Where Rainbows End (35 page)

Phil:

Yeah. Say five Hail Marys and an Our Father, and God rest your messed-up little soul.

You have an instant message from: KATIE

Katie:

You look very interested in learning about the female reproduction system.

Toby:

I’m not. I’d rather figure it out for myself the proper way.

Katie:

Oh funny but you’ll be old and gray before anyone lets you get your hands on them. And then it’ll probably be a man.

Toby:

My best friend is a comedienne. You had a salad roll for lunch didn’t you?

Katie:

How do you no?

Toby:

KNOW not NO. Because I can see the lettuce hanging out of your braces. So what do you want?

Katie:

Well not that you deserve to be asked, I’m going to the orthodontist again later if you wanna come. You can ask him a million questions about everything he’s doing as always and annoy the hell out of him. It’s so funny the way that vein in his forehead pulsates when he sees you.

Toby:

Yeah I know. Sorry I can’t go. Monica is coming around to my house to watch the football.

Katie:

Monica, Monica, Monica. I’m sick of hearing about stupid Monica Doyle. She’s no more interested in football than the man on the moon.

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Cecelia Ahern

Toby:

Neil Armstrong could very well be a fan of football. She said she’s a fan of Manchester United.

Katie:

Yeah right. So why aren’t I invited to your house?

Toby:

Because you have to go to the dentist.

Katie:

Yes, but you didn’t no that until a second ago.

Toby:

OK then would you like to watch football, the sport that you absolutely hate with a passion with the two teams you hate even more, in my house today?

Katie:

I can’t. I’m busy.

Toby:

You see? Now don’t say I never ask you out anywhere.

Katie:

How long have you known that I’m going to the dentist?

Toby:

All of five minutes.

Katie:

How long ago did you invite Monica Doyle to your house?

Toby:

Last week.

Katie:

My point exactly!

You have an instant message from: KATIE

Katie:

Mum, I hate men.

Rosie:

Congratulations dear welcome to the club. Your membership is in the post. I’m so proud of this moment I wish I had a camera.

Katie:

Please Mum I’m serious.

Rosie:

And so am I. So what has Toby done this time?

Katie:

He’s invited Monica Doyle to his house to watch the football match and he didn’t invite me. Well he did, but only after he new I was busy.

Rosie:

Oh dear, he’s caught the bug already. Is this moany Monica we’re talking about? The little girl who cried all day at your tenth birthday party until her parents came to collect her because her false nail fell off?

Katie:

Yes.

Rosie:

Oh dear. I hate that child.

Katie:

She’s not a child anymore Mum. She’s 14, got the biggest chest in love, rosie

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the school, dyes her hair blond, leaves the top buttons of her polo shirt open in PE and leans down so the boys can see down her top.

She even flirts with Mr. Simpson and pretends not to understand what he’s talking about in computer class so he’ll come up behind her and lean over her to show her what to do.

She hates talking about anything other than shopping so I don’t no why she’s going to even bother watching football. Well actually I do no why.

Rosie:

Sounds like she’s got a case of the Slutty Bethinitis to me.

Katie:

What? What do I do about Monica?

Rosie:

Oh that’s simple. Assassinate her.

Katie:

Please Mum for once in your life be serious.

Rosie:

I am an incredibly serious woman. The only way to deal with this is to silence her. Because if not, she’ll only end up coming back to haunt you when you’re 32 years old. Death is the only thing for it.

Katie:

Thanks, but I’m open to any other suggestions you may have.

Rosie:

You said he invited you?

Katie:

Yes but only because he new I couldn’t go.

Rosie:

My dear sweet innocent daughter, an invitation is an invitation. It would be rude to turn him down. I suggest you turn up on his doorstep this evening, I’ll give you the money for the bus to his house.

Katie:

But Mum I can’t go! I’ve got an appointment with the orthodontist.

My brace broke again. Moany Monica hit me in the face with the basketball.

Rosie:

Well the dentist can wait. I’ll make another appointment for you.

This is a very important football match you know, I wouldn’t want you to miss it just because of a silly little thing like getting your teeth fixed.

Katie:

Thanks Mum!

Rosie:

Now get off the computer before Mr. Simpson catches you and reports me to Ms. Big Nose Smelly Breath Casey and gets me fired.

Katie:

You wish Mum. I don’t no how you work with her every day.

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Cecelia Ahern

Rosie:

Actually, I’m surprised to admit it myself but she’s not so bad. In fact she’s not bad at all. As far as bosses go she’s been really, really pleasant. Her name is Julie. Can you believe it? She actually has a first name. And all this time I had convinced myself it was Big Nose Smelly Breath. And it’s a nice, normal name too; I would have thought it was something more like Vladimir or Adolf.

Katie:

Ha, ha me too. But is it not really awkward working with someone who used to give out to you every day?

Rosie:

Things are a little awkward between us. It kind of feels like she’s an ex-boyfriend of mine and we’re meeting after years of separation.

Every day conversation becomes a little longer, a little friendlier, a little less about work and a little more about life. We’ve spent so many years arguing with each other it feels odd to agree on things.

It’s almost like we’re afraid of being tricked if one of us agrees with the other. But each day we talk more and more and earlier today I was surprised to hear her tell me that you are quite the intellect when you’re not being distracted by that boyfriend of yours.

Katie:

He’s so not my boyfriend Mum. Just shows how much she nos.

Rosie:

I know, I know. Alex and I had a hard time convincing her of the same thing when we were growing up. Do you know that she thought Alex was your dad?

Katie:

Did she?

Rosie:

Anyway I told her that Brian was your father and she couldn’t stop laughing . . . Actually perhaps this isn’t a story to tell you.

Katie:

Oh so she’s your “friend” now?

Rosie:

No, not exactly my bosom buddy friend, you know what I mean.

She’s a work colleague that I get along with.

Katie:

Wait till Alex hears you saying that, he’ll drop dead with the shock.

Rosie:

I’ll let you tell him.

Katie:

Oh I forgot you two still aren’t talking.

Rosie:

Yes well, it’s a long story honey.

Katie:

People who say it’s a long story mean it’s a stupid short one that they’re too embarrassed and couldn’t be bothered to tell. Why don’t you talk to him?

love, rosie

309

Rosie:

Because I don’t care about what he does anymore. What he does with his life is his own mistake and I have nothing to do with it now. Anyway he doesn’t want to hear about what I have to say.

Katie:

Our neighbor Rupert says, “Mistakes are the portals of discovery.”

Rosie:

Rupert doesn’t say that. James Joyce did.

Katie:

James who? Do I no him?

Rosie:

He’s dead.

Katie:

Oh sorry, did you no him well?

Rosie:

What on earth are they teaching you at school?

Katie:

At the moment it’s sex education. It’s boring as hell.

Rosie:

I would have to agree with you on that one. Anyway back to Alex, he has just changed as a person, love. He’s not the man I used to know. He’s different.

Katie:

He’d bloody want to be, he was 5 years old and drooling when you first met him. If Toby is still acting like a 14-year-old when we’re your age then I’ll worry.

Rosie:

Oh don’t worry Katie, I’m sure Toby will grow up to be a mature friend and family oriented dentist. But just as a warning, be prepared to meet many 30-year-old men who still think they’re 14

years old. Your father being a prime example . . .

Katie:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard all this before. Dad’s coming home for Christmas you no. He asked me to ask you if you we would eat Christmas dinner with him and his parents. Seeing as it’s only you and me this year anyway I thought it would be a great idea.

Rosie:

Well whoopdeedoo. Bring on Christmas day.

Katie:

I new you would be ecstatic at the idea Mum!

Hi love,

Hope all is well. It was great to see you at the weekend, thanks for coming over to us in the west and joining us in “hanging off the edge of the cliff,” as you put it! I promise the house will be in better order next time you come to see us, but I’m finding it so difficult to settle down after traveling for months.

Settling into a new home, in a new village, in a new county is an adventure for us. Everybody is so friendly here and our Irish is gradually coming 310

Cecelia Ahern

back to us. We don’t have neighbors as exciting as you seem to have in your new apartment, although if it makes you feel any better your father told me to tell you that the whole of Ireland has a complaint to make about its neighbors: being stuck between America and Britain.

You’re my wonderful brave baby girl, Rosie, and your dad and I are so, so proud of you. I hope you know that. You are so strong, you never allow anything to knock you back and you’re the best mother to Katie. She’s a feisty young lady now, isn’t she? She’s definitely her mother’s daughter. I’m sorry Dad and I left you at such an important time of your life, it just broke my heart having to leave you and Katie when you were going through all that stuff with what’s-his-name. But you’re a tough cookie and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

Remember Rosie that you can take on the world and win time and time again. I hope you know that. I’m not around enough now to tell you that.

Don’t mind what Alex said about you never doing anything right. I can understand that you were upset about it but he only said it to hurt you in a moment of anger. None of us are perfect. Don’t allow this argument with Alex to end your friendship. He’s been there for you all your life and you for him. I’ve seen you both grow together over the years and you surely can’t expect to grow in the same way all of the time, you have to take your own paths.

It would be such a shame for you to miss his wedding. I was talking to Sandra earlier on and she was telling me that they’re planning a very big Christmas wedding. They want to be married before the baby is born, and Bethany doesn’t want to be showing too much in her dress. Sandra would love for you and Rosie to be there, they’ve watched you grow up over the years too. I get the impression she’s not a huge fan of Bethany’s herself but she loves Alex and she wants to go to support him.

Sandra said that Dad and I are invited but unfortunately we can’t go because we are spending Christmas with Stephanie and Pierre in Paris, as you know. Christmas in Paris will be beautiful no doubt and I’m excited to meet granddaughter number two! It’s such a shame that you and Katie can’t come too but I understand she wants to spend her first Christmas with her dad, and I know she wants to get to know her “other” grandparents too. I love, rosie

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can’t help feeling jealous that they’ll be seeing my Katie on Christmas day, and I won’t!

Kevin has met a girl, would you believe, and he’s spending Christmas with her and her parents in Donegal. It must be serious. I think she’s a wait-ress in the same hotel as him or something but I’m not too sure. You know Kevin; he’s not too good at giving information out about his life.

Your dad says hello, he’s tucked up in bed with a nasty flu. He only got it the day you left so you’re lucky you missed out on that. He’s been very tired since he returned from the trip. We’re both in our sixties Rosie, how time went by so fast I’ll never know. Anyway I better go because he keeps calling me. Honestly you would think he was on his deathbed by the way he’s acting even though it’s nothing more than a case of the sniffles.

I’m so proud of my two girls in Dublin,

Love you,

Mum

S

Dr. Reginald & Miranda Williams

invite
Katie Dunne
to join them in celebrating the
marriage of their beloved daughter

Bethany Williams

To

Dr. Alex Stewart

At

The Memorial Church of Harvard University

& a reception at

The Boston Harbor Hotel

On the 28th of December

RSVP Miranda Williams (address overleaf)
S

Welcome to the Relieved Divorced Dubliners chat room
There are currently six people chatting
Divorced_1:

Oh LonelyLady just stop crying for one minute of your life and think about your situation. You should be angry not sad.

Repeat after me, I am a strong woman.

LonelyLady:

I am a strong woman.

Divorced_1:

I am in control of my life.

LonelyLady:

I am in control of my life.

Divorced_1:

It is
not
my fault that Tommy left.

LonelyLady:

It is
not
my fault that Tommy left.

Divorced_1:

And I don’t care that he did because he is a bastard.