You Only Live Once (10 page)

The following day the British press made a big deal of how I was at the Oscars party with Victoria Beckham, and was there still this big feud between us, and did she snub me? Well, the truth is I didn’t even attempt to say hello to her as I was busy talking to Simon Cowell and his then girlfriend Terri who were on my table, along with Richard Desmond. There were lots of other people I could have gone and said hello to, and just because I didn’t, it didn’t mean that we were having a feud. And anyway I wasn’t trying to run around after the big stars. I’m not bothered about mixing with celebrities. I don’t mix with any in England and I didn’t in the States. I don’t use people just to get publicity. I’ve got no problem with Victoria Beckham whatsoever. There, that’s my last word on the subject!

Pete was completely taken up with recording his album, and while I understood his desire to finish it, especially since he was paying for it himself, I didn’t want to go to the studio every single day. That’s not to say that I wasn’t supportive, and if we had still been together then I would certainly have gone on tour with him. But, to be honest, sitting in the studio hour after hour, hearing him go through the same lines over and over again, was boring! He would even play the tracks in the car. I had heard most of them, including ‘Behind Closed Doors’ and ‘Call the Doctor’, and was upset by the lyrics which all seemed to be so negative, about couples not understanding each other, someone feeling alone even in a relationship, and the relationship breaking up. ‘I hope that’s not what you think about our marriage?’ I said to Pete. ‘Because it’s not very nice hearing it described like this. I feel really hurt, if you must know.’

He replied, ‘Listen to the lyrics, they show how hurt I’ve been at times. But it’s not just about us, it’s about any relationship.’

I wasn’t convinced. And, looking back, I can’t help wondering if he was already planning to leave me.

When Pete wasn’t in the studio we were bickering because of the pressure of filming. It was sheer misery. I didn’t even have the escape of riding. I had just bought a horse and had her flown over to the States, but I really needed Andrew to come over and train her up for me because we weren’t connecting properly. But, of course, I felt I couldn’t ask him because of what Pete’s reaction was likely to be. Instead I flew another trainer over, but she didn’t know me or how I ride and every time she came to the stables the horse was fine. So now I was paying for a horse that I couldn’t ride as well as I wanted.

The only good things were that my mum had done a fantastic job of finding such a brilliant school for Harvey – he was settled in and making great progress – and Princess and Junior were happy.

And then Claire received a letter from my lawyer setting out the suggested new terms for the management contract between us. They were a lot less favourable than the ones she was used to and we were unable to reach an agreement. It was decided she would officially stop being my manager on 23 June 2009. Whatever was subsequently said in the press, I consider myself the one who ended our business relationship.

The atmosphere between all of us became even more tense and strained after that. There were arguments between me, Claire and Nicola, with Pete as piggy in the middle between us all. The rows were always about work. How I didn’t want to be filmed all the time; that I wanted to spend more time with Pete; that I wanted to be part of the TV production company. I got even more sick of the filming and just wanted to return to the UK. I could see that this situation was damaging my marriage. I wanted Pete to be my husband, not to work with him all the time. It was so unhealthy.

As I’ve said before, I can’t put on an act that everything is OK for the camera if I’m unhappy. If I’m in a bad mood, I will still be in a bad mood when we are filming. And later, when I watched our
Stateside
series – not that I wanted to as it just reminded me of how miserable I was – I can see that I come across as the bad guy nearly all the time, with Pete as good cop, me as bad. It comes across that Pete is perfect and I was a miserable cow and that he looked after the kids on his days off while I just went to get my hair and nails done. And it wasn’t like that.

But there were several moments in the show when even Pete didn’t come across so well, one of which was when we were supposed to be going roller-blading. The paps were all outside the store where we were renting the equipment, and it was raining, and I didn’t want to go out and roller-blade with them all taking pictures as if I was some performing fucking dog! When I first started going to LA I thought the paps there were far more polite than the British ones, but all that had changed. By then they were just as ruthless about getting their shots. Or even more so, it seemed. I didn’t want to be photographed every single time I left the house.

So Pete and I were holed up in the store with the young sales assistant and Nicola. I was just making small talk with the assistant to pass the time when Pete started trying to wind him up, making out he was someone that he was not. I thought he was being pathetic. The guy was just doing his job; Pete didn’t have to be like that.

Straight away things turned nasty when Pete said, really sarcastically, ‘He doesn’t know who you are.’

Like I fucking care if some sales assistant in the States knows who I am or not! I’m not so insecure in myself that I need to be recognised constantly. Funnily enough, though, I met that same guy again on the red carpet at the 2010 Oscars – and joked to him that I’d since got remarried!

I told Pete to stop being such a knob; said that he was ‘an old fucking singer no one knows about’. Of course, the row kicked off big time after that.

‘You’re a miserable cow and living with you is miserable,’ he retorted.

I just shrugged; I had heard him speak to me like this so many times, I was hardened to it. ‘I’m the one who makes the money, so I’ll have things my way,’ I replied. That may have sounded harsh but I was sick of him sniping at me, and sick of the situation we were in.

‘You’re a psycho. I hope you’re proud of yourself,’ he exclaimed. ‘You’re a fucking idiot . . . a fucking arrogant bitch!’

We had always rowed and bickered in the past, but never as bitterly as this. I think things got so bad between us in LA that there was no coming back from it. We seemed to have lost all respect for each other and both said some truly terrible things. Then, as we were about to fly back, I was burning some rubbish in one of the fireplaces in the house and asked Pete if there was anything he wanted to put on the fire. ‘Yes, you,’ he replied. It was a joke but it wasn’t funny. Later, on film, he said that he loved me, but I couldn’t answer him. At that moment it really didn’t feel like he did.

We never, ever should have gone out to America to film the show.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

KATIE AND PETER:
THE FINAL CHAPTER

But we didn’t just have ourselves to think about any more because in March I found out I was pregnant. Even though our relationship was under such strain, I was thrilled and so was Pete. It wasn’t that I hoped this baby would heal the problems in our marriage because I don’t think you should ever have a child for that reason. I had just always wanted more children. Of course, I had no idea that in just over a month Pete would have walked out on me. I still thought we were going through a rough patch but would get through it. By now we’d been through so many rough patches but also so many good times that I thought that’s just what marriage was like. In spite of our problems, I still felt that we were so close. It never crossed my mind that we could split up.

As soon as we were back in the UK I went to see Dr Gibb, my obstetrician in London, to check that everything was OK with the baby by having a scan. I was probably around ten weeks by then and certainly had all the symptoms of pregnancy. I felt nauseous and bloated, with sore boobs. I always feel anxious about having scans because of the time I was nearly four months pregnant in 2006 and the doctor discovered during a scan that my baby had died. I was devastated and found it really hard to get over that miscarriage. That was what made going on to have Princess, the following year, all the more wonderful.

Pete came to the clinic with me. I lay back on the couch and waited while Dr Gibb rubbed the cold gel on my belly and then pressed the scanner against it. ‘Please let my baby be all right,’ I thought apprehensively, as Dr Gibb moved the scanner around, trying to locate the baby. I anxiously looked at the screen and then I saw the tiny outline. Surely that meant everything must be OK? But Dr Gibb was very concerned; he explained that he couldn’t detect a heartbeat and said that I would have to come back for another scan in a few days. He also did a blood test. This didn’t seem like good news and I had a horrible numb feeling inside as I prepared myself for the worst. I felt so upset.

But a few days later Dr Gibb called to say that the levels of HCG, a hormone created during the early stages of pregnancy, in my blood were still high, which indicated that the baby might be alive after all. I clung to this hope. But when I went in for another scan he said the words that I had been dreading: ‘I’m so sorry, Katie, I can’t find a heartbeat. I’m afraid the baby’s died.’

Anyone who has ever had a miscarriage will know what a devastating feeling it is. You go from believing you are pregnant, carrying a new life, and being excited, to feeling an unbearable sense of loss where you feel numb and empty. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me again. I had the option of taking some tablets which would trigger a miscarriage over several days or else having an operation. I chose to have the operation. I needed the ordeal to be over with as soon as possible. Pete was upset when he came up to the clinic to be with me before the op. He wanted to know what was wrong with the baby and why it had died. He didn’t seem to understand that we didn’t know. How could anyone know?

I had the operation and was discharged that night. Physically I felt drained and sore, and emotionally I felt incredibly vulnerable. I just wanted to curl up in bed and mourn my lost baby. But I couldn’t. I was taking part in the London Marathon at the weekend – just five days away. After the operation I was still bleeding and the very last thing I felt like doing was running a Marathon, which is probably one of the most physically demanding things you can put your body through. But I felt I couldn’t let down the people who had sponsored me. I was doing this for Harvey and for the Vision Charity, which raises money for the benefit of blind, visually impaired and dyslexic children. I was also a patron of the charity, so it was really important to me personally. I would have done the Marathon had I still been pregnant because I had been training for it and by then my body was used to the demands of training. Lots of people do carry on running when they are pregnant, though of course if my doctor had advised me not to run it I wouldn’t have.

The day after I’d had the operation I had to go to the press call for the Marathon. I felt really low emotionally and physically very uncomfortable. I was sore and bleeding and still having stomach cramps.

I felt very low and weepy for the rest of that week, not myself at all. But as I was shooting the photographs for my style book, I had to put on a brave face and carry on. Pete was really upset by the miscarriage as well, but I do think it’s different for men. They’re not the ones who have been carrying the baby and they will never know what it feels like when that baby dies. But I didn’t feel as if Pete was being particularly sympathetic towards me, given that I had just had a miscarriage. I suppose it’s easier for men to deal with as they are not coping with the physical and emotional after-effects.

By the time Sunday, 26 April arrived, I still felt low; all I could think was, ‘Please let me get through this somehow,’ which was such a shame as I had been looking forward to taking part and raising money for the charity. But Pete and I were still pleased to be taking part as we had done so much training together over the months. I was still bleeding from the op and worried about blood clots, but told myself that if I felt unwell or if I started bleeding more heavily I would pull out of the race. I knew it wasn’t advisable to run the Marathon in that condition but I’m such a trouper and I really didn’t want to let my sponsors or the charity down. And on top of feeling so emotional and physically quite weak, I had also damaged my knee in training which was going to make running even harder. But I did my best and put on an act that everything was OK.

The day itself was clear and sunny – perfect conditions for running. The atmosphere around the Marathon is incredible. There are so many people running to support different charities – many of them people who have lost loved ones to cancer and other diseases, and want to raise funds in their memory – so many spectators cheering the runners on. I was wearing a bright orange t-shirt with the Vision logo on it and also a picture of Harvey, and kept telling myself to focus on why I was running the race, though it wasn’t easy. But we did get the most fantastic support from the crowd as we ran past and I really appreciated that.

I was running with Pete, my brother and sister, and Nick, the husband of my then friend Michelle, and they had promised to go at my speed. My sister ran ahead, but I don’t blame her as she had trained hard and wanted to prove she could run the race in a good time. I couldn’t run very fast. I kept imagining I was bleeding more heavily and felt really scared. I had to keep going to the loo to check, but thankfully it was OK. But Pete, my brother and Nick were a fantastic support. They stayed by my side for the whole race, even though there’s no question that they could all have achieved very respectable times if not – especially my brother who has run several Marathons.

At eighteen miles my knee buckled under me and I had to get it bandaged up. The pain was excruciating. It was only sheer determination and will-power that helped me carry on. I managed to stagger – and stagger is the word – but at twenty-three miles, with the end so close, it gave way again. I was in tears of agony as I literally hobbled over the finishing line. It had taken me over seven hours but I had done it. I hadn’t let my sponsors down and that was all that mattered to me. And as I suffered no ill effects from running the Marathon after having the miscarriage, I still feel I was right to do it.

We grabbed a McDonald’s and then headed for home as we were all exhausted. As we were nearing the house I suddenly noticed a horse loose on the road. ‘Oh my God!’ I exclaimed. ‘Stop the car, I have to try and rescue it! It will get hit by a car if we don’t do something.’ Instantly my dad stopped the car and got out, and somehow I managed to summon the energy to drag myself out as well.

I could barely walk as my knee was killing me but somehow I managed to limp after the horse and catch it. I’m certain we saved it from being hit by a car.

A few days later Pete, the kids and I flew to Cyprus for a mini-break. Life had been so manic and emotional during the past weeks that we felt we needed some time on our own as a family. And for once we weren’t being filmed. One day Pete and I went to the gym – I wanted to keep my fitness up. When we came out there were two girls standing there. Pete got talking to them while I walked over to the car. I could instantly sense that one of the girls must be an ex-girlfriend, just from Pete’s body language and because I knew him so well. He didn’t introduce me to them and I was furious. When he got in the car I said, ‘How fucking dare you not introduce me, and stand there chatting in front of me? That is so disrespectful.’ I could just imagine how he would have reacted if I’d done the same thing to him with one of my exes. I felt jealous and angry.

There was a bad atmosphere between us for the rest of the day. Then we went out to dinner and finally had a heart to heart about our relationship and where we thought it was going wrong. The bottom line was that, in spite of everything, we both really loved each other and wanted to make our marriage work. Pete said that he still had a problem with me going out on my own. It was all the usual things about him worrying that I would get drunk and end up flirting with another man or even being unfaithful. And the fact was that back then, because of the strain our marriage was under, I was jealous whenever Pete went out on
his
own. Because we spent so much time together working and so rarely went out on our own, when one of us wanted to, it made the other one feel insecure. So, for instance, if Pete wanted to go the cinema with his friends and not me, I would wonder why he didn’t want to take me and would feel hurt. Looking back, I know that it is not healthy for a relationship to be with each other so much, but that’s how it was for Pete and me.

He suggested that we should both agree that from then on we wouldn’t go out on our own but only as a couple. My heart sank. What was wrong with me wanting to go out on my own? I was only having a laugh, going clubbing with my girlfriends, like so many other women did every single week without it being a huge issue for their husbands. This was supposed to be a marriage, not a prison sentence. But because I wanted my marriage to work, I agreed. I wasn’t happy but I didn’t want to be without Pete. The moment the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them. It wasn’t a promise that deep down I believed I could keep or even wanted to keep because I still thought he was wrong to have a problem with me going out. But I did agree. I wanted things to be happy and calm between us, wanted us to get along. I hated it when we didn’t. I tried to push it to the back of my mind. Little did I realise that this was the last family holiday we would ever have, but for some reason I packed up a lot of my things from the Cyprus house and brought them home with me.

Back in the UK I had a signing for KP Equestrian at the Badminton Horse Show on Friday, 8 May. Pete was going to stay out in Cyprus for a few more days but, because we had made this pact to do more things together, he said that he would come to the horse show with me. I was looking forward to us spending more time together and was pleased that he was going to be there to support me. I wanted him to come with me, as in the past when he’d come, or I had gone along to his club Pas, it had been the perfect opportunity for us to spend some quality time together, and have a night away in a hotel.

But then, unexpectedly, Pete changed his mind. He said he had things to do and would I mind if he didn’t come? I was very disappointed; this was supposed to be our fresh start, where we made an effort to do things together. However, I didn’t make a big deal of it and I went off to Bristol and did my signing alone. While I was at the show I bumped into Andrew and Polly who were there along with other friends. We all watched some dressage together and I made a joke to Gary and Diana, saying, ‘Oh, you’d better not sit next to me, just in case we’re photographed together!’ Little knowing that later a photograph of me and another rider would trigger Pete to walk out on me.

After the show we all chatted about our plans for the evening, and we thought it would be good to meet up for dinner later. It was all very relaxed and laid-back, just the kind of dinner you have after you’ve been working all day, as I had been. We all got on so well – there were my business associates and friends Diana and Cath, my best friend Gary, a couple of riders that I knew – Spencer and Jay – and Andrew and Polly.

Then someone suggested we go on to a club. Instantly, I thought of the pact I had just made with Pete and replied, ‘You go, but I can’t come because of Pete.’ But then I thought, ‘How pathetic does it sound for a woman of nearly thirty-one not to feel able to go out with her friends?’

‘But you’re a grown-up!’ Gary exclaimed. ‘You’re not doing anything wrong!’ And he was backed up by everyone else round the table. I explained how I had made the pact with Pete and that we had agreed we wouldn’t go out without each other. I could tell that my friends all thought the pact was a bad idea, and more than one person commented, ‘What! Are you seriously never going to go out on your own again? It’s normal to go out on your own sometimes!’ And they were giving me a bit of stick about it. As they teased me I thought again that it was true, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I just wanted to socialise with my friends and business partners.

So I went to the club and carried on drinking and having a laugh, and that’s all it was. Unfortunately there were also plenty of arseholes there with camera phones who took pictures of me. I know I’m a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and it really doesn’t take much to get me drunk. And when I am drunk I suppose I can be a real exhibitionist, and I probably was being loud, dancing lots and possibly singing – I can’t remember! But the point is, that was it. I just had a few drinks and let my hair down. Big deal. I probably needed to after the trauma of the miscarriage. And it was also a belated celebration for having run the Marathon the previous Sunday. Everyone else I knew who had taken part in the race had gone out and had a drink to celebrate, whereas we had gone straight home because Pete didn’t like me having one.