You Only Live Once (12 page)

And once I was back home the reality of our split really hit me when I realised that I would no longer be able to have our children with me all the time. That they would be spending time away from me when Pete had them. The first time I was without Junior and Princess, I found it very hard being in the house. I missed them so badly it was like a physical ache. I kept going into their bedrooms at night and expecting to find them tucked up in bed. The house seemed horribly empty with just me and Harvey in it. Talking to Junior and Princess on the phone several times a day wasn’t enough, especially as they’re both still so little you can’t really have a proper conversation with them. It’s just about letting them know that I’m there and telling them that I love them. I wanted to have them with me. I wanted to cuddle them. I missed my babies so much. But we were all going to have to get used to life as it was now. And when the children were with Pete, I didn’t want to stay in and be reminded of their absence – I wanted to be out and about.

I was fortunate to have great support from my family and close friends at this time – I don’t know what I would have done without them. But they were all brilliant and I’m grateful to them for getting me through some really difficult times. There were some so-called friends I didn’t hear from at all after Pete left me. It was almost as if they had read the stories in the press and decided that I was to blame for the break-up. And there were some other female friends who became Pete’s friends and didn’t see me any more after that. It was to get even worse later on in the year when one of my best friends turned against me and sold a story about me . . . but more of that later.

I had once been so close to Claire and Nicola. They knew everything about my life and I found it incredibly sad that we didn’t remain friends after Pete left me. We had been so close that Nicola had even filmed Princess’s birth (for us, not for the reality show). It was a big shock to lose not just my husband but also two close friends.

But then other people came back into my life – one of them my ex-boyfriend Dane Bowers. He Facebooked me just after the news of Pete leaving me came out, asking me if I was OK, and we exchanged a few messages. Although my break-up with Dane had been bitter at the time, it was years ago and I didn’t have any bad feelings towards him. To be honest, while I was getting such a battering in the press it was good to hear from people who seemed to care about me and knew that the stories were rubbish. Dane came over to the house for a party. There were no feelings between us any more other than those of friendship. And back then, especially during those emotionally testing weeks after my marriage ended, I needed my friends more than ever.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I WILL SURVIVE

It had long been one of my ambitions to have my own production company. Now that I had left CAN Associates, I was free to do that. Just after I’d returned from the Maldives I’d asked Diana to get in contact with Zai Bennett, ITV’s Director of Digital Channels and Acquisitions, and tell him that I wanted to film my own series. Apparently he was surprised to hear it. There had been so many negative stories about me in the press that he thought some of them might be true and that I might actually have lost the plot! But when he met me and saw how down-to-earth and normal I am, he realised what rubbish the stories were. I told him that I wanted to move on with my life; wanted to get on with filming my own series right away. And by ‘right away’ I really did mean in the next couple of weeks – starting with the children’s birthday parties followed by my trip to Ibiza. I think he was pretty taken aback by how soon I wanted to start, but he was more than happy to sign me up.

I formed my own production company with Mark Wagman, a former ITV executive, calling it Pricey Media, and immediately began filming for
What Katie Did Next
. I wanted my new series to show the real me, and how I was living my life after my marriage had ended. I wanted to reveal my fun side and to prove that the press stories were complete bollocks – I was just a woman trying to get on with her life after a marriage break-up, not some bitch slapper from hell! While I wanted to have more control about how I was filmed, I was going to leave the editing to the director. I just wanted the show to be honest. I didn’t want to be edited in a way which always made me look good; people could see both good and bad and judge for themselves.

I’d had such a miserable experience filming the final series of our reality show,
Katie and Peter: Stateside
. I found it especially painful watching the programmes when they went out after he and I had split up. And I think it made depressing viewing for everyone else, watching a dying relationship and all those bitter, nasty rows. But there was no point in brooding about it, however much it upset me.

* * *

Setting up new work projects definitely helped keep me sane during the weeks and months that followed the break-up, along with the support of my friends and family and my own determination that I would not fall apart, or sit in my room stuffing my face with biscuits and crying as one celeb mag would have had you believe. I did go and see the therapist I had contacted when I was suffering from post-natal depression, just to make sure that I was staying calm and clear-headed. After we had talked, she told me it was clear that I had accepted that my marriage had ended. Now it was time to focus on a fresh start, a new chapter in my life – both in my private life and work-wise. I felt fired up with adrenaline as I contemplated my new role as a single mother – nervous, a little bit scared, but also excited about the many possibilities.

At the end of May I took part in the London Clothes Show at Olympia where I modelled my equestrian range and appeared on the catwalk. I needed the confidence boost the event gave me. As much as I was determined to get on with my life, my self-esteem was at rock bottom – as any woman’s would be if her husband had just left her.

It was the first time I had ever appeared in a catwalk show with fashion models. The press picked up on the fact that I’d lost weight since I’d split up from Pete. I hadn’t, in fact, it was just that I know how to breathe in to make myself seem thinner – a trick learned through years of glamour modelling.

When I first came on-stage I was dressed in a white bikini and surrounded by other bikini-clad fashion models who were all younger than me. I’m not being bitchy when I say that they were so skinny, they looked like coat hangers. I really didn’t think it was an attractive look. But they did know how to work the catwalk. As I was so much shorter than the other models, I had extra-high heels on and extra-big hair. I like to think I brought a touch of glamour to the show, even though I was a little stump compared to the other models!

Later I came on in glittery hotpants, over-the-knee pink boots and a blonde Afro wig – you know me, I always like to stand out! Probably the best part was when I got to model the clothes from my KP Equestrian range. It felt like a real endorsement of the company that I had been asked to model here. We’d been up and running less than a year and here I was on-stage in front of an audience of thousands, alongside well-established designers. For my press call I posed before a striking sand sculpture of a horse and a woman who was supposed to be me, in the hot-pink shorts and pink tshirt from my range, along with a pair of black wellies with the pink KP logo. ‘Please don’t let me fall on the sculpture!’ I thought as I posed away. And all the while the press were firing questions about Pete at me as I posed because this was my first public appearance since the split. But I said nothing. I still thought silence was the best policy.

The show at Olympia lasted for a couple of days and during that time I got to know some of the other models, including a stunning male model called Anthony Lowther. He’d caught Gary’s eye first, I’m sure Phil won’t mind me saying, as he rehearsed on-stage. Gary whispered in my ear, ‘Have a look at him, he’s gorgeous!’

I had to agree! Anthony, or Ant as I came to call him, had the kind of looks I love: dark hair, blue eyes, and perfect features. He appeared with me on-stage together with several other male models and I couldn’t believe how tall he was, how manly, gorgeous and trendy. I’ve never been surrounded by so many male models before and, girls, let me tell you, it is quite a feeling!

I have to admit that I fancied Anthony – I mean, what woman wouldn’t? He had everything going for him looks-wise plus he was a really nice guy and interesting to talk to. He was a total professional throughout the show and didn’t flirt with me at all, even though secretly I wished he had. As I’ve already mentioned, my self-esteem was at rock bottom and it would have been good to know that men still found me attractive.

After one of the shows a group of us, including Gary, Phil, Anthony and another male model called Jo, went to the Boyzone concert at Wembley. It’s very sad remembering this because that was the last time I saw the lovely Stephen Gately. He was a close friend of Gary and Phil’s and I had met him several times over the years. The news of his tragic death later that year was a huge shock. It just shows that life is precious and that you have to make the most of every moment.

The gig was brilliant and afterwards a group of us went to the Red Lion pub in Highgate and then on to a gay club. I was just having fun with my friends. Ant was the first guy who’d caught my eye since Pete left me and I did enjoy being with him, but nothing ever happened between us apart from a couple of kisses. But right from the start the press were on our case, and after that night out there were stories saying that I had a new man.

‘I just don’t think I can handle the press attention,’ Anthony later admitted to me. He’s not someone who is interested in fame at all. I could understand where he was coming from: the press attention was still ferocious. The paps were camped outside my house all the time. Wherever I went I was photographed. And I still hadn’t given any interviews, yet every day there seemed to be stories about Pete and me in the press. It seemed to me that while I was being slated, Pete was getting the best press he had ever had in his life. He was being portrayed by the press as the heartbroken victim and the perfect dad.

He was often photographed when he was out with the children during this time, so to some people it might have looked as if Pete was with the children more than I was. That wasn’t the case at all. I always did my best to avoid being photographed with the children. The press were making up such shit about me, I would think, ‘How dare you think that you can go ahead and take pictures of me and my kids and play me off against Pete, in some kind of sick competition about who is the better parent?’ I know that I’m a good mum.

I felt as though the press needed someone to blame for the marriage breaking up and they had decided to blame me. I was seen as the bad guy and yet I was the one who had been dumped. One of my friends pointed out that it seems the press always blame the woman for a marriage breaking up, whatever happens. Maybe it’s because the newspapers are mainly run by men? All I knew was that it felt deeply unfair.

And little did I know that the press stories about me were about to get a whole lot worse when I flew out to Ibiza in June for a holiday with a group of my closest friends. The trip had been planned before I had even split up from Pete. I had talked to my friends about how much I wanted to go on holiday to the island. I had even invited Pete to come along too but his reply was that it depended what else he was up to in the summer. He didn’t sound at all bothered. Our relationship had become so stale by then. ‘See what I mean?’ I’d later commented to my friends. ‘He’s just got no enthusiasm for doing anything with me at all.’

I ended up booking the trip after he left me. Pete was going to have the kids in Cyprus and, as I knew they would all be well looked after by their dad, I felt I could relax and enjoy myself with my friends. And why would I want to stay at home on my own when I didn’t have my children, knowing that I would still be slated in the press?

I flew to the island on easyJet with a group of my closest friends, including Gary and Phil, Julie, Melodie, Neil, Derek, and the photographer Andy Neil, as I was going to shoot my calendar on the island. They were all moaning about having to go on the no-frills airline but I was just thrilled to be going away! We had a really early flight, and while they drank champagne I stuck to mineral water.

It was also exciting jetting off to Ibiza because for the first time in years I wasn’t with any managers who would be worried that I would say or do the wrong thing. I was thinking about having a PR company represent me but hadn’t yet signed a contract. Nor did I take any security, though I was quickly to regret that when I discovered the press were on to me, from the moment I landed and throughout my entire stay.

The press made out my trip to Ibiza was a wild, out-of-control time where I behaved like a slapper and stayed up partying and drinking for twelve hours at a time, emerging from night clubs at 10 o’clock in the morning. Ibiza is renowned for people clubbing all day and all night, off their nuts on drugs, but I’m not into drugs at all. None of my friends are. By the time it got to around 2.30 in the morning, we were too knackered to stay any longer and had to go back to the hotel, so no way was I still clubbing at 10 in the morning – I was tucked up in bed alongside my friend Julie, with Melodie in the other bed. People said I was having a Jordan moment when in fact I was having a Mrs Andre split moment. I was just trying to deal with the situation I found myself in by having fun with my friends.

I was photographed in night clubs as I danced, and the press made out that I was off-my-face drunk when I’d just had a few drinks and was dancing no differently from anyone else. I did nothing to be ashamed of in Ibiza.

The picture the press painted couldn’t have been more wrong. Honestly, it was just a week of fun with my friends, where we chilled out in the hotel, went for dinner, and went clubbing probably three times in total. Although I was still reeling from the break-up with Pete, this trip ended up being one of the best holidays of my life; I’ve never laughed so much as I did that week. I had spent so long being unhappy in my marriage that I think I needed the release, needed to let my hair down.

But the paps were everywhere and I couldn’t do anything without them pursuing me and photographing me. I couldn’t even relax by the pool in our hotel as they would be there – which is why we all ended up spending so much time in our hotel rooms. When I went down to reception there would be journalists in the lobby; reporters were staying on the same floor as me; I had cameras trained on my balcony, watching my every move. In fact, my friend Julie got whacked in the face by a pap’s camera as he was so desperate to get a shot of me. We hired a speedboat one day as I was also shooting my calendar while I was out there and hoped that way we would escape the press for at least a couple of hours. But even then the paps got into other boats and pursued us. We did manage to shake them off one afternoon when we went on a gay beach, but it wasn’t a real escape as there were so many other people on the beach trying to take pictures of me.

All I wanted to do was relax with my friends but my holiday was being portrayed as something seedy. I still couldn’t believe the stories the press were coming out with. I was completely shocked. The stories were ridiculous! One caption in particular stunned me: ‘Out of control Katie Price threatens to cut woman’s face during Ibiza alcohol binge’. A journalist was claiming that I had threatened to cut her face because I thought she worked for a magazine in which Pete has a column. She had claimed that I had confronted her with a ‘manic look’ in my eyes and said: ‘I’m gonna cut your f****** face. I swear to God, I’ll f****** cut you.’ Part of me wanted to laugh because it was so unbelievable. The other half was devastated. How dare they?

It was also claimed in news stories that I had been abusive towards my fans, but that was nonsense as well. I love my fans and would never abuse them or take them for granted. I know that they’re the ones who’ve supported me and helped me get where I am now. When I went out clubbing I would get a really positive response from them. The press reported that I got booed when I went to a particular club, but as was revealed on my reality show in fact it was completely the opposite. Girls came up to me and said, ‘We love you, Katie! We buy your perfume!’

But back home in the UK people believed the stories were true. I had my family and friends on the phone to me asking me what the hell was going on, but they quickly realised after talking to me that the stories were all made up. Meanwhile my reputation and my career were being damaged because of a pack of lies.

It seemed to me that because I had decided not to talk to the press, they were making up stories to fill the gap, stories I felt powerless to do anything about. I felt that there was no one to fight my corner, to put my side of the story to the press, to crush their lies. I realised that I did need some kind of management behind me. I felt completely victimised by the press, battered and under siege.