With All My Love (38 page)

‘It’s unbelievable.’ Lorcan drew away from Valerie a while later. ‘Never a day sick in his life and as strong as an ox. What will we do without him?’

‘I think I’m in a dream,’ she confessed.

‘I know.’

‘If I write him a letter can I put it in the coffin?’

‘Of course you can, pet. Anything you want, just tell me.’ Lorcan wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

‘I’ll get Briony to draw him a picture,’ Valerie said. ‘Yes, a letter and a picture, that’s what we’ll do.’

‘I’ll ring you when I know more about when we’re getting him home, and then we’ll make the funeral arrangements. Have you told Lizzie?’

‘Yeah, I phoned her this morning. She heard three knocks on the window last night so she knew someone had died, but she got an awful shock when she heard it was Jeff.’ Valerie’s lip wobbled. Saying the words ‘Jeff ’ and ‘died’ together was surreal.

‘Did she hear the knocks?’ Lorcan was astonished.

‘I always thought that was folklore,’ Valerie admitted.

‘Oh, no, it’s very real. It’s considered a gift in my part of the country. A gift that someone would knock to say goodbye. But then she was very good to Jeff, letting him stay in the flat and everything. He always had the height of praise for her.’ Lorcan took a draught of tea as she sat down beside him again.

‘Lizzie’s a great friend. The best,’ Valerie said.

‘Lean on her. Lean on everyone who offers you their shoulder and lean on me,’ Lorcan said. He stood up to go. ‘Things will settle down again between you and Tessa. She’s a hothead and always was, but she’s got a big heart, Valerie, and Jeff was her favourite although she would never let on.’

‘I know, Lorcan,’ Valerie nodded, but that was just to pacify him and treat him kindly because she knew she would never have any dealings with Tessa Egan again. That woman would never get to hurt her like she had in the past. Jeff’s death cut any ties that bound her and his mother. Lorcan she would always care for.

‘I’ll ring you,’ he said, giving her a hug, and then he was gone. She could hear him making Briony squeal again with another swing in the air.

Valerie sat numbly in the kitchen after he had left. It was so strange, but she still expected Jeff to barge through the door any minute with his football kit, saying, ‘Any chance of a cup of coffee?’ while he filled the washing machine with his mucky gear. Or to hear him say, ‘I’ll get the dinner today – will I make my special
coq au vin
?’ Or, ‘Can we get a babysitter? I want to bring my doll out for a drink.’

She’d never hear him say those things to her again. She would see him in his coffin, see that coffin buried deep in the ground and that was it. That would be her last contact with Jeff. She heard Lorcan’s car drive off and went out to call Briony inside.

‘Darling, come and draw a picture for Daddy. He’s going up to Holy God and we won’t see him until it’s our turn to go up, so draw the best picture you can and pick out a nice present to give him,’ she said, kissing her daughter’s bouncy curls.

‘But why is he going? Does Holy God want him to do some work for him?’ Briony studied her intently. ‘You have red eyes, Mammy, why are your eyes red?’

‘Hay fever,’ fibbed Valerie.

‘Does Holy God want Daddy to get him some fish for his dinner?’

‘
Exactly
,’ agreed Valerie, loving the way her daughter’s mind worked.

‘I’ll draw Daddy a merrymaid and he can have the merrymaid shell I collected yesterday,’ Briony declared, struggling to escape from Valerie’s grasp so she could begin her task immediately. She hurried to get her paper and crayons from the sideboard in the sitting room.

‘I’ll help you,’ said Carmel when Briony came back into the kitchen with her drawing kit.

‘I can do it mine own self, thank you, Granny,’ Briony said determinedly, hauling herself up onto the chair to draw the most important picture of her life.

‘I’m going to write Jeff a letter,’ Valerie said.

‘I’ll leave you to it and go home and get some chores done and I’ll be back later then,’ Carmel said, squeezing Valerie’s shoulder. Valerie placed her hand on her mother’s. ‘Thanks for everything, Mam.’

‘I’m your mother, that’s what mothers are for,’ Carmel said, giving her a hug, and then she was gone and there were just the two of them. Briony, head bent, tongue sticking out at the side of her mouth, with fierce concentration was drawing furiously. Valerie stood up, went to the drawer in the dresser and rooted for a writing pad and a pen. She sat down beside her daughter and opened the pad. She wrote,

My Darling Jeff,

I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. For all the time we’ve been together I’ve always loved you. And I’ll always love you. I had enough love for both of us. I just wish you had loved me as much. I wish you had loved me enough to marry me. The truth is now I feel angry and bitter and sad and resentful. It’s horrible feeling angry with you, but I feel you’ve abandoned me and Briony. I’m in such turmoil I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I hope these feelings will fade and I’ll feel only the love again.

I know you felt trapped when I got pregnant and I never wanted that for you, but you stood by me and became the best father a man could be. You loved Briony with all your heart and that love made a man of you.

I’m sorry for all the times I nagged and I’m sorry for moaning about how much time you spent training. I know you loved football but I loved you and wanted to spend time with you. We had such fun, though, didn’t we? No one could make me laugh like you did . . . well maybe Lizzie . . . I could write a book of Remembers. Remember when we did this? Remember when we did that? There were times that you made me very, very happy and I hope and pray I made you feel the same. Thank you for my darling Briony. She is our gift and will always be a symbol of our love.

I will always cherish every memory of you, my darling Jeff, but the one I cherish most, apart from the birth of our daughter, is of dancing with you in the kitchen last Saturday night.

Roam across the heavens, Beloved Sailor, but don’t forget when that tide turns there is someone here who loves you with all their heart, mind, body and soul.

With all my love,

Valerie XXXXXXX

She read what she had written, knowing it was the truth, even the ugly angry bits. She
was
very angry with Jeff, so angry. But she loved him too, so much. She kissed the letter, folded it, and put it in an envelope. She went to the dresser where a stack of tapes lay in a higgledy-piggledy heap and rummaged until she found the birthday tape with the collection of songs she’d compiled for him. That tape of songs they had played and danced to. She knew she could never listen to it again. She took the letter out and added a PS.

Sing, my lovely Jeff, sing to our songs, and wait for me to come and dance with you. XXX

Tessa might have him now but she’d never have what they’d had, Valerie thought as she placed the letter and tape in an envelope, sealed it with Sellotape and wrote Jeff’s name on the front.

C
HAPTER
T
HIRTY
-F
IVE

Tessa’s heart contracted and she gave a little whimper as Lorcan, Steven, and Lisa’s husband stood under Jeff’s coffin with the undertakers to carry him into the house. At least her son was home, she comforted herself, as Lisa slipped a supportive arm around her waist. She would have her darling boy for the rest of today and tonight, before surrendering him to the Church for the removal and funeral.

‘You just give us a few minutes now to get him settled, Tessa,’ Timmy Roche, the undertaker, said to her as they stood back while the coffin was carried into the sitting room. She and Lisa had spent the morning preparing the room. It was filled with vases of multicoloured gladioli and roses from the garden. There was nothing funereal about the room. Tessa wanted it to be bright and colourful to match the vista of sparkling blue sea and the carpet of gold and emerald that dressed the fields outside. Jeff would not have wanted a sombre setting, of that she was sure. She had a Chieftains’ tape playing on his old boom box.

A few minutes later Timmy came out to her. ‘You can come in now, Tessa.’ He led her into the room where her youngest child lay, eyes closed, that half-smile on his face, so peaceful he could just be asleep.

‘Aah, darling,’ she crooned, caressing his face. ‘We have you home safe and sound.’ Lorcan came to stand beside her and together they looked down at their son as she murmured endearments and told him how much she loved him. Lisa and Steven came and stood at the other side of the casket, and the family was once more united for those precious moments alone before extended family and friends would come to pay their respects and he would be theirs no longer.

Tessa wished they didn’t have to come. She couldn’t help it. She just wanted it to be the four of them spending that last day and night with Jeff before he was gone from them for good. But people were kind, and Jeff had many friends, as did they, and they wanted to support the family. And that was the way it was, especially in a small village where everyone knew everyone else and hardship and loss were a shared experience. For now, though, Jeff was theirs and they spoke to him of their love for him and their pride in him and their sorrow at his leaving.

Later in the afternoon, when many people had called and offered their sympathies, and brought cake and scones and other offerings, and after they’d all been given tea, there was a welcome lull. Lorcan turned to Tessa, who was sitting on the sofa looking beyond Jeff to the vista their big French doors afforded. ‘I’m going to ring Valerie to tell her to come while it’s a bit quiet.’

‘If you must,’ she said resignedly. ‘I’ll just go upstairs.’

‘Could you not make your peace with her, Tess, for all our sakes, for Jeff’s sake, for Briony’s sake?’ he urged.

‘Don’t! Don’t! Today of all days, Lorcan, leave me be,’ she snapped, and turned her head away from him.

‘One other thing we have to sort,’ he said gravely.

‘What?’ She wouldn’t look at him.

‘Valerie sits with the family in the church. In the front seat with us.’

‘No, Lorcan! I don’t want her next or near me.’

‘She can sit beside me or Lisa,’ he said quietly.

‘No—’

‘Tessa, you’ve got everything you wanted for Jeff’s funeral.
I
want this and that’s the end of it.’

She knew there was no arguing with him. When Lorcan spoke in that tone of voice, she had learned not to argue.

‘Fine,’ she said coldly, and turned away from him, seething that he would take Valerie’s side against her. Lorcan shook his head and went out to make his phone call as Tessa sat in silent fury.

Valerie was coming here to the house, against her wishes. She was going to be sitting in the front row of the church with them, against her wishes, and because she was Briony’s mother, she would be a part of Tessa’s life and a thorn in her side for ever and a day. It was bad enough grieving the loss of her son without having to accommodate that spiteful, sharp-tongued little madam. Tessa sat in her sitting room and felt a great sorrow for herself. Just when she and Lorcan should be most united as a couple, they were most divided. And it was all Valerie Harris’s fault.

Lorcan came out to the yard as soon as Valerie drove into it and she knew he must have been waiting for her. ‘Gandad,’ Briony yelled from her booster seat in the back. ‘Hello, pet.’ Lorcan opened the back door for her. ‘And who have we got here? The best little girl in the whole wide world, is it?’ Briony giggled and held her arms up to him.

‘I thought you might like to see her,’ Valerie said quietly. ‘But I won’t bring her into the sitting room.’

‘Thank you, Valerie. She puts a balm on the ache,’ Lorcan said, holding his grandchild tightly and kissing her curls. ‘You can have as much time as you want with him. No one will disturb you.’

Her eyes welled up and she turned away so Briony wouldn’t see. She followed Lorcan into the kitchen, sick to her stomach. None of the others would probably talk to her after the row with Tessa. She had never felt so alone in her life. Carmel had wanted to come with her but she had said no, this was something she had to do alone. She was afraid if Tessa went off on one of her rants, more words would be exchanged and she didn’t want that. Carmel had enough of her own troubles.

‘I’ll take Briony up to see her gran. Take all the time you need, Valerie,’ Lorcan said, leading the little girl through the kitchen and handing her a fairy cake from one of the plates piled with goodies.

‘Thanks, Lorcan,’ she said gratefully. Jeff’s father was one of the most decent men she had ever met, she acknowledged as her daughter said happily. ‘Yum, yum, Gandad.’

The kitchen looked like a bakery with all the cakes and pastries people had brought with them laid out on the table. A neighbour had brought a casserole, someone else had brought a tureen of potato soup and chunky Vienna rolls. There was enough food to feed an army. Lisa was the first person she saw. She was drying cups and putting them away in the press. Jeff’s sister hurried to her side and put her arms around her, and then Valerie was sobbing into her shoulder.

‘Oh Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, what am I going to do? I can’t bear it,’ she wept brokenly.

‘I know, I know.’ The older girl cried with her, stroking her back as she held her. ‘Come on in and see him. He looks lovely,’ Lisa said eventually, taking her hand. She followed Jeff’s sister into the sitting room and one of his aunts, who was sitting there, stood up to leave. ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ she said kindly, pressing Valerie’s hand, and then she was gone and it was just her and Lisa. Valerie walked over to where her darling lay as though asleep.