With All My Love (15 page)

‘What about letting
me
down? It would be nice to know I was somewhere near the top of your ladder rather than hovering on the bottom rung to get kicked off when your dad and “the lads” need you, or you have to go training,’ she grumbled petulantly.

‘Look, I shouldn’t have been drinking tonight, because I’ve a match tomorrow but I
did
drink to keep you company. So don’t be giving out to me. You always get like this after we make love.’

‘I just want to be able to cuddle in a bed like normal people and not have to do it in a smelly old boat shed in the middle of winter.’ She wrapped her scarf around her neck.

‘I don’t like it very much either,’ he retorted. ‘Do you want to stop having sex?’ He dropped the used condom into a bag of rubbish and turned to look at her, holding the torch at a low angle.

‘Do you?’ she asked, startled. Maybe he was going off her, she thought fearfully. Maybe Ursula was back on the scene.

‘I asked you first?’

‘Well, if you don’t want to, that’s fine with me,’ she said huffily. ‘Let’s go home.’

‘Don’t be cranky. I just want to do what you want to do,’ Jeff growled as he held the door open for her. They walked across the sand, trying to avoid the slippery seaweed thrown up by the stormy inky sea, and climbed the ramp to the pier in silence. It had stopped raining and the moonlight, when it fleetingly appeared from behind sullen banks of bad weather, was reflected in the puddles along the uneven paving slabs. The fluorescent glow of the village streetlamps glimmered up the hill ahead of them and the pools of light spilling from curtained windows in the houses dotted around The Headland conjured up visions of welcoming homes and hearths for weary travellers and sailors.

How she would love to live in a cosy cottage with a big blazing fire, and a huge double bed, somewhere up on The Headland, with beautiful views and a garden filled with roses and flowering shrubs. They would be deliriously happy, she daydreamed as she trudged by his side over the railway line towards the hotel.

‘You don’t have to walk me home,’ she said curtly, determined not to be the one to make up first, when they reached the main street.

‘Fine,’ he said coldly. ‘See you.’

Bastard.
Valerie swore silently, racing across The Triangle without looking back. Her mother was right: men were only after one thing. She slowed just in case he followed her to apologize for his churlish behaviour. It was a forlorn hope – Jeff was nowhere to be seen – and she let herself into the house and bypassed the sitting room where her father was watching a cowboy film. She hurried in to the succour of her bedroom where she flung herself down on the bed and cried silent bitter tears. Their first row might well be their last. Perhaps he wanted out of their relationship, but Jeff was so much a part of her life now she just couldn’t imagine it without him.

Women were the oddest creatures, Jeff thought. They got into huffs over the least thing. One minute they were bright and bubbly and full of fun, the next they were glowering and spitting like cats, full of fury and indignation.

It wasn’t as if he
wanted
to be making out in the boat shed. They couldn’t really do it in the back of the car in the hotel car park. There were too many people toing and froing. Neither of them had a free house. They had no money to go to a hotel. At least he had the key to the shed and it afforded them some shelter. Some of his mates had to do it up against the wall at the back of the Ball Alley. Valerie had been all eager at first, but it was always afterwards, when the thrill of their lovemaking was over, that she got cross and grumpy. Their row had spared him the ear-bashing about his football match tomorrow and how much time he’d be able to spend with her afterwards before heading up to Dublin.

At least she hadn’t burst into tears before storming off. He hated when girls cried. Ursula had been a great crier, far moodier than Valerie, and he was absolutely certain she would never have done it standing up against the walls of a cold, smelly boat shed. She had been a bit prissy sometimes, and she had expected him to spend a lot more time with her than Valerie did, in fairness. But sometimes, like now, he wondered if he would be better off single, just having fun and concentrating on his studies and his football. Of course, that’s what his mam would say, he thought wryly, letting himself into the back porch. He could hear her moving about in the kitchen. He had expected her to be in bed.

‘Nice night?’ Tessa asked as he took off his duffel coat and scarf. She was in her dressing gown, making hot chocolate.

‘It was OK.’ He shrugged.

‘Only OK?’ Her eyebrow rose at his grouchy tone. ‘Did you have a row?’ she asked perceptively. She knew his moods, knew him inside out.

‘A bit of a one,’ he admitted, coming into the kitchen where the fire still glowed brightly.

‘Do you want a mug of hot chocolate and a slice of tea brack?’ Tessa asked kindly.

‘Sounds good.’ He stood in front of the fire and warmed his hands. A low faint rumble overhead told him that his dad was sound asleep. Tessa bustled around the kitchen, stirring powdered chocolate into hot milk and buttering a doorstep-sized slice of brack for him. Jeff felt some of his irritation ease away in the familiar comfort of the kitchen.

‘There you go, son, that will warm you up.’

‘Thanks, Ma, you’re the greatest,’ he grinned, sitting down on the sofa.

‘Where did you go? It’s a horrible night.’

‘Just to the hotel.’

‘Valerie called earlier but I told her I’d given you a lift down. She’s gone all glam and sophisticated since she started working.’

‘She’s a good dresser all right.’ He took a slug of the hot chocolate.

‘Just let me give you a word of advice, Jeff. You need to focus on your exams now. Valerie hasn’t the burden of studying like you have. She’s a free agent so make sure you keep sight of your goals and don’t be distracted. There’ll be plenty of time for you to have fun and go places and enjoy yourself when you have your qualifications. You only have another year and it will be worth it in the end. Maybe tell Valerie you need to concentrate on your studies for now and not let things get too serious.’

‘Yeah,’ he sighed. He’d had this lecture before. He knew Tessa was right, he needed to focus on his engineering studies if he wanted to graduate and get any sort of a decent job, but a guy had to have some diversions. And besides, he really liked being with Valerie – well, most of the time, when she wasn’t in a snit.

‘Leave that, I’ll wash it up for you when I’m doing mine,’ Tessa said, curling back up on the sofa with her book.

‘Thanks. ’Night, Ma.’ He leaned over and kissed her and put his mug in the sink before taking the stairs two at a time. He was looking forward to his bed as the wind got up again and sheets of rain pelted the windows. Tessa had already turned his electric blanket on. She was a sound mother, he thought gratefully as the heat infused his cold body. He wished Valerie was in his arms. Body heat was the best for warming you up, he thought tiredly, yawning so widely he nearly dislocated his jaw. Moments later he was asleep.

Tessa opened her candlewick dressing gown and flapped her hands up and down over her face as the rising tide of heat flashed yet again through her body. The top of her scalp was so hot she could fry an egg on it, she thought glumly, hating this now frequent occurrence over which she had no control. She’d had to leave the comfort of her bed to cool down. Her post-coital lethargy had evaporated and she felt wide awake. Nothing in life had prepared her for this sudden hard slap of middle age: the aches in her feet and hands, the memory loss, having to wear glasses now at nighttime to read. How had this happened? It wasn’t as if it had crept up on her as such. It had seemed that one day she was youthful and fit, and then overnight, after that horrible first hot flush, when she wasn’t sure, couldn’t believe it was happening, the realization that her youth was gone and there was nothing that she could do about it. It grieved her, truly grieved her.

She felt that she had achieved so little with her life. She had been a wife and mother, reared her children, and now had a part-time job in the local pharmacy, which paid for luxuries like her own car and the odd holiday. But her life had been predictable; happy enough for the most part, she supposed, but looking back, things could have been so different. When she saw Valerie Harris and Lizzie Anderson, parading around in their up-to-the-minute fashions, and Valerie whizzing around in her little red Mini, an ache of loss would surprise her every so often and she’d have one of her ‘what if’ moments.

Those girls had it all. Not for them the grinding monotony of the kind of life she’d led, especially in the early days of childrearing. Did they know how lucky they were to have choices? Or did they take it all for granted? she thought crossly as another flush enveloped her. It had been a mistake to drink hot chocolate. But a glass of wine would have set her off as well. She heard Lorcan’s rumbling snores upstairs. Did men know how lucky they were? Jeff was probably snoring his head off too, but she was damn sure Valerie would be awake fretting after their row, because that was what women did.

Well, a bit of fretting wouldn’t do her any harm. Jeff had his exams to pass and his life to live, and Tessa wasn’t one bit sorry to hear that all was not rosy. Let Valerie Harris go and hook her claws into someone else. She was just a bit
too
smart for her boots, a bit
too
sophisticated and a bit
too
smug.

And you’re jealous of her!
The realization made Tessa’s jaw drop as she sat staring into the dying embers, feeling thoroughly disgruntled, wondering where all this had come from. She remembered how a friend of hers had once told her that issues that hadn’t been dealt with always seemed to surface with the menopause. Well, she just wasn’t having any of it. She’d dealt with her issues and that was that. There was no point in looking back. No point at all!

‘Do you think I should go to his match?’ Valerie curled her hair around her finger and dropped the last of her coins into the call box outside the supermarket. She had phoned Lizzie from the call box to have some privacy and tell her of the events of the night before.

‘Why don’t you go about ten minutes before the end so you don’t have to stand shivering for the whole of it?’ Lizzie, ever the pragmatist, suggested.

‘Oh, that’s a good idea.’ Valerie brightened. ‘What will I do if he ignores me?’

‘He won’t ignore you, he’s mad about you,’ Lizzie snorted.

‘I’ll ring you tonight to tell you how it goes,’ Valerie said hastily as the phone started beeping.

‘It will be fine,’ Lizzie assured her comfortingly before the line went dead.

Valerie took extra care with her appearance and added another layer of foundation and blusher. She had been so tense she had barely touched her roast beef dinner, telling her mother she’d have it later.

At least the sun was shining and the rain of the night before had moved out over the Irish Sea. It was difficult driving with the sun so low in the sky. The glare bounced up off the road and dazzled through the bare-branched trees, almost blinding her in spots as she drove to the football pitches where the Rovers were playing a home game. She could hear the roars as she drove along the narrow road that led to the playing field. The cars were parked up by the ditch on either side of the road and she spent five minutes or more trying to squeeze in between a rusty Toyota and a Renault, breaking out in a cold sweat when she misjudged and thought she was going to grind up against the side of the Toyota. She was a nervous wreck by the time she got out of the car and she had to take a couple of deep breaths as she made her way to the sidelines. She asked a middle-aged woman who was minding a child in a buggy what the score was and was told, ‘It’s a draw and we’re into injury time.’

Just about made it, Valerie thought with relief, scanning the swarm of players as they raced down to the far goalmouth. And then she saw Jeff, elbowing a player out of the way and kicking the ball to a teammate as the crowd roared their approval. Her heart lifted at the sight of him.

The player raced towards the opposite goalmouth as the opposing team defenders surged around him and then the final whistle blew and the Rovers supporters groaned, and consoled each other. The players back-slapped each other, shook hands with the opposition and began strolling over to the sidelines to greet supporters before heading back to the clubhouse.

‘Jeff, Jeff,’ Valerie called his name, waving her green Rovers scarf to catch his attention. She saw him glance over his shoulder and then he saw her and his face split in a broad grin as he made his way over to her.

‘I’m sorry for being a cranky cow,’ she blurted as she threw herself into his arms, not caring that he was manky dirty and hot and sweaty.

‘I’m sorry too.’ His hug was tight.

‘I love you, Jeff.’ It was out before she knew it. The first time she’d said it.

‘I love you too, Val,’ he said easily, and they gazed at each other, oblivious to the crowd around them.

Further up the pitch, Tessa stood, her hands shading her eyes as she watched them.

Row over, she thought as she watched her son lean down and kiss his girl. It looked like Valerie was here to stay for the foreseeable future.

C
HAPTER
S
IXTEEN

Tears slid down Valerie’s cheeks onto the photo album as memories she had long suppressed overwhelmed her. Lying against her pillows, thousands of miles from Rockland’s, in the balmy heat of a Spanish night, she felt as if she had never left home. The years had reeled back and it was almost like watching a film of her life. The intensity of the emotions and feelings that churned within shocked her. She’d thought she’d got over all those years of hurt and grief. She thought she had buried deep the feelings of antipathy and rancour, and got on with her life.

And now this fresh horror. Briony’s discovery of Tessa’s letter had brought that woman back into her life again. Hadn’t she caused enough damage? Was Valerie to be eternally punished? How could life be so unfair? Hadn’t she suffered enough? Jeff had been taken from her. Her own father had practically disowned her once she’d got pregnant. Carmel had Alzheimer’s and didn’t even recognize her any more, and now Briony hated her and was threatening never to let her see her beloved Katie again. Just when she’d finally got her life on an even keel, she was back in upheaval. A place she’d been many times in her life.