Worth It All (The McKinney Brothers #3) (18 page)

“And what about Gracie?” He pictured the little girl with curly hair and big eyes.

“Anything and everything at a fast pace.”

JT smiled, thinking that sounded like Casey.

“I’ve painted pottery, beaded bracelets, even took her to get her ears pierced. That about killed me. Right now, it’s mostly horses for her. Charlie always wanted to go to work with me, so that’s what we did. Hammering, destroying drywall. He’s twelve now, and actually a pretty good sidekick.”

“And you’ve still got Mary and the twins. Damn. Now I know why you started carving out time.”

“Yeah. But it’s all good. Most of the time it’s all of us, one great, big, chaotic jumble.”

He glanced at his brother. “And you wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Nope.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask, but do you think you’ll have more?”

“Hell, no. Not after I watched Abby labor with the twins.” Matt stared beyond the trees. “That was the hardest day of my life.”

“I don’t think I ever apologized for that day, when you first told us about Abby.”

“No need. You were a little shit, but…” Matt laughed and grabbed him around the neck, then let go. “It’s all good.”

They walked the rest of the way in silence. JT went into the cabin and grabbed the things as Paige had directed. Casey’s pajamas and toothbrush and Bob.

Matt looked up when he came outside, and they started back up the hill. It’d been good to be with the family tonight. Really good. He seemed to fit in better on this visit than he ever had before. Paige and Casey had a lot to do with that. For the first time he felt more on an even plane with his older brothers.

“So what’s going on with you and Paige?”

JT stared at the dark in front of him, then the blanket of pine needles passing beneath his feet. “I don’t know.” He knew what he wanted to be going on. “I haven’t known her that long.”

“Doesn’t always take that long.”

“I guess not.” He glanced at the pink pajamas with the white puppies in his hand.

“You want to talk about it? I have some experience in women with children. You’re right to go slow if you’re not sure.”

He probably did need to talk, but he didn’t know what to ask. Matt had been so sure when he’d told the family about Abby that day. A woman he’d met at the beach and fallen in love with in a week.

But hadn’t he fallen in love with Paige in a day? A minute? And that wasn’t the problem. He was sure about them. He wasn’t sure about himself. “How did you know?”

“I loved them. I loved them more than anything, more than myself, and I knew I’d do anything to make them happy.”

JT nodded, the harder question beating at his mind. How did he know he’d be a good father? A good husband?

“You can’t make it happen,” Matt said as they reached Stephen’s house and climbed the steps. “Or,” he added with a knowing look over his shoulder. “Make it
not
happen.”

Thirty minutes later he was walking through the woods with Paige’s hand tucked tightly in his. “Second thoughts?”

“No.”

“You sure?” He peeked over at her, thinking maybe she answered too quickly. “If she needs anything, Hannah will call us and we’ll be up the hill in two minutes or Stephen will walk her down.”

“I’m fine. It’s good. I’m glad she stayed.”

He pulled her to a stop and searched her eyes to see if she was really okay. Deciding she was, he slid his hands down and around her lower back. “I’m glad she stayed too.”

“Oh, is that why you were all for the sleepover?” she teased.

“No.” He kissed along her jaw. “I was going to do this anyway, it’s just going to be faster now.” He tipped her face up to his for a kiss, loving the way she kissed him back and knowing it had to be quick and light or they wouldn’t make it to the cabin.

“Was it weird having me here?”

“No. Absolutely not.” He hugged her against him. “If anything, it made it better.”

“So you’re glad you came?”

“Absolutely. A very good decision,” he added against her lips. “And about to get even better.” He took her hand and started walking again, eager to get to the cabin and kiss more than her lips.

“I love it here. It’s magical, something right out of a storybook.”

He agreed, but thought mostly the magic was her.

“I was always jealous of the kids at school and their vacations to the beach or the mountains.”

“I can’t see you being jealous.”

“I was. Not for the places, just the trips, the time. Riding in a car, asking, ‘Are we there yet?’ ”

“You never did that?”

“No. The only time I packed my stuff was when the landlord pounded on the door, threatening to throw us out. I’m not sure he ever would have, but I went through a phase of keeping my stuff in a trash bag beside my bed. Like…”

“Like what?”

“Like he might come any minute and throw us out into the night.” She shook her head at herself like she’d been silly. “I survived.”

“You did more than survive.” He brought her fingers to his lips. “And you know, you always shrug when you try to brush things off. Like you don’t want me to know it bothers you.”

She shrugged, and they shared a small laugh, but even in the quiet, he could feel she had more to say. They went a little further before she finally spoke.

“I don’t ever want Casey to feel like that, like the rug is about to be pulled out from under her. I never want Casey to know that fear of having no home, or to have to take her mom’s boyfriend’s half-eaten sandwich out of the garbage and put it in her lunchbox.”

Fuck. “Paige, I would never let that happen.”

“But, I can’t let that happen.” She pulled him to a stop. “I have to make sure it doesn’t, and I’m so afraid if I step off the line, I might go too far and never find it again.”

“And am I off the line?” That was his fear. That she would think of him as too big of a risk. That she’d walk away from what they could have.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I can do here, with us. I don’t know what I can be and I don’t want to hurt you. I think—”

“Don’t.” He put his finger over her lips and curled his other hand around her neck, knowing she needed control like others needed air. “Don’t think. Just be with me. That’s all you need to do. You don’t have to know anything or decide anything. One day at a time. Nothing else will change. You’re not stepping off the line.

“No decisions. Nothing will change. You’ll work, you’ll go to school. You’ll stick to your plan. But don’t run away from what we have because you’re afraid. Or because of someone else’s mistakes.”

Her eyes searched his and he waited for what seemed like forever for her to agree. “Okay.”

Letting out a relieved sigh, he lowered his mouth to hers. After a long, lingering kiss, he lowered himself in front of her. “Get on.”

She did and he carried her the short distance left to the cabin. They made their way laughing, and he was grateful he could still make her laugh after the sudden strike of uncertainty he’d just seen in her eyes. His stumble up the steps had more to do with her teeth on his ear than him carrying her.

Paige got off his back in a slow, sensual slide, but he could still feel her body pressed against him. Her hands crept under his shirt and around to his stomach. His hand froze on the door to the cabin when her fingertips skimmed the waistband of his jeans. Thank God she was anxious, because he was desperate.

With extreme self-control, he covered her hand with his and somehow managed to get them both inside before it wandered any lower. Before the door clicked shut, his mouth was on hers. Before he’d flipped the dead bolt, his tongue swept inside and he tasted her, feasted on her.

“I missed you. This.” He tangled his fingers in her hair like an anchor.

She whimpered, trembling in his arms, her fingers digging into the back of his neck. With his mouth at her throat, he slipped a hand under her shirt. “I need you.”

He got rid of the shirt, then the bra, and went back to her mouth. Need and urgency mixed with desire and this new feeling that he needed her to belong to him, that maybe she already did.

They barely made it into the bedroom before her panties hit the floor. He laid her on the bed, shed his own clothes, then took a second. Completely naked, her chest rising and falling with every breath. “God. Look at you. You make me crazy.”

“In a good way?” she asked, a smile pulling at her perfect lips.

He levered himself over her, dipped his lips to just a breath from hers. “Yes. In a very good way.”
The best.
Then he proceeded to show her, starting at the top of her head and working his way down. He skipped her mouth so he wouldn’t lose himself in her kiss. And he would if he started there. He could spend hours with that mouth and never get enough. He sated himself with her breasts first, laving one nipple, then the other.

She moaned and moaned again, and her low sound of arousal drove him higher. And even though he wanted to be inside her with a desperation he’d never known, he went slowly, bringing her to the edge again and again. He wanted to give her so much pleasure that she’d know she belonged to him, that her body and heart would know only his. He grazed his teeth down her abdomen and lower, breathing in her scent. With his hands on her thighs, he held her open to him and in one long stroke of his tongue had her crying out his name.

By the time he pushed inside, they were both on fire, both damp with sweat.

And with every thrust into her sweet body, three words pulsed in his mind like the blood pounding through his heart.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Hours later, JT slipped out of bed. He should be exhausted and he was, but he couldn’t sleep. He walked through the cabin until he stood on the porch looking out at the dark. It must be nearing morning because the moon that had been so bright before was gone. He could barely make out the woods he knew began several yards from the cabin.

He wondered how Casey was, hoped she was sleeping soundly. He had a sudden urge to call his brother to make sure she was okay, but that would be crazy. If she wasn’t, Stephen would call him. Besides, that was something a parent would do and he wasn’t. He wasn’t her father. So why did he feel so strongly that he should be?

How could it ever be right for him to have it now when he hadn’t wanted it then? How could he want a child, this child, so badly when he hadn’t wanted his own?

What kind of person doesn’t want their own child?

He didn’t know. Or maybe he was afraid he did.

“Hey.”

He turned at the sound of Paige’s voice. Wearing his T-shirt that hung to mid-thigh, she crossed the short distance and slipped her arms around him.

“Hey.” He kissed her upturned face, feeling immediately lighter.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“I thought I heard my phone, thought it might be Stephen.”

“Was it?”

“No.” Wondering if there was anything on under the shirt, he slipped his hands under the soft cotton.

Paige smiled. “What are you looking for?”

“Mmm. I don’t know, but I found something.” He traced his fingers around the edges of her panties.

“Maybe you can lose them later.” He kissed her again deeply and when the kiss ended, he led her over to the porch swing and pulled her into his lap.

She settled against his chest and he rocked them gently with his foot. They stayed that way awhile, just sitting and rocking. He soaked in the feeling of holding her while her short nails stroked over the arm he had wrapped around her waist.

“Did your parents really forget a kid at the skating rink?”

“That’s the story.”

“I really like them. Your dad especially.”

He made a low sound of agreement and kept rocking. What kind of dad would he be? He’d like to be as great as his own. He’d like to be that man for Casey. Because he loved her and because she deserved it.

The wind made a soft whooshing sound through the tops of the highest pines, and though he hated it, he had to ask. “Do you think Casey’s father will ever try to see her?”

“No,” she said without pause. “I don’t. I didn’t talk to him after that night. I saw him around town a couple of times, once when I was really pregnant. If he suspected it was his, he never said anything. At the time I didn’t care. I never wanted to see him again and I had enough to deal with.

“A week after she was born, I went to his house so he could see her, just for Casey’s sake, just in case he really didn’t know. Though I’m sure he did. It was a small town.”

“And?”

“And it wasn’t exactly a Hallmark moment. A girl answered the door. She had a cigarette in her mouth, wearing a tank top and panties. She looked me up and down, asked me who the hell I was. Then Gary came to the door and…he wasn’t interested.” Her fingers were still on his arm.

“He never knew about her leg. I thank God for that. Just in case Casey ever asked me, I can honestly say it had nothing to do with that. Her father was just a selfish asshole. He didn’t want her. First he said she wasn’t his, then he said even if she was, he didn’t want her. So I left.”

Paige had no idea that the breath had been knocked from his chest by his own past. His heart raced, the blood pounded in his ears. He carefully lifted her from his lap and set her on the swing beside him. He desperately wanted to get up, put distance between them, but he couldn’t move. He felt physically ill.

“Jake?” She laid a hand on his thigh. “It’s nothing to be upset about. I thank God he’s not in her life.”

He couldn’t speak for a long time, staring at his leg like it was the source of all evil. A vivid reminder of what he’d done, who he’d been. Even more blatant when he raised his eyes to Paige, so beautiful, so responsible and unselfish. She looked at him like he was a hero, and it was eating a hole right through him. “Do you want to know how I lost my leg?”

“You said it was a car accident.”

Even with the uncertainty in her voice, she didn’t take her reassuring hand from his leg. “It was, but I didn’t say my girlfriend was in the car, that I was driving. Or that she’d just told me she was pregnant.” He shook his head, wishing so badly he could make it go away.

“What happened?”

“I was nineteen, just home from college for a few days for my brother’s wedding and…I didn’t want it. Any of it. To be a husband, to be a father, not then, at the time I thought maybe never. That wasn’t my plan.” He forced himself to meet her eyes. “I was paying more attention to this blow to my plans than the road. It was my fault. I wrecked the car and she lost the baby. It was early and…she lost it. Because of me.”

“Jake.” She said his name softly, lovingly, in a way he knew he didn’t deserve.

“I look at Casey and I think…how could I not have wanted that? What’s wrong with me that I didn’t want that? I’m just like Casey’s—”

“No. You’re not.” Wearing only his T-shirt, she straddled his lap and took his face in her hands. “It’s not the same. How long did you have to process what she told you? A minute? A second? Gary had nine months to think about it. He saw her, he could have held her, but he didn’t want to. Can you honestly tell me that you would have looked in your child’s eyes and wished them away? Not wanted them? Not cared about them and loved them?”

“I don’t know.” He met her eyes. “I don’t know.” And that was the problem. Because how could he know?

“Well,
I
know.
I
know at least that much. Your words didn’t kill the baby, Jake. Not your words or your thoughts. It was a horrible accident that came at a horrible moment. What if she hadn’t told you while you were driving? What if she’d told you in a different way? A better way?”

Funny, he’d never thought of that. He’d only thought if he had been different. If he had been better.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and laid her cheek on top of his head. “Did you ever even let yourself grieve?”

“I don’t deserve to.”

“Yes, you do,” she whispered against his head. She slid her fingers through his hair and pulled his head to her breast. “A child and the idea of a child are very different things. Don’t you think I felt the same way? Do you think I was thrilled at the prospect of being a mother? Do you think everyone who finds out they’re having a baby, especially an unplanned baby, is excited about it?”

Yeah. He had. Figured all normal, loving human beings were ecstatic about the imminent birth of their baby.

“Don’t you see it? The fact that you want to grieve, that you’re still beating yourself up? That even after all this time it’s still hard for you to come home. That should tell you what I already know.”

Still straddling his lap, she took his face again, pressed her sweet lips to his forehead, his cheeks, and he squeezed his eyes closed against the threatening tears.

“Jake,” she whispered and brushed her thumbs over his closed eyelids. “Let it go. You have to let it go.” She continued raining kisses over him until she reached his lips.

He couldn’t resist her. With his hands in her hair, he pulled her down, crushed his mouth to hers. Clutched at her, desperate for her. “I need you.”

“You have me.”