William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return (2 page)

He keeps to do his will—belike thou wouldst

Short-circuit.

—Hoo.

[They approach the door of Jabba’s palace.

—And now we have arriv’d.

But art thou sure this is the place, R2?

Mayhap ’tis best if I do knock? [
He knocks.
] Alas,

There’s none to see us in, so let us go!

[
aside:
] Now here’s a knocking, indeed! If a droid

Were porter of the Force here in this place,

He should have rust for lack of turning key.

I pray, remember the poor porter droid.

[
To C-3PO and R2-D2:
] N’getchoo gadda gooda, einja meh.

My goodness! What foul greeting’s this? [
To droid:
] R2-D2wah.

—Haku! Danna mee bicchu.

Bo C-3POwah, ey.

—Ai waijay uh.

Odd toota mischka Jabba o du Hutt.

Kuju gwankee? Mypee gaza, ho ho!

Methinks they shall not let us in, what shame!

Still, well may it be said that we have tried,

For never would I give up easily

When sent forth on a task by Master Luke.

Yet we have tried and were refusèd here,

Thus, who could blame us for departing hence?

Let us depart now, aye, together fly!

[The door opens.

O pity, it doth open and release

Mine utmost fears. Now must we venture in.

[
aside:
] My friend C-3PO was never for

His courage known. So shall I lead, as e’er

I have been wont to lead, into this place

Although I too feel fear. [
To C-3PO:
] Beep, whistle, squeak!

O, R2, wait for me! O dear! We should

Not rush, like fools, unto this scene. O my!

Tay chuda! Nuh die wanna wanga?

—O!

Die wanna waugow. [
Translating:
] “We bring unto thy

Dread master Jabba of the Hutt a message.”

E Jabba wanga?

—Squeak!

—[
translating:
] “A gift as well.”

[
To R2-D2:
] Wait, R2, pray, what dost thou mean, “a gift”?

Good Master Luke hath spoken not of “gift.”

Beep, whistle, meep.

—Nee Jab’ no badda; ees

Eye oh toe. Zah kotah amutti mi’.

Beep, meep, nee, whistle, hoo.

—He doth report

That we are not to give the message to

A soul, save Jabba of the Hutt himself.

Grrf, mik.

—Pray, patience; he quite stubborn is

When fac’d with matters such as these.

—Nudd chaa!

[Bib Fortuna motions for the droids to follow.

R2, I feel a shaking in my core

O’er this dread situation we are in.

Ahho, nee jann bah naska ahho bah.

Kada no pase.

—Good morning.

—Beep, meep, squeak!

Neh bo shuhadda mana.

—Ahh, shihu.

I prithee, R2, play the message now.

The sooner we’ll be on our merry way.

Bo shuda!

—Beep, meep, whistle.

—Greetings, O

Exalted Jabba of the Hutt. Allow

Me to make introduction unto thee:

My name is Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight

And friend to Captain Solo, who e’en now

Is in thy custody. I know that thou

Art powerful, O Jabba, and that thy

Great anger t’ward Han Solo equally

Must pow’rful be. I seek an audience

With thy esteem’d and mighty personage,

To bargain for my friend Han Solo’s life.

With thy vast wisdom we shall, doubtless, find

A goodly compromise that shall, indeed,

Be mutually beneficial, and

Allow both you and I to ’scape a more

Unpleasant confrontation. As a sign

And symbol of my honest will, I do

Present unto thee, as a gift, these droids.

They are hardworking, and shall serve thee well.

Alas, what hath he said?

—Beep, whistle, meep!

Nay, nay! R2, I say, your message errs!

Our master never would betray us so!

O foolish droids, whose master fools them so!

[
to Jabba:
] Na maska bagweni, ees no Jedi.

Ha ono wangee goghpah, ool.

—We’re doom’d!

He will not bargain with good Master Luke.

Nuh peecha wangee cogh pah, tong nam nee

Took chan kee troi. Ne Solo fah keechwa.

O, R2, look, ’tis Captain Solo, still

A’frozen in the carbonite.

—Beep, hoo!

A little more than dud and less than dead.

Na pushka nab, de foghla pah nubin!

O what hath come upon my master Luke?

Did I offend him by some errant word?

Was he disturb’d by something I have said?

Or is this but a human’s changing whim?

Belike I’ll never fully comprehend

These people and their wayward, shifting ways.

One moment with my service is he pleas’d,

The next he sendeth me away in scorn

To serve the gangster Jabba of the Hutt.

Grant me thy mercy, Sir, I beg of thee—

Whatever my offense, O master true,

I prithee, do forgive C-3PO!

[
aside:
] What scenes of horror lie herein! I see

That droids are tortur’d here, fix’d fast upon

The rack and torn to bits, or burnèd on

The feet as though they were a piece of meat

Upon a spit. O terror to mine eyes—

And yet I know my master hath a plan.

Indeed, within my head I hold the light

That shall illumine our profound escape.

New acquisitions, excellent. Thou art

A droid of protocol: say, is this so?

I am C-3PO, of human—

—Aye,

Or nay shall serve.

—O. Aye.

—Of languages,

How many dost thou speak?

—Six million forms

Of speech I may claim knowledge of—

—’Tis well.

We have not had a court interpreter

Since our great master anger’d was by our

Most recent droid of protocol, and had

Him thoroughly disintegrated.

—O!

Disintegrated? Fate most vile and cruel!

I prithee, guard, this droid of protocol

May useful be. Take him and fit him with

A strong restraining bolt, and then return

Him unto our great master’s chamber.

—Mrk.

O, R2, do not leave me all alone!

[Gamorrean Guard 2 leads C-3PO back to Jabba of the Hutt.

Beep, squeak!

—Thou art a feisty little droid,

But soon shall learn respect when thou dost serve

Upon my master’s sail barge. Thou shalt see!

[Exeunt EV-9D9 and R2-D2.

[
aside:
] Within the court of Jabba now I serve.

But O, what wretched things I see within,

For when he loseth temper—which befalls

Most frequently—thou mayst be certain it

Doth mean the death of someone who is nigh.

For lo, unto the rancor’s pit they fall,

Where such a massive terror lives that I

Cannot bear watch, though all the courtiers here

Do laugh and cheer as though it were a sport.

The rancor cometh forth with growls and barks

And catches up the poor and helpless soul

Who, screaming in its terror, doth fall mute

As rancor sinks large teeth into its flesh.

The slaughter of the blameless! O, it is

A vile and filthy service I fulfill.

Grant me the patience to endure this time!

[The Max Rebo Band plays a song of tribute to Jabba of the Hutt.

[
sings:
] A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

’Tis well to be a gangster.

A blaster ever by thy side,

A stately barge in which to ride,

A fair, young damsel to thee tied,

’Tis well to be a gangster.

A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

’Tis well to be a gangster.

Full many servants lend thee aid,

More guards than a Naboo brigade,

And bounty hunters on parade—

’Tis well to be a gangster.

A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

’Tis well to be a gangster.

The drinks all flowing fast and free,

A sarlacc pit not far from thee,

A rancor for thine enemy,

’Tis well to be a gangster.

A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

’Tis well to be a gangster.

A blast is heard. Enter
C
HEWBACCA
and
B
OUSHH
, a bounty hunter.

Eyah-tay, eyah-tay, yo-toe.

—Chewbacca!

—Auugh!

Cheesa eejah wahkee Chewbacca—ho!

[
aside:
] The Wookiee hath been captur’d—e’en

he who with my grand prize Solo once did fly.

’Tis fortunate he hath to Jabba also been deliver’d.

I only wish that I had been his captor, and reap’d

the reward this bounty hunter surely shall receive.

Even so, this Wookiee doth complete the set of

smugglers for Jabba’s merriment. Belike he too

shall frozen in carbonite be, or mayhap be a

supper for a rancor.