Wolfsong (22 page)

He sighed. “I don’t know if I can explain it, really. That feeling inside. The Alpha. I’m not one yet, but it’s close. It bubbles just below the surface. There are times when all I can think of is marking you so everyone knows who you belong to. To carve my name into your skin so you never forget me. To hide my family away so no one can ever hurt them. I have to protect what’s mine. Richard tried to take that away from me, and I think it made it worse. I don’t think he knew that he was making it worse.”

I said, “It’s not bad,” though I wasn’t sure if that was exactly right.

His eyes flashed at me in the dark, orange with flecks of red. His voice was a growl when he said, “I want your blood on my tongue. I want to break you open and crawl inside of you. I am a monster because of the things I could do to you that you wouldn’t be able to stop me from doing.” He looked away and took a calming breath. Another. And then another. When he spoke again, his voice was quieter. “Dad knows this. Mom does too. It’s why I go with him. To the middle of the woods. To learn control. For myself. For them. For you. Because he broke something in me. He made me this way. He made me want to be a monster, and I don’t always think I can stop it.”

I brushed a strand of hair off his forehead. “I’m not scared of you. I never have been.”

“Maybe you should be.”

“Joe.” A hint of annoyance edged my voice.

“I would kill for you,” he said harshly. “If anyone tried to hurt you. I would kill them.”

I said, “I know,” and I said, “Because I would do the same for you.”

He laughed, and it was tinged with wolf, all snap and snarls. “I see him. Sometimes. When I close my eyes.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know if that’ll ever go away.”

“I know that too.”

“And you still said yes?”

I said, “Yes,” and moved my hand in his hair again.

He sighed.

We watched the stars.

They were so much bigger than we could ever hope to be.

Someone told me once that the light we see from them is hundreds of thousands of years old. That the star could already be dead and we’d never know it because it still looked alive. I thought that was a terrible thing. That the stars could lie.

I said, “Are you scared?”

“Yes,” he said immediately. Then, “Of what?”

“Becoming the Alpha.”

“Maybe. Sometimes. I think I’ll do good, you know? And then I think that I won’t.”

“You’ll do good.”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll help.” Because I would.

He was quiet for a while. “I didn’t think we’d get here.”

That hurt to hear. For the both of us. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “Don’t be. You have a choice. You’re human.”

I said, “And you? Do you have a choice?”

He said, “It’s you. I would always choose you. I don’t care if it’s a biological imperative. I don’t care if it’s some destiny. I don’t care if you were made specifically for me. It doesn’t matter. Because I would choose you regardless.”

I thought of kissing him then. I thought on it quite a bit.

But I didn’t. I should have.

Instead, I said, “You’re not a monster,” and touched his cheek. His ears. His lips. “You’re not. I promise you. I swear to you. You’re not.”

And he said, “Ox. Ox.
Ox
.” And he shook and broke and I crumbled right along with him.

I think we both cried a little then.

Because we weren’t yet men.

get you a bear/hurt you

SOMETIMES I
drove home in the old truck Gordo had bought me.

Most times, I walked home because I knew Joe would be there.

I could count on it. It didn’t need any explanation. It just was.

So of course he was there, days later. Standing in the shadow of an old elm tree, the sunlight filtering through the leaves and dancing on his arms and neck. He’d been small, before. That first day. The runt of the pack. The little tornado.

But not anymore. Part of it was genetics. Part of it was him becoming an Alpha. He’d grown into himself, and I know he heard the moment my heart tripped all over itself, because he smiled at it like it pleased him.

“Hey, Joe.”

“Hi. Hi, Ox.”

I stopped in front of him, unsure. It’d only been a week since this… thing. This
thing
had started. This…
thing
between us.

“Hi,” I said lamely, words drying up on my tongue.

We stared at each other.

It was
stupid
.

So I said, “This is weird,” and at the same time, Joe said, “I want to take you on a date.”

I choked on my tongue. And coughed. And finally said, “Yeah. Sure. Okay. Yeah. Sounds great. When. Now? We could go now.”

His eyes went wide. “Right now?”

I said, “No! No. I didn’t mean. You know. We could.”

“Oh. Well. Maybe? We could… go. Someplace.”

“Are you going to bring me more dead animals or mini muffins?” I blurted out. Then cringed. “You… ah. Don’t have to.” I didn’t even get to
have
any mini muffins because the guys at the shop had eaten them all. Except for Gordo. Gordo had just glared at them.

He looked at me strangely. “Do you
want
more animals? I can go hunt right now! I’ll get you another deer. Or a bear. I’ll get you a bear!”

Then he started taking off his clothes, so I said, “You’re getting
naked
?” Because of all the
skin
.

His shirt was already off when he said, “What?”

I grasped onto the only thing that made sense. “You’re seventeen!”

“Not for too much longer,” he said and his voice was
deep
. Because he was
leering
.

Instead of focusing on that, I said, “I don’t need a bear.”

“Deer?” he asked.

I shook my head because the idea of him dragging a dead deer out of the forest and leaving it on the front lawn made me queasy.

“You should put your shirt back on,” I said.

He squinted at me. “Why?”

“Because of… you know. All of
that
.” I waved my hand at his entire being.

Then he grinned. And it was
evil
. “All of this?” He flexed his chest.
Unfairly.

I managed to say, “Yes. To all of that.”

He took a step toward me. “We could… ah. You know.” He waggled his eyebrows at me and I thought,
fuck
.

I took a step back. “Or we could wait until you’re eighteen.”

Now he glared. There was a bit of wolf in it. “That’s not how this works.”

“Yeah, because you know how this works. With all the courting you’ve done.”

“I can’t wait until I’m Alpha so I can tell you what to do all the time.”

“I’m going to tell your dad you only want to be Alpha so you can get in my pants.”

He groaned. “Don’t talk about my dad while I’m trying to seduce you.”

“Stop talking,” I begged him. “Please.”

And then, of course, Carter and Kelly appeared, on their run.

They stopped and stared at us.

We stared back. I felt guilty. Because their underage brother was shirtless and it probably smelled like a whorehouse where we stood.

Kelly said, “This is awkward.”

I said, “Nothing happened!”

Carter said, “Oh my god, it stinks like
sex
.”

Joe said, “I’m going to kill him a bear.”

There was more staring.

Kelly said, “I am so uncomfortable right now.”

I said, “Put your clothes back on.”

Carter said, “It’s like I’m drowning in pheromones and boners.”

Joe said, “Or maybe a deer.”

All the staring.

Kelly said, “I hope you both know you’ve ruined life for me.”

I said, “Your
shirt
, Joe. Put on your
shirt
.”

And then, just because he was a
dick
, Carter said, “It’s a good thing I popped Ox’s gay kissing cherry like
years
ago. You’re
welcome
.”

Joe roared and Carter
laughed
and took off, Joe’s shirt falling to the ground and his shorts tearing as he shifted into his wolf. They took off through the trees, Joe snarling and howling in anger.

Kelly and I stood on the dirt road.

“So,” I said.

“Yeah,” Kelly said.

“Is he really going to kill a bear?”

Kelly snorted. “Probably. Now that you’ve made out with Carter.”

“I didn’t
make out
with Carter!”

“But you kissed him?”

“He kissed
me
.”

“I really don’t see the difference.”

“He’s straight.”

Kelly arched an eyebrow at me. “I don’t know if werewolves identify as anything but fluid.”

“But… he said… he
told
me—”

Kelly rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know
anything
about werewolves,” I muttered.

Kelly huffed as he heard Joe’s angry roar echo through the forest. “Pretty sure we’re listening to fratricide,” he said.

“I don’t know what that is.”

Kelly said, “Joe’s gonna kill Carter.”

“Seriously?”

Kelly shrugged. “Probably. It certainly sounds like he wants to.”

“You don’t seem too worried about that.”

“Eh,” Kelly said. “What can you do? I haven’t had sex with either a guy
or
a girl yet.”

“Uh. Thank you for sharing?”

“Thought about it,” he said.

“Okay.”

“Seems like a lot of work,” he said with a frown as some wolf got thrown into a tree by the sound of it.

“It is,” I assured him.

“I made out with a guy, though,” he said.

“What? When?”

“At this…
thing
. I don’t even know. Then there was this girl. I don’t know if that counted, though. She just… put her tongue on my face. Like, near my nose.”

“Okay?”

“Is it bad to be twenty-one and not have had sex?”

“Uh… no? Why are you asking me?”

He stared at me. “You’re the future mate of the future Alpha. You have to answer questions like this.”

“I do?”

“Yeah. It’s, like, your job.”

“Oh. No one told me?”

“What did you think you’d be doing?”

“Honestly? I’m not really sure. This was all kind of… sudden.”

“When you got a boner for Joe?” he asked sympathetically.

“Oh my god.”

“So you have to give advice and stuff. Help the pack when we have problems. It’s what Mom does. It’s what she did too. When the pack was bigger.”

“I’m not your mom.”

He dismissed that with a wave of his hand. “Might as well be.” His mouth twitched. “Or something like it. Dad?”

“I will make sure you never get laid.”

He shrugged. “I’m sure it’ll happen when I’m ready.”

I nodded. “And not a day before. Don’t let anyone pressure you into anything.”

He grinned. “Thanks, Dad.”

I took a breath to stop from punching his face. He would have healed from it while I walked away with a broken hand anyway. “Okay. I’m not very good at talking. Or advice. Or much else.” Because if he needed it, if they needed me, then I’d do what I could.

“You do okay.”

I smiled at him. “Yeah?”

“Except for the part where you made out with Carter before Joe has ever gotten to tap that.”

Wolves snarled somewhere in the forest. I said, “That’s just swell.”

“JOE’S TAKING
me out on a date,” I told Mom because I told her everything now. It seemed easier that way.

She said, “Oh? Where?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. He might kill me a bear.”

She nodded. “Sounds about right. Well… have fun with that. I have to get to the diner. Don’t sleep with him yet.”

I almost fell over. “Uh. Okay?”

She sighed. “You want to, though.”

“Jesus Christ, Mom—”

“Do you need me to pick you up some condoms? I think I have a coupon.”

I banged my head on the kitchen table. “Please leave. Please.”

So she kissed me on the forehead and went to work.

WE WENT
on a date.

It was awkward.

Not because of us.

Well. Not
just
because of us.

He knocked on the door.

I opened it even before he finished.

He said, “These are for you.” He handed me more mini muffins. And then he grumbled, “I couldn’t find any bears.”

I said, “That’s okay.” Because I didn’t honestly know what I would have done with a bear carcass.

He rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry.”

“So, mini muffins?”

He grinned brilliantly. “Mini muffins.”

“I am okay with that.”

“You look hot,” he blurted out. Then he frowned. “I mean, you look very nice. I am going to keep this classy. Mom told me to keep it classy.”

I glanced down. I was wearing jeans and a red button-up shirt. “Thanks?” I asked him. But I meant to
tell
him that, so I said, “Thanks.” And then, “You look very nice too.” Though my traitorous mouth almost said
fuckable
instead of
nice
. “I like your… pants.”

“My pants,” he said.

Gray slacks. Wool, maybe?

I stared at them.

And he said, “Really? Just what do you like about them? Maybe how they’d look on your floor?” His eyes widened. “Whoa. That sounded classier in my head.”

How had he moved that much closer without me noticing?

I could feel his breath on my cheek.

“We,” I said. “Uh. We should. Go?”

He said, “We could stay,” and his lips scraped against my cheek.

So I said, “Thanks for the muffins,” and stepped away.

He glared at me. “I can smell it, you know.”

And I said, “That’s not normal.”

He rolled his eyes and dragged me to Elizabeth’s car.

It was expensive. With so many buttons. I pressed one and my seat vibrated and I said, “Ooooh.”

We also went to the only fancy place in Green Creek. And by “fancy” I mean it was the only place that had tablecloths and folded napkins.

So of course Frankie was the waiter.