With All My Love (10 page)

‘Yeah, well, I’m a tax payer too. For the pittance I’m paid I deserve it, so zip it,’ he’d retorted. He had a shed full of cleaning solutions, paint, paint brushes, ladders and the like, all acquired through nefarious ways, and Carmel was petrified that he would be caught nicking stuff and get the sack and make a holy show of them. It was a source of constant argument between them.

Her mother looked careworn and tired, Valerie thought with a pang. Her once nut-brown hair was liberally sprinkled with grey strands, and the glasses she had to wear for reading prematurely aged her. Her mother lived a drab life, Valerie acknowledged with a flash of pity. Had she ever felt anything like the exhilaration Valerie had felt a few hours earlier? Had she ever felt utterly alive and happy? Looking at Carmel, she was so glad she’d grasped the opportunity that had come her way. The Queen concert would be something to look back on with pleasure, if her life turned out to be as dreary as her mother’s, although she had every intention of making sure that it didn’t.

‘Hi, Mam, just heading to bed. ’Night,’ she said, stifling a yawn.

‘You’re very late.’ Carmel raised her head from the paper and lowered her glasses.

‘I didn’t like to leave Lizzie on her own,’ she said quickly. ‘’Night.’ She hated lying to her mother. It was bad enough that Terence treated Carmel so disrespectfully, without Valerie telling her lies.

‘Sleep well,’ Carmel said tiredly, folding up the paper and putting the guard in front of the fire.

‘I will,’ Valerie said, removing her shoes to walk silently down the hall to her own room. She could hear her father’s snores and felt a wave of relief he was none the wiser about her great adventure. Lying snug under her patchwork quilt in her lilac and white painted room, with the wind whistling down the chimney of the small fireplace, she re-examined every moment of the night’s events. Like the miser Silas Marner, counting his gold, she polished those precious memories and stored them deep in the vault of her brain where they would be taken out and mulled over for many nights to come.

Life, she decided happily, had never been this good.

‘I want a word with you, madam!’ Valerie felt a sudden apprehension as she looked up from her French verbs and saw her father standing at her bedroom door. She had been so immersed in her revision she hadn’t heard him come in from the bingo where he called out the numbers every week.

She knew the minute she saw the aggressive jut of his jaw and the thinning of his lips that she was in big trouble. She said nothing, keeping her expression neutral, and just hoped he couldn’t hear the telltale thumping of her heart.

‘You told me lies, you sly little liar!’ He closed the door behind him and she felt a deep fear. ‘You weren’t babysitting! You were at a concert in Dublin, weren’t you? And don’t try to lie to me. A lad I know from work was at it and he saw you hanging out of some fella in the queue.’ He stuck his face into hers, and she could see the broken veins in his nose and the glitter of hard anger in his watery grey eyes. ‘Did you enjoy it, Valerie?’ he said viciously.

‘Yeah,’ she muttered, knowing there was no point in trying to get out of it. She wouldn’t put it past him to march her up to Lizzie’s sister to see if she’d been babysitting, if she insisted she had been.

‘Well, now you’re going to pay for your enjoyment. You don’t tell me a host of lies and get away with it, you lying little tramp.’ He stood up and unbuckled his belt.

‘Don’t you hit me with that!’ she exclaimed, startled, jumping to her feet. He’d never hit her before and certainly not with his belt. She couldn’t believe it was happening. She couldn’t believe that Terence had such dominion over her that he felt it was perfectly acceptable to inflict physical pain on her. She had never felt so powerless or so vulnerable as he blocked her way to the door. Fury suffused his face as he shoved her back against the bed.

‘I’ll hit you with whatever I like, miss. You won’t make a fool of me again,’ he shouted, raising his hand high and bringing the belt down with all the strength he could muster.

As the lashes rained down she clenched her teeth to stop herself from groaning. He would not know how much pain he was inflicting. He would not know how humiliated and helpless she felt. But he would know how much she despised and loathed him, she vowed. And she would never,
ever
forgive him.

C
HAPTER
N
INE

‘Hey, stranger, I haven’t seen you out much. Where have you been hiding? Happy Christmas.’ Jeff’s voice made Valerie’s heart lurch and she turned to find him looking at her, a broad smile creasing his face. She was in the supermarket getting some shopping for her mother. It was the day before New Year’s Eve.

‘Hi yourself,’ she said flatly. He hadn’t been in touch since the concert. For all she knew he was back with Ursula. She wasn’t going to pretend to be thrilled to see him. He was a man, they were all the same, and she hated the species.

‘So where have you been? I thought I’d see you in the hotel on Christmas Eve or Stephen’s Night.’ He looked taken aback at her coolness.

‘Um, had family stuff, couldn’t make it this year,’ she said offhandedly, dropping a pint of milk into her basket.

‘Are you going to be there tomorrow night? Will we see in the new decade together?’

‘Er . . .’ she dithered, ‘. . . Probably.’

‘Great, we can catch up. It’s good to see you, Valerie.’ He was smiling down at her so warmly, his brown eyes staring into hers. She felt confused. Was he really glad to see her or was he putting it on?

‘So what’s the news? How did your exams go?’ he asked as she moved towards the cashier.

‘I think I did OK.’ She shifted the basket to her other arm. ‘How did you do?’

‘Here, let me carry that,’ he said, taking it from her.

‘Thanks, Jeff,’ she murmured, wishing she could even pretend to be bright and perky. She just felt completely flat and miserable, and wished that the Christmas festivities would be over so she could be unhappy in peace without having to feign festive cheer. There was no way she would be allowed to go to the hotel to celebrate New Year’s Eve. Terence wouldn’t even allow her out on Friday nights to go babysitting with Lizzie any more.

‘You’ll be going nowhere until you have your exams done. I won’t be giving you the chance to make a fool of me again, you little liar,’ he’d told her the morning after he’d beaten her, as she stood at the kitchen sink, drinking a cup of tea and trying to ignore the scalding pain in the backs of her legs and buttocks.

‘At least I’m not a thief,’ she said spiritedly.

He would have hit her again only her mother stepped between them and said in the sternest voice Valerie had ever heard her use, ‘Don’t you ever lay another finger on her, Terence, or I’ll phone the guards. You’ve gone too far this time.’

‘If she pulls a stunt like that again she’ll get worse,’ her father had growled. ‘And you won’t be out any later than eight o’clock until your exams are over.’ He’d pointed a finger in her face before grabbing his jacket and brushing past them to go to work.

‘Do you want to stay at home today?’ Carmel had asked her dispiritedly. ‘Go on back to bed and I’ll bring you some toast. I’ll write a note for your teacher, and for God’s sake don’t ever give him an opportunity like that again. Do your exams and get the best marks you can, so you can get out of here.’

‘I hate him. How can you stay with him, Mam? He thinks he
owns
us!’ Valerie had burst into tears. She was angry with her mother for being so submissive. And deep down, she was also angry with her for not stepping in and protecting her.

‘Go back to bed,’ her mother had repeated wearily, and Valerie saw that Carmel’s eyes were bright with tears. They never spoke of the incident again and a shroud of depression settled around the house that not even Christmas could lift. If anything, it added to the gloom, and Carmel had cooked a chicken instead of a turkey, much to Terence’s disgust.

‘If you want a turkey cook it yourself. I couldn’t be bothered going through all the charade and Valerie’s not pushed because I asked her,’ Carmel said dully, and turned her back on him when he asked her if she had ordered the bird.

‘And what about me? The wage earner in the house who works from dawn till dusk to provide for you pair of ungrateful cows?’ he’d demanded, furious. But for once, Carmel had let him rant and she went to her room where he knew never to enter.

Usually Valerie put up the tree and the decorations but this year she stayed mostly in her room and he had to decorate the house himself, desperate that the neighbours would think nothing untoward was going on.

When the memories of the beating invaded Valerie’s mind at night, she banished them with thoughts of her much-longed-for reunion with Jeff, but as the days passed and there was no contact from him she’d found no respite there and felt an irrational resentment towards him for letting her down. Now, looking at him as he helped unload her shopping at the cash desk, she felt herself softening. One thing about him, he had great manners, she thought approvingly. It was one of the things she most liked about him.

She paid for her purchases, bagged them, and waited for him to put his few items through. The supermarket was busy with people replenishing their stores for the New Year celebrations and several people greeted them and wished them ‘Happy New Year’ as they made their way out the door.

‘I have Ma’s car; I’ll give you a lift.’

‘No, it’s fine, it’s only across the way,’ Valerie shrugged.

‘It’s starting to sleet, come on. Look, I got a real handy spot right opposite the door.’ He pointed to the car, which was parked practically in front of them. Part of her wanted to tell him to get lost – why hadn’t he been around when she’d needed him most? But she could tell that he had no idea that she was pissed off with him. And, she reminded herself, she had told him at the concert that she didn’t fancy him so why would he even think she was annoyed?

‘OK,’ she agreed, and he took her shopping bag and shoved it on the back seat before holding open the passenger door for her.

‘You’re a bit quiet,’ he remarked as he reversed out of the parking space and drove towards The Triangle.

‘I won’t be at the hotel tomorrow night. I’m not allowed out. My dad found out I’d been to the concert and beat the living daylights out of me with his belt.’ It all came tumbling out and her lower lip wobbled as she tried hard not to cry.

‘Are you
serious
?’ He glanced over at her, looking shocked. ‘God, that’s the pits. I’m really sorry.’ She struggled to compose herself but it was no use, her face crumpled under his concerned gaze and she burst into tears. ‘Let’s get out of here and go somewhere private,’ he said awkwardly. He accelerated up the road and took a left towards the hotel and the sea as she sniffled into her tissue, mortified at her meltdown. He followed the curve of the coast for a half-mile or so and pulled into an empty layby and picnic area.

‘Are you OK? Valerie?’ He stared at her helplessly. ‘Would you like me to speak to your dad and say it was my fault?’ That made her cry even harder as he took one of her hands in his.

‘No . . . thanks,’ she managed before breaking into fresh sobs.

‘Is there anything I can do?’ he asked tentatively.

‘No, it’s . . . it’s OK,’ she hiccuped. ‘I just feel what right had he to do that to me? I’m seventeen. I’m not a kid. To take his belt off and wallop me with it and not feel anything about how much it was hurting me. I’m his daughter. His only child. How could he do it, Jeff? How?’ Her pain was so raw she felt she was having a heart attack. ‘You wouldn’t do that to a dog, and it just kills me that everyone thinks he’s Mr Nice Guy. I hate him, Jeff. Imagine hating your own father?’ The words were tumbling out now in a torrent.

‘I couldn’t imagine that, Valerie; I get on well with my da. I’m really sorry to hear what you’ve just told me. I didn’t realize how tough things were for you at home.’ He stroked her hand gently.

‘Sorry for bawling,’ she apologized, looking at him through puffy eyes blurred from tears. ‘I’m so embarrassed.’

‘Don’t be embarrassed. Why should you be?’ he said gruffly. ‘I wouldn’t have asked you to come to the concert if I had known it would cause you such problems.’

‘I’m glad you did,’ she said fiercely. ‘I had so much fun, more than I’ve ever had.’

‘I had fun too.’ He looked so upset and serious she impulsively reached over and stroked his cheek and then, realizing what she was doing, stopped, her hand dropping to her lap. ‘Sorry. I don’t know why I . . . oh God, now I’m even more embarrassed,’ she groaned.

‘I was really looking forward to seeing you again, Valerie. I’ve thought about you a lot,’ Jeff said quietly.

‘I’ve thought about you too,’ she admitted.

‘Would you be able to come for a drink tomorrow afternoon? We could celebrate New Year’s Eve early?’

‘I’d like that.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘Is Ursula back on the scene?’ She had to ask.

‘God, no!’ he exclaimed. ‘That’s really over. Like I said, I’ve thought about you a lot and I’d like to take you on a date tomorrow even if it is the middle of the afternoon. That’s if you want to. You did say you didn’t fancy me.’ He gave her a teasing grin.

‘An afternoon drink date might change that,’ she agreed, giving a wobbly smile.

Their eyes met and he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her so tenderly that she was afraid she might start to cry again.

Lying in bed that night, unwilling to sit watching TV in the same room as Terence, she took comfort from the memory of Jeff and his tenderness towards her. She knew without the shadow of a doubt that he would never do anything to hurt or harm her. He was as far removed from the type of man her father was as could be. Maybe the new decade was going to be the best time ever in her life. She knew for certain that the eighties would see her leave her family home to stand on her own two feet, and even though the thought scared her, it invigorated her as well. She would get good marks in her Leaving Cert because she was working like a Trojan and it would pay off. This time next year, if she was lucky, she would have a job, she comforted herself. She would be earning her own money and Terence would have no power over her ever again. And tomorrow she was going on a date, and her father wouldn’t even know about it. Jeff was a
real
man, a gentle man and he wanted to date her. Maybe good things were going to happen at last. Her spirits began to lift and the awful cloud of darkness that had being smothering her for the past few weeks began to dissipate.