisily for someone to pick up her bottle.

Maggie swallowed hard but the lump wedged in her throat wouldn’t budge. ‘Mel’s been talking to someone from social services,’ she began but had to stop to take a breath. She felt woozy and willed herself to calm down but the fury only burned brighter as she explained to Kathy exactly what her midwife had told her: a social worker from the Child Protection Unit had been in touch. Mel had assured her that Maggie was receiving all the support she needed and there were absolutely no concerns, and the social worker had been satisfied with the response. Mel had hoped that would be the end of the matter and Maggie need never know but she had just received a copy letter from the social worker confirming the case was closed. The original was winging its way to Maggie.

If that had been all that Mel had told her then Maggie might have been able to keep things in perspective, but she knew that for Child Protection to be involved, someone had to think her baby was at risk and eventually Maggie had forced it out of her.

The inquiry had been triggered by a call made from a well-meaning member of the public who had been eager to share her concerns, one of which had been that the baby might be born with disabilities or might suffer learning difficulties as a result of being brought up by a disabled parent. The questions were familiar ones and Maggie had no doubt that the person asking them would be just as familiar to her.

‘I can’t believe how easily I’ve been fooled,’ Maggie said, her voice trembling. ‘I thought we’d turned a corner. Judith actually phoned me up this morning to wish me luck! Why has she done this, Kathy? How could she be so cruel?’

‘Maybe it wasn’t her,’ Kathy suggested.

‘There you go! I can tell straight away that
you’re
lying. Why couldn’t I see through her lies as easily?’ Her jaw was clenched but she couldn’t hold back the sob.

‘Have you phoned James yet?’

Maggie shook her head. ‘He’ll still be playing on the boat and I don’t want Jenny to find out and worry. Oh my God, what if she gets into trouble for leaving Lily with me?’

Kathy took hold of Maggie’s trembling hand. ‘Maggie, think about it,’ she said firmly. ‘No one with any sense doubts your abilities and especially not social services. They’ve had enough dealings with you over the years, haven’t they? To support you, not condemn you. If they’ve had an inquiry then they have to follow it up but the case is already closed. You’ve been looking forward to having Lily over to stay so please don’t let this spoil anything. There’s no reason to change your plans. Enjoy your weekend, let Jenny enjoy hers and everything else can wait.’

Lily dropped her bottle on the floor again. It was empty and, without even thinking, Maggie picked it up and put it on a nearby table. From the same table, she picked up the baby’s comforter doll and dangled it in front of the recliner. Lily grasped it in her chubby fingers and pulled it to her with a contented chuckle. ‘I can’t look after her,’ Maggie whispered.

‘You’re a natural, Maggie. All you have to do is believe in yourself.’

Maggie gulped back another sob but the tears were already falling. ‘I can’t do it any more, Kathy. I’m sick of it. What’s the point in building myself up to do something when there are people queuing up to knock me down?’ In the distance, Maggie thought she heard the creak of the park gate. Where once she would immediately think of the park bench, now she thought only of the murky waters of the lake.

Kathy read her mind. ‘You’re scaring me, Maggie.’

‘I won’t do anything silly,’ she promised. ‘It’s just that … I just thought Judith had finally accepted me. I wish it didn’t matter but it does. Oh, God, Kathy, what’s James going to say?’

‘To his mum? Quite a lot I should think – I know I certainly will. Would you like me to hang around until he’s home?’

‘No, I’d rather speak to him on my own,’ Maggie said, taking a juddering breath as she tried to staunch her tears. ‘All I need you to do is take care of Lily.’

‘No.’

Maggie couldn’t hide the shock. ‘Please, Kathy, I need you to take her. This morning I was anxious about looking after her but now I’m downright terrified,’ Maggie said, her voice quaking. ‘What if something happens while she’s in my care? I can’t take that chance. I don’t want to end up on the “At Risk Register” or whatever it’s called before I’ve even given birth.’

‘That won’t happen.’

‘Please, Kathy,’ Maggie said and now her whole body was shaking. ‘Do you want me to beg? Because I will.’ Terrified that her friend might refuse again, she quickly added, ‘In fact I
am
begging you.’

There was a loud sigh. ‘I can’t believe Judith has reduced you to this. While I’m so glad I brought you and James together, I can’t help feeling I need to apologise for inflicting his mother on you.’ She paused a moment and then said, ‘I suppose the salon could do without me for the rest of the day. That gives you time to explain everything to James and decide what you want to do. But I’m afraid I have far too much to do this weekend already so looking after Lily for three days is simply out of the question. If you’re not prepared to stand and fight then you’re going to have to call off what will probably be Jenny and Mark’s last chance to have a break for a very long time. And who knows what kind of stress that will put on their marriage?’

Relieved that the immediate problem of Lily’s care had been taken care of and in spite of her tears, Maggie felt the sides of her mouth twitch in response to Kathy’s brazen manipulation. ‘That was a bit harsh. What is it that’s keeping you so busy anyway? I know you’re not working in the salon over the weekend.’

‘Oh, the simple matter of buying one house and clearing out another two.’

‘Your mum’s agreed to the move?’

‘She’s still dragging her heels but after taking her around to see the granny flat she’s started to show a bit more interest. I have to go over tomorrow to sort through the mountains of paperwork she and Dad have accumulated over the years. Most of it is to do with the property business so that means I’ll probably end up bringing it all home. So much for me downsizing.’

‘But you could still look after Lily until then,’ Maggie said desperately.

‘I’ll take her for the rest of the day but no more. Speak to James and let me know when you’re ready to pick her up. Tonight,’ Kathy added firmly.

‘But …’

‘I’m just telling you how it is,’ Kathy said with a dismissive sniff. ‘Oh dear, I think someone needs changing! You can do this one and show me how it’s done.’

‘You really don’t take any prisoners, do you?’ Maggie remarked.

‘Sorry.’

Maggie groaned as she stood up to see to Lily. ‘It’s not for you to apologise, Kath, but we both know who should.’

Maggie didn’t know which way to turn, so she stood staring at the front door long after Kathy had left. The house felt empty but it wasn’t Lily’s departure that had opened up a gaping hole in her life; that had already been created by a human version of a wrecking ball.

All her preparations from earlier that morning had been swept away. What Kathy hadn’t taken with her had been piled into a store cupboard ready to be collected by whoever was going to take over Lily’s care. Kathy was still holding out hope that Maggie would change her mind but in stark contrast, Maggie held out no hope at all, in anything.

Maggie couldn’t bring herself to return to the living room, or the kitchen, or the dining room where even the faintest hint of Lily’s chamomile and calendula baby lotion would set off her emotions again. With nowhere else to turn, she fled to her bedroom and almost made it to her refuge before stubbing her toe on the corner of the bed. The howl of pain quickly escalated into a scream, first through gritted teeth and then at full force. When the last ounce of air had been ripped from her lungs, she collapsed onto the bed and wrapped the bedspread around her. Harvey jumped up next to her and his wet nose sought out her face, which was buried in a pillow. When she didn’t respond, he lay down quietly by her side.

Maggie was barely aware of the dog, wasn’t even aware of the throbbing pain in her toe. She was, however, conscious of the bedspread that cocooned her. She and her mum had made the quilt together in preparation for moving into her new home with James. It had been made from a series of six-inch squares in a variety of materials with different designs to create depth and texture but, more importantly, it was made from love. Exhausted by the barrage of thoughts and emotions that had assaulted her, the quilt gave her an escape route into the relative safety of the past and eventually lulled her into a fitful sleep.

In her dream, Maggie was riding her friend’s bike through the park. She could hear the wheels whirring and the sound of her mum running behind. Joan was calling out instructions, mostly to Maggie but occasionally to pedestrians who dared to get in her daughter’s way. ‘You’re doing it on your own!’ she shouted. Maggie’s heart soared but then she veered off course onto grass and the crunch of gravel was replaced by ominous silence. The bike began to judder as it hit potholes and Maggie reached behind her in panic. She touched her mum’s arm – which had been holding the bike upright all along. The shock made Maggie cry out and as she felt herself fall she heard a door slam and woke with a start. James was home.

Without saying a word, James took off his boots in the hallway and then shuffled off into the kitchen. Maggie huddled deeper under the quilt. He would have noticed that the pram was missing and assumed that impatience had got the better of his wife and she had gone out with Lily. Harvey was the one to take charge and the thud as he dropped down off the bed was loud enough to be heard downstairs.

‘Maggie? Is that you?’

She felt sick to her stomach. It might only have been an illusion but life had been good in the last few weeks, she had belonged to a family again. She really didn’t want to do this and a fresh wave of despair washed over her as she felt more alone than ever. She tried to draw herself tighter into a ball but her bump made bringing her knees any closer to her chest impossible.

James crept into the bedroom then stumbled to a stop. ‘Where’s Lily?’

Maggie rubbed her face and the salty flakes of dried tears stung her eyes. She took a deep breath and held it as long as she could but the time for prevarication was over. ‘Kathy’s taken her for the day.’

‘Jesus, Maggie, what’s wrong? Is it the baby?’ James asked as he rushed to her side.

As James wrapped her in his arms, Maggie could feel the tension in his body. ‘The baby’s fine, I’m fine,’ she said. ‘I’ve had a call from Mel and before I tell you, I need you to promise me that you’ll stay calm.’

‘What’s happened?’ James asked, his voice confirming he was already far from calm.

She tried to massage the back of his neck but his flesh was as hard as iron. ‘There’s been some interest from social services into my case.’ Maggie paused long enough to let the idea that she had become a case sink in for both of them. ‘Someone has expressed concern and it was referred to Child Protection.’

‘Someone?’

‘A concerned citizen. I don’t know who, I doubt we would ever be told but,’ Maggie added, ‘Mel assured me that it was only an informal inquiry and she isn’t expecting it to go any further.’

‘A concerned citizen,’ James repeated under his breath.

Maggie didn’t reply. She wanted James to reach his own conclusions. It was more than Judith deserved but if this was going to destroy James’s trust in his mother, it would be because of Judith’s actions and not her own.

‘And what was this citizen so concerned about?’

‘She was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take care of the baby properly.’

‘She?’

‘Or he,’ Maggie added lamely.

‘Yes, of course. And what exactly were her concerns?’

Maggie shrugged. ‘I can’t remember.’