You Are the Reason (21 page)

Patrick was a different type of person, but no less of a parent. He was calmer and more stable. Jake was high energy, rushing everywhere and lighting up a room with his personality. Patrick took more of a backseat, happy to sit back and watch Jake’s fireworks. He would be the one to patiently sit and listen to Maxine do her reading homework each night. He would be the one she whispered to about the cute boy in her class and the fact that she secretly didn’t like those biscuits that Daddy made, but she ate them anyway. Patrick would be the one to take her to violin lessons and sit through the
screech-scritch
for an hour.

I could hear Lee and Jake still endlessly chatting away. Jake had always been a social person, and since Maxine’s arrival, he’d been stuck at home for most of the day. I knew it couldn’t have been easy for him. I wasn’t the type of person to stay home at night either. I was about joining the crowds at the pub, drinking, and hooking up. That’s how I knew Jake. That’s how he used to be before he had Patrick.

Before Patrick, we’d be out on the prowl together. What did we still have in common? Was I really the type of person to stay in each night? Could I change my habits and be satisfied with meals at Jake’s house and nights at home, watching movies? What about regular sex?

Regular sex like you’ve been having with Lee?

I frowned as the unbidden whisper echoed in my head. Was the sex I was having with Lee enough?

When was the last time you hooked up?

It was….

I stopped to think about it. I was usually a pretty horny guy. I would be at The Tav or another place most Fridays and Saturdays. During the week I could usually find someone as well. There were places you could go….

Yes. But when was the last time you did that?

With dawning horror, I realized it was
weeks
. It was ages since I’d done anything in a sexual manner with anyone other than Lee. We’d never discussed monogamy or exclusivity, and the thought of it was more than a little daunting. Sex with
only
Lee? I didn’t know if I could do it. If he asked, I’d have to refuse.

But Lee would have the same conditions, then. He could have sex with anyone.

Lee.

Lee who got on with Jake like a house on fire.

Lee and Jake?

I was terrified to identify jealousy in my heart. I was jealous that Lee would perhaps prefer Jake to me. Jake who had no problem with makeup. Or clothes that looked gay. Jake who would be fun and sexy all at the same time.

I snuck out of Maxine’s room and crept to the back of the house. Gregor, Patrick’s guide dog, was curled up in his bed, next to the window. The night outside was clear and cold. Plenty of moonlight filtered through the window and gave me enough light to see the sofa without having to turn on the overhead bulb. Gregor gave a couple of thumps with his tail as he watched me take a seat.

I sighed as I sat down, alone in the dark apart from Gregor, while my three friends—who were all my friends, but in different ways—chatted and had fun. I was confused and edgy. Sad and sulky. Jealous and terrified.

Lee.

Lee who was gorgeous and friendly and sexy. What did he see in me? I was nothing special. And in fact, I was downright uncomfortable about certain issues that Lee was infinitely comfortable with.

Like wearing dresses.

How would we ever have a relationship? Is that where we were headed? Is that what I wanted? Could I do a relationship? Could I do monogamy? What could I do to keep Lee interested?

How long I sat in the dark and pondered my life, I have no idea. But when Gregor lifted his head and began thumping his tail again in welcome, I realized someone had joined me.

“Davo?” Patrick surely made his way into the room, at ease with the darkness. “Are you okay? Was it the curry?”

Coming back to reality, I realized that I could hear the sound of dishes being washed up in the kitchen. I’d been lost in my own thoughts for ages while my friends had finished the meal and started cleaning up. Lee’s happy laughter rang out clearly, echoed by Jake’s. I couldn’t hear what Jake was saying to him. It was an indistinct murmur.

“Sorry, Patrick,” I apologized. I opened my mouth to give an excuse, then shut it again. What could I say? Should I tell him I was a jealous prick about how well Lee was getting on with Jake?

Patrick sensed my hesitation and took a seat beside me.

“What’s wrong? Is it Maxine?” he questioned softly. “I know it’s a big change to how you and Jake usually get along. And I’m sorry if it seems that we’re pushing her on you. We just want you to love her as much as we do.”

I shook my head, and then realized he couldn’t see it. “No. It’s not that. Maxine’s perfect. She’s gorgeous. Of course, I love her already.”

Patrick’s head cocked to the side. “Then what’s up? Because you haven’t been yourself lately. And sitting in the dark by yourself is not the Davo I know. I had put it down to you being uncomfortable with babies. But it’s something more, isn’t it?”

I swallowed loudly, not willing to put a voice to my irrational discontent.

“Is it me?” Patrick asked. “I can understand if you don’t like me. Do you think I stole Jake away from your friendship? Do you think I’ve changed his life too much?”

“No.” I was quick to jump in. “Shit. Of course not. You and Jake have been together for nearly a year now. He’s never been happier. And Maxine’s part of that happiness. I admit I was a little overwhelmed with the thought of the instant family you two are making, but that was just because I didn’t know how to act around her. But she seems to like me, don’t you think?”

I was suspicious of the cough that emerged from Patrick’s throat. He wasn’t laughing at me, was he?

“Maxine loves you, Davo. I’m sure of that.”

“Good.” I nodded with relief.

We sat in silence until Patrick obviously realized I wasn’t going to speak more on the subject, and it would up to him to ask questions.

“So not Jake, not Maxine, and not me. So… Lee?”

I didn’t reply.

“Do you want to break up with him?” Patrick probed.

“No. It’s not that. It’s….” I searched for the words for what I was feeling.

“It’s…?” Patrick prompted.

I heaved a huge sigh. “Are we even together?” I asked him, although I knew he was the wrong person. Only the two people in the relationship could answer that. “And if we are together, then why? Because from where I’m standing… sitting…. Lee’s not getting a really good deal here. I mean, I’m still so uncomfortable and awkward around the glittery gay bits of his life. He doesn’t need that sort of shit. He needs something more. He needs someone like Jake, who takes one look at the makeup and loves it. He needs someone like Jake who wants to do all the house-and-garden-and-a-white-picket-fence stuff. He needs someone like Jake who wants kids and is more than just a good fuck. Jake. Jake would be a much better fit for him than me.”

“But he can’t have Jake. He’s mine.” Patrick’s voice had gone gravelly. I smiled to myself, confident he couldn’t see. There was something arousing about a jealous male.

“Yes. I know. But Lee needs someone
like
Jake. Even now. Listen to them. They’re getting on like a house on fire. Lee makes a better friend for Jake. He’s much better with Maxine than I am. Someone
like
Jake would be a better boyfriend for him.”

It was too dark to correctly read the expression on Patrick’s face, but I did see his pale brow rise in surprise. “Tell me, is this pity party you’re having here by yourself going to be a long one?”

I swallowed loudly. It was a fair enough comment.

“I know,” I sighed. “This is why I don’t do relationships. They’re too complicated. How am I meant to know anything? I don’t even know if Lee’s really into
me,
or whether it’s solely the sex.”

“Mate,” Patrick said in a confused tone. “You’ve completely got things arse around. Lee’s into you, believe me. I can tell. It’s you, not the sex, that Lee wants.”

I shook my head again. “But he shouldn’t be. Do you know what I told him tonight? I told him that he shouldn’t wear that shirt because it looked ‘too gay.’ Every time he puts on makeup, I get nervous about being around him.”

“But why?”

I ground my teeth together and muttered, “Because I don’t want to look gay. If I hang around the femme guys, I might start acting like them. And then people would know.”

“Know what?” Patrick asked gently.

I clasped my hands together tightly. “They’d know that I’m gay too.”

Patrick hesitated for a heartbeat, then said, “But you are.”

“I know I am. But I don’t want people to treat me differently because of it.” My stomach was rolling, and Jake’s curry wasn’t sitting too well.

Patrick’s voice was almost a whisper as he asked me, “What people, mate? Because the only people you need to worry about are your friends and family. And we already know you’re gay.”

That made me stop and think. What “people” was I afraid of? My teacher, who I hadn’t seen for fifteen years? Marty Keogh, who used to beat me up every day after school?

While I was trying to think of who I was hiding from, Patrick calmly dropped into the conversation, “And do you want to know what Jake and Lee are getting on like a house on fire over? You. You may not be able to hear it—I often forget that I apparently have bat hearing—but they’re talking about you, Davo. Every seventh or eighth word out of Lee’s mouth for the last fifteen minutes has been your name. He’s told us all about the theater you went to the other night. But in describing the play, the thing that most fascinated him was
your
reaction to each scene. Each time he told us something, he finished it up with, ‘and Davo laughed like a madman.’ Or ‘and I think that shocked Dave, but he loved it.’ He adored the play, but what made it special was you.”

I was amazed to speechlessness. There was a strange fluttering in my chest.

“And you want to know what they’re talking about now? I’ll give you a hint. It’s the same guy that Lee has talked about for the last forty-five minutes. He’s about your height, wears Tommy Hilfiger, and is sitting in the dark, stressing about nothing.”

“You reckon it’s nothing?” I asked, desperate for reassurance.

“I reckon that the fact that you’re stressing so much tells me that you’ll find a solution, no matter what the obstacle. Keep up the good work, Davo. You’re nearly there.”

I was just opening my mouth to ask where that was, where the “there” I was supposed to be aiming for was located, when Jake’s bellow sounded from the other end of the house.

“Where the hell have those two got to? If I find you both doing something kinky, you’re in trouble.”

I chuckled and called out, “Yeah? If we’re doing something kinky, what are you going to do?”

There was a curse and a mutter. Then he called back, “I’d bloody well ask you, why the hell I wasn’t invited?”

I held back the laughter and followed Patrick back to the kitchen.

I
WAS
smart the following night when I picked Lee up. Jake and Patrick needed us to be at their house by 5:00 p.m., which meant I needed to pick Lee up at least twenty minutes before that time. So I lied and told him I’d be by to pick him up at 4:15.

I turned up at 4:30 and found Charlotte in the front garden, cutting white roses for the house. I stopped and chatted for a few minutes. She told me Lee was excited to be babysitting for the evening.

“The front door’s open,” she told me. “Go on inside and find him. I’m sure he’s nearly ready.”

I was doubtful. After all, I was only fifteen minutes late from the time I told him, plus the minutes I’d spent talking to his mother. I opened the front door and had taken two steps toward the stairs when Lee appeared, shoes still in one hand and checking his mobile with his other hand. He hadn’t noticed me, so I had time to inspect his clothes before he saw me.

He was dressed more casually than our dates—a good idea considering the spew and poo we could be facing. He had on blue jeans and a T-shirt supporting the Chicago Bulls. The red clashed with his hair, but it still worked wonderfully. I watched as he raced down the stairs and tried to text at the same time.

“Where is he?” I heard him murmur. “He should’ve—” He skidded to a halt as he spotted me. “Oh, hi.”

I smiled. “Hi back. You ready?”

“Yes. Where have you been? Aren’t we horribly late? You told me to be ready at four fifteen and—”

“And yet you’re only just coming down the stairs, and your shoes still aren’t on.”

A thoughtful look came over his face. “You deliberately told me the wrong time, didn’t you?”

I shrugged with a small smile on my lips. “Maybe. How did you know?”

A sigh of resignation shuddered through his entire frame. “It’s been tried before. Believe me. My perpetual lateness is well known in my family. Nothing I do helps me.”

I chuckled and stepped forward. I slung an arm around his shoulders and bussed him loudly on the cheek. “Yet here you are, just about ready. And we’re five minutes early.”