William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return (5 page)

The plank hath been set forth, and I shall walk

Not unto death, but our deliverance.

Koneetah!

—Hear ye! Victims of the great

Almighty sarlacc: Jabba of the Hutt,

His excellency, hopeth ye shall die

With honor. Should ye wish for mercy now

To beg, great Jabba of the Hutt shall hear

Your pleas.

—Nay, 3PO! Say thou to that

Vast slimy piece of filth bestrewn with worms

He shall have no such pleasure out of us!

Now that I am no more a markèd man,

I shall most fully proffer my belief

That Jabba is a horrid murderer

Far worse than any I have ever known.

Who here shall prove me wrong or argue, eh?

’Tis right, good Chewie, I speak true?

—Egh, auugh!

Pray, Jabba, hear: I shall not ask again—

Thou mayst free us, or be destroy’d anon.

So give us liberty or give thyself death.

Ho, ho! Sabutah mayr.

—Aye, put him in!

No more of these fools’ speech my ears would hear!

[
aside:
] The scene is set. Pray, Lando, play thy part,

And R2, thou hast ever been most true,

Now fail me not in this most vital time.

[
aside:
] This is the moment; aye, this is the time.

Koos nooma!

—Let the suffering begin!

I shall enjoy this show of pain and death.

Alas, Luke jumps! But wait, he flips aright

Onto the skiff, and R2 hath releas’d

Into the air Luke’s lightsaber! He has’t,

’Tis his! O clever droid, with aim so true,

And clever Luke, devising such a plan.

The battle’s here! Mine eyes see well enough

To know that now ’tis time for combat!

—Auugh!

Now, Lando, to thy recompense for all

That thou hast done! Betrayer shall become

The bravest fighter e’er rebellion’s seen!

My courage here shall render payment for

The villainy I’ve tender’d in the past.

[They battle, and many of Jabba’s court are thrown into the sarlacc’s pit.

Ahh!

—What role shall I play in this? I shall

Not stand aside and let them fight for me.

I am no fragile damsel to be sav’d,

But have, since I was young, fought for myself.

Thus, to my work: to slay the biggest foe—

Thou, Jabba, art for me and me alone!

I shall fly unto the fray, for no mere band of

rebels shall outwit the great Jabba of the Hutt.

They shall not easily defeat the one who doth

fill my coffers. Not, indeed, as long as Boba Fett

hath pow’r to live and breathe. To it!

[Lando fights with a guard and falls off the skiff toward the pit.

Alas, my friends, I fall!

[Boba Fett flies to the skiff.

Han Solo and Chewbacca fall.

—Nay, thou vile Fett!

Thou shalt not have the best of us. A-ha!

[Luke strikes Boba Fett’s blaster.

Thy blaster’s now in twain by my lightsaber.

A hit, a very palpable hit! He hath torn my

blaster in twain with his lightsaber, but I shall

have him yet, and protect my great reward.

Go, ropes, and bind this rascal Jedi. Belike

Jabba shall further payment render when he

doth see the noble deeds done for his sake.

[Boba Fett binds Luke Skywalker with ropes, but then is knocked down. Luke escapes and jumps to another skiff, fighting the guards there.

Han! Chewie! Can ye hear me?

—Lando!

—Auugh!

[Boba Fett stands up and takes aim at Luke.

I have thee in my sights now, Jedi. Thou shalt

feel the pow’r of my rockets, and be no more.

Egh!

—Boba Fett? What Boba Fett, and where?

[Han Solo moves and activates Boba Fett’s jets, sending him flying into the pit.

Alas! The greatest Fett shall not die like this!

O horrid Fate! Where is now my great reward?

[Boba Fett falls into pit and dies.

Nuh oola koobah!

—Those shall be thy words

Most final! Now, the chains that bind me to

This wretched lump of flesh shall be my hope!

Whilst Jabba worries o’er the battle, I

Shall throw the chains about his neck. Then, pull!

Aye, pull—a princess’ vengeance! Die, thou brute!

Thou unsuspecting Hutt, I curse thy life!

For all the innocent whoe’er did die,

For all the noble souls thou didst torment,

For all the gentle lives that are no more,

For all the galaxy’s injustice—die!

[Princess Leia strangles Jabba of the Hutt. He dies.

Good Lando, thou didst turn thy back on me,

But thou shalt have a chance to earn thy due

Since Luke and Chewie tell me of thy shame.

Chewbacca, lift me down that I may save

Him from a thousand years of pain.

—Brave Han

Attempts to rescue Lando, but the gun

From on the barge doth block his progress. Fie!

No rest from trouble have we here—these foes

Will not let us escape without a fight.

They do intend to block us all the way—

Then to the barge, to aid the rescue. Fly!

[Luke jumps onto Jabba’s barge.

Pray, grasp the staff!

—I almost have it!

—Auugh!

Alack! The sarlacc’s tentacle wraps ’round

My leg. I fear this is the end! O give

Me strength to face my death well.

—Be thou still,

And Chewie, hand the blaster unto me.

A blaster in the hands of one who’s blind?

Methinks I may do better in the pit.

Good Han, think on the defects of thine eyes!

My sight is much improv’d: my aim is true!

[Han Solo shoots the tentacle and lifts Lando onto the skiff.

Good Lando is safe once again, and Han

And Chewie steady are upon the skiff.

Thus shall I find the droids and Leia, then

Destroy this barge and Jabba’s courtiers all.

[
aside:
] Now to the princess, to release her bonds!

All thanks, R2, now let us flee from here—

Find thou C-3PO, and we’ll away!

Beep, squeak!

—My master’s dead, but no fool I—

I’ll fight these droids until my fate’s secure.

[Salacious Crumb pokes at C-3PO’s eyes.

Mine eyes, alas—O R2, help!