Whiter Shades of Pale (24 page)

Thinking about global warming.

Still considers the ponytail “counterculture.”

Flat stomach from twenty-five-mile hike and bikes.

Lung capacity reduced due to forty years of marijuana smoking.

Shoes purchased at Whole Foods.

When it comes to food, all white people are either allergic to or have stopped eating everything you consider delicious. Peanuts, flour, meat, sugar—it’s all out. It’s a good idea to come to grips with the reality of this now, because it will save you a lot of headaches in the future.

When white people come to your house, you will be forced to deal with the problem in a very real, very immediate sense. You will be limited by their dietary restrictions and they will be limited by the contents of your kitchen. You can mitigate this situation by stocking your pantry with dozens of complicated and expensive snacks. Or you could take the easy way out and just buy a tub of hummus.

All white people like hummus. In fact, if you find a white person who does not like hummus, then they probably just haven’t tasted it or they are the wrong kind of white person. In either case they are probably not someone you want to know.

Putting out a plate of hummus and pita makes white people very comfortable. It reminds them of home, since at any given time a white person has hummus in their fridge. Even the most barren white refrigerator will have a package of the stuff next to an empty Brita filter.

White people are also relieved when they see hummus because they instantly know the ingredients and recognize them all as edible. Though you would never be able to guess it by their actions, white people are very concerned with being perceived as “annoying” or “that guy” who has to
ask about the ingredients of everything they eat. Yet in spite of this important concern, they are still more afraid of being “that guy” who eats high-fructose corn syrup or pork.

Familiarize yourself with the dietary restrictions of white people, since it will play itself out every time you try to pick a restaurant with a white person.

By providing your guests with a plate of hummus, you can guarantee that you won’t have to have this infuriating conversation in your own home. But that doesn’t mean you are safe. To cover all your bases, it is also always a good idea to keep some gluten-free crackers in your pantry. That way if you bring out a plate of hummus and pita and discover that one of the white people cannot eat gluten, you will be ready to pull off a truly incredible move.

First, pretend not to understand why the person cannot eat wheat. Then go back to the kitchen and return with the gluten-free crackers. Everyone will be impressed by your ability to psych out people with food allergies.

Wait one week and relive the story with different white people. It will make them laugh and secretly wish to be invited to your next hummus-eating party.

White people believe that everyone else on earth is in better shape than them. Because of this, they are always eager and willing to embrace any exercise fad that comes from a foreign country’s military. Though they hate the idea of war and the military-industrial complex, they love the idea of increased lung capacity and solid abs.

In recent years, some popular examples include capoeira (Brazil), Krav Maga (Israel), and kettlebells (Russia). Much in the same way that foreign nations can provide spiritual salvation without a lot of effort (thank you, Buddhism), it is the hope of every white person that they can find a physical fitness equivalent in a foreign military.

Just as white people all hope that becoming a Buddhist involves buying a book and a statue, they hope a new fitness regime will require only a new piece of equipment and maybe a new outfit.

During the first few weeks of this new regimen, white people will not shut up about how great they feel. How they have more energy, feel stronger, and are thinking about moving on to more physically challenging feats such as marathons, hikes, triathlons, or some sort of vacation that involves nothing but exercise.

But don’t worry, most white people will just give up after two weeks when they realize that they do not have the chiseled torso of a soldier or the ability to take down a man three times their size. They will have no choice but to quit and wait for the next trend.

If you hope to start one of these trends, it’s not very hard. You just have to ask a white person, “Have you ever seen a fat [insert nationality or job]?” And while the reason for the lack of obesity is generally “malnutrition” or “poverty,” most white people consider it more logical that the svelte figures are the result of a magic exercise and some sort of tea.

Suggested workout plans: Prison Workout, Day Laborer Fitness Routine, and the Subsistence Farmer Abdominal Shred.

The name alone should clue you in to the fact that white people love them. Though it can be very hard to eat “vintage” food due to spoilage, heirloom tomatoes are as close as white people can get.

These tomatoes come from seeds handed down by generations of farmers and produce tomatoes with no uniformity in color or shape. Essentially each tomato is its own unique and special entity, sort of like a white child—though it should be noted that you should never imply that eating a tomato is in any way similar to eating a white child. The only way to escape from this awkward conversation would be to try to move the conversation to a discussion of Jonathan Swift, but even that requires the deftest of touches with white people to pull off.

Much in the same way that white people like to be able to trace their pedigree back to the
Mayflower
or (if they are lucky) a Native American, they are very comfortable with the idea that their food can do the same
thing. In fact, if you could create a fake document that proved your tomatoes were somehow descended from the farm of George Washington Carver, white people would probably pay $20 per tomato not only for the flavor but for the opportunity to eat progress.

With its advanced pedigree, one-of-a-kind shape and taste, high earning potential, and elevated status at a farmer’s market, the heirloom tomato is the food equivalent to everything that white people hope to be. If you present one as a gift to a white person, be sure to mention how much the fruit reminds you of them.

It is a certainty that if you are ever required to go to the hospital for any sort of injury, the first thing that a white person will ask you is which drugs you were given. They won’t ask about lingering effects, the quality of care, how it affected your family, your insurance situation—none of that will matter in the face of their curiosity about which drugs you were given.