Years of Summer: Lily's Story (12 page)

“Lily, oh my gosh, that is so great.  See I told you to give him a chance.”

Jace, of course, was sitting there as I was telling her and she ran to him and hugged him.  “You better be good to her, I know where you live.”

He laughed.  “Yeah and you know I will be good to her.”

“Yes, Jace, I know.  Now I have some news of my own.”

She pulled out a chain from under her shirt and she had been given Ty’s ∆X lavaliere.  I was so happy for her.  We both had a great spring break.  The only difference was, hers would last forever. 

* * * * * * *

Jace and I were in love, as deep as love could be. April and May were two of the best months of our lives. We spent every waking hour together. Our moments were precious. We never fought or made each other mad. As a matter of fact he and I both made the Dean’s List that semester. Next year would be our senior year in college and after that we would be married.  Those were the things I so looked forward too. Jace had already decided to ask Dave to be his best man and did before the end of term.  We hung out a lot together that summer, me and Jace and Dave and Ally. 

It was a terrible day when Ally had to tell Connor goodbye. They decided it would be easiest to do it after graduation and spend the summer apart so they could get used to the idea.  My little sister cried for two days, I felt so bad for her. I couldn’t imagine having to tell Jace goodbye. 

Luckily Dave and Jace being the big brother types made sure Ally was okay and they would tell her everything would be okay and if it was meant to be it would be.  They were great with her.  I made sure she knew the same thing, but coming from them verses coming from me made it more believable to her and if that helped her then I was grateful to them for that.  June came.    

Dave hung out a lot at our house with us and Ally.  Jace and I would go out on double “dates”, but it was more like an including in of Dave and Ally.  Jace was that kind of person.  If he knew someone just needed to have fun he was not opposed to them coming with us, of course neither was I and although I was worried that Ally would fall for Dave, it wasn’t happening. In August she would start UNA and then she would have time to think about what she wanted.  Right now Dave was just a person whom she had a great time with that filled a void, so I was not opposed to that.

* * * * * * *

July came . . . but didn’t last long.  A year before we were supposed to get married, I only needed a year. It was the month before we started back to college. It was going to be our senior year in college together. I was looking forward to the rest of the summer with Jace.  We had been having a blast so far.  This was just the next month of us, right?  We loved each other, love conquers all, right?

There are other things that end up conquering all—things that we have no control over, things that are more powerful than any. 

Plans of providence are one of those things, and as far as I can tell, the only thing that
CAN
conquer all. When your plans don't mesh with providence it will pull you up short. It will take your breath away. It can leave you gasping for air because you just don’t understand.  It can also make you see things for what they are. It is impossible to prepare yourself for every human’s inevitable end whether they are ninety or twenty-one. 

It was July fourth of that year. We had planned to go see the fireworks and we took Dave and Ally with us. The show began at nine and we found ourselves a great little park where you could see them great and feel them even greater and you had no problem hearing them.  We rode in Jace’s truck so we could let the tailgate down and sit in chairs in the back.  It was going to be fun.  I always loved watching the fireworks.  I still do. 

Jace was overly emotional that night. I never understood until later. He pulled me into his lap and held me close like he didn’t want to let me go.  There was music on the radio that went with the fireworks show; he sat there with tears in his eyes.  I had a great fear of asking him what was wrong, because I had the feeling I didn’t want to know.  That is why I didn’t ask, sometimes I wish I had and other times I was glad I didn’t.  I don’t think I would have known how to react if he had told me the truth.  I somehow had a bad feeling that my life that I had planned with him was about to fall through my fingers like sand on the beach.  Fitting that I would use that analogy. 

It seemed like all of our wonderful moments were spent at Seaside on the beach.  My heart had an ache to it that night that was hard to explain.  He held my hand and stared at the engagement ring he had given me.  “It looks so beautiful on your hand Lily Grace Masters.”  He wanted to hear his last name attached to mine, that is why he said it, because he wasn’t ever going to hear it.  I started crying; I had a feeling I knew what he was doing.  After the fireworks we put everything back down in the bed of his truck, put the tailgate up, and headed for home. 

It was bittersweet. I loved spending those moments with him; every moment was a blessing that I would have never had if I never gave him the chance.  I loved him with all of my heart then and couldn’t bear to imagine anything without him.  It was late, around eleven by the time we made it back through the traffic to home.  Jace dropped me and Ally off and Dave drove back home.  Ally went on in, she knew something wasn’t right either and she left Jace and me alone.

“Lily Grace, I want you to know how much I love you and I always will.  You are beautiful and smart and you have a heart that encompasses the world and you allowed me to take part of that.  Thank you!  I will never forget you.”

I knew he was telling me goodbye.  It hurt; more than words can ever express, because it wasn’t just goodbye for now, it was goodbye forever.

  How do you handle that when you know what is about to happen and there is nothing you can do to stop it?  You try to delay it.  I tried, and the more I tried, the more I felt him slipping away.  I didn’t want him slipping away.  I couldn’t lose him; we were supposed to have a future together.

“No, Jace, stay here with me, don’t go home.  I love you, I need you.”

“I love you too Lily bell.  Never forget that!”  He semi-ran to his truck, looked back at me, and came back and kissed me.  Tears filled his eyes, and with that he left.  He walked out of my life forever.  I watched him as he drove out of my driveway and I wanted to go after him, but something kept me glued to the spot where I was standing; that was the way he wanted to leave me and I knew that.  I wanted to remember Jace just like he was.  One of the most amazing men I had ever had the chance to be so important to.  I started filling my head with our good memories, because I didn’t want to remember him the way he just left.  Why does life have to be so cruel?

I drug myself up the deck and just went back to my room and sat on the bed looking out at the beautiful starry lit sky that was so evil to me at that moment.  Sitting there my heart hurt, I let out a little gasp. It is hard to explain, but I felt him go away. I knew at the exact moment he left this earth at the hands of a drunk driver. Don’t ask me how he knew, I don’t know, but he did and we made the most of every moment we had together. I fell to my bed and cried.  Ally came and held onto me as I waited for the call I knew I was going to get.  She cried with me and hurt with me and prayed with me.  I have never felt pain that great in my entire life, every breath I took, hurt, every movement I made, hurt, every emotion exploded and took my breath away.  I know what it feels like to have a broken heart tenfold because mine shattered. Deep ripping sobs exploded from my throat. It burned and ached and tightened. Ally held me tighter trying to keep me together.  The phone rang.  It was two a.m.  It was Jace’s brother, Grey. 

“Hello.” I barely whispered.

“Lily, sweetie, I have some . . .” His brother started crying and then composed himself to tell me . . . “bad news.  Jace . . . was hit . . . by a . . . drunk driver . . . he’s gone . . . he loved you . . . I’m sorry.”

‘He loved you, I’m sorry.’  Those words rang through my head as I felt all my will to live melt away.

I could barely whisper.  “I’m . . . sorry . . . too.”  That was all I could say.  I hung up the phone.  Then everything exploded as I wailed.  “NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!” Mom and Dad came running down the hall to my room and burst in the door.

Ally answered before they asked. “Mom . . . Dad . . . Jace . . . is gone.”

I heard Mom say, “Oh Dear God.”  Then she came to me and held me and Ally and cried with us.

Dad came and held all of us, but kissed me on the head.  “Oh baby girl, I am so sorry.”  Dad didn’t cry, but he held all of his girls and let us cry; trying to comfort us the best he knew how. 

I felt lost without Jace—our year of summer had ended.    

Part 2:  After

Prologue—

How do you live through something like that?  I almost didn’t.  Nothing was happy to me anymore.  I tried remembering things that Jace and I did together and tried to turn those into happiness, but with those thoughts it only brought about more pain, because our plans had been so abruptly destroyed.  I decided to turn everything off.  Feelings, I could not feel.  Tears, I cried but didn’t feel.  I was awake for three days straight, because every time I tried to sleep horrible images filled my mind.  I didn’t want to see those images.  I hoped it was instant and he never knew what happened.  How do you come to grips with something like that?

It took me months, but I had a wonderful family and an even more wonderful friend.  My little sister Ally turned into my caregiver and my best friend turned into my savior. 
He
was determined that I would be okay. He
cared about me more than I could have ever imagined at that time. He was as genuine as Jace, but far more. He was gentle and kind and when I needed hope, he was there giving it to me and tried to keep me going, because he could not bear to see me in the state I was in. He even had to leave me for a short time because he couldn’t handle it, but I never knew that until much later. 

Chapter 8

I didn’t want to go to the funeral, but forced myself to. Ally was there with me. I had shut down all feeling and emotion, because it hurt too much. Tears fell but I didn’t feel them.  I didn’t go near enough to the front to even see the casket. I couldn’t handle that, it was closed anyway. I spoke to his Mom and cried with her without feeling the tears and I also spoke to his brother, Grey, and cried then too without feeling them. His dad was the same as well as his sister-in-law. I held little Shane Grey, of course he wasn’t so little anymore, he was almost two. Tessa clung to her mom’s leg. I wondered if either would ever remember their Uncle Jace. I remember thinking how unfair that was. 

Several of his fraternity brothers were there. Chelsea and Ty came, they had become engaged.  I looked down at the ring on my hand and then Ally came and held that hand.  Tears fell, I still didn’t feel them.  I didn’t want to, because then I would have to accept it.  As it stood now, I didn’t have to accept it.  Ally knew I was messed up, but she tried her best to just be with me and help me until I decided to accept it, which as it stood now, would be never.  Brick by brick my heart started re-building the wall where no one could get in.  It was slowly sealing what remaining memories I wanted to keep.  I had blocked out our last night together.  It hurt too much.  I was slowly becoming ice—ice that would never melt without warmth—I had none. 

The funeral started.  Hymns were sung, prayers were prayed.  I was even mentioned in some.  I was hoping Jace would show up and yell April fools in July, but he never did.  The songs were just mulling together, I had to leave. I couldn’t attend the graveside service because I would have to watch him being taken out of my life forever.  As I walked out the door with Ally keeping up behind me, I saw Dave; it looked like he needed air too.  I just kept walking to my car and Ally, I could see, turned and pleaded with Dave with expressions of “help” and Dave caught on.  I don’t know how.  First he went to hug Ally and then he came after me.

“Lil, you need to stop.”  The way he said Lil reminded me of Jace.  Dave touched my arm—a feeling broke through as a tear escaped and this time I felt it, a knife cutting so deep the blade couldn’t be removed.  I felt like I was bleeding out. The feelings had to be stopped; I didn’t want to feel. Feeling, hurt. It hurt terribly. I was able to stop the feeling and walked faster to get away from him.  Then Dave caught up to me and touched my shoulder.  It felt the same as Jace’s touch, which sent me over the edge.  I jumped in my car and drove off, leaving Ally behind.  My mind was gone.