William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return (4 page)

Nuh Jedi modst be inco ee, baanah.

Old Bib but echoes what the man doth say!

Ahh, ko ja vaya sko. Ees turo na

Om Jedi mine chik.

[Jabba strikes Bib Fortuna, who falls.

—Let me be plain:

Thou shalt with all expedience produce

Both Captain Solo and the Wookiee, and

Shall grant our safe departure from this place.

’Tis this, and nothing more, I shall accept.

Ya ku kacha ka puna ni sa. Ee?

My Jedi powers may not work on thee,

But still I shall take Captain Solo and

His friends. Thou canst yet choose to profit from

This plan, or be destroy’d. It is thy choice,

But thou art warn’d: to underestimate

My pow’r would bring about thy end at once.

But Master Luke, thou standest on—

—Ban gon

Wah she co, cah O Jedi. Cho kanya

Wee shaja keecho, ho!

Now shall we see the rancor rancorous!

[
aside:
] Alas, now Luke is thrown into the pit—

His skill must see him through. My part shall be

To give protection to the princess now.

For pity—now the monster hideous

Hath come forth from his hiding place to sup.

[
sings:
] They shriek at my mystique,

My teeth they’ll die beneath—

A feast made for a beast,

A treat that I may eat!

What terrifying creature-thing is this?

Ne’er have I such a ghastly being seen.

But still these thoughts, for succor have they none:

Be calm now, Luke, or else—sans doubt—you die.

Squeal!

—That poor guard shall be the first to fall,

For he doth panic and is cornerèd.

The rancor slowly makes his way t’ward him

And sees his dinner spread before his eyes.

O wretched beast! He tears the guard apart

With sound of breaking bones and crumpl’d flesh.

One need not know six million language forms

To understand the screams and sudden hush.

It shall be time to hire another guard!

[
sings:
] The fat one now is flat,

He growls within me bow’ls,

And yet I’ll not forget

To source my second course.

He turns in my direction, counting on

His next delicious morsel to be ta’en

E’en from my body. Aye, he cometh quick!

This stick shall my protection be—we’ll see

If he hath appetite for wooded grains.

[
aside:
] Luke now is in its grasp, but cunningly

Hath bought a little time, and put a log

Inside the creature’s mouth. Fight on, good Luke!

Well done, dear friend. Anon, make haste and flee!

[
sings:
] The one doth quickly run,

I’ll catch him—down the hatch him!

The stick’s a nasty trick—

His head shall be my bread.

Now swiftly through the monster’s legs I fly,

For yonder, past the creature, lies a door!

On reaching it, I shall make my escape.

[Luke attempts to open the door.

Alas, but what is this? More bars behind

The door!

—O Master, find another course!

’Tis just the beast and I. But look, how he

Doth come toward me through the very gate

Whence first he came. If I could close the gate

On him, he shall be slain. Aye, here’s a rock,

And there’s the panel for the door’s control.

’Tis now or ne’er. I call upon the Force

To guide this rock unto the very spot.

His plan hath been reveal’d—O clever Luke!

The rock he throweth straight and hits the mark—

The gate doth fall, the rancor is destroy’d!

O brave escape, O clever, daring Luke!

Nuh toota ah! Gungsh Solo nuh Wookiee!

Takootay noota bangass nuh baskah.

My master’s plaything cunningly dispos’d—

If Jabba shall not play, he’ll make them pay.

O that this too, too sullied flesh would melt

Into oblivion, if I without

My pet belov’d must live. O darkest world!

O misery beyond compare to me.

Already my beast’s life doth play its part

Within the tend’rest mem’ries of my brain.

How well I do remember when the beast

Was but a rancor pup. It was the runt—

Was almost eaten by its mother cruel—

Indeed, it had but little chance for life.

Yet it was purchas’d as a novelty

By Jawas who e’er seek abnormal things.

I bought it from this band of Jawas, who

Related to me all it had been through

And chargèd me a paltry sum for such

A worthy animal. Then did I raise

It from its lowly start unto the grand

And tow’ring hulk that now before me lies.

How fondly I recall the playful nips

It gave me, which eventually turn’d

To bites that drew no small amount of blood.

I train’d it to be vicious, to enjoy

The taste of flesh and powd’ry crunch of bone.

Yet ever did it know its master true—

And never would it turn its anger fierce

Upon the one who lov’d it first and best.

Was ever rancor in this humor rais’d?

Was ever rancor in this humor won?

To think on it brings pain past all resolve.

O Fate, that ever I should see this day—

Now there’s but little light left in this world,

For its bright sun unjustly is snuff’d out.

I shall away, and drown myself in tears,

Belike to live the sad remainder of

My mortal days upon this planet grave

Unfriended, unprotected, and alone.

[Exit rancor keeper.

O Han!

—’Tis Luke?

—How dost thou fare, good friend?

Thou art less cold than when I saw thee last.

The ice hath gone, but still the chill remains.

But I am well enough, consid’ring all,

And now we are together once again.

’Twould not be miss’d. Such fun we have in store.

How is our cause?

—The same as ever, friend.

That bad, indeed? And where is Leia?

—Here.

I am quite safe and, as of yet, unharm’d,

But bound unto this wormlike lump of hate.

Hagoy ooneetonuh.

—O dear! The great

And high exaltedness, this Jabba of

The Hutt, decrees that ye shall presently

Be terminated.

—Just as well; I loathe

A lengthy wait. [
Aside:
] The eyes may yet be blind,

But ’tis relief to know the wit is well.

Thou shalt, therefore, be ta’en to the Dune Sea,

And cast into the pit of old Carkoon,

The nesting place of the all-pow’rful sarlacc.

As yet this Fate doth not so dismal sound.

[
aside:
] I lik’d him better when he was on ice—

The frozen one hath quite a shrewish mouth.

Belike the details of the sarlacc shall

Give rest to his most flippant, prating tongue.

Within the sarlacc’s belly ye shall know

A definition new of suffering

As ye are gradu’lly digested o’er

A thousand thousand years. Thus saith the Hutt.

As I reflect, mayhap we should decline.

I find I have no stomach for this feast

Since it is we who shall the supper be.

Auugh!

—Thou wilt soon regret this gross mistake,

For ’tis the last misstep thou e’er shalt make.

[Exeunt.

The end of this bleak scene is almost near,

For I shall play the part of helpmate to

My master true, securing freedom for

Us all. No more shall Jabba terrorize

The planet Tatooine, for he shall be

Destroy’d before the double sun doth set.

O pardon me, I do apologize.

Beep, squeak!

—My R2, ah! What dost thou here?

Beep, whistle, meep, beep, nee!

—Well can I see

That thou art serving drinks, but dangerous

This place is. Soon they plan to execute

Good Master Luke, and if we take not care,

No doubt we shall be executed too!

Beep, meep!

—I wish I had thy confidence.

[
aside:
] Here is the hour that ends in our escape,

Here is the moment Jabba sees defeat,

Here is the instant I have plannèd for,

Here is the battle grand: the skiff’s the thing

Wherein I’ll catch Han’s rescue and take wing.

Methinks mine eyes have quite improv’d, for now

Instead of just a blur of dark I see

A blur of light. ’Tis almost pleasant. Ha!

Alas, ’tis nothing here to see. I did

Once live on Tatooine, as thou dost know.

And thou shalt die here too. Convenient ’tis.

Stay close to Lando and Chewbacca. All

Things shall end well, for I have plann’d it so.

So sayest thou. [
Aside:
] His confidence is such

As I’ve not seen in him before; I know

Not whether to guffaw or be impress’d.

[Guards extend the skiff’s plank and force Luke onto it.