With or Without Him (46 page)

Tyler put his book aside and pushed himself to a sitting position. “It’s okay.”

Haris edged into the room and closed the door. “Can I sit down?”

“Sure.” Tyler shuffled until his back hit a box and Haris dropped onto the other end of his uncomfortable bed. He looked like shit which made Tyler feel happy and sad.

“I made a mistake,” Haris said. “I thought you’d been looking for flats on the Internet. I saw all the sites you’d pulled up and assumed you wanted to leave now the four months were up.”

Tyler groaned. “They were for Jeremy.”

“Wilson told me. It wasn’t just that. I overheard you talking on the phone. A conversation about the contract being done, finished, over and how happy you were. I thought you meant our contract, not the one for the band. Wilson put me right about that too.”

Anger swamped Tyler’s misery. “Why didn’t you just ask me?”

“I was too…hurt. You’d think I’d have more sense than to jump to conclusions. I
do
have more sense usually.”

“You told me to go before I could tell you I was leaving.”

“Yes.”

“Coward,” Tyler spat out the word. “You’re a fucking coward.”

Haris’s olive skin paled. “I thought it would hurt less if I pushed you away first. It hurt more.”

Tyler wrapped his arms around his bent knees. “You think?”

Haris’s head dropped. “Hell, I don’t know. But I’m sorry. Forgive me?”

“No. You’ll do it again.”

“I won’t.”

“Yeah, you will. You were so worried about getting hurt that you forgot you were hurting me. You’ve done it before. You’ll do it again.”

Haris let out a shaky exhale. “I know I’ve fucked up, but the truth is you only climbed into my bed because I offered you money. That’s always been there between us.”

“Because you left it there between us.” Tyler glared. “If it was just the money, I wouldn’t have felt anything for you. I wouldn’t have just spent a sleepless night trying to figure out what I’d done to make you treat me like something to wipe off your shoe. And I
did
figure it out. At the beginning, you told me over and over that it was just a business relationship and at the end, that’s what I forgot. It was buried under all we did together, but it was always there and I forgot and you didn’t.”

He could feel himself growing colder and colder as if he sat in a snowstorm. It hurt to see Haris again, more than he’d imagined but it would hurt more to give in and be hurt again.

“It’s been months since I even thought about that fucking contract,” Haris whispered. “You think I don’t regret the way I acted? I should have asked you out like a normal human being and—”

“Then why didn’t you?”

Haris sucked in his cheeks. “Because I never have. I’ve never done more than hook up with a willing guy in a club and take him to a hotel, knowing that in the morning, if not well before, we’ll walk away and never see one another again. That was all I wanted.” He exhaled. “The exception being Karl.”

To Tyler’s annoyance, he bristled.
I don’t want to be bloody jealous.
“Who’s he?”
Damn.

“He was my sub.”

Tyler gulped. “You told me you weren’t into that scene.” He couldn’t suppress his shudder.

“I’m not, but I was once. It fulfilled a need. It enabled me to extend the control I had in my business life to my personal one. I liked having the complete trust of another person whose physical and emotional wellbeing was dependant on me. I knew, even as I fell deeper into the BDSM world, that it was a reaction to what had happened to me in Riyadh. My family had rejected me, one brother betrayed me, I’d let the other one down, my country didn’t want me and it was possible my mother had died because of what I’d done. Being a Dom gave me back the confidence I’d lost, it gave me power over my emotions. Karl offered me unconditional love and I took it, because I thought that was what I wanted.

“But I was wrong. I cared for him but not enough. I wouldn’t show him my back, or talk about my back, and he went out of his way to avoid the subject. I continued the relationship long after I should have stopped and when there was a line—a means of causing pain that I wouldn’t cross, he turned to someone who would and almost died. Karl was mixed up, abused by his uncle with his mother’s support throughout his childhood. He could be so naïve and yet so conniving, sweet and kind but depraved and mean. He was generous yet greedy. He loved me in his way. I thought I loved him. I thought I understood him and could handle him, even mend him, and I was wrong. I let him down.”

He met Tyler’s gaze for only a moment, and Tyler suspected he’d never told anyone this before.

“After Karl, I never went back into that world. I picked up guys, fucked them in the dark and left before they woke. I couldn’t risk getting involved with anyone. I didn’t want to hurt someone again, or be hurt. Then I saw you. Actually, I heard you before I saw you. You were throwing up before the concert. I heard Flowers tear a strip off you because of the way you were dressed and you stood with your back toward me flicking your wrist with your finger and thumb and my cock went rock hard. Then I saw you on stage and I don’t think I heard a thing you played—sorry. But in that moment, I moved from thoughts of a hot night in bed, to the idea of something more permanent. Except I didn’t think you’d want me, not once you’d got to know me, seen my back—”

“You think I’m so shallow? Are
you
so shallow?”

“I’m ashamed of the way I look. No one has ever seen my back in daylight. No one but you. I’ve never really opened my heart to anyone but you. I take calculated risks all the time in my business, but you are the biggest one I’ve taken because I risked everything.”

“You don’t think I did too?” Tyler whispered. “You came to mean more and more to me, and I could no sooner have turned away from you than stop the earth spinning. I thought, if this ends with me broken, so be it. But as every day passed, I thought: he won’t break me, he loves me and one day, he’ll tell me. But you didn’t because you don’t.”

Haris swallowed hard. “I…I do love you. I should have told you.”

This wasn’t the way Tyler wanted to hear those words he’d been waiting for. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because I don’t say it. I never say it. Then my father…when I knew he was dying, I wanted to tell him I loved him and I found the words because of you.”

Tyler let out a sad laugh. “I loved you from the moment you saw me on that cross and you knew without me able to say a word that I needed help. Course, I fell out of love with you every time you fucked up, but it was always me who came back, me forgiving you. I know we’re both messed up, but I’m tired of it always being me who puts things right.”

“I’m trying now,” Haris blurted. “I’m trying to tell you what you mean to me. You’ve filled my heart. Filled it to overflowing. I couldn’t love anyone as much as I love you. Will you come home? Please.”

Oh God, I want to, but I can’t go through this again.
He flicked his wrist with his finger. “No.”

Haris crumpled. “Why not? What can I do? Tell me.” He moved onto his knees and stared Tyler in the eyes. “Please come home. I need you. You’re my balance, my partner, my love. And I am so fucking proud of you and so ashamed of myself. I should have talked to you. All this could have been avoided if I’d trusted you. I’m an idiot and I’m sorry.”

Tyler’s throat tightened. “You thought the worst of me. I can’t live with someone who doesn’t trust me. I know you love me, but you don’t love me enough.” His heart clenched as he uttered the final sentence.

Haris went even paler. “Don’t say that.”

“Go home.”

“No,” Haris blurted. He slumped against the door. “I would give anything to take back yesterday. I hurt you. The desk… I don’t even want to… Oh shit, please, forgive me.” He put his head in his hands.

“I get that you’re sorry, but I’m not coming back.” It didn’t get easier the more times he said it.

Haris lifted his head and stared at him. “I as good as raped you. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t even ask you to forgive me, but I want you to know how sorry I am.”

“I could have stopped you. It wasn’t rape, but you wanted to hurt me. I don’t know what you were thinking. I can’t get my head around that.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Tyler swallowed hard. “I can’t live with you anymore.”

“And I can’t live without you.”

“You’ll have to try. I’d like you to go now.”
Because I’m going to give in and fucking kiss you in a minute and you don’t fucking deserve it.

Haris pushed to his feet. “I’m not giving up on us. Just warning you.”

I don’t want you to give up. Listen to me without me saying a word. Make me believe you love me.

Tyler held his breath as Haris left the room and only when he heard the click of the outer door did he exhale. He curled up on the floor and buried his face in his arms. If he was doing the right thing in pushing Haris away, why did he feel so bad?

Haris stumbled down the road to where Wilson sat in the car and yanked open the rear door.

Wilson turned. “I take it by the look on your face that Tyler won’t be joining us.”

Haris didn’t answer.

“Then you’ve not done enough, said enough, tried hard enough,” Wilson muttered.

He clenched his teeth. “I said plenty. Tyler listened and told me to go.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Think of a way to win him back.”

Wilson started the car. “Excellent.”

“Maybe I could find him a place to stay. He’s not even sleeping in a bed. I could find a flat and—” Haris jolted as the car slammed to a halt. “What the hell?”

“Have you learned nothing?” Wilson asked. “The one thing Tyler does not need is a gesture involving money. If you want to win him back, you have to show him why you need him, why he needs you. You can’t
buy
him back, not when money’s the root of what’s gone wrong between you. I sometimes wish you didn’t have any money at all, sir.”

“I wouldn’t be employing you then, would I?” he snapped. “What do you want me to do? Give it all away?”

“Of course not. You worked hard for it, but you think it solves everything and it doesn’t. If you take my advice, which of course, you normally don’t, even though I’m years older than you and far more experienced in the ups and downs of life, the way to Tyler’s heart lies in the small things you might do and not in grand gestures. You need to be patient.”

“You don’t want that trip to Hawaii in September then?”

“I most certainly do, sir. The way to my heart is most certainly through your wallet, but then I don’t love you.”

“What? Not even a little bit?” Haris risked a smile.

“Well, maybe a little bit. Home, sir?”

Haris sighed. “Yes. I’ll think on the way. Small gestures, right? Any ideas?”

“They wouldn’t be your gestures then, would they?”

Haris took out his BlackBerry and made notes.

Tyler received a ‘good luck’ card from Haris before every one of his exams over the next two weeks but when it came to the last one, there was no card at the breakfast table.

“Has the postman been?” he asked Des.

“Yep.”

He didn’t want to be disappointed Haris had forgotten, but he was. Maybe he’d finally given up. He’d managed two weeks and Tyler had waited for four months.

“You going to come out tonight to celebrate your last three hours sitting behind a desk?” Des asked. “Or are you going to mope around like you usually do?”

“I don’t feel like going out.”

“What a surprise.”

Tyler glared. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ve changed. You used to be fun. The last three songs you’ve written have been bloody funeral dirges. So you don’t want the guy anymore, get over it, move on. This is the start of something big for us, and I don’t want you to mess it up by being a miserable git.”

He sank his teeth into his cheeks.

Des heaved a sigh. “Look. We all get you’re upset. I don’t know what went off between the two of you but you can’t let it break you. There’s plenty of others out there.”

“Not like Haris,” Tyler muttered.

“Then fucking make up with him.”

Tyler grabbed his backpack and stalked for the door. “See you later.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

Des had completed his final exam two days ago. Tyler was the last in the house to finish. He never wanted to sit another exam as long as he lived. He pulled open the front door and saw a bright blue balloon floating above the path, attached to a stone. On the balloon was written “Good Luck, Tyler.” He laughed.
Haris’s work?
He walked past it and then went back into the house.

“Can I borrow your penknife?” he called to Des.

“It’s on the table.”

Tyler grabbed it and cut the balloon free, keeping hold of the tape. It had to be Haris’s good luck card. But when he emerged onto the road, he gasped. A line of blue balloons floated along the route he took to college. He gathered them as he walked along, gripping the lines tightly, wondering if Haris was watching. Passersby smiled at him and a few wished him good luck as he collected the balloons. They continued through the college grounds to the steps of the building and now Tyler had them all, he didn’t know what to do with them. He was too early for the exam so he walked back to an open spot next to the Thames and let them go.