With All My Love (23 page)

Valerie knew she was trapped in a no-win situation. Tessa had skilfully manoeuvred her into a corner. If she said she wanted Jeff to marry her, he could say goodbye to his chosen profession and spend his life on the boats in a tough occupation that would mean they would have to live in Rockland’s. Tessa was right in one way. Even she could see that. Getting married now would be a short-term solution and would have a huge impact on their future options. There was nothing she could do about having the baby, but by choosing to wait to marry, she could take the pressure off Jeff and let him continue with his studies and marry him when, as Tessa had put it, they were on a ‘steadier footing’.

‘What do you think?’ Valerie turned to Jeff. She wasn’t going to let him off that lightly.

‘Well, er . . . um . . . I think your mother and Ma have a point, and it would be good to get the qualification,’ he hedged.

‘So are you saying you want to wait?’ she persisted.

‘It’s up to you, Valerie. I’ll do whatever you want.’ Jeff landed it right back at her. Lorcan looked at her with eyes full of sympathy and she felt that he was the only one who understood how she was feeling right at that moment.

‘OK, we’ll wait,’ she said, defeated. She wasn’t going to
beg
him to marry her.

‘Well, I wash my hands of the whole affair.’ Terence’s voice shook as he put his mug down and stood up. ‘I did my best for you,’ he said to Valerie. ‘You’ve made your own bed, now lie in it. I’m finished with you. You can give your mother a lift home.’ He marched out the door without a backward glance and they heard the front door slam.

‘He’ll calm down; he’s only trying to do his best for you,’ Lorcan said comfortingly.

‘We’re all trying to do our best for you,’ Tessa said more kindly.

‘It’s been a difficult few days. If you don’t mind, I’m going to head back to Dublin. I’ll give you a lift home and get my stuff, Mam,’ Valerie said with as much dignity as she could muster. She didn’t look at Jeff.

‘Would you like some lunch? You can’t be driving up to Dublin with nothing in your stomach, sure she can’t, Tessa?’ Lorcan looked at her in concern.

‘Stay and have a bite of lunch with us. And what about yourself, Carmel? You’re welcome to stay too.’ Now that she had got her own way and given her son some time to adjust to his new circumstances, Tessa felt she could be magnanimous.

‘No, thanks, Mrs Egan,’ Valerie said coldly. ‘I’d like to get on the road so I can get to Dublin before the heavy traffic.’

‘You need to mind yourself on that road now.’ Lorcan patted her on the back, looking over at his son.

‘I could drive you up and get the bus back,’ Jeff offered, catching his father’s gaze on him.

‘That’s an excellent idea, Jeff,’ Lorcan said. ‘You need to take good care of Valerie. She’s your responsibility now.’

‘Well, just let him have a bite of lunch then.’ Tessa got to her feet. ‘Why don’t you go home and get your bits and pieces and Jeff will be ready to go when you come back?’ she suggested.

‘That’s a good idea,’ Carmel said, looking at her daughter’s mutinous face. She stood up and straightened her clothes. ‘We all need to mind Valerie and the baby.’ She looked directly at Tessa. ‘Especially now that she’s made the brave decision to have the baby without the protection of marriage for the time being.’

‘It’s all for the best, and we won’t be found wanting, Carmel,’ Tessa assured her as she handed her her coat. ‘That baby will be much loved when it arrives, Lorcan and I can promise you that.’

‘I’m sure it will, and that’s good to know. My daughter is a good, soft-hearted girl, and she’s just proved that,’ Carmel said quietly as she pulled on her leather gloves and left the room.

‘I’ll see you in a while then,’ Jeff said to Valerie as she followed her mother.

‘OK,’ she said tersely without looking at him, afraid that if she did she would burst into tears and disgrace herself completely.

Terence drove down The Headland, his hands clenched tight around the wheel of the car, jolting and jerking the gears when he had to make a gear change. He was beside himself with frustration, impotence, anger, but most of all, to his surprise, a terrible sadness. His daughter had just been made little of, in his eyes, and Carmel had colluded with Tessa Egan to make sure that that young cur would walk away from his responsibilities, while Valerie would carry a burden of childrearing from which there was no escape. Not to mention the stigma of being an unmarried mother. She had ruined her life, ruined it, he raged in despair, wiping away blurry tears from his eyes.

They had all ignored his concerns as though his views were of no importance. Well, in fairness to Lorcan he had understood where Terence was coming from. Terence now felt the way he had felt when his parents had told him he was being sent to live with his aunt and uncle, on the other side of the country, far from all he knew and was familiar with. He had protested that he didn’t want to leave home but his protests were ignored. His feelings didn’t count. He would do as he was told, his father had thundered.

Those old, sad, angry feelings were swirling around him, smothering him, making him feel panicky and anxious. He took a few deep breaths as he came off The Headland onto the main street. He had been belittled once again, but it was one time too many. From now on he would keep his own counsel. He had done his best for his daughter, to no avail. She had listened to Carmel and Tessa and let them persuade her to let Jeff Egan off the hook. Valerie and her mother had turned their back on him; he would turn his back on them. He would have nothing to do with that child she was carrying, and that was the end of it. A large tear and then another rolled down his cheeks and Terence swore at his weakness, crying for people who didn’t give a tuppenny damn about him.

‘Why, Mam? Why did you agree with Tessa about us not getting married? Now I’m going to be the talk of the village. An unmarried mother! I can’t
believe
you took her side!’ Valerie burst out as she drove out of the Egans’ yard.

‘Valerie, even I can see that young fella’s not ready for marriage. He’s feeling trapped. That is no foundation for marriage. I’m telling you, five years down the line the pair of you would be terribly unhappy,’ Carmel said firmly. ‘I know you’re angry and upset, but I do have your best interests at heart, even though right now you might think I don’t.’

‘But Jeff does love me,’ Valerie protested heatedly. ‘He was prepared to get married.’

‘Being prepared to get married is different from wanting to get married – I’m telling you that from experience, Valerie – and if he does love you, well then, you’ve nothing to worry about because he will want to marry you when the time is right. Tessa was right: let him get his exams and get himself a good job and then let him marry you. I didn’t want her saying that you held him back.’ Carmel’s mouth was a tight line, her fingers plucking agitatedly at her handbag.

‘They’ll all be talking about me here,’ Valerie muttered, wishing she could light up a cigarette.

‘Let them talk. You walk with your head held high, Valerie, always!’ Carmel reached across and patted her knee. ‘We’ll get through this together, and I know the Egans won’t shirk their responsibilities either. Lorcan is a good man. A sound man. He won’t abandon his grandchild. And you have Lizzie. You couldn’t find a better friend than Lizzie,’ Carmel comforted as they reached home.

Terence’s car wasn’t there, much to Valerie’s relief. She followed her mother into the house, went to her room and packed her clothes into her weekend case. ‘Would you not stay for lunch?’ Carmel urged, putting on her apron and opening the oven door to check on the roast.

‘No, Mam, I want to get going. I just want to get out of Rockland’s,’ Valerie said dispiritedly.

‘Ring me when you get to Dublin then, won’t you?’

‘I will. See you, Mam. I won’t be down for a while. I couldn’t bear it.’

‘I’ll be up to visit you then,’ Carmel said firmly, and put her arms around her daughter. They held each other tightly for a few moments before Valerie drew away and walked out of the house.

She felt sick as she sat behind the wheel and started the ignition. She was angry and hurt and bitter. If Lorcan hadn’t thrown the eye at Jeff he would never have suggested driving her up to Dublin off his own bat. She wasn’t going to be under an obligation to him, she decided furiously as she drove towards The Headland.

He opened the door when she knocked.

‘Would you like a cup of tea or anything?’ he asked awkwardly.

‘No, thanks. I just came to say I can drive home myself,’ she said curtly. ‘I’ll see you in Dublin when you’re up again.’

‘I do love you, Valerie,’ he said miserably. ‘I
do
want to mind you and be there for you and the baby. I’ll be with you all the way.’ Now that the noose had loosened around his neck and he didn’t have to get married straight away Jeff felt reprieved and wanted to reassure his girlfriend that he hadn’t turned his back on her.

But not enough to marry me, and save me from shame, Valerie thought bitterly as she walked away from the house where all her hopes and dreams lay in tatters.

C
HAPTER
T
WENTY
-T
HREE

‘Definitely a day for the fire, a good film and plenty of chocolate,’ Lizzie remarked, shaking the rain off her woolly hat as she dumped the shopping bags onto the rickety old table in the kitchen.

‘Yeah, but is there anything good on?’ Valerie yawned, opening the bags to see what goodies her flatmate had brought home. ‘Oh, yum,’ she approved when she saw the tin of Denny’s steak and kidney pie and the packet of Smash.

‘Our favourite dinner,’ Lizzie grinned. ‘If my mother knew I was eating stuff out of a tin and a packet of dried potatoes she’d go mad.’

‘I know. So would mine. And I
am
eating properly most days, but Saturdays are for me. Baba gets proper grub the other six days.’ Valerie took out a packet of Jacobs Mikado, another firm favourite. ‘Kettle’s boiled, I’ll make the tea.’

‘Brill, I’m dying for a cuppa. It’s an horrendous day out there.’ Lizzie divested herself of her coat and scarf while Valerie made a pot of tea.

‘Ouch!’ she exclaimed indignantly as the baby gave a vigorous kick.

‘What’s wrong?’ Lizzie’s head jerked around quicker than Regan’s in
The Exorcist.
Now that her friend’s due date was fast approaching her nerves were shattered. She was having nightmares about having to do an emergency delivery.

Valerie laughed. ‘There’s nothing wrong, I just got a good kick. I bet it’s a boy and he’s going to be playing football with his daddy.’

‘Oh, right. I thought you’d got a labour pain thingy.’

‘A contraction,’ Valerie corrected, handing her a mug of tea.

‘And speaking of Daddy, what time is Jeff coming today?’ Lizzie asked as she busied herself putting away the rest of the groceries.

‘He’s not. I told him to spend the day studying and I’ll see him tomorrow. So I don’t have to get dressed or wash my hair. I’m staying in my dressing gown
all
day! I’m wrecked!’ Valerie yawned again, shucking some biscuits onto a plate.

‘You poor old petal. I don’t know how you’re doing it, carrying that huge bump around. At least you’ll be on maternity leave the week after next.’

‘I can’t wait. But the sooner I have the baby the better, so I can have more leave after it’s born.’

‘Well, you and Junior go in and put your feet up and I’ll light the fire. Mrs M told me there’s a very good matinée on at twelve, so we’ll bunker in and watch it. And I bought
Photoplay, Woman’s Way
and
Company
for us to loll about and read.’

‘Ooohhh, we’ll have a real lazy day so.’ Valerie peered out of the kitchen window at the rain sluicing down in torrents, spattering out of the gutters onto the coal bunker in the yard below. The sky was murky, a sea of black threatening clouds. The wind swirled and keened around the back garden, assaulting trees and shrubs and snatching the pink blossoms off the ancient gnarled apple tree. It was more like deepest winter than an April morning. It was a perfect day to hibernate in their comfy old-fashioned sitting room and unwind.

‘Mrs M told me to tell you she’ll have the baby’s cardigan finished by next week, by the way.’ Lizzie handed Valerie two packets of crisps, two Crunchies and a large packet of Maltesers. ‘For the film.’ She justified her sinful purchases.

‘Mrs M is a brick!’ Valerie said warmly. Her landlady had shown her nothing but kindness since hearing of her pregnancy. Valerie had been very concerned that the elderly lady would not renew their lease when she found out that Valerie was expecting a baby. She wasn’t sure if her landlady would judge her for having a baby out of wedlock, or if she would want to have a crying infant in the flat upstairs.

She had said nothing about her situation until one evening just before Christmas, when Valerie had seen Mrs Maguire walking up Botanic Avenue in the rain and stopped to give her a lift.

‘Ah, you’re a grand girl,’ the old lady puffed as she settled herself into the seat and waved away the seat belt. ‘I hate them things. There’s no room to move with them.’

She turned to study Valerie. ‘Do you know, you’re getting stout when I see you sitting there. Your belt just about fits you,’ she pronounced matter-of-factly. Mrs M was nothing if not pass remarkable, Valerie thought fondly, used to her landlady’s direct manner. Behind her acerbic exterior reposed a kind heart. ‘Too much chocolate and sticky buns, I’d wager. You gels don’t eat properly these days.’

That was rich coming from someone who existed on peanut butter and cream crackers and plenty of sherry, Valerie thought in amusement, but her passenger had given her an opening to explain her situation. She took a deep breath. ‘Actually, Mrs Maguire, I’ve been wanting to tell you . . . em . . . I’m having a baby. It’s due in April. I was hoping it will be OK to stay in the flat after I have it.’

‘A baby!’ The old lady was startled.

‘Yeah,’ sighed Valerie, waiting for the disapprobation, and even worse, to be told that she would have to look elsewhere for a home for herself and her child.