Woman on Fire (20 page)

I believe one of the most healing actions a woman can do to love her body more is to be exposed to the true diversity of beautiful female bodies in the world. I highly recommend you give yourself the experience of being in women's spaces at some point in your life. It can be as simple as the gym or you could go to a women's festival or event. Seeing other naked bodies and the whole array of body types that exist in reality instead of the
one
body ideal we are taught to believe is real is so healing. It is so rare that we get this opportunity to see beyond the unattainable stereotype and into what really exists in the world. There is so much gorgeous diversity, and when you actually see it and take it in, you bring different body images and expectations into your psyche. You are reminded that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I'm not going to spend more time breaking down the problematic nature of the cultural push to be young, thin, waifish, light-skinned, and all of the unrealistic beauty standards. You know this intellectually. I want to focus on the empowered action you will take to create a relationship to your own body that supports your feeling good in it and making choices that are right for you. That begins with understanding your sexual body.

SELF-EXAM: TAKE A LOOK!

Women can't just see their genitals by looking down the way men can. If you have never looked closely at your own genitals or have never seen your cervix, it's a must. Get acquainted with your own body and build your understanding of it.

YOU WILL NEED:
A stand-up mirror, a good desk lamp or powerful flashlight, and (optional) a speculum and some lubricant.

INSTRUCTIONS:
Lean back on propped-up pillows with knees out and place the mirror where you can see your genitals. Shine the light and explore your parts. Appreciate the shapes and textures. Taste your juices. If you have a speculum and want to look inside, you'll need to lubricate the speculum bills and insert it with the handle up in order to open it. It can sometimes be challenging to find your cervix with a speculum if you've never done it before. Attending a workshop where you can do this or working with a coach who can guide you can be a powerful experience. This is one of my favorite things to teach.

RESOURCE:
If you feel ready to try this, you'll find a link in the
Woman on Fire
portal for full instructions on how to do a gynecological speculum self-exam.

BONUS:
Offer verbal affirmation to your sexual body parts. Thank them for all they do for you, or make a new commitment to honor or explore them.

“Do you want to see your own cervix?” asked the midwife. I was on the table with my feet in mitten-covered stirrups. “Really? I can see it? Yes, I want to see!”

The nurse-midwife handed me a small mirror and shined the light into my vagina. I reached between my splayed knees with the mirror in my hand and there in the reflection was my glorious, previously unfamiliar cervix. It was right there, and I could see it clearly with my own eyes. No longer a myth I believed because I was told it was there, I had proof. I was seeing it myself. It would no longer be a mysterious yet important part of my body. I would get to know it and understand it intimately for the first time. No more trips to the GYN because I “lost” a condom in my vagina. I would know my vagina inside and out.

I remember how happy I was leaving that GYN appointment, displaying the pride of a twenty-five-year-old woman who knew the inner workings of her own body, of a woman no longer in the dark—and a cervix reserved not for the viewing of doctors and other “authorities of the body,” but one whose owner had reclaimed her sovereign agency over her body. It was a huge moment in my own sexual empowerment, where the mysteries of my vagina lost their power over me, and I relocated that power inside with my newfound knowledge. That midwife did me the biggest service by offering me that mirror, so I could feel empowered as the wise owner of the body that was being examined.

However you learn about your body, it's some of the most critical and awe-inspiring information you will ever take in. Your sexual parts are an amazing nexus of shapes, structures, fluids, nerves, neural pathways, chemicals, hormones, muscles, and organs. To discuss it all is beyond the scope of this book, but I want to share some of the most important aspects of your sexual body, and I encourage
you to forge your own expedition to really know and fully appreciate your sexual body and its capabilities.

In her early forties, Sandy came to me in a lot of pain around her sexuality. She had struggled with her history of childhood sexual abuse her whole life. She experienced pain with penetrative sex and, on top of that, had recurring health issues that made it hard to have a fulfilling sex life and maintain a long-term relationship. She could orgasm without penetration but regularly experienced pain after orgasm through half of each month. She avoided sex because of the physical and emotional pain it brought her. She really wanted to heal and break through around sex and her body, and she feared that she was sexually broken and somehow unfixable. She very much wanted to have a lover with whom she could feel pleasure, insisting that it would help her feel “normal.”

I had no sexual voice. Because incest was my introduction to sex, I never learned where I ended and another began. Intercourse was painful. I had seen over twenty gynecologists and they couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was never taught that I had my own personal map of pleasure to explore that had nothing to do with pleasing another. Porn has done such an incredible disservice to women. I can't be banged like what I see in porn. And I had no other ideas of what sex was like, because women's erotica made sex—with waves and waves of orgasm, taking someone deeper and deeper into a woman's body—pretty puzzling too.

I thought that somehow I would find someone who loved me enough that I would just change, even as I worked so hard
to
change to feel “normal.” I wasn't “desperate for a man.” I was desperate for guideposts of normalcy: that I could be loved and “keep” a
loving relationship like those all around me seemed to have. I treated any potential boyfriend as the last possible chance for a relationship; the Last Man on Earth. This put enormous pressure on me to perform, in and out of the bedroom. In fact, I was usually much happier alone. It was a break from trying to get “it” right.

Here I was, an accomplished woman, with years of therapy under my belt, never having been shown or told that my shame was pervasive and that no one could change that but myself. It felt like Amy Jo kept downplaying my trauma history. It took a while for me to see that to really be the full sexual being I wanted to be, I couldn't hold on to my protective label of incest survivor. Amy Jo deftly led me to what was on the other side of shame, to see and
feel
myself beyond the painful sexual experiences that had handicapped me. That, no matter the story, it's still just a story, one that I can write as I moved forward. Without additional sexual referencing or ever trying anything new, there would have been no new story to write without Amy Jo's tutelage. I could continue to hide under my label of childhood sexual abuse survivor and protect myself in fear or face the fears of intimacy that all others have to face too.

One of the biggest fears I carried was to be a terrible lover because I so often experienced pain through penetration. Even once I got my pelvic problems in order and understood what aroused me, I was still entrenched in a need to please a lover.

I will never forget the day I got an ecstatic e-mail from Sandy telling me she'd had a coital orgasm. She felt like she was in on the secret that had been kept from her her whole life. She hadn't thought it would ever happen for her, and when it did, her agency over her body shifted and her belief that she could heal and that she could actually enjoy sex grew. She learned how to have sex that wasn't painful, and she slowly continued to explore with her new lover what worked and what didn't work for her body.

There has been a long debate about the importance of the vagina vs. the clitoris in women's pleasure and which organ is the center of our pleasureverse. Let's assume they both win and treat them both as important. Most women derive pleasure from both in varying degrees and cocktails of effects. Your vagina is the actual canal, the orifice, the opening into your body at the core of your labia. Your clitoris is a series of erectile structures that sit above and to the sides of the vagina, framing the vulva, if you will. Most people know it as that little button that can peer out from beneath its hood that when touched just right makes women go wild. The clitoris is far more complex than this reductive myth and so is the pleasure-inducing activity that will make you feel so good.

Most of us get limited education about our sexual anatomy in school. I sure did. I'm now an anatomy geek, so let's discuss the many pleasure-providing structures that are a part of your sexual organs.

Your vulva refers to the collection of structures that make up your external genitalia. You have inner labia, which are hairless, and outer labia where hair grows. Often called labia minora and majora (minor and major lips), this is a misnomer because many women's “minor” labia are more major than their “major” labia. Any part of the body without hair is a more sensitive part, so the inner labia can be particularly sensitive. Some women are insecure about having large inner labia, yet this is an important sexual structure. Imagine men feeling self-conscious because of an extra-large penis. That would seem crazy. This gender double standard is mind-numbing. If you have larger inner labia, they are part of your version of “normal” and they are highly sensitive, so enjoy them!

Your labia enclose like petals or wings around the opening to the urethra (where you urinate from) and the opening of your vagina. They can be many shades of pink, red, purple, or brown, and their shapes and thickness vary greatly. Some are paper-thin and some are quite plump. Asymmetry in the labia is common. At the top of the labia is the clitoral glans and shaft and its other structures are inside and unseen.