Worth the Fight (Accidentally on Purpose) (3 page)

Chapter Two

Emmy squeezed herself into the corner of the couch, tr
ying to shrink away from my harsh words. It looked like the couch was eating her. She looked so defeated. I was being downright cruel and she didn’t even defend herself, not even a little bit. The Emmy I left behind in New Jersey wouldn’t have let me verbally abuse her, whether she was in the wrong or not. This woman just sat there and took it. I never believed in fighting someone unwilling to fight for themselves, so I changed course.

“You do love Lucas, though,” I said, pulling my anger in. “You’re a good mother, I will give you that.”

She nodded, but didn’t meet my eyes. She stared at the wall on the other side of the room, willing herself not to look at me, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I was so angry with her, yet so hurt by her, and I even felt sorry for her. This couldn’t have been easy, even if she put herself in this precarious position in the first place by withholding such pertinent information. If I didn’t hate her right then as much as I loved her right then, I would have tried to soothe her, but then I didn’t really think she deserved soothing. I moved on.

“Anyway,” I sighed and looked away. “I have to put the past behind me, for Lucas's sake. I want to be part of his life. I just started my own firm, so I'm not really in a position to do too much traveling right now. I don't know anything about your situation,” I paused, unsure if I really wanted to know the a
nswer to what I was about to ask. How much was I going to have to fight to get her and Lucas where I needed them? “Do you have your job to get back to in Philly...or anyone...waiting?”

Her green and brown eyes widened as she shook her head. “I haven't been in Philly since January. My family packed up the house and sold it.”

“You loved that house,” I said, surprised to hear this for the first time. Another fact Samantha failed to reveal to me.

Emmy tried to shrug it off, but I could hear the pain in her voice when she spoke. “Whatever sentiment I had attached to that house was obliterated.”

What the hell? What the hell happened in that house after I left? My first instinct was that Kyle Sterling did something shitty, but now wasn’t the time to ask.

“You say your family packed up - where were you?” I asked.

“The French countryside.”

The French countryside? Who the hell does that? Who the hell just picks up and moves to the French countryside? She made it seem like she had just went to the beach for a few weeks or something.

“Is that where you live?”

“Oh, no. I've been stateside since a month before Lucas was born. I'm not really tied down anywhere.”

“No boyfriends or anything?” I asked carefully.

“If you're wondering about Kyle Sterling, I haven't seen him since I left Philly.”

“I was curious, but it wasn't just about him,” I said, though it really was mostly about him. I had to know if there was some other man in my son’s life.

“I'm completely single,” she said dismally.

I was relieved. I was able to breathe a little easier, but then I had to tell her what I’d been thinking.

“I've been thinking about this most of the day,” I said, running a hand through my hair.

“Thinking about what?”

“I want you and Lucas to move in with me.”

Emmy shifted uncomfortably. I knew what I was asking her was a lot, but she owed me this. In the very least, she owed me this.

“It will be good for Lucas to have his parents raising him together, at least at first. It gives him the best of both worlds, and just developmentally speaking, he will do well to have us both there at once. We'll both be able to participate in the ev
eryday little things that parents get to experience with a child. I don't want to miss anything,” I said firmly, even though my voice trembled. My hands balled into fists as I waited for her response. I needed her to give me this.

“What if you start seeing someone?” she asked. I noted how she didn’t ask the question of herself.

“I'm not seeing anyone, not really.” There was no need to bring up Claire. “That's a bridge we'll have to cross when we get to it.”

Emmy scrunched her nose up for a brief second. It was an analogy she hated, but I had forgotten until now.

“You won't have to worry about anything,” I said. “I'll take care of the bills, buying the diapers and whatever either of you need.”

“That won't be an issue. I can take care of me and L
ucas.”

“Then take care of yourself if you insist, but I want to take care of my son.”

She sighed. “How big is your apartment? Lucas needs a crib, and some other things.”

“It's only a one bedroom, but you and Lucas can have my room. I'll take the couch. We can look for a bigger place later. Does this mean you'll do it?”

Very slowly, she nodded. I breathed a sigh of relief and actually found myself smiling at her. She tried to smile back, but failed. Instead, she just looked plain scared.

*~~~*

I walked into my sister’s house, unannounced and without knocking. It was almost midnight, but I knew I’d find Lena in the kitchen sipping on a cup of hot cocoa. Even when she was at her sickest, she didn’t deviate from this nightly ritual. She waited until all of the kids and Chuck were in bed or otherwise occupied and made her cocoa the old fashioned way in a pot on the stove with real milk. She didn’t care about the calories or the sugar. It was her way of unwinding and it was one of few things she gave to herself. Rarely did I ever interrupt this ritual, but these were special circumstances.

“Hello, little brother,” she said from the kitchen table. She didn’t look at all surprised to see me as she pushed a se
cond steaming mug in my direction. “I was expecting you. Sit down.”

I hesitated before sitting down. Was she expecting me because she saw that I had a letter from Emmy or was she e
xpecting me because she knew about my son before me? Lena and Emmy’s mom Samantha were very close. I hated it at first, when she pushed herself into my family after Emmy had broken my heart, but she and Emmy’s dad Fred Sr. were such a large support system for my family. I’m not sure how well any of us would have done without Sam’s big mouth and need to nurture.

I sat down across from Lena and looked into her blue eyes. Her eyes and my sister Lorraine’s eyes weren’t as shoc
kingly blue as my own, but they were close. Lena’s were a little duller after battling breast cancer, but they were still alive and they still seeped into my mind and soul like no one else’s in the world. Five years my senior, Lena never treated me like a pesky little brother as most older siblings did. She was my best friend growing up, the person I could rely on to play with me when I had no one to play with, help me with my homework when my parents were working, and to bandage my knees after I’d fall while skateboarding. She attended all of my sporting events, drove me and my friends around when she got her license, and she gave great advice when girls began to become a factor. When I broke it off with Emmy, she didn’t offer her opinion on the matter. She was sad for me and she was sad for Emmy, and she was sad for the family, because everyone had really liked Emmy. I knew she wanted me to give Emmy another chance, but she didn’t push the issue. She was just there for me, even though she was fighting for her life.

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” she asked quietly as she looked at me.

I dropped my eyes to my cocoa. It hurt me badly to know that Lena knew about Lucas before me. “You’ve seen him before then?” I asked.

“Just in pictures. I was giving her the benefit of doubt. I knew she’d eventually come around and tell you on her own.”

“You should have told me just the same,” I said bitterly.

“I was afraid that if anyone else told you but Emmy, you would overreact and then she would overreact, and possibly run. Everything could have turned into one big pile of shit if things had happened that way, but they’re not a big pile of shit now. Right?”

“Right,” I said grudgingly, knowing that she was right, but it still didn’t feel good to be the last to know. “Does Mom know? Lorraine?”

“No. They don’t know. Just me and Chuck.”

She sipped on her hot chocolate and I followed her lead and sipped on mine. I was relieved to know that my entire family had not been keeping the big secret from me.

“I asked Emmy to move in with me,” I said after a few quiet moments.

“Did she say yes?”

“Yes. If I could keep Lucas without her, I would, but I’m not that cruel,” I said sourly.

“She did what she thought was best, Luke.”

“Then her thinking is obviously flawed, Lena.”

“I understand that you are hurt and angry, but you are going to have to deal with it. You have to show your son how to treat women, even if it’s the woman that broke his heart.”

I sighed and nodded in agreement. “I understand.”

“How do you feel?” Lena asked.

“What do you mean how do I feel?” I narrowed my eyes at her. “I’m angry and I’m hurt. I missed five months of my son’s life – that’s if you don’t include the nine months he was in the womb. I feel this huge gaping hole inside of me that I didn’t have before, and I know I shouldn’t really feel this way today, but missing that chunk of Lucas’s life is killing me, L
ena.”

Lena pushed out of her chair and walked the few steps to me. I immediately wrapped my arms around my sister’s waist. I was shocked and ashamed when I felt the tears sliding out of my eyes.

“I didn’t even have time to get my shit together,” I sobbed. “She didn’t even give me the time that she had during the pregnancy to come to grips with being a parent. I have no fucking idea how to be someone’s dad, Lena!”

My sister didn’t try to hush me and she didn’t tell me everything would be okay. I always appreciated that Lena was not a bullshitter.

“No kid comes with a manual, Luke,” she said with a small laugh. “Whether you had nine months or nine years, you’ll be trying to figure out whether or not you’re doing the right thing for your kids for the rest of your life. We’re all grown up and Mom still questions some of her decisions involving us. You just have to do the best you can do, put your best foot forward and always put Lucas before yourself, before his mother, before anyone else in the world.”

“I don’t know how to do that and deal with Emmy, too. I fucking hate her and I fucking love her. Being so close to her breaks my damn heart all over again, and I am so damn angry.”

“You will find a way to deal with it,” Lena assured me. “You need to try to prepare for Lucas’s homecoming.”

Remembering all of the things Emmy said Lucas needed, I nodded in agreement. Lena stepped away and I stood up and wiped at my eyes.

“Thank you,” I said to her.

“I didn’t say anything profound,” she smiled. “In fact, I wasn’t very helpful at all.”

“You were here for me, as always,” I said. “I appreciate that.”

“I always will be. Listen, why don’t you bring Emmy and Lucas over for dinner tomorrow? I’ll break the news to mom and Lorraine and we’ll have a nice homecoming for your b
aby.”

“Okay,” I said. “That sounds like a good plan.”

“Excellent,” she said, clasping her hands together. “I get to meet my nephew.”

“I better go. I have a lot to do. Thanks for the cocoa.”

Lena hugged me. “No problem, little brother.”

I left Lena’s with a clear head and a determination I was lacking deep down when I asked Emmy to move in with me. I sucked up my girly tears and drove back to my apartment, eager to make it a home for Lucas.

Chapter Three

I stayed up more than half of the night looking for the best and safest baby items. I wasn’t going to let my son sleep in some subpar crib on flammable sheets in clothing that would leave him itchy and red. I didn’t care about how much it was going to cost me, though I may have snickered at the expensive top of the line items my sister Lorraine had bought for her kids in the past. What kid needed a Gucci diaper bag? But there I was entertaining the idea of buying an upscale diaper bag for my own child.

After a couple of hours of sleep, I pushed myself off of my couch where I had crashed, and started the coffee pot in the kitchen. I had to clean and baby proof the apartment. I wasn’t a pig or anything, but when you’re used to being a single guy li
ving alone without anyone to answer to, you kind of don’t care much if you leave a few – or a lot – of dirty dishes in the sink and on the counters, or if the milk and eggs in your fridge predate the creation of fire. You tend not to care that you have piles of dirty laundry on your floor or that some of it smells like sweat and ass. Though my big sister was awesome, Lena was not the kind of big sister to come into my house and clean it for me. She had dropped off some of the crap I had left in her basement before I got my apartment and left the mess as it was.

I put my coffee in a traveling mug so that it wouldn’t spill and took it with me as I went room to room cleaning. I pushed all of my dirty laundry into laundry bags and called a laundry service to come take care of it. I wasn’t opposed to d
oing my own laundry, but I had too much to do in preparation for Lucas and Emmy. When the apartment looked pretty decent and actually smelled clean, I took a quick shower and got ready to go pick them up. Claire called me on my way out and this time I answered.

“What the hell?” she whined. “You cut me off yesterday and ignored my calls and texts. I get that you don’t want to be my boyfriend, but even for a friend that’s a pretty shitty thing to do.”

“I know,” I agreed. “I apologize but something very important came up.”

“What was so important that you couldn’t send me a text that said ‘hey, I apologize, but something very important came up’?”

I’m an attorney. I get put on the spot and have to think quickly, but here I stumbled over my words. I didn’t know how Claire was going to react, but after a half a minute of non-words, I realized that it almost didn’t matter. She wasn’t my girlfriend, and Lucas would always come first, but I wasn’t a complete asshole.

I checked my watch. I could spare a half hour before meeting Emmy, but not much more.

“Can you meet me at the coffee shop around the corner from your office?” I asked her.

“Sure, I guess. When?”

“I’ll be there in ten or fifteen minutes.”

“Okay. Must be something pretty heavy if you need to meet me in a public place,” she said doubtfully.

I didn’t respond to that. I told her I’d see her in a few and hung up.

I found Claire in the café a little while later, seated at a small table all the way in the back. Our relationship was casual, I hardly owed her a big explanation, but I had known her since I was thirteen years old, dated her for a year many years ago, and remained friends with her thereafter. I wasn’t the nicest guy, but I wasn’t a dirt bag either.

“Hey,” I said taking the seat across from her.

“Hey,” she said, eyeing me with caution.

Her short blonde hair was pulled back in a small ponytail at the base of her skull. Her dark blue eyes raked over me as they always did as if she was assessing me. She was thin with sharp cheekbones and virtually had no curves on her body, but she was pretty nonetheless. She could have been a European supermodel. Too bad her looks weren’t enough to entice me into a serious relationship.

“So, what’s up?” she asked after I asked the waitress for just a water. I had drunk nearly the whole pot of coffee while cleaning the house. I didn’t need to be any more wired than I was.

“Emmy sent me a letter,” I started.

“So?” she shrugged.

Of course she would just shrug. She knew that I came home from the east coast with a broken heart, but she didn’t know the specifics, and I didn’t feel the need to relay them to her even now.

“So,” I sighed, and decided to just be blunt. “So, she was apparently pregnant when I left and now I have a five month old son that I didn’t know about until yesterday morning.”

“What?” Her eyes were open wide and her slender fingers gripped her coffee cup so tightly I thought it would shatter in her hand.

“Yeah, that’s about the reaction I had, too,” I said, for
cing a small smile.

“That’s bullshit! How do you even know that kid is yours? This is probably just a ploy to get you back. What is she stupid or something? Doesn’t she know that DNA will prove she’s lying?”

I had questioned Lucas’s paternity myself, and I was not at all happy with Emmy, but hearing Claire call the mother of my child stupid bothered me.

“Don’t call her stupid,” I said with a quiet anger that u
nsettled Claire. “Don’t ever disrespect her. Ever.”

She shrunk into her seat and dropped her eyes to her co
ffee. “I’m sorry, but…you must have had the same thoughts.”

“I did,” I admitted. “But then I went to see them, and he looks just like me, Claire. There is no mistaking who is father is. Besides, Emmy would never be that cruel or desperate.”

She sat there in silence for a moment, thinking of her words before speaking.

“So…what are you going to do?” she asked quietly. “Are you going to be with her again?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “But I asked her to move in with me so I can be a part of Lucas’s life without all of the crap that comes along with shared custody. She and Lucas will take my room and I’ll take the couch.”

“Oh,” she said, putting a hand up to her lips as she thought about the situation. “That’s a lot of shit in one day.”

“I agree,” I sighed.

“And…you think this is going to work? You two aren’t going to fight living under the same roof?”

I didn’t think Emmy was capable of fighting anything or anyone. By all appearances, all of her fight was gone.

“No, it will be awkward and maybe even a little tense, but I don’t think we’ll fight.”

“Do you think…” she swallowed hard and looked at me nervously. “Do you think you guys will…get back together…like ever?”

I thought about my broken heart and my time missed with Lucas and frowned.

“No,” I said flatly.

“What about you and me? Can I still see you som
etimes?” Claire asked and then forced a smile.

I shifted in my seat. “I’ll need some time to adjust, Claire. I can’t make any promises.”

She nodded and looked away from me. I checked my watch and knew that I had to go.

“I have to get going. I have to meet Emmy and Lucas.” I reached over and touched Claire’s hand, making her look at me with shiny eyes.

“We’re still friends, Claire.”

“Of course we are,” she smiled. “Good luck with ever
ything. Keep me posted. Send me some pictures.”

I stood up, kissed the top of her head and left her sitting there. Even though I knew I had done the right thing, I felt like an asshole.

*~~~*

After one trip to back to my apartment to drop off the b
elongings Emmy and Lucas had brought with them to Chicago, we went back out to buy everything Lucas would need. As I carried Lucas in my arms and zipped around the enormous baby store, Emmy followed quietly behind, only speaking if I spoke to her first. I was fine with that. I didn’t want to be her damn friend, but I didn’t have to be a dickfuck about it either. Silence was our common friend.  She didn’t say anything when I told her about going to Lena’s, but she look terrified. I wasn’t her friend, as I said, but it wasn’t necessary for her to be so frightened.

“They’re going to be fine. No one is going to be nasty. They’re not like that,” I had said, knowing that she was afraid of facing my family after her Keep-Away-Lucas stunt.

The old Emmy would have said something funny at this point while trying to express her anxiety, but this woman, otherwise known as Lucas’s Mom, just absently wrung her hands together, swallowed hard, and looked at the floor.

True to my word, at dinner that night, my family e
mbraced Emmy as if she had done no wrong. They treated her like she belonged and harbored no hard feelings towards her whatsoever. My family is great like that. Me, not so much. I talked around her, over her, and through her, pretending she wasn’t really there unless it was really necessary. I didn’t do it on purpose, not really, but I felt there was a barrier between us that wasn’t there even after I broke up with her. The barrier was there because of her actions and I didn’t want to try to break through it. I was fine working around it and limiting our communication through a small open door in said barrier. The old Emmy wouldn’t have taken this shit from me, but Lucas’s Mom cowered in her seat. When she jumped up suddenly, excusing herself in a low murmur, Lena, Lorraine, and my mother all set their evil female eyes on me.

“This is hard enough for her,” Lena hissed. “You don’t need to be such an…” she considered all of the kids that were wandering around before continuing. “Asshole,” she silently mouthed.

“You’re going to push her away and she’ll take Lucas with her, stupid,” Lorraine said and punched me in the arm.

I looked at my mother’s disapproving eyes and immed
iately looked away. She didn’t raise me to be an asshole to women, but I couldn’t help the anger I felt inside towards Lucas’s Mom.

Lena got up from the table after giving me a final look of warning and left to go after Lucas’s Mom. When they returned a few minutes later, Lena immediately brought out the apple pie my mom had made for the occasion. Once Lucas’s Mom had a larger than reasonable slice of pie on her plate with a side of ice-cream, she managed to even smile a little. I rolled my eyes and said nothing. If only pie could be the fix-all to my pro
blems.