Woman on Fire (22 page)

Using your fluid as a measure of your excitement and arousal is not an accurate gauge. You might be really juicy but not turned on or ready for any kind of penetration—yet women's partners will often take it as such. Or you might feel fairly dry and yet be super-charged-up. Only you know when you are willing and wanting. You've got to communicate that to your partners. And even with a copious amount of natural fluids, most women will need a bottle of lube at the ready to make clitoral stimulation and vaginal penetration comfortable. All lubes are different: some are stickier, some taste better than others, some dry up faster. Explore a variety of lubricants, and when you find a brand you like, buy a large bottle of it. Essential!

Your anus is a part of your sexual organs. It is connected to all of that intricate spongy and erectile tissue, and it is highly innervated.
You have a perineal sponge that can be found between the vagina and the anus that gets plump like the other spongy tissues, and the PC muscle wraps around the anus, so it is all connected. The anal opening is particularly sensitive and often provides a lot of pleasure during oral stimulation (analingus) or manual stimulation. Many people of all genders like anal penetration from a finger or something larger that creates a full feeling, because the anus is supersensitive. Some women like to have both vagina and anus penetrated simultaneously in order to experience the most heightened pleasure.

Many people have issues with playing with the anus because they get anxiety about fecal matter. You can use latex or nonlatex gloves (I like the sexy black ones) or finger condoms if that is a concern. Some people use enemas prior to anal play to clean out the rectum. You always want to wash up and be careful not to get fecal matter under the nails and then introduce it into the vagina or other parts of the anatomy that will react to it. You could get a bacterial yeast infection (itchy!). The other thing to be aware of is that the anus is not as stretchy as the vagina and the sensitive tissue can tear more easily. Two words: use lube.

Exploring the anus can open up whole new levels of vulnerability, pleasure, and orgasmic capacity for people of all genders. I recommend you include your anus in your self-exam and/or self-pleasure sessions.

Your uterus and cervix both play active parts in your sexual arousal and pleasure. Often treated as passive organs that wait to be probed by active egg-seeking sperm, they play an integral role in helping sperm and in “natural selection.”

The uterus is a muscular organ that swells with blood when you are aroused. The cervix is the lower opening into the uterus—the part that comes down into the vagina. When aroused, the uterus and cervix pull up and back to allow more space in the vagina. This
has been called vaginal tenting or ballooning. The vaginal walls are rugae tissue (wrinkly or ridged), which can expand and elongate during arousal to accommodate more. The uterus and cervix assist that elongation. They also change with the menstrual cycle, moving farther back in the body during ovulation and then dropping down low during menstruation.

Many people joke about the stereotype of sex being more connected to love for women and yet the physical body aligns with this idea energetically. The uterus is partially held into place by two major round ligaments, which attach the uterus right into the muscle fascia under the labia. There are also two major arteries and nerves that attach from the top of the uterus right up to the heart. So the heart, uterus, and genitals are all directly connected.

Many women feel the uterus contract and move in the body during orgasm and there is no doubt the uterus plays a role in pleasure. Yet medical authorities often act as if it is a useless organ if a female patient won't be having any (or any more) children and will often routinely recommend a hysterectomy even in cases where other interventions could work. Ask questions of your health care providers. Don't take their word at face value, get more than one opinion, and do your research. Women have had many disempowering experiences with doctors who are not thinking about repercussions on sexual pleasure because medicine has never been very concerned with female sexual functioning and pleasure, except to make money. You will have to make it important—don't rely on your medical providers to do so.

Sex educators often joke about how important the brain is for arousal, and it is indeed a critical part of sexual excitement, pleasure, and orgasm. The brain is directly connected to the genitals through the autonomic nervous system and two major nerve networks: the pudendal nerve and the pelvic nerve.

You have a unique, wildly intricate network of nerves that attach
to the brain and spine and connect to the genitals and reproductive organs. Each person has her own unique combination of nerves, and there are nerve bundles in the clitoris, vagina, cervix, perineum, and anus. Some people might have more active nerve networks in some parts than in others, which is why our preferred erotic sensations vary so much. One woman might love action on her cervix, while another barely feels her cervix. Some women will orgasm from vaginal penetration, while others won't. Some will really respond to anal or clitoral stimulation and others will respond less. The depth of the nerves also plays a role. For some women, the nerves are deeper in the body tissue, and for others, the nerves are closer to the surface and easier to access. Different parts of the brain are activated when different structures are stimulated, which means pleasure sensations and orgasm can vary widely.

There is a feedback loop between the vagina and the brain. The autonomic system activates respiration, lubrication, and heart rate, which can cause engorgement, muscular contraction, and orgasm. Many chemicals are firing in the brain and are involved in this whole feedback loop. When your conscious mind quiets, you can experience more of the juicy expression that this system produces, including heightened pleasure.

As Sandy saw that she could enjoy sex, could orgasm more easily, and that she was not the “hopeless” case she had feared, I worked with her to take it slow and to experiment and discover what she actually wanted and to ask for it.

Things started to change over twenty-five years in, when I finally learned that sexuality is whatever I want it to be. I say, never give
up on sex. I got answers to my multiple pelvic problems. The other mystery uncovered was that I still rushed my experiences! Amy Jo reminded me of one of the most important sexual basics: be
very
aroused before penetration. Doctors and books would say the same, but she led me to discover for myself what “ready arousal” actually felt like. The original pain caused anticipation of pain—bracing myself for penetration—and I was a mess of shame as a “sexually dysfunctional” woman because I only understood arousal from movies where the female antagonist rips off her clothes and mounts or gets mounted in the next breath.

My current lover and I explore and take our time. I may or may not desire penetration, and I've learned my body, so I know when I'm actually ready. A part of my partner's excitement is never knowing what's on our menu. I think a lot of heterosexual women have avoidance patterns like I had because they don't always want to go to intercourse and can't fully articulate to themselves and their partners that they have other desires.

Expressing my voice through sex opened a world to the wholeness I was seeking. One thing I learned is to touch my lover for
my
pleasure. That was a big game changer. I had the basic sexual skills in knowing anatomically the best spots and moves for men. But I was an automaton, concerned with getting him off, cutting off
myself
from the experience. Now I explore a body for my own enjoyment. If he wants to make requests (since I now know I'm not ever doing something “incorrectly”), he can, and I'll give it a go. Every single body is different, and it's now fun for me, rather than pressure-filled, to discover who likes what and how. Concerning ourselves with the other's pleasure rather than discovering it for ourselves is the buzz-kill. By having fun exploring another's body, I finally understood how amazing my aroused body is to a lover. My confidence soared after this discovery. Whereas before, I often felt used and broken because I didn't connect to the arousal that was happening between us
since I was only concerned with getting another off and staving off my pain. I still experience pain after orgasm in my menstrual cycle (and know when to avoid orgasm), but look at all of what my body
can
experience!

Once I really took charge of choosing what I wanted, I now could “go further” than I had imagined. I finally feel safe
and
excited now that my sexual model has penetration as a side dish rather than the main course. If I have a partner who can't expand his view of sex beyond penetration or orgasm through penetration as the sole goal, he likely won't be my partner for long. I still have to remind myself not to push for anything, like orgasm, because then I get caught in my head and short-circuit and nothing happens. I like to concentrate on pleasure in my body and connecting to another, and if “more” happens, great. But no goals.

I was healed of much of my physical pain, but my true empowerment came when I took the reins and voiced first to myself, and then aloud, what I wanted to experience. It was a powerful barrier that hid me from my true self, but once broken was freeing for all other aspects of myself.

An alarming number of women still do not know how to have orgasms. As my mentor Betty Dodson likes to say, it's not that they are “inorgasmic,” it's that they are “pre-orgasmic”—they just haven't learned how
yet
. Our bodies are widely different, have a huge range of potential, and there are numerous reasons why someone might have a hard time climaxing. One of the biggest is the lack of comprehensive information that is still so pervasive about female sexuality and pleasure.

For a woman who has never had an orgasm, to finally bust through the barriers and experience that level of pleasure can change
her entire outlook about sex and her sexuality. It is not a small thing. When women experience pleasure and bliss on a regular basis and gain the confidence that comes from knowing their own bodies and how to have orgasms, they become empowered in every other part of their life. The world looks a little brighter and more possibility opens up. They become more at home in their bodies, or “embodied,” and that body presence is part of how they walk, talk, and interact with the world. No longer feeling like there is some secret being kept from them, women tend to feel a sense of internal agency and power that shines with self sexual knowledge. Few talk about that because we tend not to talk about such things, but that doesn't diminish how profound it is. Women of all sizes and shapes who walk with confidence are sexy. Your body type doesn't matter when you exude confidence and pleasure in your temple.

If you are ready to experience more pleasure, you have to learn how your body works and what makes you come to orgasm. Many women wait, thinking their partners will figure it out or be able to “give” them an orgasm. Let there be no more waiting. It's about you figuring out what the orgasm is about for you, what needs to happen, how you like to be touched, and how much time you take. It takes as long as it takes, and the way you like it and the way you are wired for it will be as individual as you are. You've got to crack the code and then translate it to your lovers. That's where the communication skills are going to come into full effect so you can really get what you want.

For lots of tips on how to explore your body, I suggest you read my first book,
Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men
, coauthored by Kurt Brungardt (originally written under my nickname “Jamie”). We just published the second edition.

Your discovery of your body is an ongoing expedition. Enjoy this journey. As you learn more and more about what is pleasurable, what your parts look like, feel like, taste like, and do, you become expertly acquainted with your own capacity for pleasure and the magic of your body. Feeling adept gives you confidence, and confidence helps you enjoy your body and sex more. As you age and your body changes, you want to build your relationship with your body and continue to be curious about it like you would a lover. Discovery can be endless, and it enriches your enjoyment of life.