With All My Love (12 page)

‘She asked my permission and I gave it,’ Carmel said tightly, drying the bread knife and wishing she could stick it between her husband’s shoulder blades.

‘What do you mean,
you
gave permission?’ he blustered, staring at her.

‘I gave her permission to go to the barbecue and to stay the night in Lizzie’s,’ Carmel repeated dully.

‘Without asking
me
?’ Terence couldn’t hide his incredulity, his hand with its slice of cake suspended in mid-air.

‘I’m Valerie’s parent too. I’m her mother. I gave birth to her and I’ve as much right, if not more, to give her permission to do something. She’s worked very hard this year, she deserves her night out. And I’m telling you one thing, Terence Harris, if you do anything to spoil this night for her, if you say one word to her, I’m writing to the council and I’m going to tell them about all the stuff you’ve been thieving from them over the years—’

‘Have you gone
mad
? Who do you think you are, talking to me like that?’ He jumped up and slammed the table with his fist so that his cup shook.

Carmel stood her ground although she was quaking inside. ‘I should have put my foot down with you long ago, you big bully. If I had known you were going to beat Valerie with your belt you would have had to get past me first. Did it make you feel good? How brave you are, hitting a young girl half your size with your belt. You sicken me. It was the sorry day I agreed to marry you, Terence Harris. I only did it to get away from home because I had a father like you, a father who was fond of using his fists. You’re not men at all, you’re sad, pathetic excuses for men – cowards, bullyboys and uncouth ignoramuses with no breeding – and if you ever touch Valerie again you’ll be sorry. And if you get the sack it will be good enough for you, going around the village pretending butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth.’ The anger, rage and bitterness she’d been swallowing down all her life erupted like lava from a volcano, unstoppable.

Terence stared at her, his mouth open. If Carmel hadn’t been so angry she would have laughed at the perplexity in his eyes. Why had it taken her so long, she wondered as she glowered at him. Why had she let him walk over her, repeating the pattern she had endured with her father and her brothers? They had treated her like dirt, like an unpaid skivvy, and when she had married she’d endured more of the same. Well, now it was finished. The pattern was finally broken. With elated satisfaction she turned her back on her baffled husband and walked from the kitchen. The worm had turned and Terence Harris had lost his power over her. She would never give it back to him, Carmel vowed, walking into her small cell of a room with its narrow single bed and lilac nylon bedspread. Valerie was right, she should get a job and learn to drive, not surrender to a life of tyranny. She was only fifty, not an old crone. Valerie would fly the nest eventually and then she was responsible for no one but herself, she thought with a little jolt. Her mother was dead. Cancer had claimed her after a short vicious onslaught. Once the funeral was over she had left her father and her brothers boozing in the parlour, taken a few keepsakes from her mother’s dressing table, walked out of the house and never gone back. She hadn’t seen any of them in three years and she had no desire ever to see them again. She was free compared to many women who were tied with family responsibilities. She should make the most of it. It was a new decade, and women were becoming vastly empowered; she too would be an empowered woman of the eighties, Carmel thought with a little smile, wondering if she would have the courage to see it through.

Terence poured himself another cup of tea and noticed that his hand was shaking. What had come over Carmel? What a mouthful of impudence she had given him. The anger she had lashed him with, the look of derision in her hazel eyes, which sparkled with hostility. She’d never raised her voice to him before. And she’d certainly never threatened him. It must be the change of life business that women of a certain age went through. Didn’t their hormones go rampant and they behaved like termagants? He frowned. She’d gone through that when she’d had the hysterectomy, he thought, perplexed. Was this something new?

Maybe she was starting to go doolally! Whatever it was, something had changed. He wasn’t the boss of his own house any more. That Valerie one was too smart for her boots and needed discipline, but now that she had finished her exams she felt she could do as she pleased. Well, let her have her illusion for the rest of the summer, if that would shut Carmel up and bring her back to her senses. He couldn’t risk her shopping him at work, and the way she was carrying on he wouldn’t trust her not to. The woman was downright irrational! But come the autumn, when he was paying college fees, his daughter would be rightly under his control and
then
she’d find out who was boss. He’d lay down the law in no uncertain terms, and she’d know her place, by God she would, Terence vowed, his lips a thin mean line in his mottled red face.

‘Let’s go over to the dunes,’ Valerie murmured, drawing away from a long lingering kiss with Jeff. The moon was throwing silver streamers on the sea and the flames of the big bonfire crackled and sparked in the dark. Disco music blared from a boom box and people bopped exuberantly under the stars. Others were skinny-dipping, splashing and yelling in drunken merriment. Lizzie was snogging a bearded six-footer whom Valerie recognized as a chef from the hotel.

Valerie didn’t want to be kissing her boyfriend with a load of her classmates looking on; she wanted to be on her own with Jeff. She wanted to touch him everywhere and feel his skin on hers, and feel his hands doing the things that had, at long last, made her feel deliciously hot and quivery. She slipped her hand into her beach bag and took out her crumpled towel. Hand in hand, they stole quietly away to the inky darkness of the high dunes that ran like a mountain range along the beach. They found a ferny hollow and spread out the towel and then they were in each other’s arms, kissing, touching, hungry for each other. Jeff unhooked the top of her bikini and gently cupped her breasts, his thumbs giving her unimaginable pleasure as they caressed her nipples.

‘Let’s go the whole way,’ she murmured against his mouth as her hands slid beneath the waistband of his shorts.

‘No, you’ve had too much to drink. I don’t want to take advantage. It should be something special the first time we do it,’ he muttered hoarsely.

‘You wouldn’t be taking advantage – I
want
to. I want you to be the first, Jeff. I never thought I’d even
like
doing it after one experience I had, and you changed all that,’ she said earnestly. ‘I’m not drunk, just lovely and floaty. Even if I hadn’t drunk anything I’d still want to,’ she assured him. ‘It’s such a beautiful night, and I’m having such a wonderful time, it would be really special for me and I hope it would be special for you.’

He took her face in his hands. ‘It will be, Val. You’re beautiful and amazing, and being with you these past few months has been a great time in my life.’

‘Better than with Ursula?’ She just
had
to know.

‘Much!’ he said emphatically.

‘Jeff, I’m really happy when I’m with you, happier than I’ve ever been. I love being with you.’ Her eyes were shining. She loved that he didn’t want to take advantage of her because he thought she’d drunk too much. It showed he
really
cared.

‘We have to use a condom. I don’t want to get you pregnant.’

‘Have you got one?’

‘I can get one,’ he grinned. ‘And I’ll bring another towel.’

He jumped up, adjusted his clothes and disappeared over the top of the dunes and she sat in the moonlight watching the Plough and Venus and Orion’s belt twinkling in the black velvet sky. The waves lapped against the shore in a soothing lullaby that not even the sound of the Rolling Stones in the distance could dissipate. She was nervous and excited. She trusted Jeff implicitly. He had proved himself to her these last six months. They had something really special going on between them and he had been like a balm to her wounded spirit, bringing her back to herself when she had been drowning in hate, bitterness and helplessness. Jeff’s love had been her salvation, Valerie knew. Now she wanted to take things a step further and it seemed he did too. Some of the girls in her class had done it with blokes they didn’t have real feelings for. She was lucky. Her first time was going to be with a boy she loved. At this very moment, Valerie knew she would never be as happy as she was right now. She was on the threshold of a whole new life in every way and she was ready for it.

Jeff was breathless when he returned, and she threw her arms around him and kissed him. He kissed her back ardently and she was secretly delighted that she could arouse him so much and so utterly relieved that her fears of being frigid had long since been put to rest.

‘Are you sure?’ he asked once more when he lifted his head a little while later.

Her heart was beating madly with nervous anticipation. She wondered would it hurt, and then she couldn’t help remembering a conversation at school about girls getting so tense, the boys couldn’t get out of them. Vagi something it was called. How scary would that be?

‘We don’t have to if you don’t want to,’ he said reassuringly when she hesitated.

‘I am sure,’ she whispered. ‘Just be real gentle, won’t you?’

‘I will, Valerie. I swear I won’t hurt you . . . ever,’ Jeff murmured, and she drew him close to her and wrapped herself around him, sure that he never would.

C
HAPTER
T
WELVE

‘Don’t you stay out all night, miss. And don’t forget, don’t come back to this house with any news that we don’t want to hear. Keep your legs closed when you’re out with that Egan fella,’ Terence warned, as he lay sprawled on the sofa watching
The Dukes of Hazzard.

‘
Terence!
Don’t be so crude. There’s no need for that kind of vulgarity.’ Carmel flushed a dull red.

‘You are pig ignorant,’ Valerie said contemptuously, grabbing her cigarettes from the coffee table and stuffing them into her bag.

‘And you look like a little tart with all that muck on your face. Those jeans are too small for you, too. I don’t want the people of Rockland’s thinking I’ve reared a tramp, and well they might think it the hour of the night you come home at and the state you come home in, so don’t give me any more of your lip.’

Valerie’s fingers curled into her palms so hard she left nail marks. She would love to rake her fingers down her father’s face and draw blood. He had become more obnoxious, more intent on demeaning her once she’d started working at in the County Council that September, and his parental authority over her had diminished.

‘For God’s sake!’ Carmel exclaimed, disgusted. ‘You should be ashamed of yourself, Terence Harris, saying things like that to your own daughter.’

‘Ah, shut up, you, and don’t be annoying me.’ Terence dismissed her with an imperious wave and turned up the sound on the TV.

‘’Night, Mam,’ Valerie muttered, brushing past her mother to get out of the house as quickly as she could. She
hated
that her father belittled her mother, telling her to shut up, but she hated it even more that Carmel took it from him. Despite having put her foot down a few times over his behaviour, Carmel still let him get away with far too much, Valerie felt.

She hurried down the garden path, fuming. She’d had enough. She was getting the hell out of Rockland’s as soon as she could. Lizzie had moved to Dublin a few weeks ago and was living in a poky bedsit. She was always begging Valerie to move to the capital and share a flat with her, but Valerie had a car loan to pay off in the Credit Union and she felt she couldn’t afford to pay rent as well.

‘But you’re paying for your keep at home,’ Lizzie pointed out. ‘There won’t be that much in the difference, and you’d be able to see Jeff a lot more during the week. You’ve got a good salary, you can well afford it. I think you’re just making excuses,’ her friend said perceptively.

‘Maybe you’re right,’ Valerie conceded, ‘but it’s different for you, Lizzie. You know you can always come back home if anything goes wrong and you can’t afford the rent. Once I leave I’m gone for good. Da won’t ever let me come back unless I crawl, and I won’t be doin’ that! So I’ll be on my own.’

‘Sell the friggin’ car, pay off the loan and start saving again,’ Lizzie had urged.

‘No. It took me ages to save enough to secure a loan. I don’t want to go back to square one. And anyway, I’m letting Mam practise in it. We’re taking lessons. It gives me freedom. I couldn’t give it up. As soon as I pay off the loan I’ll apply for a transfer to Dublin or the County Councils, and come and live with you,’ she’d promised, wishing she had the nerve to up sticks like Lizzie had. She wanted to move to Dublin but she also wanted to have a little nest egg for emergencies. Life had taught Valerie to be as well prepared as she possibly could for any eventuality.

But this time Terence had gone too far and given her the kick in the ass she needed. Lizzie was right: what she paid her parents for her keep would be almost enough to pay rent. It was time to leave home and get out from under Terence’s thumb. She was only being a coward, she admonished herself angrily. But never the less, as much as a part of her longed to leave home, a small part of her felt daunted. Making the transition from schoolgirl to career girl was more overwhelming than she’d anticipated.

Those first weeks in her new job when she had felt like such a ‘new girl’ and everything had been so unfamiliar had been nerve-racking. People had been kind but everyone had their own little clique and she felt like an outsider going into the staff canteen, wondering where to sit. She had been working in the car tax department and the work was so mind-numbingly boring she had even longed to go on the public counter, despite the tales she heard about people losing their rag and hurling abuse at the counter staff.

As the first few weeks went by she had filed what seemed like a million green documents in their beige folders, and the hours had dragged on interminably. She had wondered despairingly if this was what her life was to be like. Should she have gone to college? One morning she had woken up feeling sick and shivery and had lain in bed wondering if it was too soon in her career to call in sick. When she was at school it wouldn’t have been an issue: she would have just turned over and gone back asleep, and her mother would have given her a note for her teachers the next day. But she wasn’t at school, she was at work – ‘real’ work – where notes from your parent didn’t count. The probationary period could be extended. She could lose an increment for taking too much sick leave or having too many lates. At the very least a higher-ranking officer in the Personnel Department would interview her. Sometimes being ‘grown up’ wasn’t as liberating as she’d imagined, Valerie thought miserably as she’d made her way into work on the bus, hoping she wouldn’t puke.