Woman on Fire (33 page)

Play. I was looking for a playground. I was looking to feel sexual again, and these lovely people gave me that. Created it with me. And now I have an energy for it that seems self-perpetuating. I have a community that celebrates that. I take regular joy in giving to others through my instigating based on my own desires, my lovers' fantasies, and oftentimes just because I can, just for the play of it. It propels me, energizes me, enlivens me, leads me to all sorts of discoveries. And it is just good fun.

Sam not only created a lot of fun and play in her life; she developed her sexual skills, expanded her identity, and learned about a whole array of new things she liked as she deepened her relationship to her own sexuality and brought the play and fun back. Whether you are into BDSM and group sex or something different, take inspiration from the intentional approach Sam took in making her sexual life “a priority.”

How you do anything is how you do everything.

—Z
EN
KOAN

I think growth and people who actively seek it and value it are really sexy. A desire to be better, do better, develop yourself more. This includes the realm of skill and living your sexual life in an intentional way.

If you are someone who typically does just enough to get by, learns just enough to pass, and does not seek to excel in many areas of your life, you probably will be lazy about your sexual skill as well, and you'll learn enough to pass, have okay sex, and maybe satisfy your partners on a basic level, but you won't experience anything particularly extraordinary. There is a cliché that really attractive people, though desired by many, are actually the worst lovers because they don't have to be good at sex to get sex. They just rely on looking good. We all have to put in effort to get a return.

Deep down, you know you haven't put your heart into it. You know you could dedicate yourself to a more committed and powerful sexual practice. A lot of women get upset at their lovers for not providing more for them sexually. They want a deeper sexual life, but they are not doing it for themselves. You have to take action, as Sam did. Your life will not transform if you do not. You must lead. You are taking the reins as you begin to identify the skills you need in order to have a more empowered sexual and relationship life.

SKILL
= COMPETENT EXCELLENCE IN PERFORMANCE; EXPERTNESS; DEXTERITY

The equation looks something like this:

EDUCATION + PRACTICE = SKILL
SATISFACTION & PLEASURE

It's satisfying and pleasurable to do something well. The same is true for sex, and competence is a fantastic confidence builder.

There are many skills required to have healthy intimate
relationships and powerful sexual experiences and to live a fulfilling and emotionally deep life. Here are some examples of skills you might pursue to enhance and improve your sexual life, play, and relationships and other areas of your life:

EMOTIONAL SKILLS

Shifting negativity, unhealthy thought patterns, and unproductive storytelling

Coping skills

Expressing emotions in a healthy, effective way

Managing difficult emotions like anger, loneliness, and depression

Overcoming fear, doubt, and worry

Managing defensive patterns

Using emotional release techniques

Expressing love and compassion

Practicing self-care

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Active listening

Speaking with power and without blame or shame

Asking for what you want

Setting limits and boundaries

Speaking with compassion

Giving constructive feedback

Negotiating effectively

Disagreeing with grace

Broaching difficult topics like improving your sex life or the possibility of ending the relationship

SEXUAL TECHNIQUES

Body knowledge and awareness: sexual anatomy and functioning and how it impacts pleasure

Manual stimulation: female and male genitals

Oral skills: kissing, necking, fellatio, cunnilingus, analingus

Intercourse: helpful positions, ways of dealing with various anatomy for maximum pleasure, working with injuries, health issues, or disability

Anal sex: safety and pleasure, anal anatomy, technique

Stimulation: breasts, testicles, other body parts

Role-play: how to design and execute a role-play

Particular fetishes: foot or toe sucking, rope bondage, spanking, and so on

BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Discipline, Submission, Sadism, Masochism) skills: There is a huge array of activities that fall under the umbrella of BDSM. This could include learning how to play with sensation and body impact (spanking, flogging, caning, wrestling, electricity, cold/hot, needles) and/or how to play with power and control (dominating/submitting, master/slave play, age play, humiliation, service-oriented play).

ORGASMIC/PLEASURE SKILLS

Erotic touch

Flirtation and seduction

Techniques for deepening pleasure and prolonging and expanding orgasm

Use of sound and movement

Conscious breathwork

Muscle strengthening and control

I have spoken with several women who own woman-centric sex toy shops committed to providing sexual skills–building education. I hear the same thing over and over: they feel frustrated that their
most consistently well-attended classes are the ones they offer on “How to Give a Great Blow Job.”

Now, I'm not saying blow jobs aren't a skill worthy of learning. You'll be able to make many partners happy with this skill. That's great for them and good for your confidence.

But my question, and the thing that frustrates these feminist shop owners, is: Why aren't women flocking to the classes they offer about women's bodies and pleasure or some of the classes people (like myself) come to teach about sexual empowerment and healthy sexual power? Too many
Glamour
articles focused on how to be a blow job expert? Why aren't women interested in building their sexual esteem in other ways? Why is the focus on a sex act that is historically at the epicenter of sexual inequality and female submission in the bedroom? Many women have experienced deep-seated messages of subordination by serving men with blow jobs. Many women have experiences of feeling obligated to perform oral sex on their male partners and feel perpetually frustrated that it's not reciprocated.

This is not to say that some women don't just love to suck cock. Some truly do—it gives them immense pleasure. Expand your ideas of what you can learn. Sexual proficiency and skill go way beyond being able to give a good blow job.

In order to figure out the skills you need to learn, begin by assessing what's not working.

• Do you have a lot of poor, confusing, or difficult communication?
  
• Do you struggle to ask for what you want and end up disappointed?
  
• Do you ask for things sexually that your lover fails to deliver, which means you have to show them?
  
• Are you unable to orgasm?
  
• Do you feel a lack of pleasure in your sex life—or life in general?
  
• Do you feel like you always have the same old sex and need to expand your repertoire?
  
• Have your breakups gone badly in the past?
  
• Is there turmoil with your former lovers?
  
• Do you constantly feel sexually unfulfilled?
  
• Do you fantasize about experiences you don't believe you will ever have?
  
• Do you question what your fantasies are?
  
• Do you want to explore something new? (Role-play, threesomes, open relationships, BDSM . . .)
  

3 QUESTIONS FOR IDENTIFYING AND DEVELOPING SEXUAL SKILLS

1. What isn't working?
   
2. What skills would help it work better?
   
3. Where could I learn these skills?
   

YOUR ASSIGNMENT: WHAT SEXUAL MUSCLES DO YOU WANT TO WORK ON?

Make a list of the top five or ten sexual skills you'd like to learn or improve on. Then research where and how you could learn those things.

• What books can I read?
  
• What classes can I take?
  
• What teachers, healers, coaches, or other practitioners specialize in these skills?
  
• What teleclasses, webinars, or other events could help?
  
• What community resources might be useful?
  
• What lover might explore them with me?
  
• How can I practice these skills and with whom?