Woman on Fire (34 page)

Your sex life, sex skills, and relationship skills will not magically get better or materialize out of nothing. They will develop out of your consciousness and commitment to grow them. Have fun with this! We are talking about learning to do things that are pleasing.

A couple years ago, in my New Year's intentions I decided I wanted to have ten sexual firsts, and I surpassed my goal. Last year I made that commitment again. This year I've upped the ante and chosen to have fifteen. On New Year's Day alone I had two, so I started out well on my way. It's fun to figure out what's next, and it's fun to be surprised. I've been teaching sexuality for more than twenty years, I
know more about sex than 99 percent of the general population, and there is
always
room for me to grow, just like you. That's the great thing about sex . . . learning and growing is endless, and like other areas of life, consistent growth is what keeps it interesting and passion-filled to the end. It doesn't hurt that I am poly and kinky, which does open up a lot of possibilities, but everyone can learn new things. I've put a list of potential sexual firsts in the
Woman on Fire
online portal if you need some help jump-starting ideas.

If you want to evolve as a sexual person, it is imperative that you examine your skills and where you need to develop, and then set out to do it. It won't happen by itself—it's up to you. Once you've identified what you need, you need to commit to seeking it out and learning it. You are guaranteed to grow if you make this commitment. If you don't, you'll probably remain right where you are, knowing you are stunting your own growth by not making it a priority. That is most definitely
not
sexually empowering. Skills are malleable. This is really good news for all of us. You can build on what you know now, learn new things, and become the best possible lover you can be, to yourself as much as anybody else.

Please take time to design your own statement of commitment so as to solidify how you will build your own skills. You can find it in the online portal. And then play: unabashed, full-on, dreamlike, fantasy-in-hand, clits-out
play
. Play and find your interests. Play and awaken your desire. Play, revel, and enjoy. Play and open up. Play and find the skill sets you want to pursue, and you'll be on your way to being the sexual ninja or sexual wise woman you are capable of being—becoming sexually
intelligent.

Element 8:
HOME

BUILD SEXUAL CONFIDENCE AND COME HOME TO YOU

And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?

—R
UMI

The element of home is not about a place; it's about a state of being. Home is what happens when you stop leaving yourself and giving away your power. It's the freedom that emerges when you are comfortable in your own skin and you stop needing to control everything or be liked by everyone.

Being comfortable in yourself means you get to be free: more authentic, more joyful. When you come from this place of being at home in yourself without all of the mitigation and self-patrolling you used to do, without constantly filtering your thoughts,
reactions, and feelings so other people will like you, that's when you become the real you. When you show up as the real you in relationships, not only do the relationships become more honest, but you stop getting so much of what you don't want and start getting what you
do
want. That means you're happier. If you are happier, your relationships are happier, and that's what makes life better every day.

If you've been living in a “broken” home or seeing brokenness as home, that ends here. You are not broken, and you are every bit as capable of creating this sense of home within yourself as anyone else. You can create a whole and rich home no matter your background, your struggles, your oppression, your trauma, your past beliefs, or your doubts. You are doing your work, and in that work you are creating the home you really want, where it feels safe, nurturing, comfortable, confident, at ease. We all need a homecoming.

We learn to abandon ourselves for so many reasons. We don't think we are likable, lovable, beautiful enough, worthy enough. We tell ourselves stories of how much we don't deserve and then feel bad every time we actually get something we want. Our wanting doesn't stop, but we get in the way of our actual enjoyment of all we have. If you are in a place of self-loathing, beating up on your body, your psyche, or your tender heart, you are abandoning the person who needs your love most. If you don't like you, you will leave you and go to other people to try to get validation that you are not as unlovable as you thought. That is the leaving.

As a child who experienced the abandonment of a parent, I have studied abandonment in my life and have abandoned myself. I became accustomed to leaving myself without even knowing it. Many of us go through an abandonment as a child, whether one or both parents actually left, or were so drunk, high, sick, unpresent,
neglectful, or abusive that we felt alone and abandoned even in their presence.

Patsy's story (in Element 2, Release) is a good example of someone who learned to leave herself. She had to take care of her mother, even though she was abused by her father and very much needed her mother to be present for her. She took on the burden of caring for her mother and never got to be cared for in the way she needed. She was so accustomed to caring for others and being overdetermined by their needs, thoughts, and wishes, that she completely lost the inner knowing of what she needed until she decided to do the work to come home. She was truly a changed person when she did.

It took a lot of time to realize that I spent much of my time living in other people's lives. I was consumed by what other people thought of me, or might think of me, to the point where I didn't ever feel truly alone. Even by myself, I was listening to my projections about other people's thoughts. It took a lot of work to notice the extent to which I heard these voices, to realize they were me projecting my own fears onto others, and begin to believe that my voice was most important.

To change my emotional patterns around sex and everything else, I had to admit how much of my power I gave away. It was so easy to feel like a victim—it was much easier to blame others for not meeting my needs than it was to acknowledge that I was actually preventing myself and others from meeting them.

Stepping into my own power has been uncomfortable. My fear has fought me every step of the way, crying out that I am asking too much, that I will be hated, abandoned, alone. Yet every step has proven this false. That fear still exists in me, and I still have more power to reclaim, but the work I've done so far has drastically
improved my quality of life. I can easily give voice to things that would have eaten me alive in silence a few years ago, all because I have faith that my needs are worth meeting.

For me, coming home to myself has been a challenging process. It's taken courage to really look at myself, to truly face the things about me that make living inside my own head uncomfortable. Cleaning out the dirt and cobwebs that accumulated while I was busy neglecting myself will take time, and it can be hard to just be in my own dirty, imperfect self. And it has been so rewarding. I feel so much more grounded and centered than I ever have. Even my worst days are so much better than before, because I am so much more solid in my own self. Coming home to myself has meant I am more authentic, more genuine, in every single thing I do.

Patsy's determination to change these patterns and be more powerful is inspiring. She saw that something wasn't working, and she set out to change it. She knew that her sexual abuse was a part of it, but she didn't see the whole picture until we began to uncover all the patterns she had learned in order to survive.

I myself had to go through a divorce to come home to myself. I hope you can do it without a dramatic event that battle calls you home. But it might take something big if you don't start to realize that when you leave home, you can't really be present to the relationships and the deep intimacy and sex you want because something really big is missing:
you.
In a homecoming, you will start to show up fully and in love with yourself, which will attract others who are at home in themselves, which is where the magic of true intimacy happens.

There are so many ways we leave home. How do you know when you're not at home? You become overly concerned with others, steeped in judgment and criticism—which takes you outside of
yourself. You don't say no when you really mean no. Or you say no and can't stop feeling guilty for it. You spend too much energy taking care of someone else. You fail to take care of your own needs while you people-please everyone else. You stuff away your true feelings and pretend they aren't there. All of these things disconnect you from your core self.

You merge with someone else who doesn't allow you to be self-reliant. I often speak to women who routinely have “duty sex,” or “receptacle sex,” with their partners: this is when they don't want to have sex but have it because they feel it's their obligation to do so as wife, partner, or girlfriend. This deep self-betrayal hurts them, and it hurts their partner because anyone who really cares about you won't want you to have sex if you don't really want to. I've met many women who don't like sex (or don't think they do) because they have only ever had experiences that were controlled by others and never felt their own agency around sex. Bring your sexual agency home. Have the kind of sex you want, when you want it. That means exploring with a new slate and discovering what really turns you on apart from what a partner or other people want from you.

Sometimes facing what is inside you feels too hard—the pain, confusion, trauma, or emotions are too much to handle, and you run away from yourself so you don't have to deal with those feelings or memories. But they will be there when you sober up, when you are alone with yourself and walk through the door of your own internal house. Eventually you will have to face the parts of yourself you've been running from. And it will free you. If you know you've been leaving, it's time to call yourself back and find your way. This is your hero's journey. The call is made, and the warrior or priestess must answer the call. The journey home to yourself is the way. You are standing there with wet clothes, uncomfortable, wanting the beauty you know is possible on the other side of the mountain, and the only way out is through—you've got to walk that mucky path out of the soppy swamp, over the hill to the new vista.

Women are literally conditioned to leave home—to give up our power to men, to take care of anyone else but ourselves, to chase attention and validation, to work hard at being “nice” and likable, to put everything and everyone else first. You have to be first in order to really be there for anyone else. Often I ask women, “Will you choose yourself or your partner/husband/relationship?” Sometimes that is the choice. I sit silently, waiting for their answer, hoping they will choose themselves, and I hear how hard it is for many to take the risk to be first in line. They will choose to stay in an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship with someone who is not willing to grow rather than leave and be free to become who they are really meant to be. You've heard the cliché airplane mask analogy. It's popular because it's true. How can you be unwilling to put on your own oxygen mask before tending to others?

Women give away their power in myriad ways. When I say “You are giving away your power,” people don't always know what I mean. Let's get really clear about what that looks like in different parts of your life in the words of women.

When I've asked women at my workshops how they give their power away, some of the things they say are:

EMOTIONALLY

• I don't get angry because women should not get angry.
  
• I don't let others see how I feel; no one sees me cry.
  
• I'm afraid of being judged.
  
• I take things personally.
  
• I'm afraid of what will happen if I set clear boundaries.
  
• I avoid confrontation, so I forgive negative behavior too quickly.
  
• I'm not in touch with my emotions until it's too late.
  
• I feel guilty and selfish when I assert myself.
  
• I keep others happy at my expense.
  

PHYSICALLY

• I push myself too hard; I don't rest enough or eat well.
  
• I stuff my emotions by overeating when I'm upset.
  
• I stop eating and deny myself pleasure to punish myself.
  
• I go to bed too late or get up too early to avoid my partner.
  
• I'm embarrassed by how I am aging.
  
• I feel powerless when I light a cigarette.
  
• I hate the way I look.
  
• I won't let anyone see me naked, so I can't have a true relationship.
  

SEXUALLY

• I have sex when I don't want to in order to please my partner.
  
• I hold back during sex because I doubt that I'm desirable.
  
• I can't reveal myself during sex; I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
  
• I don't tell my partner what I do and do not want.
  
• I dissociate during sex; I'm so checked out I let my partner do what he or she wants.
  
• I use sex as a tool to get what I want.
  
• I'm scared because I want to explore and my partner does not.
  
• I worry that I'm too difficult to please and take too much time to climax.
  
• I'm afraid of being judged as dirty.
  

INTELLECTUALLY

• I play dumb.
  
• I defer to others and lessen the impact of my own intelligence.
  
• I play forgetful to get what I want.
  
• I always second-guess myself.
  
• I do not risk speaking what I think.
  
• I don't feel qualified to have an “expert opinion” because I don't have enough education.
  
• I tell myself I don't have anything important to say.
  

There are ways we give away our power financially and even spiritually as well. Personal power has to include the whole package.

HOW DO YOU GIVE AWAY YOUR POWER?

There are so many ways women give away their power. You might relate to many of them. Take a moment to check off the ones you do, and then make a list of the additional ways you give away your own personal power. Think about the things that take you out of your center, your own deep knowing, your own confidence, making powerful decisions and directing your own life. Think about the ways you avoid taking responsibility for all parts of yourself and your life. If you are not in a place of full responsibility, there is a victim at work who thinks that responsibility is someone else's, and that means you've left your center, you've left home.