Wreckage (34 page)

“Fine.” Genevieve spat the word out like poison. “I’ll change my ‘line of questioning’ if you insist, counselor.”

“I do insist. I also insist that if one word of those defamatory statements are broadcast, you
will
have a libel suit on your hands.”

Genevieve shuffled through her cards in a frenzy. Clearly, this had been her endgame—outing Lillian about Paul. What she knew, how much she knew, Lillian would probably never find out. And Jerry, of all people, saved her.

Dizzy with relief, Lillian smiled unabashedly at her husband, who was returning to his seat after staring down the furious Genevieve Randall. Once at his chair, Jerry unbuttoned his coat before sitting. Folding himself in the chair, Jerry placed his elbows on his knees and his face into his hands, rubbing his eyes like a tired toddler. When he finished, his lawyer face had disappeared and a new one replaced it. She’d only seen this look once before in their life together. It was fear.

The last time she saw that face was six and half months earlier, the day after the Carlton Yogurt gala. She and Dave had spent the whole day together, leaving Jill behind in the hotel room working on teacher reviews. Jill had no idea they’d been together. Of course, she wouldn’t approve.

Jill had spent most of the limo ride back to their hotel, the walk to their room, and the twenty minutes it took to remove the heavy gown, scrub her face with cold cream and soap, and slip into pajamas, lecturing Lillian about her behavior at the gala. Lillian tried to be indignant or offended but she couldn’t muster the energy, not when she knew what she was planning with Dave the next day. She grinned and patted her friend’s sharp hair before climbing into bed, aware she only had a few short hours to rest before her important day.

“You’re sure it’s okay if I walk you all the way to your room?” Dave asked, still holding Lillian’s hand as they walked down the red-carpeted hallway.

“Jill texted me this morning, she’s visiting her cousin in Santa Monica and won’t be back till late. We’re safe.” Butterflies tickled her rib cage thinking about the empty room. As natural as it felt, she promised herself she would
not
invite him in.

“I can’t believe it’s over. I’ve been looking forward to this day since we said good-bye in Guam. Now I have to say good-bye again.” The firm pressure of his fingertips made Lillian think maybe he couldn’t let go, or wouldn’t. She didn’t know if she liked that or if it scared her to death.

“I’ll miss you too but at least we can talk on the phone. I got a new cell number under a different name so we can text.” Lillian pointed to door 223, second to last in the hall. “Here we are.” Her feet shuffled to a stop right before the door. She turned to face him, counting the pearly blue buttons on the front of his shirt.

“I have to leave you now, don’t I?” he asked, taking a step closer to her, looping a chunk of hair behind her ear. Even the brush of his fingers on her earlobe made her shiver. How could he still make her feel this way?

“We might be getting a little greedy.” She laughed, trying to make the butterflies disappear so she could walk away without doing something she’d regret. “Let me know how things are going with Beth. If you need me again, I might just happen to have another ‘interview’ in LA in a month or two.”

Lillian flipped her free hand to accentuate her joke but she could tell Dave wasn’t listening. He was watching her lips like a cat with a canary. A hot blush flooded her cheeks; clearly he was done being good. He took a bold step toward her, their torsos nearly touching.

She was frozen in place watching his black eyelashes as he traced the lines of her face like he was memorizing it. Nearly drunk on his scent, she needed every ounce of self-control not to cross that invisible line, the one she drew when she told him they had to lie. But she wanted to, she really, really wanted to.

Putting her hand on his chest, she tried to push him away but as soon as they connected, she knew it was a mistake. A current coursed between them, as if electricity was running through her arm to his chest. His gaze flew to hers; he could feel it too. She wanted to tell him “no,” or at least back away, but she also wanted to taste him again. She leaned in ever so slightly, when the door opened behind her.

A whoosh of air sucked out the vacuum of tension hovering between them. Lillian yanked her hand away, wishing she could force her pulse to slow down. Jill would read it in her eyes, she was sure of it.

Dave jumped at least a foot backward, hands shoved in his pockets, when the door jerked open at full speed. Even Lillian thought his attempt at indifference came off as guilt.

“Lillian, there you are,” a deep, familiar voice boomed in the silent hallway. Spinning on one foot, she found herself face-to-face with Jerry. Lines of worry carved his face, a five o’clock shadow growing on his normally clean-shaven chin. He was wearing a rumpled pair of gray dress pants and what looked like a brand-new white dress shirt with the fold lines still pressed in.

“Jerry! What in the . . .? I had no idea you were coming.” Lillian forced herself to smile.

“That’s usually the point of a surprise,” he said, slightly hostile. “I tried to surprise you at your interview this morning but imagine
my
surprise when they told me you weren’t scheduled for an interview today.”

“Oh yeah. I ended up calling those in. It was a long night.” Lillian bluffed the best she could. She couldn’t tell him she’d never intended to go to those interviews, that they were just a cover so she could be with Dave.

“Yes,” Jerry talked through gritted teeth. “So I heard.”

Jill has such a big mouth
, Lillian thought.

“Where’s Jill?” Lillian asked aloud.

“She went home, to her family.” Jerry tipped his head around the doorframe. “She said you two had a nice talk, isn’t that right, Dave? Or should I call you David?”

“It’s nice to see you again, Jerry. I’ve heard so much about you.” Dave didn’t move, just gave Jerry a sidelong glance before continuing. “And please, call me Dave.” Dave folded his arms across his chest, the veins in his forearms bulging like he was lifting fifty-pound weights.

When Jerry spoke again, the skin on his jaw was so tight Lillian was afraid it’d burst. “Lillian, I’d love to know where you’ve been all day?”

“We called in our interviews and then Dave showed me around LA.” She was thinking on her feet. What would sound like the most benign outing for two old friends? “He showed me his dad’s old floral shop and then we went out to lunch at Ricardo’s. Ricardo, the owner, is his dad’s oldest friend and then . . .”

“You can stop lying, Lillian. I can see it all over your face.”

“I’m not lying, Jerry. Why would I lie?” Lillian panicked, her calm persona fading fast.

Dave must’ve seen it, or sensed it. He leaned his head against the hall’s textured wall like this was a huge imposition and sighed. “You’re embarrassing yourself, Jerry.”

Jerry’s head whipped to the left. He was angry, angrier than Lillian had ever seen him. His lips blanched white and he was breathing heavily. She had a sudden desire to put herself in between the two men.

“
I’m
embarrassing myself,
David
? You’ve got to be kidding me.” Jerry growled, fists clenching and unclenching by his side like he wanted to punch something. As far as she knew, Jerry’d never been in a fight before, not a physical one at least. He was always the even-tempered one, the one to consider things logically and analytically. He was nowhere close to calm at that moment. Dave wasn’t helping matters.

“This isn’t what you’re making it out to be,” Dave said, sounding bored. “You have no idea what’s going on here, do you?” He shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his jeans and stood up straight, giving Jerry a blazingly condescending look.

“Do you think I’m stupid,
David,
or just gullible?” Jerry took a step toward Dave, crossing the threshold of the hotel room for the first time. “I’ve seen all your phone calls. I know how many, what time, how long. I know you must wait until your wife’s asleep to call
my
wife. After talking to Jill, I also know you aren’t even apologetic for it. So what is it? Stupid or gullible?”

“I pick . . . incompetent.” Dave’s hands came out of his pockets and hung at his sides as though he knew he was asking for trouble. Jerry tipped back on his heels like a long jumper at the Olympics. Lillian needed to do something.

“Dave! Jerry! Stop!” Her voice echoed through the empty hallway. Both men looked at her as though they’d forgotten she was there. Sliding her body between them, hand on each man’s bicep, she glanced up at both sets of glaring eyes, one black as night, the other blue as the island’s lagoon. “Let’s not make a scene. If you want to talk, Jerry, let’s go inside and talk like adults.”

Jerry grabbed her hand from his arm and wrapped his fingers around her wrist. “I’m not inviting that man anywhere.”

“Excuse me, sir, but I’d take my hand off her if I were you.” Dave leaned over her, pushing against her flat, firm palm.

“David,” she said, slipping back to her nickname for him. Today he looked like a biblical David, his brow set with determination and righteous indignation. She knew that if it were up to him, they’d tell Jerry the truth and see where the chips fell. But not Lillian. She wasn’t ready. “I can handle this. I promise. Give us one second, please.”

His heart was beating so fast she couldn’t keep count, and those eyes, wet with a touch of desperation. “Are you sure, Lily? Don’t let him bully you.”

“Bully her? You have some nerve.” Jerry shook his head but didn’t advance.

“I’m fine,” she said.

Ignoring Jerry’s existence, Dave took her hand in his, as though trying to take her with him. She tilted her head to the side, staring into his smooth face, trying not to remember.

But she did. All the happy times she’d tried to forget galloped through her memory like a thoroughbred at full speed. His arms, his lips, his skin, his courage, his determination, his loyalty. The way he held her all night and laughed with her all day and how he loved their son with every bit of his heart. Worst of all, she saw Paul in his face and when he moved away from her hand, it was hard to let him go.

She turned nervously to face Jerry. When she found the nerve to check his face, she was surprised at how the anger had drained out of it. He was pale with dark bags sagging under his eyes.

“I can’t do this anymore, Lil,” he exhaled. “First, I thought you were dead and I was devastated.” He traced the high arch of Lillian’s cheekbones with his fingertips. “I finally get you home and now I’m losing you again. To him.” He cocked his head to the side, pointing with his raised eyebrows.

“To Dave?” she asked, knowing the answer already. “Dave’s my friend, Jer. I care about him deeply, but we’re not together.”

“You say that but then you spend half your time on the phone with him, talking about who knows what. Then you fly across the country and lie about interviews just so you can see him.” He lowered his voice. “You won’t sleep in the same bed with me. How am I supposed to feel about that?”

Lillian checked to see if Dave was listening. He was sprawled against the wall in his defensive stance, but she could tell he was listening to every word.

“What else can I say, Jerry? Dave and I aren’t having an affair. Simple as that. Dave and Beth are working on their marriage, going to a counselor.” She took a step toward him. “Maybe we could try it too.”

“I’ll bet he doesn’t tell his counselor that he spends hours talking to another woman on the phone at night.” Jerry raised his voice, aiming it at Dave, who shifted his weight from one foot to the other like he was itching to respond to Jerry’s barbs.

“It’s not romantic,” Lillian explained. “I need him because he is the only person who knows what I’ve been through.”

That made Jerry shake his head. “That’s so not fair, Lillian. How can I know what you’ve been through if you won’t even talk to me about it?”

“Talk to you? You’ve never shown any interest in listening. Anytime I bring up Paul you tune me out or change the subject. And Dave
was with
Paul. He has memories of him, alive. I need someone else to remember that my baby Paul existed and that he died, in my arms.” Lillian bit the inside of her cheeks till the taste of blood touched her tongue. She wouldn’t cry for him again, not in front of Dave who wasn’t allowed tears for his own son.

Jerry shook his head, mournfully. “I’ll make this simple, Lillian:
David
or me? I don’t mean me and the boys—I mean just me. Am I enough for you? No more midnight phone calls or clandestine meetings. It ends now, or”—his voice caught and he cleared it—“or we’re done.”

He stared at her, fear stamped on his face, like he was already certain of her reply. If Jerry cried, Lillian didn’t know what she’d do.

The world froze in a misty haze around Lillian, like time slowed down but she was still at full speed. So she had to choose. Jerry, who she’d been married to for twelve years, the father of her children, who knew what she needed better than she knew herself? Or, Dave, who she was drawn to as though she were trapped in the kind of invisible force field from Josh’s sci-fi movies, with whom she’d scrambled to survive, had a child against all odds, and witnessed death—the one person in the world she knew would always protect her, no matter what came her way?

This was so unfair. If it had been three months ago or even two, Lillian may have faltered, remembering that vision she had in the hospital after their rescue, those images of her life with Dave. But after today? No. Dave was with Beth and she was with Jerry.

Lillian dared check on Dave one more time before giving her final answer. He was squinting at the ceiling lights and it wasn’t fear or even hope she saw there, it was resignation—and what also looked like shame. Jerry was worried she’d pick Dave but clearly Dave already knew who she’d go home with.

She looked back at her husband and whispered, “I choose you.”

CHAPTER 30

LILY-DAY 589