With All My Love (27 page)

Until now the baby had been a sort of vague reality. Something to talk about and plan for, and forget about occasionally when he was studying or playing football or hanging out with his mates. By this time tomorrow, if everything went OK, he was going to be a father. And a real, live little human, who would be hungry, thirsty, clamouring for food and attention and nappies to be changed, was going to be
his
reality. He just couldn’t get his head around it. This was responsibility of a type he’d never anticipated and it scared the hell out of him. If he were only ten years older and he’d had a few carefree years to experience life he wouldn’t feel as confined. He had tried hard to support Valerie, and not to let her know how agitated and trapped he felt.

His mother was the only one who knew of his terrors. He could talk to Tessa about it. She was a truly understanding mother, he thought gratefully. If it weren’t for her he’d have been married by now and well and truly hemmed in with nowhere to run. At least, technically, he was still a free man. A ring on the finger was the same as having a ring through the nose, one of his mates had announced recently when his girlfriend had dumped him for not ‘committing’. ‘I’d rather be “committed”!’ he’d joked. He was in the clubs in Leeson Street every weekend since, pulling birds, lucky bugger, Jeff thought enviously. He’d love to head off to Legs some night and get hammered and score a bird.

It wasn’t very loyal to Valerie having these sorts of thoughts, he reflected guiltily as he started the ignition and reversed out of the space, grinding the gears in his anxiety to get going. Just as well she hadn’t heard that, he thought ruefully as he crunched over the pot-holed gravel to pay the man in the booth, and headed for Glasnevin.

The drive was a blur; he could never remember it afterwards. All he could remember was rooting frantically for coins for the pay phone in the flat and the exquisite relief of hearing Lizzie’s voice as he said frantically. ‘Lizzie, Lizzie, quick, it’s started, can you come to the hospital, we need you?’

‘Relax, Jeff.’ Lizzie’s comforting words floated down the line. ‘I’m on my way.’

C
HAPTER
T
WENTY
-S
IX

‘Come on, Val, you’re nearly there,’ Lizzie urged, wiping her friend’s forehead as she struggled in the last throes of labour.

‘Sorry, Lizzie,’ Valerie grunted. ‘Go home if you want.’

‘I’m not going home. I’m just telling you to hurry up. Think of the cup of tea you’re going to get. I’ve a packet of chocolate rings for you in my bag. I know they’re your favourite.’

‘Bribery will get you anywhere,’ Valerie panted as another contraction steam-rollered over her. ‘Uuuuhhhhhhh!’ she groaned, gripping Lizzie’s hand.

In the next cubicle a woman yelled abuse at her husband. ‘And ya’ll never put your John Thomas in me again, doyahearmeyamangygit? AAAAAHHHHHHHH!’ She yelled. She was suffering and she wanted the world to know it. Valerie wished she’d keep it down a bit; it was very unsettling listening to her. She thought enviously of Tessa giving birth in the comfort of her own bedroom, surrounded by supportive women.

‘Ya should be bleedin’ castrated. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!’

‘That’s telling him,’ Lizzie whispered. ‘She’s worse than O’Connor’s bull bellowing in Thirty Acre Field.’

Valerie managed a giggle. The woman next door had been screeching and roaring for the last five hours and Jeff had been horror-struck during one of his brief forays into the delivery ward when Lizzie had taken a coffee and loo break.

‘Why is she making such a racket?’ he asked Valerie in dismay.

‘Because it’s bloody painful,’ she gasped as another contraction gripped her and she grabbed his hand and gave a few guttural grunts that frightened the living daylights out of him.

‘Give her something. Give her that pethidine stuff,’ he squawked as Valerie writhed in pain.

‘Soon.’ The midwife patted his back kindly. ‘You’re doing great, Valerie. Remember your breathing exercises.’

‘Oh Holy Divinity,’ Valerie groaned as one contraction seemed to roll into another and she saw her boyfriend go pale with anxiety. She didn’t care what he saw or how ungoddess-like she looked, all she wanted was for the baby to be born.

‘Not long now, Valerie,’ the midwife said knowledgeably as Lizzie arrived back, somewhat refreshed.

‘I’ll leave you to it. I don’t want to get in the way.’ Jeff gave her a peck on the cheek and practically ran out of the cubicle. The women smiled at each other. ‘He’s better off in the waiting room,’ said the midwife. ‘He was almost ready to keel over and we don’t need that.’

‘I’m ready to keel over,’ Valerie moaned as the pain engulfed her again. It seemed as though an hour had passed but in reality it was ten minutes later when a doctor arrived with a brisk swishing back of the curtains and a faux jolly, ‘How are we getting on here then?’ just as she came to the end of the worst contraction she’d endured.

‘Having a ball,’ she muttered to Lizzie, as the doctor spoke to the midwife.

‘Excellent, ready to go,’ she heard him say after he’d examined her. ‘Good girl.’ He patted her knee.

‘Don’t girl me,’ she wanted to say irritably. He was a man, he was patronizing, and he would never, ever endure the agony she was going through. Another contraction came rolling in and exhaustion smote her. How much more of this would she have to suffer, she thought in desperation as sounds she never thought she was capable of making erupted from her.

‘Now, Valerie, don’t push until I tell you. You’re nearly there, honestly,’ the midwife instructed briskly, as a different energy seemed to crackle around the cubicle, a sense of excitement and anticipation taking hold, everyone on high alert. All the sounds in the ward outside faded to the periphery of her consciousness. This was it. Her baby was coming. ‘Hold, hold! Now push—’

‘I can see it! Oh, Valerie, it’s amazing. You should see the head of hair!’ Lizzie said excitedly, forgetting her ‘avowed’ intention not to look at the gory bits.

‘Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Help
meeeee
!’ Valerie begged in desperation, bursting into tears as she summoned up every remaining ounce of strength to propel her baby into the world.

‘It’s a girl! It’s a girl! Oh, Valerie, you did great. I’m so proud of you,’ Lizzie was bawling as she wiped snot and tears from Valerie’s face.

‘Is she OK? Tell Jeff, quick,’ Valerie said weakly, falling back against the pillows, relieved beyond measure as she heard her baby give an indignant howl. She lay spent, in a daze as all attention turned to the baby. She’d done it. It was over. She was a mother.

‘Everything’s fine, a healthy eight-pound two-ounce baby girl.’ The obstetrician smiled at her as the nurse wrapped the baby in a blanket and placed her daughter in her arms.

‘Oohhh!’ Valerie exclaimed as a pair of startling blue eyes studied her intently. ‘Oohhh, she’s
gorgeous.
’ She felt a wave of incredible love as she looked at the downy little head of black hair, the prettiest little snub nose, a pair of rosebud lips, and those incredible eyes fanned by dark lashes. She had never seen a more beautiful baby, she thought, suffused with joy as she slipped her little finger into her daughter’s hand and felt her fingers grip tightly.

‘Oh, Valerie, she’s beautiful,’ Lizzie wept. ‘
Beautiful.
I’ll get Jeff.’

‘Thanks for everything, Lizzie. I’ll never be able to repay you.’

‘You have, hon. You’ve made me an honorary auntie and a godmother, and I didn’t have to do a thing. Lucky, lucky me.’ Lizzie touched the baby’s cheek before going to tell Jeff that he was the father of a beautiful baby girl.

Jeff was momentarily speechless as he saw his girlfriend lying with their baby in her arms. Nothing had prepared him for this. This was a life-changing moment. He was a father. They were
parents.

‘Hold her.’ Valerie smiled tearily at him.

‘Oh, no, I’d better not!’ He felt suddenly apprehensive.

‘Hold her, she’s your daughter,’ Valerie urged, offering up the baby to him.

He took her gingerly and placed her in the crook of his arm. She looked up at him and he was
sure
she smiled, before her eyelids closed. ‘Can you believe it? Can you believe she’s ours?’ Jeff gazed down at his sleeping daughter as he held her carefully in one arm and squeezed Valerie’s hand with his free hand.

‘She’s so pretty, isn’t she? She’s got your eyes and your chin. Look at that determined little chin on her.’ Valerie peered over his shoulder as he sat on the side of the bed. ‘She’s a Briony, isn’t she?’

‘It suits her perfectly,’ Jeff agreed. ‘God, Val, you look wrecked. Was the last bit horrendous?’ he asked, wishing now that he hadn’t chickened out of the birth.

‘It was a bit tough.’ Valerie lay back against the pillow, her hair limp and damp, her face as white as a sheet, black smudges under her eyes. She had been in labour for fourteen hours. He felt it was the longest day and night of his life – what must poor Valerie feel, he thought, admiration for what she had been through surging through him. ‘You look a bit of a sight yourself,’ she teased, rubbing his stubbly jaw.

Impulsively he bent down and kissed her. ‘I love you, Valerie. Thank you for our beautiful daughter,’ he said tenderly, and saw her eyes light up with happiness.

‘You should take Lizzie home. She has to go to work tomorrow. They’re going to take me back to the ward in a little while and bring the baby to the nursery.’

‘OK,’ he said, placing the baby back in her arms. ‘Do you want me to ring the folks?’

‘We can pop you into a wheelchair and Jeff can wheel you to the phone once we’ve freshened you up,’ the nurse said helpfully. ‘Just go outside for a few minutes and we’ll have her sorted.’

His mind was in a whirl as he stood outside the delivery room waiting for Valerie. Holding his baby daughter had filled him with emotions he couldn’t begin to describe. Awe, pride, terror, joy. She was so tiny, so perfect. He would do everything in his power to provide for her, to mind her, to cherish her, he vowed, as he gazed out at the dark empty streets below, the silence only broken by a beer can skittering around in the wind and a skinny stray cat yowling at the moon.

He would be as good a father as Lorcan was to him. He thought gratefully of his own dad and the steady solid support and love that Jeff had taken for granted all these years. He couldn’t wait to tell Tessa and Lorcan the news. Tessa had asked him if he wanted her to come up to be with him, but he’d felt Valerie might be a bit miffed if his mother was out in the waiting room and Carmel wasn’t so he’d told her to stay put.

The door opened and the nurse pushed Valerie’s wheelchair towards him. ‘Don’t keep her too long now. I want to bring her up to her ward and get her a well-deserved cup of tea.’

‘Just a quick phone call to the parents,’ Jeff promised.

‘Can I ring Mam first?’ Valerie asked. ‘I know she’ll be worried sick.’

‘Of course you can,’ he said as they reached the phone.

He dialled her home number, dropped in the coins and handed her the phone.

‘Hi, Mam, it’s me,’ Valerie squeaked excitedly a moment or two later, which led Jeff to believe Carmel had been sitting by the phone waiting. A lonely vigil, he imagined, thinking that Terence would not have stayed up. At least Tessa had Lorcan to support her.

‘We have a baby girl, Mam. She’s beautiful and I’m fine. I won’t stay too long because they want to bring me up to the ward. ’Night, Mam. I can’t wait to show her to you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’ She never mentioned her father, Jeff noticed, and now, being the father of a new baby daughter, he suddenly realized how complex family relationships could be. What if anything ever happened between him and Briony and they became estranged like Valerie and Terence were? He couldn’t even begin to imagine how Valerie’s father could have beaten her with his belt.

She was handing the phone to him and he realized she wanted him to talk to her mother.

‘Hi, Mrs Harris, er . . . sorry for ringing so late but everything went very well and the baby is lovely and we can’t wait for you to see her.’

‘I can’t wait to see her either,’ Carmel said, and he knew she was smiling. ‘Take care of my daughter, Jeff. Be kind to her.’

‘I will, Mrs Harris,’ he said sombrely. ‘Don’t you worry. Good night.’ He replaced the handset.

‘Your turn,’ Valerie tried to suppress a yawn. Just like at the Harris household, the phone was answered almost immediately and his mother’s voice came excitedly over the line. ‘Well, how did it go?’

‘A baby girl, eight pounds two ounces,’ he said proudly, a beam splitting his face from ear to ear.

‘That’s great, Jeff! How is Valerie?’ Tessa exclaimed.

‘She’s fine. Here, say hello.’ He thrust the receiver at Valerie. ‘Ma.’

‘Oh!’ Valerie was nonplussed but she took the phone. ‘Hello, Mrs Egan.’

‘Valerie, congratulations. I hope you’re not too exhausted. Was it difficult?’ Tessa asked warmly.

‘Um . . . a bit painful, but the baby is lovely, and Jeff and Lizzie were with me,’ Valerie said, disarmed by Tessa’s cordiality. ‘I’m just going up to the ward for a cup of tea.’

‘Well, enjoy it. We’ll leave it to come up and see you the day after tomorrow to give you a chance to have a rest.’

‘I’ll see you then. I’ll hand you back to Jeff. Good night, Mrs Egan.’

‘Tessa – please call me Tessa,’ Jeff’s mother urged.

‘Good night, Tessa,’ Valerie said tiredly. She felt suddenly wilted.

‘Ma, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Valerie needs to get to bed,’ Jeff said, seeing her pallor. ‘I’ll just say good night to Da.’

‘A little girl,’ Lorcan said delightedly when he came on the line. ‘Congratulations, son, and give my very best to Valerie and take good care of her.’

‘I will, Da.’ Jeff felt a lump in his throat when he heard his father’s deep voice.

‘Get home and have a good night’s sleep. It’s probably the last one you’ll have for a while,’ Lorcan chuckled. ‘Here’s your mother.’

‘Try and not neglect your studies, Jeff. The exams won’t be long coming and it will be worth it in the end.’