Wolfsong (48 page)

“It sure as hell
wasn’t
,” I snapped at him. “You could have—”

“We left to end this. To draw attention away from you and find him ourselves,” Carter said. “We left to keep you safe, and by warding you in, we hoped we could keep the others out. We did our
best
, Ox. Was it the right thing to do? I don’t know. But I would do it again if it meant keeping you safe. Because I don’t think any of us were surprised to come back and see what you’d become. I think Dad knew before all of us that this is who you would be. You made a
pack
, Ox, out of
humans
. No one could have done that but you. I’m sorry we left. I’m sorry you felt like we’d abandoned you. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you any of this. But you are my
brother
. You are Kelly’s
brother
. We would do
anything
for you.”

“You can’t leave again,” I said, voice rough. “Not again. You can’t. You would do anything for me? Good. Fine. Don’t leave.”

Carter and Kelly exchanged a look before shrugging almost in unison.

“Sure,” Carter said.

“Fine,” Kelly said.

I stared at them. “That’s it?”

They tackled me even before I knew what was happening.

WE LAY
tangled on the ground, Kelly with his head on my stomach, rising with every breath I took. Carter clung to my arm and hand, palm to palm, fingers gripped tight.

The anger was melting away.

I struggled to hold on to it, because I thought it was too easy to let it go.

That there should be more to it than this.

But it was green in its relief.

I hadn’t forgiven them. Gordo. The two wolves curled against me. But I would. Not today. And probably not tomorrow.

But eventually.

Joe, though. I didn’t know about him. Everything was wrapped up in him. It didn’t seem fair that I could find forgiveness in the others, but not in him.

Kelly sighed and buried his face against my chest, rubbing his nose back and forth.

“Okay,” Carter said. “I gotta ask, just because someone has to.”

That didn’t sound good.

“Jessie,” Carter said.

“Oh,” I said. “What about her?”

“You banging her?” Carter asked.

“Banging,” I repeated.

“You smell like her,” Kelly said.

“I smell like your mother too, I’m sure.”

They both scowled at me.

“Holy shit, that’s not what I meant. Jesus, don’t tell her I said that. And no, fuck, I’m not
banging
Jessie. There hasn’t been anything between us in a very long time. She had a date the other night. With a history teacher.”

“So you didn’t bang her while we were gone?”

“Stop saying
banging
!”

“Seriously, Carter,” Kelly said. “That’s gross.” Then, “Are you banging Robbie?”

“Oh my god,” I muttered.

“That’s not a no.”

“
No
.”

“He’s protective of you,” Carter said.

“I’m his Alpha.”

“Seemed a little more than that,” Kelly said.

“I hate you both.”

“Still not a no.”

“It’s not—look. It’s—”

“He has a crush on you!” Carter said, sounding rather gleeful at the prospect.

“It’s not a
crush
—”

“Dude,” Kelly said. “You didn’t build a pack. You built a
harem
.”

“Kelly!” Carter yelped. “Mom is in his harem!”

Kelly paled. “Oh my god. And Mark.”

“Working your way through the whole family, eh, Ox?” Carter said. “You kissed me first and it couldn’t quench your insatiable thirst for Bennett.”

“At least you’re both still idiots,” I muttered.

They laughed at me.

It was a nice sound, even if it hurt to hear after so long.

“Joe’s not a fan,” Carter said easily.

“Of?”

“Jessie being in your pack. But mostly Robbie. That was quite the statement he made when we got back, his hand on you. Like he was keeping you calm.”

“He was.”

“Well shit,” Kelly said. “That’s not going to go over well.”

“What isn’t?” I asked.

“Robbie,” Carter said, as if I was stupid. “He’s your tether.”

“I’m not a wolf.”

“You’re an Alpha,” Carter pointed out. “I don’t know that it matters.”

“You feel just like we do, just without the change,” Kelly said. “It’s close enough. He keeps you grounded.”

“Joe has no right to be pissed about that,” I growled. “He doesn’t get a say.”

Carter and Kelly tensed.

Carter said, “He’s just—”

“No,” I said. “I don’t have to explain anything to him. Not yet. And even if Robbie was my tether, I don’t have to justify myself to him. Or to you. You were
gone
. You cut us
out
. You say it was to keep us safe, and you say you would do the same thing again. That’s
fine
. But don’t expect to come back here and have things be the way you left them. We did what we had to do in order to survive because that’s now how life works. We don’t put ourselves on hold because
you
—”

“No one asked you to,” Carter said, gripping my hand tightly. “And I don’t know that we expected you to. But I know Joe—he hoped, Ox. Even if he never said anything, even if he turned into a broody Alpha asshole, he hoped. I know he did. So cut him some slack since you’ve moved on from—”

I sat up, knocking the two wolves off me. “Moved on?”

Kelly and Carter exchanged another one of their looks. “With Robbie,” Carter said slowly.

“There is
nothing
between me and Robbie. Sure, I mean, he
kissed
me—oh for fuck’s sake, stop
growling
. I told him no, okay? And he
understands
. It’s not like that between us. It won’t ever be. For me.”

“Because of Joe,” Carter said, far too smug.

I said, “
Not
because of Joe,” and they both grinned when they heard the lie.

“You need to fix this,” Carter said.

“You need to go fuck yourself,” I said.

Kelly squinted at me. “Does being an Alpha automatically make you a douchebag? Because between you and Joe—”

I punched him in the shoulder. Hard.

He laughed at me and pushed me back down so he could lie on me again. I didn’t fight it. I didn’t want to fight it.

Carter moved closer so his head was in the crook of my arm.

It didn’t feel like giving up. It felt green. The both of them.

I didn’t know what to do about Joe.

I said, “It’s not just him.”

They waited.

I tried to find the right words. “Robbie. It’s all of them. It’s the pack. They’re my tether.”

Silence.

Then Carter said, “Like it was for Dad.”

“That’s how it always was for him,” Kelly said. “Always pack.”

I touched their arms. Their shoulders. Their necks. Their faces. They leaned into the touch and all I thought was
pack pack pack
.

As the sun began to set, I asked, “Do you really think he knew?”

“Who?”

“Your dad. About me.”

“Yeah, Ox. We think he knew. I think maybe we all did.”

THEY DROPPED
me back off at the shop.

Gordo was the only one still there.

It was strange seeing him sitting behind his desk again.

He said, “It was their idea.”

I snorted and leaned against the doorframe. “Throwing them under the bus?”

He shrugged. “They’ll survive.”

“How’s it feel? Being back.”

He ran his hands over my—his desk. “Like I’ve been gone too long.”

“Sounds about right.”

“Tanner let me back into my house. He had the keys.”

“We cleaned it. Once a month or so. Making sure it was good for when you came back.”

“Did you?”

“Yes.”

“You said when.”

“What?”

“You said
when
I came back. Not
if
.”

“Oh. I guess.”

“Did you think—”

I looked away. “Maybe. I hoped.”

Gordo cleared his throat. “It felt weird. Standing in there. Like I didn’t remember how I’d got there. Like I was dreaming.”

I knew about dreaming. “That’s how I feel anytime I step back into the old house. Like… I’m not awake. Like it’s not real. But it is. It’ll take some time. Before it’s real again for you.”

“Is it real for you?”

“Most of the time,” I said honestly.

We were quiet for a little while.

He said, “Joe patrols at night. For hours.”

“I know.”

He drummed his fingers on the desk. “Of course you would. Because you can feel it now. Like he can. Maybe even better. You knew, didn’t you? The second we stepped back into Green Creek.”

I nodded. “You touched your wards. To see that they were still up.”

“I don’t understand how this is possible.”

“I don’t either.” I didn’t know if we ever would. It seemed odd to be considered a strange thing in among people who could change into wolves on a whim.

“You need to talk to him.”

“Are you saying that as my friend? Or as his witch?”

He stiffened slightly. “Would it matter?”

“I don’t know.”

“What
do
you know?”

“I was yours first.” I smiled. “Though I think Mark would disagree with that.”

He glared at me.

I stared right back.

He looked away first. Then, “Then Joe probably would too.”

And he had me there. “For which one of us?” I countered.

“You going to fix this?” he asked, ignoring my question.

“You’ve been home for less than a week,” I said, “after three years. Things change.”

“We noticed.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning we came back and you had your own pack. With people we didn’t know. It sucked, Ox.”

“I made do with what I had. You left us in pieces. I had to try and put us back together. You don’t get to blame us for anything. Not after what you did. All of you.”

“And you did good, kiddo,” he said. “It’s just going to take a while to get used to it all again. We don’t blame you, Ox. None of us do. You made the choices you had to, and no one can fault you for that.”

I almost believed him.

I TURNED
down his offer for a ride.

I walked home.

Joe was waiting again in the shadows on the dirt road.

I couldn’t do this now. I’d already been through too much today.

I made to walk past him again and—

He reached out and grabbed my arm, stopping me.

His nostrils flared.

“My brothers,” he said. “And Gordo.”

I said nothing.

“You can’t do this,” he growled. “With them. And not with me. Not forever.”

“Not yet,” I spat out.

He let me go.

I didn’t look back as I walked away, though every step was harder than the one before it.

THAT NIGHT
I ran along the edges of the territory, making sure we were safe.

Thomas said,
You’re different, Ox. I don’t think even I know how different. It will be truly a sight to behold. And I, for one, can’t wait to see it.

My mother popped a soap bubble on my ear.

Somewhere on the other side of the territory, a wolf sang a song for all the forest to hear.

It was blue, everything about it was
blue
.

howled for you/always been mine

“HOW WOULD
this work?” I asked Mark and Elizabeth. It was seven days since the others had returned, and one day before the full moon. We walked through the woods, brushing our hands against the trees, leaving our scent on the bark. They’d chosen not to shift, knowing I needed advice.

“What would that be?” Mark asked.

I rolled my eyes. “You know.”

“Maybe, but it helps to hear you say it,” Elizabeth said.

I held back the retort and just said, “Joe.”

“Between the two of you?” Mark asked.

“No. Well, yes, that too. But that’s not what I meant. Between all of us.”

Mark chuckled. “Of course that’s what you’d be thinking of. Everyone else but yourself.”

“It’s my job,” I said.

“That may be,” Elizabeth said, “but there’s a time to be selfish, Ox.”

“I can’t,” I admitted. “Not yet.” I hated those two words more than anything.

“You’re angry still,” she said, touching my arm.

“It’s not something I can just get over.”

“But you have already,” Mark said. “With Gordo. Carter. Kelly. Maybe not completely, but you’ve started.”

“And?” I asked, trying to play dumb. “That has nothing to do with—”

“Why should Joe be any different?”

“Because
he
is different.” It was petty, but I didn’t like feeling cornered. “He’s not the same to me as everyone else.”

And they knew that. But they’d also talked to him since I’d been back. Every day. They went back and forth between the old house and the main house. They spent the day with him while I was at work with the rest of my pack and Gordo. They hugged him, they touched him, they listened to him breathe. They didn’t wake up from nightmares where Joe was gone again, that he hadn’t said anything, he’d just been
gone
like he never was at all—

“You’re not dreaming, Ox,” Elizabeth said quietly, and again I wondered just how connected we all were. Because sometimes I thought they were always in my head. “I know it seems like you are. The edges are fuzzy and you can’t quite make sense of what’s happening, but I promise you, this isn’t a dream.”

“What do you talk about?” I asked, not looking at either of them. “When I’m not there.”

Mark sighed. “Not much. Carter and Kelly do most of the talking. Joe… doesn’t say very much.”

I felt guilty at that, even though I didn’t know if I should have. Apparently, he’d been like that for a long time now. I didn’t know what else had changed. I didn’t know how to ask.

“I have to let this go,” I said. “But I don’t know how. I’ve tried. I have. It’s killing me to know he’s
right there
and I’m not doing anything about it.”