Who We Are (27 page)

But she still did not sleep right away. Now she felt curious about what more it was that Sarah Jane wanted to tell her. She imagined many possibilities before she finally rested her thoughts on Johnny. She longed for his touch and hoped he would sneak into her room and sleep with her. As she thought about snuggling in his arms, she finally drifted off to sleep. And, she dreamed.

She was sitting on a big porch on a wooden swing. She was in a quaint little neighbourhood surround by houses with beautifully manicured lawns and colourful flower gardens. The street was lined with tall oak trees. Lots of children were running about and playing. She saw a woman with long red hair walking up the street. The woman paused in front of the house and waved. “I will see you soon, darling. Be careful.” It was her Mammy.

Next, a tall handsome man with coppery red hair and beard walked by. He, too, stopped and looked up at the porch. He put his hand to his heart and then pointed to her. It was her Daddy.

Behind her Daddy, she saw Patrick. He ran up to the porch but stopped at the steps. He tried to climb the steps, but was not able to. It was like there was an invisible wall preventing him from coming any closer. He called to her, “Bee Bee! I can’t get up. Please help me!” He started to whimper, but she made a gently shushing sound and blew him a kiss. “I love you, Patrick, and I will see you soon.” Daddy picked up the distraught child and walked down the street.

This scenario continued with everyone she ever knew stopping at the front of the house and turning to her to communicate something to her. Some of them made gestures, such as blowing kisses or hugs while some mouthed words to her, such as ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’ or ‘please come back soon’. Many tried to climb the stairs on the porch to join her, but they were all stopped by the invisible wall at the bottom of the step. The parade of people seemed endless. When the sidewalk was once again empty, a sense of sadness overwhelmed her. She missed everyone terribly and longed for warm and loving hugs from those she held most dear.

As she sat and wept quietly, she soon saw another figure in the distance walking toward her house. As the figure drew nearer to her, she could see that it was a young man. It was Aedan.

When he got to the stone path that led to the porch, he turned and sauntered up. There seemed to be no invisible wall. When he got to the bottom step, he climbed the stairs and joined her on the swing. He pulled her close and they snuggled together. She closed her eyes for several moments to enjoy the embrace completely. When she re-opened them, she saw a lady standing on the sidewalk in front of her house. It was Mama. She looked pale and thin. She was wearing an old pair of track pants and a t-shirt. Her hair was strewn sloppily on her head and she looked sickly. Desire could see bruises and scabs on her arms. She looked extremely fragile, yet mustered the strength to smile at the girl on the porch. As she did so, her inner beauty shone through. She waved goodbye and then continued walking down the sidewalk.

Yet another figure approached the house. She had difficulty making out who this person might be as her vision seemed to blur. She could tell it was a girl. By the time the girl stopped at the edge of the path, she could see clearly who this was. It was herself. She was wearing a pair of jeans with tennis shoes, and a warm Shetland sweater that was olive green. A lacy beige camisole peeked out from beneath the V-neck sweater. She got up from the swing and stood at the top of the stairs. Her other self smiled brightly at her and headed toward the porch stairs. When she got to the bottom, she did not hesitate; she climbed the stairs. Again, there was no invisible wall. When she got to the top of the stairs she stared at the girl. It was like she was staring into a bizarre looking glass, except the reflection was a slightly different version. It was Desire and Darby, face to face. They embraced each other and in an instant, they were one. She stood there speechless for a moment and then turned to Aedan who was still sitting on the porch swing.

“Aedan, I am back.”

Chapter Twenty Two

Desire woke up to smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen. She sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. She had a very sharp headache and as she swung her legs out to sit on the side of the bed, she was overcome by a flood of emotions. There it all was. Her memory had come back.

She closed her eyes and it was like a thousand movies played in her mind all at once. It was her life, her
real
life. She felt like she was stuck inside a tornado with everything spinning around inside her head. Memories of her parents, Patrick and Aedan flooded her consciousness. It was likened to how people describe a near-death experience. Her entire life was flashing before her eyes and she didn’t try to stop it. Memories and moments flashed through her mind and her heart felt like a roller coaster of emotion. She laid back down and allowed herself to give in to this experience. When she arrived at this very moment, she opened her eyes.

She looked around her room and became filled with a sense of dread. This was not her home and this was not her room. This was her prison. The vision that haunted her most was the vision of her mother, father and Patrick. They were a very close family and she considered her Mammy her best friend. She longed to feel their arms around her.

She closed her eyes and willed herself to replay every past Christmas and Thanksgiving available to her. She recalled going to see the New England Patriots play football on Sunday and coming home to her mother’s special Sunday feast. She recalled her prom and hanging out with her friends. But the last and most haunting vision was of Patrick. He was her little buddy and he adored her. She had been his friend, his mentor and, most of all, his protector. She had always watched out for him. Unlike her other high school friends who couldn’t be bothered with their younger siblings, she made sure that Patrick always came first in her life.

What did her family think happened to her? Did they think she was dead or did they think she was just missing? If they thought she was dead they wouldn’t even be looking for her, but if they thought she was missing that would be worse for them; forever wondering what had happened to her, not knowing if she was alive or dead.

Then she thought about Aedan and his family. Aedan’s father must be devastated. Aedan was the apple of his father’s eye and they were extremely close. They were more than just father and son – they were best friends. Aedan often turned down invitations from school friends to hang out with his dad. That was not unusual in traditional Irish families though; family always came first.

As Desire got out of bed, she thought of the expression,
ignorance is bliss
and how true that statement was. Without memory of who she was, living in this caged world had been simple and aside from suffering punishment from occasional mischief, it was pretty easy. She didn’t know how long she could keep up this charade. Being a subservient follower went against every fiber of her being. She had been raised to be a strong and independent woman. She had a fiery spirit in her and the more she thought about all that happened to her here—particularly in the last week—the angrier she became.

Once dressed, she sat back down on her bed and had a flashback back to her attack in the forest by Nathaniel. The entire vile incident replayed in her mind over and over. She could feel the damp ground under her and taste the dirt in her mouth. A wave of nausea came over her and she thought she might vomit. She took off her clothes and headed back to the bathroom. She filled the tub with nearly scalding hot water and scrubbed every inch of her skin until most of it was reddened and raw. She washed her mouth out with lavender soap trying to get rid of the taste of dirt. She sobbed heavily in the tub, tears streaming down her cheeks and chest heaving.

Mama must have heard the commotion because she heard ‘Mama’ run up the stairs. The door flung open. Mama stood at the doorway with a look of shock on her face, examining Desire sitting in the tub with tear-stained cheeks and raw, red skin. Mama rushed over to her with a towel and directed Desire to get up and out. She held Desire’s shoulders firmly. “Desire, what have you done? Why did you do this?”

Without giving it much thought, Desire blurted out the whole awful ordeal with Nathaniel in the forest. She shook as she told the story and then blurted out how she terrified she felt that he might catch her and do worse things to her. Now that her memory had come back, she knew what those things might be. 

As ‘Mama’ gently patted her dry, Desire stood there motionless. The tears were all gone and she was too exhausted to say or do anything.

“Now you wait there.” She left the bathroom and Desire heard her go into her own room.

When she came back she had a little tub of homemade salve made from Aloe Vera. She gently applied it to Desire’s red skin and then helped her get dressed. When Desire was dressed, Mama took her hand.

“Desire, I can’t imagine how you feel right now, but you have my word that I will do everything I can to save you. I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for you. With God as my witness, I will kill him myself before I let him near you again. Up until now, my life has meant nothing. Whether I live or die will not make one bit of difference to anyone and I have accepted that. But I promise you that before I do die, I will do one thing to make my life worthwhile. My mission in life now is saving you.”

Desire looked as this woman, ’Mama’, sitting beside her. She looked into Mama’s eyes and she saw sadness; not the sadness you see from an instance of disappointment, but more like a sorrow you would see in a tortured soul. Despite that, she also saw genuine tenderness.

She hugged Mama, but this was not the embrace of mother and daughter. This was an embrace of comfort, promise and security. This embrace to them was like a handshake between men. It was their word that they would face this craziness together.

When Mama pulled away, she was smiling. “Let’s go have our morning coffee. We have to go to the staple store today and do all of our daily chores.” As she said this, she put a finger over her lips. Desire understood that Mama as telling her that there was to be no more discussions like this one inside the house.

They ate their breakfast in silence except for the occasional offer of more coffee or request to pass the jelly. Desire didn’t feel hungry at all but she knew she would need her strength. She thought about having to go to the staple store today and her stomach started to tie up in knots. Could she face Nathaniel again without falling to pieces? She thought about this for a moment as she finished her toast. Then something stirred inside her. Why should she be afraid of him? She refused to give him that power over her. The old Darby spirit comforted her. She was not the innocent and vulnerable girl she was just one week ago.

After they tidied up the breakfast dishes, they headed out together for the staple store. Mama hadn’t come with her in a long time, but she was comforted in her presence now that they shared a secret between them. She felt that ’Mama’ genuinely wanted to protect Desire from a possible encounter with Nathaniel.

They waved to passing neighbours and shared polite niceties. As they walked through town though, Desire no longer saw this place as her home. The buildings all seemed dark and foreboding. She wondered about the people they passed as they walked to the store. Were they all recovered drug addicts like Mama? Were they like her and Johnny? Where did all these people come from? She acknowledged that these were all questions that may never be answered.

As they approached the store, Desire felt butterflies in her stomach. Mama started to go in with her, but Desire turned to her and shook her head. Mama nodded in acknowledgement. Desire watched Mama walk to the nearby bench to sit down and noted how Mama looked a little more pale and fragile than before. Recounting the story of her old life to Desire must have taken a physical toll on her, Desire decided.

Desire turned away from the bench and focused on the store. She paused at the entrance, mustered up her Irish spirit, and walked into the store with her head held high. She scanned the store and saw that no one else was inside, except Nathaniel behind the counter. When he saw her, he developed a nasty grin on his face.

“Well. Good morning, Desire. I suppose you have heard the good news.”

She raised her eyebrows, but didn’t say anything.

“Your Papa has agreed that we would make a fine match and I will be courting you. Given my father’s status and reputation in the community, I am sure they will all agree that you should marry me and not Johnny. And don’t you worry, sweetheart, the forest was just a taste of what will come when you are all mine.”

She felt heat rise up in her and her face turn red. She pushed her fear aside and let her deep-seated anger steer her. She slowly walked up to the counter and passed her list to him. He took the list from her, not taking his eyes off of her. He stood there staring at her and she could see a meanness in his eyes that almost knocked her over.

Finally, he disappeared for a few moments then came back with her box of supplies. He set it on the counter and whispered, “Until we meet again, my luscious sweetheart.”

She pulled the box toward her and then bent over the counter toward him. She motioned for him to lean in so she could whisper something in his ear. He smiled smugly and leaned in.  Her lips almost brushed his ear. “Listen here you sick, twisted, dirty motherfucker. If you every come near me again, I will fucking kill you. You don’t scare me and if you think I am lying, just test me. The next time you dare to look at me, let alone touch me, I will make sure it will be the last thing you ever do. I am not who you think I am, asshole. You think you’re tough? You don’t know what tough is. And if you tell anyone what I just said you will be standing in front of the congregation with my Mama’s and Johnny’s testimony to confirm how you brutally raped and violated me in that forest. So what if I was in the forest that day? You think I’m scared of being punished? Think again, asshole. I’ve survived punishment before; I’ll survive it again. You’re the one who should feed afraid. I’m sure rape carries a lot more severe punishment than tip-toeing through the forest.” She pulled back from his ear, with fire in her eyes and stared him down. She did not break her stare until he finally looked away. For once, Nathaniel was speechless. Desire picked up her box of goods and left the store.