With All My Love (53 page)

‘Well, this is strange,’ Tessa said bluntly when Valerie was finally seated opposite her, sipping her black coffee.

‘
Very
,’ agreed Valerie emphatically, replacing the cup on the saucer and staring at her.

‘And difficult,’ Tessa added, a little disconcerted by the other woman’s stare.

‘
Very
,’ Valerie agreed.

‘Well, it has to be done. It’s only fair on Briony and Katie and the new baby that we try and reconcile our differences.’ Tessa shook a sachet of sugar into her coffee and gave it a vigorous stir.

‘Funny, isn’t it, how mothers so often have to try and do what’s fair for everyone else and have to put their own needs and desires aside,’ Valerie observed.

‘And what would your need and desire be? Not to be having this conversation, I suppose?’ The tart tone that Valerie remembered so well was back.

‘Correct.’ Valerie made no bones about it.

Tessa laughed. ‘Well, at least we can be honest with each other, and that’s a start. I feel exactly the same.’

‘I would have been surprised if you didn’t.’ Valerie felt some of the tension ease. ‘So, Tessa, are you finally going to tell me why you were so vehemently against Jeff and I getting married, even after Jeff got his exams? Is that the matter we have to sort out? If you hadn’t stood in our way Briony would have been an Egan, you realize that, don’t you?’ Valerie tried to keep the edge of bitterness out of her voice.

‘Yes, I realize that, Valerie, I realize it very well. I realize that if I had behaved differently I would have had the comfort of my grandchild’s love all these years,’ Tessa said quietly. ‘But now that you have a grandchild of your own, you surely must admit that what you did, taking her away from us and never getting in touch, was the cruellest thing imaginable.’

‘It didn’t seem so at the time, Tessa. I was devastated. Overwhelmed with grief and shock and terror. I was on my own, Tessa, and for that I blamed you,’ Valerie retorted in a low voice as her anger began to rise.

‘I was pretty devastated too—’

‘You had Lorcan and your other children, and a lot of family support,’ Valerie cut in sharply.

‘We shouldn’t do the blame game, otherwise we’ll be back to square one and this meeting will be pointless.’ Tessa met Valerie’s resentful gaze.

‘I know, but it’s hard, very, very hard, Tessa.’ Valerie felt her composure slipping and tears threatened to spill.

‘For me too, but let’s try and sort it and make some sort of peace over it,’ the older woman said in a kinder tone.

‘Just tell me why you were so against us getting married. Was it because you looked down your nose at my family? Was that it?’ Valerie’s voice shook.

‘Good Lord, no!’ Tessa looked shocked. ‘I
liked
Carmel. She was a lady. I didn’t know your father too well except for when we had that family meeting, and I understood his feelings, although you might not think I did. And yes, we had words, him and me, but it wasn’t anything to do with your family, really, and I’m sorry if you’ve felt it was all these years.’

‘What was it then, apart from you thinking that Jeff was too young? Or what was it about
me
that you didn’t like?’ Valerie demanded agitatedly, as all around them the hum of chat and jangle of cutlery against crockery faded into the background.

‘Oh, Valerie, it was complicated.’ Tessa’s face crumpled and she was the one to lose composure as a tear rolled slowly down her cheek. Seeing Jeff’s mother cry shook Valerie more than she could have imagined. Impulsively she reached across the table and laid a hand on the other woman’s forearm.

‘Please don’t cry, Tessa. I’m sorry if I’m brusque. I don’t mean to be. I’m just feeling overwhelmed. If you could just tell me your reasons it might help me put the matter to rest. I know now that I did you and Lorcan and Briony a terrible injustice, cutting off all contact. As you say, having a grandchild of my own has shown me just how awful what I did was. I didn’t realize at the time that it would have such consequences, not that that’s any excuse now,’ Valerie said quietly, hardly able to believe she had said what she’d said. She certainly hadn’t planned to. It must have been Tessa’s tears that had triggered her admission.

‘It was as bad as losing Jeff,’ Tessa gulped. ‘We
grieved
for that child. I drove up to Dublin many times to where the flat you and Lizzie shared was, and drove around that area hoping against hope that I would see her. I figured you would have moved back to Glasnevin. Every morning that the postman came I prayed for a letter from you, or Briony when she was older. It was a living hell.’

Valerie went pale. ‘I
am
sorry, Tessa. Very,
very
sorry.’ She had given so little thought to the consequences of her thoughtless cruel act and now she would have to live with the knowledge that she had added immeasurably to Tessa and Lorcan’s misery. ‘I was so angry with you when Jeff died I just wanted to get away from Rockland’s and from you. And because I was working in Dublin it made sense to move back there. Even if we had been married I would probably have moved back because of the circumstances, but I wouldn’t have stopped you seeing Briony . . .’ She trailed off.

‘It
was
partly because Jeff was so young,’ Tessa admitted, rooting for a tissue in her bag. ‘He was my youngest and he had his whole life ahead of him, and having a child tied him down like nothing else on earth. Being married, having to get a mortgage when all his friends were off enjoying life unfettered – it was so upsetting for me as a mother to see all his freedom and carefree existence go out the window. It was hard to deal with. But that was only part of the reason. I wanted both of you to be sure that you wanted to be together for life. I didn’t want
you
, Valerie, to end up like me.’ Tessa’s voice cracked and she lowered her gaze and bent her head to take a sip of coffee.

‘Like you? How do you mean? I don’t understand.’ Valerie was perplexed. What on earth was the woman talking about?

‘No, you don’t. I don’t think there’s many who would.’ Tessa raised her head and looked her straight in the eye. ‘I was the same age as you when I got pregnant out of wedlock. I knew
exactly
what you and Jeff were going through, believe me,’ she said grimly.

‘Oh!’
Valerie didn’t know what to say. This was the last thing she’d expected to hear.

‘Oh indeed!’ Tessa gave a glimmer of a smile.

‘But surely then you’d have
wanted
us to get married.
You
got married,’ Valerie said indignantly.

‘Oh, yes, I did . . . I surely did . . . the classic shotgun wedding.’ She gave a deep heartfelt sigh. ‘And to this day, Valerie, to this day I wonder did Lorcan ever feel I tricked him, or would he have married me if things had been different and he hadn’t been
forced
to. All my married life I’ve had this underlying fear and it’s an awful thing, believe me. I didn’t want that for Jeff and I didn’t want it for you.’

‘But Lorcan
loves
you!’ Valerie exclaimed. ‘You and he had a great relationship. Your marriage was so different from my parents’. It was a real marriage.’

‘I know, and yes, I know now that Lorcan loves me, but the thing is, Valerie, he’s a good man. He did the
right
thing. He did what he
had
to do. But was it what he wanted to do? Believe me, I’d far prefer to be married to someone who
wanted
to be married to me and not someone who
had
to be married to me.’

‘I remember you saying that to me in the hospital—’

‘Valerie, could we just forget that awful episode ever happened?’ Tessa said hastily. ‘I am deeply, deeply ashamed of it, and my behaviour around the time of the funeral.’

‘I was pretty mean myself that day. It was like a nightmare,’ Valerie said, almost weak with relief that they weren’t going to relive that hideous day, with ‘you said’ and ‘I said’. ‘Let’s not talk about that horrendous day. Did you ever stop to think that Lorcan might wonder would
you
have married him if you hadn’t got pregnant?’

Tessa laughed. ‘Ah, Valerie, Lorcan was every girl’s dream where we grew up. He had his pick of them all.’

‘You’re a very attractive woman yourself and always were, Tessa.
He
might have been the one wondering,’ Valerie said, astonished at what she was hearing coming out of her mouth. Had she just paid Tessa Egan a
compliment
?

‘I don’t know about that. What I do know is that I didn’t want there to be any doubt in your mind or Jeff’s, and that was why I was so opposed to you and him getting married. Because he wasn’t ready, Valerie, he told me that himself. I shouldn’t have said that he didn’t love you. That was very wrong of me. He just wasn’t ready. It wasn’t like when Lorcan and I were young. Getting pregnant outside of marriage made you pariahs and your family the talk of the town.’

‘It was still fairly taboo when I got pregnant,’ Valerie interjected. ‘I had a hard enough time too. Nowadays it’s nearly the norm to have the child first and get married later!’ she said with wry humour.

‘I know. How times have changed.’ Tessa nodded. ‘Jeff
would
have married you straight away if Carmel and I hadn’t argued against it. You know that, don’t you?’

‘I know,’ Valerie said flatly.

‘He was a good boy.’

‘I know that too. So really what you’re telling me is that it wasn’t about us at all, it was all about you and Lorcan,’ Valerie said dejectedly.

‘What?’ Tessa looked askance.

‘It was all because of what you were feeling and your own emotions that you stopped us from getting married.’

‘I . . . I . . . didn’t want either of you to go through what Lorcan and I went through.’

‘But Jeff and I loved each other despite what you want to think,’ Valerie retorted.

‘Do you think you and Jeff would have lasted as a couple if you hadn’t fallen pregnant? Can you
honestly
say you would have?’ Tessa responded.

‘Yes. We were mad about each other.’

‘And what about the arguments about his football training, or when he wanted to go out for a drink with the lads?’ she asked pointedly.

‘Every couple has those kind of arguments,’ Valerie said hotly.

‘Valerie, it wasn’t out of spite that I stopped you from getting married, it was out of concern and fear that you might not be right for each other. I never thought Jeff was going to die.’

‘Well, he did!’ Valerie burst into tears, oblivious of the glances from two women at the table opposite.

‘Oh, please, please don’t cry. I’m really very sorry, Valerie. If I had my time over again I’d behave differently,’ Tessa said pleadingly.

‘No you wouldn’t, Tessa. You were Jeff’s mother and you were looking out for him, and if the same thing happened to a son of mine, if I’d had one, I’d probably do the same,’ Valerie sniffed. ‘That’s what mothers do . . . interfere.’ She gave a watery smile. ‘For what it’s worth, again, I’m very sorry too for allowing my bitterness to eat into me all these years and for depriving my daughter of her grandparents and aunt and uncle and cousins. If she never forgave me it would be good enough for me.’

‘Don’t say that,’ Tessa exclaimed. ‘We all made mistakes that have hurt and damaged us, but at least we can move on from it now if you want to.’

‘Do you?’

‘Yes I do, Valerie. Very much.’

‘Me too,’ Valerie said tiredly. ‘Carrying anger and hate is a heavy burden; it would be good to let it go.’

‘Lorcan will be pleased. He never holds on to things. That’s one of the things I love about him.’ Tessa smiled.

‘Perhaps you should learn from him. He
does
love you, Tessa. You really should forgive yourself,’ Valerie observed, wiping her eyes.

‘Forgive myself!’ Tessa echoed.

‘You’ve never forgiven yourself for getting pregnant, have you? I always remember you saying to me, “It’s down to the girl! The girl can always say no!”’ Valerie reminded her.

‘Oh God! I was a bitch, wasn’t I? You’re right, it wasn’t you I was mad at it, it was myself. When you got pregnant it brought me right back to that awful time in my life. That wasn’t directed at you at all. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.’

‘Tessa, how could you forgive me when you couldn’t forgive yourself? You need to let go of your own past.’ Valerie sighed. She felt drained at the intensity of their discussion.

‘I do, don’t I? It’s very hard, though.’ Tessa shrugged.

‘I know. It
is
hard. I’ve had to do a lot of thinking lately. I had to address issues I had with my father and try to forgive him for his behaviour towards me. Nothing is ever black or white. There are reasons for everything, especially for the way we behave. It’s our past that forms us, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. When we understand our past we can be more understanding of ourselves.’

‘That’s very, very true,’ Tessa agreed. ‘Valerie, there’s one other thing,’ she said hesitantly.

‘Oh?’ Valerie said warily.

‘Do you think we could take a little walk? It’s very crowded here and those two women are earwigging,’ she murmured.

Valerie looked across at the two middle-aged women, who looked away hastily.

‘Sure. I think we’ve given them enough entertainment,’ Valerie said drily, and Tessa smiled. They put their coats on, wrapped their scarves around their necks and negotiated their way between the tables.

‘They’re still gawking!‘ Tessa said, glaring over her shoulder at the pair, who were staring unashamedly at them.

‘I’d love to stick out my tongue,’ Valerie said, holding the heavy swing doors open for the older woman. ‘We could go over there.’ She pointed to the Alpine Garden directly opposite. ‘It’s private enough and there’s a bench to sit on, as far as I remember.’

‘Perfect,’ Tessa agreed. ‘And it’s sheltered from the cold,’ she said, stepping down into the small enclave protected by a high natural stone wall. There was a small wooden bench backing onto the wall and they sat down on it together.

‘So what’s the other thing you want to discuss?’ Valerie got straight to the point. There was no point in dragging it out.